Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Will my ex be punished by Allah for breaking my heart?

Broken heart made of tilesSalaam everyone,

There was a Muslim sister I liked. She liked me back too. She was very friendly in the beginning. I asked her if I should visit her at work. She seemed ecstatic at the answer. I visited her at work and she seemed happy to see me. Afterward, she said, "We should hang out more often."

I asked her for lunch, and she agreed. It seems when I asked her, she believed it was a romantic thing, I was surprised but went along with it because she was very attractive and nice at the beginning.

We started dating and she was getting upset that I was putting a lot of time into my studies. I apologized and told her my classmates needed my help because I had the highest grade and I was busy helping them. (I was also a tutor at university). I promised to see her when I get time.

I asked her in the second week of dating if this was serious or was she just playing around? This was my first and I didn’t want to get my heart broken. She said no, she was serious and said, "What is the point of dating someone if you end up leaving them. I don’t play with people's feelings."

I thought she was just flirting and told her that and she got upset and told me to go home and think about it. I went home and then thought that the girl must be really mature and sweet, therefore I went back and told her I would love nothing more than a serious relationship. She said that was very thoughtful of me and sweet. I only got scared because she was talking about marriage on the second week and it was going so fast, I needed to catch my breath but then I agreed and said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

The girl was behaving very erratically. She would swear and smoke hookah. I do not do any of these things. She was receiving F grades on her exams. But it was making me lose attraction for her. But I was so afraid to break her heart and the consequences that I then forced myself to fall in love again by focusing on her positive qualities.

I would then try to see her but then her behavior started changing. She started blowing me off and giving me less time. I asked her numerous times if everything was okay between us. And she said she was busy and everything was fine. We went on our last date, I’m still worried, as she is not texting me as used to. Her sister got engaged and she said she would invite me but she never did. I didn’t even bring it up.

But it seemed everything I did offended her. I couldn’t take photos of her like I used to. I couldn’t hold her hand or hug. The only time I kissed her on the cheek and she got annoyed and said we have to keep it halal. She said she was okay with hugs and hands as she hugs her guy friends all the time and it made me more insecure. It made me more insecure when she said she received proposals in the past. I said alright whatever makes you happy. I never argued with her and was always honest with her. I again asked her if everything was alright and she said: "yes, and if anything you do bothers me, I will let you know."

After I was done with my exams, I texted her and said "how are you? Can I see you?" She asked if I was done with exams and then over text she dumped me over text. I was so shocked and surprised. I asked why and why is she leaving me? She said "at times you are very cocky and deflating at times and we aren’t a match. But you are a sweet guy. I didn’t kiss you because I did not like you. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you.¨

I then tell her its so cold that you led me on and dumped me over text and she said "sorry, it was a sh**ty move dumping you. I shouldn't have lead you on." She then says "besides, that´s why we agreed to take it slow." That is a lie because she is the one who was rushing so fast.

A few days later I’m-upset and confused. I text her that I canceled my plans to go to Chicago-because I was planning to hang with you. She said "I never told you to do that. Plus you would cheat on me with your ex. Not that I do not trust you." I told her there was a girl I dated in Chicago, but in reality I never had a gf. I didn’t want her to think of me as a loser. Only reason I told her I had an ex was because I felt insecure and she was talking about her guys being cute and whatnot. I was her first and she was mine.

I’m shocked she accuses me of cheating and she said that "our relationship-wasn't even that long. Don’t get so worked up about it. Chill dude." It was long for me because it was a whole semester. I texted her every night. I told about her to my mother. I was hoping to see her so I could tell her I love her. But she refused to see me and then called me obsessive and said i was freaking her out. When in reality it was only that time i texted her that day to give me a chance to change. She said change for yourself. And in all caps said I DONT LIKE YOU. Then she said move on. She was so cold and it just hurt me. After all that she said we can still stay friends.

All winter break, I didn’t text her once as she called me crazy and hurt me. I see her at school and she waves but I don’t wave back. On social media, I try to put pictures of me being happy hoping she would come back but she gets angry and deletes me off it. I text her and apologize her for not waving back as I was trying to give her space. She doesn't reply.

A week later I call her and she texts back “What do you want it's late? I apologize that I didn't say hi back and was upset and missed talking to her. And asked her if I could just talk to her on campus for 5 minutes. She says "No." I then texted if we could still be friends and she doesn't even reply. 2 months go by and I catch her after class trying to talk to her. I touch her hair by accident because I missed her and she got upset. She later texted me saying “do not touch my hair. None of my friends do that. You are no exception.”

2 more months go by and I try saying hi back and she doesn't even acknowledge my presence. I then wrote her a letter and had my friend deliver it to her telling her I was sorry, I loved her and it was inappropriate of me to keep pursuing her and she deserves better than me. She never responded back to me. And in fact, now it seems she intentionally avoids me even further. At times she makes it so obvious like she intentionally trying to hurt me and stating that I am insignificant to her. I never even got closure and she didn’t even talk to me about what happened. I still do not know what happened.

While this was going on, her friends were harassing me and telling my friends that my ex deserved better. They made fun of me so much that I can't go to the library to study and had to quit my job because they worked there and would openly taunt me. They would call me names and then told me they were glad I quit my job. Even my ex told my friends that I was harassing her and texting her all the time and she wants me to drop it. She said it was a mistake telling I’m I want to be friends with him after I dumped him. In reality I only texted her the times mentioned above and the interval between them were months.

Please tell me what I did wrong? I was honest with her throughout and only time I lied to her was when I told her I had an ex. I never did and was upset because she had all these proposals coming and it made me feel so small. I lost feelings for her but fell back in love with her because I couldn’t break her heart.

Is it alright to leave someone if you do not like them when you made such promises to them? When you make them feel special and take that away from them. Before I had no idea relationships were haram. I know now but I still want to know, does Allah punish those who lie and lead people on? I mean I told about her to my mother. I wanted to marry this girl.

I know I have done wrong but it would honestly help me sleep at night knowing that she too will be held accountable for the nights I cried myself to sleep. The times I stayed inside all the time and didn’t eat all day. Please tell me there is justice. I am typing this while I cry because I am actually worried and scared that allah SWT will forgive this woman?

Almadullah I'm a better and practicing muslim but it makes my heart bleed to think that one can simply play with someone feelings and causally say sorry without thinking about the pain the other goes through. Is there any hope of my dua coming true? I am afraid as allah swt is so merciful that he will forgive her.

-StudentOfDeen

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17 Responses »

  1. You think she will be punished for thinking you're too cocky and a mismatch for her? Or that she didn't kiss you or that she thinks you're going to Chicago to cheat on her with your imaginary ex?

    You should be thanking her for not dumping you during your exams and only dumping you when she found out your exams are over - that was very kind and thoughtful of her.

  2. Dear Brother,

    I hope you get over it and meet your wife.

    In the meantime recite:

    Inna lillahe wa-Inna -ilahe-Rajeoon
    Allahummah -Ajerna Fe Musibatena
    Wa Qulfa lanA Kahira Minha.

    It must be for the best.think of this as a lesson or experience in life.try forgive her for causing you pain, perhaps it was not her intentions. her breaking off with you might be to turn away from haram relation and she has been trying to be strong, it takes a lot of strength to break off & detach specially when you were getting on well and you said she suddenly changed..it must be a wake up call for her? If you try give her the benefit of doubt, you might even thank her one day InshaAllah.

    Every sole will be held accountable for their behaviour. Is she has caused you distress and pain she will be asked about it. However one is judged according to one’s intentions. She might have “dumped” you for the sake of Allah, Try
    forgiving,it will help & heal you InshaAllah.

    Allah knows best.

  3. You're a silly boy to even ask that. God warned you about pre martial relationships but you decided to ignore it and got hurt. You both will get punished for it.. Secondly, focus on your own deen. Don't worry about anyone else's.

    And honesty I think you're more upset about missing out on the girl from Chicago that's where your true pain stems from.

  4. Brother, the woman did nothing wrong. She was not your wife or even your fiance. She had no obligation to stay with you. And your relationship with her was bordering on haram in the first place. So itś not wrong for her to end it.

    If you were serious about the relationship with her you would have approached her family to discuss marriage.

    All the hurt feelings you experienced, the jealousy and anger and bitterness, that is on you for putting yourself in that situation in the first place. Part of the reason you feel this way is that you dragged it out so long by continuing to contact her and plead with her. Your constant pleading with her is why she has come to regard you with dislike and contempt. You should have simply cut her off permanently and moved on.

    As for why she changed her mind about you, who knows? You will never know and it doesn´t really matter. You cannot control anyone else in this life. You can only control yourself and how you respond to situations. Put this woman out of your mind completely and move on with your life.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Brother, You got your heartbroken because you were against the lord for going in a Haram relationship and am sure you didn’t propose to her . You wanted to kiss her and lead her on to Zina Alhamdulilaah she dodged a bullet . For you leaving you because when she would talk about marriage you were saying she was rushing. Your iman is very low and you are evil to want her to be punished. You weren’t good enough for her . go back to Allah and accept your faults and be a better person. Leave her for the sake of Allah

  6. She wasn’t really that into you. Yes, you asked her if she was serious or not, she really wasn’t. And you pushing her to like you, kiss, and hug you by the way is haram was pushing her away. She was serious to know you for marriage but you didn’t like that. What did you wanted out of this relationship, just pass time, and date like westerners. If this date was halal way to get to know each other for marriage then it was fine, instead you made it into a touching affectionate scene which is a turn off. And kept making her like you.

  7. As salamualikum,
    Brother there are some serious questions you need to honestly ask your self

    1- what exactly were you looking in this relationship?
    Was she just a time pass or an experiment for you to begin with you. You described how you were shocked on she agreeing meeting you or some of her habits. But you were the one leading her onto this. How is the blame only on her.
    Perhaps she realized all you want is some physical pleasure and every girl has absolute rights to her body , hence her leaving you is totally justified. Had you been serious you would have right away texted her that you want to marry her or involved your parents in the right way by making it clear that it is marriage that you intend not just being friends.
    Thank Allah that she took the right step for both of you and for future please avoid any form of physical relation. It is not allowed islamically and psychologically will have a huge toll on mental health.

    Dont be hard on yourself if you think she did you wrong, put it at back of your mind and when later you have matured enough, try analyzing the situation and then you might be able to let it all go .

    Also i would end by saying perhaps you would want to save your words written here somewhere, and re-read it sometime later in life. Than you would see the depth of what you have written and how this is a blessing in disguise.

  8. Asalam alikum,
    Dont expect a good result by doing haram things brother.
    I have been through what ur suffering, as per my experience which i got by suffering a extremely painful, dark time i would like to advice you the best "FORGIVE HER".
    Just forgive her and whoever cause you trouble ALLAH will reward you, pay your debt as soon as possible,give charity, if u hurt,backbite or rude to someone ask for forgiveness.
    It was not her who distance herself from you it was ALLAH who saves you from a big disaster and wants you back on rightpath, ALLAH is the owner of keys of hearts.
    if ur expecting to put ur case against her on the day of judgement, maybe you will win this one case but do u really think you can win all your deeds or case are you that Righteous?what you win a single case and lost all the case? Then dont expect forgiveness from anyone because u didn't forgive others so dont expect a miracle justice is justice bro in the court of ALLAH.
    If u expecting to get her back ask ALLAH for her or use your opportunity ask the best on this planet.but i want to warn you what people like us do is we start praying just for the sake of our lost fake love who dumped us, after some time if we didnt get what we want we start complaining ALLAH and go on wrong parth, but in reality u have to start praying just for ALLAH and accept what ALLAH gives and take, work on your iman bro . everything is temporary only ALLAH IS TRUE and ALLAH's promise are true.leave her she is accountable for herself and ur for your self.
    ISLAM IS AMAZING MY BROTHER LEARN AND ACT U WILL FIND PEACE, HAVE PATIENCE.
    This advice is for you, me and everyone else by biggest sinner of the world
    Asalam alikum.

    • I agree with your comment except the part that ‘may be you will win this case’
      What is the case he will put forward , that the girl was not serious and did not follow his lust and desires in a haram relationship?
      Or that he was upset about her not holding hands and other stuff while he himself did not take any serious step to turn this into a halal permissible relationship.
      Or that he agreed on spending rest of life with her, told his mother, wanted probably wife like relationship with her but didnt bother sending his parents over for marriage or insisting he be invited with his family to her sisters engagement to initiate proper family relations ?
      A girls life is in so many scenarios spoiled or finished if it turns into a physical relationship with no marriage. Have you gone through this site to see how miserable the life of a woman gets once she’s into zina or any physical stuff actually .

      That girl was wiser than him and may Allah always preserve her chastity , she was totally right on keeping her distance. Also i like how she left him after his exams.
      I mentioned it earlier and i would say again, had he been really serious, he would have opened the right doors. Did he mention marriage to the girl directly again after the breakup or not ?

      Also he mentioning his imaginary ex just to look cool, shows he still has to discover himself. He needs to focus on himself and then persure a girl with the right intentions and actions .

  9. Assalaamualaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakaatu.

    My brother, your situation reminds me of a story I heard from a Sheikh. It goes something like this: There lived three robbers. One day, they made away with a huge amount of money and they decided to divide it equally. However, two robbers decided that they would give less to the third robber. And so the third robber felt really, really heart broken and prayed to Allah to punish the two robbers.

    So tell me, brother, will Allah answer his dua and punish the two robbers who did injustice to him?

  10. You guys are just unbelievable. This girl tricked me and deceived me into the relationship. I never had zina and i was planning tom marry her. Before i got involved with her i wanted to find out if she was the one i truly married. this is something we both AGREED. She then tells eveyone literally so soon against what we agreed that we are couple. And i wasn't pushing her towards zina and touching. I would literally always ask her if i am doing anthing that bothers you. I was planning to have my mom meet her. How dare all of you throw such low accusations towards me and saying Alhamdullah for what she did to me?! this women abused me! On top of that i lost my job because of her and my sanity. she now harasses me whenever she sees me at school. walking really close to me. this women slandered me too. Shame on all of you!!!

  11. her friends always harrassed me calling me names. I came here seeking support and instead like wolves you all tear at me.The only reason why i never left her despite all the abuse she put me through is I didnt want to break her heart. I was alwasy honest and even at the begining i told her i dont want to do zina with her. This women rushed me into the relationship and then dropped me as soon as she became bored. Now i can not even go to the university library because she is there slandering me and trying to intimidate me by walking close up to me. I was serious for marriage. If a guy promises a false promise of marriage to girl he is a villian. But when a women does it but then walks off, she is hero? All genders are victims of abuse. Im hurt by all of your lack of understanding and coldness.

    • Studentofdeen, I think you are not ready to be advised.

      We are not saying that she is the hero. What I was personally saying is that she had no obligation to you. She was not obligated to stay with you or marry you. Perhaps she left you because she became bored as you say, in which case she is obviously an unhealthy person and you should be grateful to Allah that you did not marry her. Imagine what a nightmare such a marriage would be. Or maybe she left you for some other reason. In any case, it is irrelevant.

      Obviously it´s wrong of her to slander you or try to harass you. The best thing for you to do is to continue to avoid her as you have been doing, or even to transfer to another school if possible.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • When people come here in their most utter low moments, when they are broken and heart destroyed, comments such as the people made saying alhamdullah she was wise and thoughtful and saying nice things about their abuser and judging me without even understanding how traumatic this was, this causes more pain. This is something that can make people lives more miserable. Allah will ask you about this. I come here seeking advise and instead I get bullied being accused of all kinds of shameful things. I'm a simple guy who fell in love and didnt know these things about my religion. I even asked my mothers permission before I got involved. I was deceived and abused. If this was how you all treated me, I worry and wonder how many others did you bully and throw insensitive comments. May Allah give you all understanding and soften you hearts.

        • You say she tricked you and deceived you. “this women abused me! On top of that i lost my job because of her and my sanity. she now harasses me whenever she sees me at school. walking really close to me. this women slandered me too.”

          You need to be a Man and move on. If she is what you say is doing, let her do it. If it’s really bothering and the abuse you say she is doing then tell her to stop. This is not high school . You need to toughen up. This may be your first time in a real relationship, you were expecting too much out of it. Everyone goes through heartbreak. It’s part of life. It’s up to you how you accept it, positively or negatively. You are in so much in pain. Take it as a learning opportunity. Years will go by, you will look back and glad it didn’t work out.

        • Salam,

          Are you still monitoring this thread or have you moved on?

          • The prophet SAW said if you have nothing nice to say then remain silent. If you are just going to mock and taunt me then do not even bother commenting. We all make mistakes. Just because you are better at hiding yours doesnt give you the right to humiliate a brother who came here seeking help and advice especially when he is already in a fragile state. What is the point of this website if you guys just degrade every person who comes here desperately looking for help and kinds words of hope?

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