Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Will my past haunt me??

Hijabi woman with veil drawn over her face, half face

Asalam wa alykuum dear brothers/sisters,

I'm a 25 year old female. When I was in my teen years 13-19 I was locked up at home by my parents. They didn't want me to mix with any girls or boys, I didn't have friends then at all, I was home schooled. They did this because they believed girl's shouldn't study out or go out without a male relative being present. I wasn't allowed to even have girl friends as they believed girls are a major influence in your life. The only time I was allowed out was to go to the shops down our road and back home, I didn't complain as I got used to being home. I started to love staying at home, used to get frightened of the idea going out. But one thing I missed was chatting to people, I never had that I was all on my own. I had no one to chat too. I only got three younger brothers which they wasn't home most the times as they were boys and it's okay for them they didn't understand me so there wasn't anyone in my family I could chat too. Every time I joked with my mum she took it in a wrong way and made a big issue about it so I usually just stayed in my room and never bothered with anyone. I spent my time reading books, looking out the window watching people's lives wondering how their lives are wishing I was in their shoes.

When I was 19 there was this boy who saw me when I went to the shops once and back he lived opposite my house since then he kept asking for my number, I stupidly gave it to him. At that time I felt like I can have someone to talk to - someone I can communicate with, I saw him chatting to a girl my age once so I thought okay he can have my number, he told me he was 18 so I thought yes got someone I can talk too on my level. I later then found out he was only 14 who happened to look older for his age.. He sounded mature older.

I also found out he only wanted my number to pretend I was his gf and to show off to his mates he has an "older" girls number as it was a big thing.. I had a go at him saying he wouldn't like it if that happened to his sister why is he chatting like that how dare he lie about his age lie about everything so I cut talking to him off. He still went around saying he had my number like it was a trophy, all I wanted was someone to talk to someone I can tell about my day and listen to theirs.

Since I cut everything off, I kept myself to myself.. I thought everything would die out eventually.. Then I got to the age of 21 I was allowed out as my father found me a job at his friends shop he couldn't afford to support me so was the only way for me to bring in money as well. I felt happy, I had people around me I felt I was in heaven. I saw things like it was the first time in seeing.

Now I'm 25 years of age, I got married to this lovely brother earlier this year. Mashallah he is into his deen perfectly. The only problem is he is into culture as well and it's a strict culture which I don't mind. So the other day I went to get food for family from this restaurant but one of the person who worked there was that that boys friend. He saw me and started to speak to his other friends there about how his friend had my number when I was 19 etc etc. I felt sick, low, disgusted with myself. 6 years later and still they won't shut up about that. It made me feel sick with myself. Yes I shouldn't have talked to the opposite sex but it wasn't like I wanted a relationship i just wanted someone to talk to who was the same age as me.

If my husband finds out about this he would divorce me, he hates other people talking about us. As that's a culture thing for him. Especially if this came out. I never in my whole life did a mistake I ain't the type but that was the only thing I did which I regret totally, I thought it would pass out by now but 6 years later and it still a big thing. When his friend told the others I could see them all looking at me. I just wanted to die there and then.

I don't know what to do, I know if I told my husband he would leave. I did tell him before we got married that some boy had my number back in the day but didn't say who or how or why and we left it at that. I thought it will all go away especially within time. I just don't know what to do. please can you advice me on this please.

Thank you


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7 Responses »

  1. Don't say anything. It's your past and your information to keep to yourself. If he can't handle it, then get needs to grow up. I am sure he is not perfect himself.

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    What happened in your past is your business and nobody else's - there's no need to tell anyone about what happened, and Islam teaches that we should not reveal what Allah has hidden. Put this behind you. If you hear anyone talk about it again, try not to show how it affects you. People who are interested in gossip and rumours tend to be more interested in things that provoke a reaction or some drama - if they aren't getting that from you, they're likely to get bored and move on to the next bit of gossip.

    I think it might also help you feel better if you can develop a wider group of friends. Your local mosque or community centre may well have sisters-only prayer or study groups, where you could meet practising sisters and make new friends. You could also look into local charity projects or educational activities - getting involved in things like these can help boost self-esteem and inshaAllah help others as well.

    Midnightmoon editor

  3. such a good english at home? i cant believe. were your mother educated enough coz your father would have been outside all the day, he used to teach you ?

  4. I dont think you have anything to worry about. Do not talk to these people they only want to stir things up for you and like to gossip they have nothing better to do. Be strong and ignore them. Strongly advise you keep your DISTANCE.

  5. Assalam alaikum,

    Your husband should not leave you if he finds out - if he leaves you, it will not be because he finds out, but rather what his mind will imagine up which has nothing to do with reality. May Allah swt protect your marriage, Ameen.

    In the case that you return to the store and this issue arises again, speak to the manager and let them know that their employee is harassing customers in private (over the phone perhaps). Hopefully, you don't have the same phone number, so even if this boy claims he has your number, that is all it is, a claim. He is terribly immature and you should not let this create any worry for you.

    May Allah keep you in His protection, Ameen.

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