Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Will the situation ever change?

I'm almost 20, but my hardships have never let me grow mentally. I'm still that 10 year old sensitive Kid I was back then because I'm unable to grow emotionally. My problems have had a terrible effect on me and now, I cannot take it anymore. I urgently need help because there is still some amount of hope out there in some corner of my heart and I don't want to let go of that hope. My body has become weak and so is my mind.

My father is extremely abusive towards my mother, verbally and physically,and emotionally, from the very first the day. He insults her so much that when she cries, my heart melts down in pain. I feel so helpless and terrible that I self-hurt myself sometimes. My mom is in alot of tension and I cannot see her like that. He slanders her in different ways. I cannot tolerate that because my mother is a very pious woman. I cannot see her cry or worried. We can't tell anyone of this because of how people will perceive it as per my mother.

Through out all this time, there was a secret in my heart that is still there after all these years that haunts me. I was sexually abused by a senior in my school years, for almost 2 months,and I was emotionally abused by him, and later, by his friends too. I began to see their faces in my dreams in the form of nightmares and even now after all these years, I still see such nightmares. I didn't tell about this to anyone except my therapist however I stopped visiting her due to these home problems. I was so deeply hurt I stopped going to school, stopped making friends. I'm always afraid of confronting him again because he was very evil. Looking at him gave chills down my spine. He tried spreading rumors about me in school which created anxiety related issues in me and now I also have social anxiety disorder. I'm doing good in my college now, but I'm always afraid, in anxiety. I always ask myself that why Allah made me so weak. Why am I so bad?

I was emotionally abused by girls and teachers of my school for my childlike voice tone, gestures and appearance. Can't forget it either. It just makes me feel like everyone the society hates me for who i am and what I'am even though no one knows of me.

I really want to learn all teachings of Islam and become a practicing Muslim because through all these problems, I always Loved Allah and my faith in Him was never lost Alhamdulillah. However I did doubt that he doesn't love me and hates me instead.

I want to get married to a man who would love me and help me heal all these scars,with whom I'll prepare to go to Janna and live a life in accordance with Islam. And a peaceful life. but looking at my father, I m afraid I'll have the same kinda person. I m really in need of love and care. Honestly. Honestly :'(

I really want to complete my studies and move out of this house along with my mother to a place where she'd live happily with peace. But I'm afraid I can't be happy,ever. Guide me. I'm slowly giving up on myself. Help.

Suzanne

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4 Responses »

  1. Hold on to your salah sister be strong , and be patience. Remember all of this is a fog it's a illusion and like our beloved prophet says : live in this life like a traveler who rest in shadow of a tree and he has to get going soon . Remember allah a lot . He will help you through . Life is a struggle and you can't make it unless you remember allah a lot and know in your hear that all of this pain and suffering is going away soon. .... and do your best, work hard on your career to get a job and help your mamma out of that abusive home . There is always a way ask god to show you the way out

  2. Assalamu alaikum Suzanne

    My opinion on your situation is as follows, and I would ask you to bear with me:

    Firstly I definitely sympathize with your situation but believe it or not there is a blessing in it. What could be the blessing you would ask, the blessing is that despite the horrific experiences you have had in your life you still have faith in allah from what I gather and so your hardship can only turn to blessing and reward if you stay true to Allah and Islam.

    I have noticed so many posts on this site talking about horrific experiences and the common element in I think all of them is that the people seem to be removed from an Islamic environment whether in the home or society and they have no one to turn to as a guide or protector of their rights.

    The other element that adds to the chaos and confusion is that while people with the problems are Muslims they tend to be not practicing, and by practicing I mean following the sunnah and by that I mean all of it so shaitan has no door to enter.

    Ok so that is how I see the background to your issue and I think you understand that if you had your rights as a Muslim protected and was not subjected to a disbelieving environment your situation would likely be very different as we as Muslims are really not meant to be living in a non believing environment and if we find ourselves in that situation we need to do our best to change it or adjust our lives accordingly.

    Second thing is that you should not feel guilty for anything at all from the sounds of it. You have been exposed to a multitude of bad situations all of which I see you are quite innocent. Yes you are innocent, it is your father and all of the Muslims who have failed you by not upholding the sunnah that would protect you.

    So now practically what do you do. My advice is first you should practice all the aspects of your religion if you are not already and by this I mean, pray your 5 prayers and learn about how you can manage this in the land of disbelievers, wear your hijab and modest clothes and lastly do not have anything to do with members of the opposite sex and disassociate yourself from bad people too as best as you can.

    If you were not Muslim I think you would not be sounding so sensible and self reflective as you come across in your post so alhumdulilah I see that you are not only sane but your faith is intact too.

    Next thing is that you should draw strength from your experiences because being right after being wronged is a wonderful human quality - it is noble. So avoid the unrighteous and unislamic situations but be firm against the unrighteous no matter what or they will for sure try to take advantage.

    Allah loves you very much and he can remove all the hurt very easily but you must return to his religion and him in all and every way and strive in that - that is what Allah asks in return from you. Try it, things will turn around for you.

    Getting married is a good idea but you want to make yourself more firm in the religion and actually strict in it before you do because it sounds like you are the one who is going to have to detect who will be good to marry because your father seems way of the path. Pray to Allah to help you. If you follow the sunnah very strongly men will detect this in you and the good ones will be attracted to you for it but it will also attract the bad ones who want to do mischief too. You need to be able to detect who is who and the way to do that is to respect yourself and uphold your dignity and your right and then you see how they respond, not by their mouth but by their deeds.

    I recommend you find some elderly women at your local masjid if you can as they may be of great assistance.

    So the things that has happened there have been many reasons for that as I previously mentioned and none of which are truly your fault. You need to understand that anyone can find themselves being a victim, there is no sense or reason behind it, just the evil of creation.

    You need to safeguard yourself by taking refuge in Allah meaning to turn to him and practice all aspects of the sunnah. If you don't know much about how to do that then research or ask someone who knows.

    It sounds like your mother is having the similar journey in her life as you and the advice I have given you entirely applies for her too.

    The answer is in the sunnah.

    May Allah be with you and your mother and may he have mercy on your father, you are told to honour your parents but even Ibrahim alay salam did that for his father by staying away from him.

    Masalama

  3. Assalamu Aalaikum Suzanne, i can understand what you are going through. No i have not been abused by anyone but I have been bullied in high school by students and teachers. What i would tell you is that you should focus on your studies and become what you want to become. But at the same time pray alot. I will pray for your success in this life and the after life for you and your mum. Dont lose hope, people will talk and theres nothing you can do about that but that shouldnt put you off track. Keep working hard. And In Sha ALLAH that hard work qill pay of very sweetly. Stay strong girl.

    Sohaib.

  4. AoA,

    A few advice:
    1. Abusive father: You don't want to tell others, this is causing more trouble as he feels he isn't answerable to anyone. Get your relatives' help so it can work s a deterrent.
    Also think about getting out of that environment.

    2. See the therapist so that secretive problem doesn't bother you any more.

    3. Your voice: doesn't matter. In fact, many men are attracted to it. However, think what is natural and what is the result of mental/psychological problems. Voice is greatly affected by emotional and psychological state. I hope, when you will get rid of your emotional and psychological problems it will get better inshaAllah.

    4. Getting married: May you find and married to a good practicing Muslim. Ameen.

    5. Learn Psychology: I have seen some real life examples where people have changed their lives by understanding psychology. Study at college, university, etc., or just from the Internet.

    6. Don't make a big ball of problems, instead divide and conquer. As I did above, and you also did without realizing when you divided your text into paragraphs.

    7. Keep a journal/diary. It will ventilate your frustration.

    8. Read the Holy Quran with translation. Try learning Arabic. It will keep your mind busy besides strengthening your faith.

    May Allah alleviate your problems and give you blissful life in both worlds. Ameen.

    W'salam.

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