Married to a Pakistani and his family dont know. Will his family reject me as I am dark skinned?
Hi, I am a non muslim girl of east indian descent but from the Caribbean living in the USA. I recently got married to a Pakistani Muslim guy and his family doesn't have a clue that we are legally married since they are in Pakistan. He is a US Citizen so he is not married to me for his Green Card and no he is not married in Pakistan.
I have money but i dont think he is after the money since he takes care of all the bills etc. and has never asked me for anything. He is telling me he feels guilty since we never did nikaah and he wants to have it done in the future but he wants me to read about Islam and make the decesion on my own since we only got married in the court.
He treats me how a husband is supposed to treat a wife but i am still scared that one day he will leave me, since i have been told and reading that pakistani families look at the colour of the skin. I am brown skin (olive) in complexion and he is very light skin. He has told me that nobody can make decision for him since he is independent.
Is the marriage valid since we never did Nikaah? And is the colour of one's skin really a big issue in Pakistan?
- Saima123
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Dear Saima,
You are legally married by US law. However, without a nikaah, your marriage is not valid in Islamic law. A Muslim man is permitted to marry a chaste Christian or Jewish woman and must do so by Islamic law. The usual thing is a couple will initially have an Islamic marriage, then would have a civil marriage ceremony according to the countrys laws, so that the marriage is legal in that country.
You have listed things about your husband to indicate that the marriage is genuine. That he does not have an ulterior motive. Nevertheless, he still ought to have done a nikaah, irrespective of your lack of Islamic knowledge, if he sincerely wishes to take you as his wife. Your relationship would be deemed haraam, as it has not been Islamically sanctioned through nikaah and thus as a Muslim, he is committing zina.
Regarding your skin colour, a true believer should not even consider this. However, from my awareness, some Pakistanis are obsessed with white skin and western features. As it doesn't bother your husband it should not bother you. However, I think this is the least of your worries. You ought to get a nikaah done.
Regards
Hopeful
Salamu Aleikum dear Saima,
I can understand your worries, but don't even think of them. I agree with hopeful that you should have
a nikkah cerermony, as the religious ceremony and the civil marriage both have to take place,
otherwise the marriage is not valid.
Now concerning the colour of the skin: In Islam, we should look at taqwa and imaan, regardless
of cultural differences and different customs and traditions, including beauty ideals.
Those are our priortites and the way you described him, he fulfils his duties and treats you with respect and
dignity. In Middle Eastern countries, especially Iran, the gulf states, Syria, Lebanon, etc there is an
obsession with beauty, white skin, small noses, thick hair which shows that people in these cultures
follow the western beauty craze more than their western counterparts. Many families that are better-off
even pay nose-jobs for their daughters to increase their "market value" for getting married. As I was
raised in the West, I get a complete culture shock whenever I go there. At weddings and engagement
parties, there is a competition going on that is worse than at any western dinner party:) Of course
this is unislamic, but unfortunately, that's the way it is. In the best case, they are religious and are
able to withstand culture. They may not be influenced by these beauty images which also depends
very often on their education. And in the worst case, they have a shallow understanding of Islam,
practise it, but reduce you to your looks which hopefully won't be the case. Your husband loves
you the way you are and that's the most important thing; but at the same time, a young woman
wants to be accepted by her in-laws as well. My advice to you: Don't worry about it and be proud
of yourself; Build a healthy confidence,no matter what others say. My grandmother always says:
You can close a door very easily, but unfortunately not the mouths of the people. You're going to
live with your husband and as far as I understood, u live in the US and they live in Pakistan. So
you're far away from them anyway and won't be confronted with so easily. Whenever you go on
a trip with him and somebody should offend you , reply something in return ; in an extended family,
there are many relatives and many of them will say unpleasant things, out of ignorance, malevolence,
etc. I wish it wouldn't be the case, but it is. And we can't change it. Should they view physical
appearance( I mean skin colour) as something very important, they show their own lack of imaan;
that's not your problem. Think with yourself: I'm much better than they are, they just show their own
ignorance, insha allah Allah will guide them on the right path. I was in a similar situation, as in my
husband's home country, beauty is very important as well( obsession) and whenever I go there,
I'm confronted with the most ignorant of people in my husband's family. It seems to be a very important
topic in Middle East, and now I learnt to ignore their remarks . At the end of the day, your husband
must be happy and love you the way you are, not his family. You're gonna live with him, not with them.
We shouldn't make our in-laws more important than our own husbands.
Jazakallah
I think that ur being nonmuslim is a bigger issue than the colour of ur skin. A muslim man can only marry a muslim girl or a jewish or christian. In islam ur marriag is invalid. I also sugest u to read about islam and
if u begin to belief in it from ur heart then accept islam. But dont do it just for saving ur relation if u dont really
belief in it.ur husband should also read about islam because his relation with u is unlawful.
OOps..... I overlooked that part . Didn't realize that you're non-muslim. I would suggest that you
start reading about the Islamic faith. If you follow a polytheist religion, the marriage is not valid.
Only if you follow a monotheistic faith( Jewish, Christianity) and are a pious woman ..Otherwise
it's not allowed. But even if you want to marry this man and become Muslim, don't listen to the others
and what they say.
Jazakallah
Salaam my Sister,
It is natural for you to feel worried about the future, considering the secret nature of your marriage - but this is coming from your insecurities rather than any real threat to your success as a couple. It could be that your husband is very devoted to you and wants to have a long and happy future with you (why else would he marry you?)
It is natural for you to have these insecurities, as it is unusual for a person to get married and not invite their mother, father and family to a wedding. I would make meeting his parents a priority as this is the only thing that will allay your fears and worries and make you feel better.
The truth is if you love each other and committed to each other and decided to have a marriage together, then it doesn't really matter what his parents think about the whole thing. He is committed to you and loves you and that is what matters.
In Islam, for a marriage to be valid the following conditions must be fulfilled (from islam online):
Full consent of both partners to the marriage, the presence of two reliable witnesses. In the case of females, their guardian’s consent has been considered essential (except in the case of a mature woman who is deemed fully capable of contracting her own marriage). Thus in his view, marriages finalized without guardian’s consent shall be considered as valid so long the woman has chosen someone who is considered as compatible.
Marriages should not remain a secret affair; rather they should be publicized. Another important integral of marriage is the bridal gift; although it is not essential to stipulate it in the marriage contract, nevertheless it must be paid either before consummation of marriage or after.
I would advise that you raise the topic of secrecy with your husband and let him know this is causing insecurities for you that you would like to resolve and God willing, he will take some positive action about it.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
I would say it depends on who they are. For some reason, these Pakistanis no matter who and how they are, do have a bit of shock when they find out that their boy has found a girl on his own. Maybe they think he's not hit puberty yet or something. But anyways, I will tell you that I have relatives who are the nicest, sweetest people ever or think like that. They would not utter a bad word. Then I have relatives who have enough sense to NOT say anything to the person, but I guess their hobby is backbitting. It's a great way to spend quality family time for them. Then there are those who will say anything that comes to their mouths and intentionally put down even little innocent kids by findind physical faults in them. They could find faults in anybody and everybody. But I guess they forgot that they're no plastic surgery perfection either. One of these people always puts me down even though I am lighter/same as my husband and from the same country. It's my nose, my health, the way I raise my kids, that I don't know anything, that my husband had offers from beautiful and educated girls, that my kids are ugly, and dark and blah blah blah. The point is it's not me, it's their insecurities. Islam teaches us that Allah made us all different nations and tribes so that we could recognize one another, and that no one type of nation is better than another. And that Allah looks at our piety only, not how we look, or anything else. But the people who think like this are not good muslims, or don't know enough about their faith.
Salam sister,
I am a Pakistani and I know that colour of skin is considered here but just as a normal element of beauty. Your in laws won't reject you because of your complexion as far as your husband or would be husband is fine with it.
In Islam ur marriage is not valid. I thnk his family will make a issue out of tat, him bein with a woman without doin the nikaah. Skin colour won't b a main issue, but they will mind tat ur not a Muslim, and then they will fnd faults with everything regarding u. So do the nikaah first and look in to Islam. It's a beautiful religion. Inshallah everything will wrk out for u.
You know ,I find it sad that on all these sites that the non muslim spouses in the relationships are always worried whether they will be accepted by the muslim families of their spouses. The Muslim spouses don't seem to worry about being accepted by their spouses families and cultures. Is that beacuse other religions are more accepting of differing religions marrying or is it because Muslims think that their religion is the only one. Religion shouldn't come into it. You should be able to be married whatever differences you have religion wise and Pakistani families need to learn to mind their own business and let individuals live their lives in peace harmony and with the one they love without interference.
Fiona, as Muslims we decide what we "should" do according to what God has given us and taught us, not what we desire.
By the way, when I married my non-Muslim wife (now ex-wife), her family made all kinds of bigoted remarks and tried their best to create mistrust between us. So it's a two-way street.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam O Alaikum WRWB,
@Sister Saima123, all the sisters and brothers have advised you nicely Masha Allah. So, there is nothing much I could add.
@All other sisters:)-
Sorry, I find it strange that no one has mentioned here that why this kind of backwardness prevails in Muslim countries like Pakistan, India or most Middle-eastern countries etc.
Also, admit it sisters that, most of you sisters make an issue of your own appearance, sometimes it's your colour, your nose, your height, your body:)- All I am saying is most of the sisters have the mentality of western non-Muslim women who are never satisfied with the way they look in front of mirror. I can't see myself with a women in marriage who is not contented with what she has. If her husband is happy with they way she looks, she shouldn't care about what people say, just dress up for your husband, you don't need to compete with others or just to shut other people's mouth. We can't live our life satisfying other people. Sure, Muslim countries are not following the religion but just culture, this is simply due to lack of education both religious education, somewhat worldly education and so many other factors those contribute to that:)- Look at the media, a child growing up watching those Bollywood , Hollywood movies and actors and actresses in skimpy dress will always expect his future wife to look like those plastic women, selling their bodies. He will never realise that how those women in Media and Film Industry end-up and what they have to do to look like that and are simply not natural in any possible way. Everything about them is fake. Yes! a lot of parents especially their sons are obsessed with the western women with blue, green eyes and blond hair but that's not the case always. I don't find them attractive myself, a women in scarf or dressed modestly appeals to me more then a women dressed up horrible in a figure hugging, revealing dress. No wonder, so many women get rapped, abducted, or simply go missing without a trace in these countries even when laws are so strict and are there to protect only women.
Secondly, how many sisters understand this that you are not going to live your whole life with you in-laws 10, 20, 30 years (in fact no one knows) and even then some parents ask their sons to move out once they get married (at least it's true in my case though I am not married yet). In fact, now it's very hard to find a girl even in Pakistan who is happy to live with her in-laws, take the responsibility and treat them as her own parents, no matter how much practising she is, she will always see them as bye-product or find something to make an issue. They don't see it as a test or don't realise that tomorrow they will be in similar situation when her son or daughter will get married. I come from Pakistan and my family has no problem with whoever I marry, they are not bothered about her colour, family background, culture, society, looks etc as far as she is practising her religion or willing to improve. They definitely will have problem, me being in a pre-marital relationship like boyfriend/girlfriend stuff even if my intentions were to marry that girl later on sometime. Yes! I did have hard time convincing my parents that looks, career, family background are nothing but just cultural practises, what matters most is religion, character, general behaviour, attitude etc but then guy should know how to negotiate things without losing his parents or the girl who he wants to marry. That sure is our job to do and we should make sure that the girl we are marrying don't have to go through any kind of insult or abuse from her in-laws regarding her looks, colour, family background, culture etc.
If you can't discuss these things with the person, who you are planning to spend rest of your life then it's your mistake and if your husband can't defend you as his choice for marriage then he is not MAN enough to take your responsibility. Negotiation and good communication is a skill that many of us lack especially now a days. It's all about trust, love for that person whether she is your mother or your wife, you should know what is their status in Islam and how to balance your relationship with both. As a man's relationship with these women in his life can earn him Jannah or if not balanced or justified can lead to Hell fire.
So sweat sisters:)- Insha Allah, some of you are now mothers and some of you will be mothers in future or in fact I should say INSTITUTES, so you sisters have more responsibility in showing our new generation right path and educating them to see the things in the right perspective and most importantly to shun all these cultural practices and put RELIGION before culture.
We men have also responsibility as sons, brothers, husbands and father. So, being a son (so far I have earned my parents respect), as a brother I always stand for my sisters and will always be there when ever they need against this world.
May Allah bless us all and help us change the issues we are facing now when we get our chance. (amin)
Hello,
Do not worry about whether your husband's family is going to accept you or not, because they should honestly see how happy your husband is with you. If they see that their son is happy, then I'm sure that they'll accept you, even if it doesn't quite follow the Islamic laws. As for your skin color, it is the same situation. They shouldn't judge you just because you have a darker toned skin than your husbands, and frankly, there are some pretty dark Pakistanis out there. Not all of them are white and fair like Snow White. So don't you worry one bit, and may Allah be with you now and always.
Good luck!
Zainab