Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I cheated and now my wife doesn´t trust me, even though I have changed

conceal sins past do not reveal

Assalaamualaikum,

Me and my wife have been married for more than 2 years and have a kid. We are originally from the subcontinent, but live in Europe as I work here.

Alhumdulillah, apparently our life is complete and perfect. We both love each other, we have been blessed with a wonderful kid, no in-laws issues, both get  along really well with our respective in-laws, no financial issues at all, no sexual issues. The usual problems with which the whole questionnaire is filled up, we dont have them, Alhumdulillah.

But our life is still plagued with unhappiness and sorrow, so much so that I'm slowly getting tired as I'm not able to find a way out of this vicious cycle. I request you to please ponder upon my problem with patience as it's going to be a long post.

My one big mistake which I want to admit up front is that I got carried away in my weak moments and tried to search for the solution to my carnal desires outside marriage, after being married. Yes, I am ashamed of my mistake, and have cleansed myself from such things long ago - say one and half year ago.

But accepting my mistake doesn't mean that I should be guilty of what all my wife thinks that I did. I accept that the hurt and betrayal I caused to my wife is huge, and it's perfectly fine for her to overthink its magnitude, I accept that. But if we have decided to give us a chance, then at some point of time I believe acceptance should come. I can bear the guilt of what I have done, but not for everything that one thinks I've done. No amount of my explanations, or my actions seems ever to satisfy my wife.

Yes I have cleansed myself. I am now more than ever dutiful and tender to my wife and kid. But still we end up fighting over the same topic like every other weekend, since the last one and half year. And at this point in time I see myself failing in my efforts of keeping up with this anymore. I am having fears and apprehensions to come home from work, wondering what is awaiting me. Is she in a good mood, or will she start again with taunts or confrontation, will we end up fighting? This is surely leading both of us to mental trauma and unhappiness.

Even though I have changed myself and ready to give in to everything that my wife wants, still she feels that she is the lone one suffering in this marriage. I have done and want to do everything to make her feel good and positive about our relationship but it's somehow never enough, and the reason is because of what has happened. I can't go in the past and redo it. If one can't move on after one and half years and still want to fight over every weekend, then I see our relationship going nowhere. I am seriously starting to believe that the only option left to give her and myself peace is to part ways. Yes I accept my mistake, I asked for forgiveness, it's not happening- then please, there is no need to suffer more.

Yes, I have logged on to sex websites. It's a huge sin and betrayal, especially after marriage. I am not denying it. But it is what it is, nothing less and not one bit more. For example I registered myself on a partner finding portal before marriage. I made a profile and subscribed to it by making a payment. Barely used it a few times and wallahi never had any contact with anybody. It was a weak moment which lead me doing it, I realised my mistake. I was also running short with money, so I unsubscribed from it by officially sending a signed fax to the site office. But these spam sites somehow manage to fool people and even after closing my profile, money was monthly withdrawn from my account. I contacted them several times. Then, with other issues in my life, I lost focus on it and never tried to contact them again so as not to let my wife know about it.

But when my wife did come to know about it, all she saw was that I am running through a subscription for more than a year. I don't blame her, and technically what she saw is true, but she expects me to admit what happened in her own version. But it has never happened. I still live under this guilt which is not appropriate.

After a month of our marriage, I had to come to Europe and she had to stay in Asia as I couldnt arrange her visa. I was freshly married, was day in and day out dreaming of her. Was missing her physically and emotionally. I had a rough phase where I lost a job and had to start afresh. During this phase she was somewhat immune to my feelings. Many a times she denied my lovey dovey talks. I don't want to go in a discussion whether phone sex is haram or halal, but something of that sort I wanted from her which she continuously denied me.

Till that point I was ok with it. But the ugly part were our fights. Almost all the fights were based on silly stupid reasons but due to anger mismanagement turned into something bigger. The structure of every fight was the same- silly reason and our hurting comments on each other. Mostly it's taunts from her side which are really hurting, and shouting from my side. And I told her a million times that whatever the fight is, let's talk and sort it out before sleeping. But she keeps it other way round, and says some unreasonable comments, blocks me and sleeps. Here I'll be in turmoil of her taunts and blames which I don't deserve.

In one such suffocating night when I was told I was nothing, or rather what was my 'auqaat'. I was hurt and I really wanted to know what I am. It was a weak moment and I went on to sex sites and gave my description exactly what I am, to check will anybody ever will see me as something. It is wrong on my part and accept my mistake. Then I kept on receiving a hundred mails a day luring me by saying 'a sweety is waiting for you' and blah blah.

It's a known fact about these sites that 99.9% profiles are fake and the sole purpose is phishing. I never came into contact with anyone, and I realised my mistake long before my wife came to know about it and repented for it, too. But she found it out herself and the guilt of her overthinking is again on my head. No amount of asking for forgiveness or pleading guilty will ever move her, I believe. It's one and a half year now, and now I am starting to believe that if it has not stopped till now, then it'll never ever and will probably haunt us for our lives...which I cant tolerate.

These are my mistakes and I hold myself responsible for my part. But I can't and I am not ready to accept the blames for things which I have never done. I accept that my mistakes are huge ones, but they are what they are, not even one bit more.

Next and most frustrating part of our fights almost every weekend and reason for my fright coming home is something ridiculous. I have, alhumdulillah, a very good job which I am very satisfied of. So much so that daily before I leave home I pray 2 rakath salat ul hajat and shukrana for blessing me with wonderful sustenance, more than what I had deserved. I hold my workplace very holy and divine, as my job has very integral role in humanity.

Around 85% of people at my work place are females. And wallahi I never established any contact with anybody to this date. I rotate to a different department every few months, and so work with different colleagues everytime. We all have our breakfast together and everybody talks about interesting things in their lives. I am the one to talk the least, as I am a foreigner here and also because of language barrier I can't relate myself to the topics which they mostly talk. But in general things about everyday life are spoken about. I dont find it bad at all, even if my wife does, I wouldn't be having any problem with it.

If my office has an event I am proudly taking my wife along with me to it, so it speaks for itself that I dont have anything to hide or be guilty about. If at the event some of my female colleagues say 'bye' to me at the gate, then I don't think it's a reason for us to fight one whole weekend about. I find it foolishness even to give an explanation about it. Yes, they wish me 'good morning' and 'bye' daily, should we fight to death about it, or divorce each other on that ground?

There was a female colleague with whom I had a pure collegial contact. In our only professional introduction conversation, I introduced myself as a married man and never ever had a personal conversation or anything more. She called me one night out of the blue asking for the duty schedule, after contacting unsuccessfully 3 of my other colleagues. Yes, it was important as she was coming from her leave, and I incidentally had the schedule and gave it to her, and spoke to her in front of my wife. I agree that such an event can raise a lot of suspicion, which naturally had occurred and turned into a fight.

Then after may be a month, she called me again to offer her couch as she was shifting her home. Here we have to vacate our homes completely before handing it over to landlord, and she had a couch which she couldn't dispose of. She had already asked a couple of my other colleagues before me, and one told her that I had enough space in my home, so she contacted me. I spoke to her in front of my wife. But what runs in my wife's mind is that if this much is happening in front of her eyes, then what might be happening in her absence?

I tried a hundred times to explain it her. But she heartlessly dismisses it every time, saying my claim is nonsense, and I should stop repeating the same dialogues. What should I tell her, then? A new dialogue every time, for million times? This is a suffocation for me and her, too. She in her overthinking is burning herself, and making me suffer through this guilt which I don't deserve. No amount of discussion or explanation seems to satisfy her, ever.

It's been a year since I have been trying to set this thing. These silly stupid things have dampened my life and literally killed my productivity and efficiency. Previously we used to go out on weekends, or make good food at home, and have some good time. But lately it has just been reduced to terror and torture. And the reason is nil. I accept she, as a wife, should have objection to other women calling me. But I, as a husband, have a right to make my stand clear.

No amount of explanation ever will solve this. Allah is proof that there was no special bond -which my wife thinks I had- with these women. It was collegial contact, and to a lot less of an extent than the contact which my other colleagues have with each other. I maintain adequate distance outside, I maintain my limits, but still I stand guilty in my wife's eyes everyday. I am getting tired of tolerating this. She is hell bent on me accepting all this.

-DrEhsan

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35 Responses »

  1. As Salaam Alaikum dear brother it seems you enoy the western lifestyle a great deal. I believe your wife has your best interests at heart and due to your past behaviour you should change, islamically spiritualy and clearly your job is a problem . Therefore of you wish to adhere to your religion as a muslim then work within a work place where opportunities of you speaking with female co workers doest happen ie work with males if you cant change for the sake of Allah (swt) or for your wife for that matter then divorce this poor woman and allow her to find a religious spouse who will not cause her anymore distress.

    • I don't know where you live, but you basically can't live in the West and not have contact with people of the opposite sex. It's not the Western lifestyle that's the issue here, it's people's own moral compass and lack of ability to deal with their marital problems. Why would you even live in the West if you're not going to live by Western standards? Makes no sense. That's like me going to Saudi Arabia and insisting on living like a European there. As someone who's ethnically European I always get so offended when Muslims talk about being European or Western, and living as a European or Westerner, as if it's a bad thing. It's only bad if you do things that are haram. Like cheating. But then again, Muslims in Arab countries and Asian countries cheat and do haram things as well - from what I have seen, Westerners are often more Islamically correct in their behaviour than Muslims are. You don't see them force their children into marriages for instance.

  2. Assalamu alaikum dear brother, I disagree with the previous opinion sent on June 23rd at 12.39am.

    Everyone makes mistakes and it's up to us to realise and make amends. I truly believe that you have done that. You have repented and made a mistake of thinking if an act but did not go to the extent of carrying it out.

    I think your wife is a very lucky woman to have a living husband like you. You provide for her, maintain her, love her, are dedicated and committed to her and fulfill all your duties to her and your child but she's still not satisfied. Some women are lucky to have what your wife has in you but they are simply unappreciative, controlling and insensitive.
    Allah knows best what you're really like but if you're truly lile what you say you are then I feel like she is using your one mistake to justify her unappreciativeness towards you.

    My husband was extremely controlling, he didn't like me to talk to my friends or family or have any say in our household, he didn't let me have any pocket money or personal allowance allowance. He kept all of our savings including our childrens money away from me, I wasn't allowed to open any letters that came in our joint names, he didn't give me access to any money at all even that which the government gave us to spend as a married couple with 2 children, not even a penny. He used any excuse to put me down or and abused me mentally, emotional and every way. 2 yrs ago I suddenly had a brain wave. I acted on impulse When he asked me to leave over the smallest and silliest thing and be thought like always I would be scared and cry and go to bed. I NEVER TREATED HIM BADLY NOR DISRESPECTED HIM & he admits that but failed to appreciate me and his children nor provide any support for me or the children. Despite all of this 2 yrs on and I still have love in my heart for him and him alone and have not asked him for a penny for help financially, I found myself a job and maintain our children by myself.

    I work and got a place of my own for me and our children, not a word of sorry or care to ask about our children. Even after all that if he says sorry and wants to move into my house I would gladly take him back without any reservations because having peace and unity as a fanily is far superior than anything else. I just want him to come live with us happily peacefully and put all the atrocities he did to me and our children behind us never to mention them again.

    My husband was much much much worse than you but I believe that with patience and apprecation he can change too if he cares enough for our family.

    Your wife seems to be focusing on your weak points to control you, not forgiving you despite clearly wanting to be married and maintained by you seems quite selfish. Also when you mentioned that she didn't understand yoir sentiments over the phone when you needed her seems insensitive. Not being able to forgive another, not appreciating another, not trying to understand their needs or their commitments be it work or in the home......all of this suggests she has lack of empathy and is quite selfish.

    Only Allah knows best, may Allah make it easier for you both and save your marriage and may Allah bless our children.

    Ameen

    • Dear sister it seems you have been abused within your marriage, you show alot of anger and your opinion is very bias due to your experiences , I would advise counselling and that before you try to advise others. Just because your experiences were bad does not mean women all over the world must experiences equally bad experiences. You seem very dissatisfied and from reading you comment I cannot see any logic to other than justifying someones behaviour as you stated you have experienced much worse, I am Sorry sister that you yourself were a victim. Once abuse starts the victim needs to excape quickly , not make excuses for the abuse. With no Victim there is no abuse. Obviously child abuse is not the same as abuse against an grown capable adult, the key is to find a way out , not sit in the hope of change.
      May Allah grant us Strong deen and with strong deen comes knowledge on a different level. Ameen Alhamdulliah.

  3. This is a site where Muslims come for Muslim advice like related to Islam. With your problem it seems like you need marriage counselling. Your wife hasn't fully moved on from it.

    The foundation of a marriage is trust and you basically damaged it, I am sorry to say but maybe you have distroyed this marriage. We're humans not God, we're not as merciful as him whereas we're limited to emotions and feelings.. You had a wife, a kid and a home, everything was going so well until you decided to cheat. You were really foolish to make that mistake. Could have simply spoken to your wife about a potential second wife but no you preferred the haram way. If you had bothered to turn to god then you would have gotten his guidance from the quran and you wouldn't be in this situation. You're really lucky your wife even stuck around. Honestly I think she only stuck around cause she feels trapped with you as you have a kid together and probably hates your guts.

    You should try counselling and if that don't work then break up with her. No point being in a dysfunctional marriage. It's bad for every party involved. For once make the right decision. I pray for you brother and your family.

  4. Hello Dr. Ehsan

    I read your post and I feel that you are going through a lot of pain and I believe your wife is going through pain too. I being Psychotherapist can see that you and your wife will benefit from marriage counseling. Both of you need to share your pain in front of a therapist and both of you can see what the other is going through. The therapist will help you break the cycle of blame and fight, please see a psychologist/Psychotherapist as soon as possible if both of you still have even a tiny bit of hope left. Hope things get better for you and your family.

    • Ma Sha Allah , we have a Psychotherapist here, giving advise Ahamdulliah, therefore I must assume due to your expertise in this field you can see through and hear what the brother has said within his post. Within his post unfortunately he constantly refers to the marriage already being over and quite distinctively describes his wife in very negative light despite the fact he is the one who has done wrong islamically, In my mere mortal human advise as a mere Slave To Allah (swt) is that if he has no sincere intentions for his marriage to work and if he cannot sacrifice his desires for the sake of his wife and children and for the sake of Allah (swt) , then in my mere opinion as a muslima who is a pious knowledgeable person , which infact is given light upon light of guidance when religious deen is perfected Allah (swt) states he gives the highest knowledge to his creation with good understanding of deen without a Phd or masters degree - my opinion is simple, if he has no respect in his words within his post and that is the window to his heart then how do you possibly expect counselling to work for this couple , I know you state that you are a Psychotherapist but I didnt realise that in your proffession you can perform miracles. I think we should leave all the miracles to Allah (swt).and work with facts.

      May Allah (swt) keep us humble as slaves to him and May we not be haughty nor deaf dumb and blind.
      May Allah protect us.

      Allah Hafiz

      • The true victim in all of this is the children, Astagfirullah, who did not ask for this situation and my dear brothers and sisters our wealth and children are but a test for all of us, to see if we prioritize their needs over our own desires and to see if we are responsible and behave within the islamic guidelines.
        May Allah (swt) guide us and protect the vunerable.

  5. I'm not going to praise you like the others, because I actually think you are behaving in a very entitled manner. You don't get to demand forgiveness from your wife when you have betrayed her trust! You don't get to set a timeline or a date for when your wife should have to forgive you when you are the one who have ruined her trust in you in the first place! And you don't get to play the victim here, because you're not.

    What were you thinking? Can you blame her for holding on to her distrust in you when you cheated on her as NEWLYWEDS?! Like, you barely know someone when newlywed, and THIS is one of the first things she learns about you? That you CHEAT? And then you have the nerve to whine after only one year of no progress in the forgiveness department. Mate, it usually take YEARS for people to trust someone again when they have been betrayed by that person. One year is literally nothing. You are being very impatient and selfish, and I suspect that may be why your wife is not moving on from all of this. To me, you don't seem very sincere, actually. You constantly say you take responsibility for your actions, but you don't, though. You say you do, but then you talk about all of these events and situations to make yourself appear more as a victim than a perpetrator.

    You need to let your wife take the time she needs to build trust in you again, with no hassle from your part. I also agree with the others that it sounds like you and your wife don't communicate very well, so I would advise you on marriage counseling as well.

    • Thank you Lindita for saying what I would have said if I´d had time to write it all out.

      To the brother, I ask you: what if your wife had sex with another man. Would you ¨get over it¨ in a year and a half? Would you EVER get over it? Probably not. Would you ever trust her again? Probably not. Stop acting like what you did is insignificant. It is a huge, huge betrayal, and you are fortunate that your wife did not leave you. And if it turns out that she can never forgive you, and never let go of this, then that´s the reality and the two of you may have to divorce.

      Since you have a child, however, I suggest marriage counseling. You are in serious denial brother, still trying to minimize your actions, still pretending that your wife is ¨over reacting¨ and ¨over thinking,¨ when the truth is that you are trying to gaslight her into simply forgiving you and moving on. It´s not that easy, especially since you continue to give her reasons to mistrust you. You still have not truly changed at heart.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  6. All these comments above are the reason why people shouldn't be going to this site to have their questions answered. Had it been a woman, these white knights and social justice warriors would have been crying "emotional abuse!" But since it is a man, everyone has turned against him like he is the devil incarnate himself, even though he has mentioned so many times in his post that he is regretful of what he has done and accepts the blame for it. To the brother, I will advise you, repent sincerely to Allah, not your wife. Look at yourself. Do you pray 5 times a day? Make this an opportunity to come back to Allah. There is a website called islamqa run by experienced islamic scholars. I found a question similar to yours and am posting the link here:https://www.google.com/amp/s/islamqa.info/amp/en/answers/96103

    I pray you find peace and may Allah preserve your home and family.

    • Don't be such a self-righteous idiot that thinks he has us all figured out. If you look at the posts women submit, they, too, get told off for their actions and behaviour, because guess what? It's not about the gender, it's about the ACTION or BEHAVIOUR. When have you seriously EVER seen a woman being praised on here for cheating? Show me exactly where, and you'll be in your right to make the claims about us as you have. Until then, take a seat.

      I have personally told women off just as much as I have told men off - because - as mentioned - it's not about the gender, it's about the action. The only time women are told they are victims of abuse is when they are in fact victims of abuse. Again, show me where any of us have ever told a cheating woman that her husband is abusing her, and that that excuses her actions.

    • I opened the link you provided with a 'similar' question - "There is a very ill mannered wife who slanders and insults her husband. He has warned her more than once, but she insists on insulting him. He cannot tolerate this but he has a daughter, and he fears for his daughter if he divorces his wife. What should he do?"

      Similar? What a way to blame the victim, SubhanAllah!

      Will you be an angel, be loving and caring if your spouse were to cheat on you?

  7. Assalaamualaikum

    I am sorry for jumping onto this thread but i am in a predicament as well if someone can advise. I got married back home as it was an arrange marriage, i was told by my family that the girl is Hafiz e Quran. Since i got married two years ago, I was concerned about online activity of my wife Until I called her to UK and found out one day that she watches inappropriate stuff.
    It all happened while i was on my Job and she was alone in the house. I asked her if she has some problem then we can book an appointment with psychiatrists. I am torn, depress and disappointed. From where shall i get a pious spouse?

    • By 'inappropriate stuff', do you mean porn?

      • Yes. I don't know for how long this was going on. Then one day accidentally checked her google history then i found out about this. I was shocked and couldn't speak to her few days but when i confronted her she said, she watched it once and denied all. I haven't spoken to her family yet about it. Also apparently she pretends to be listening Naat most of the time even in my break time whenever i went home, she was listening Naat but i have never seen her revising her Quran.

        I don't know what shall i do because when i went through these blogs i found this behaviour is mostly linked to male so when i read comments of all those effected sister my heat cry. I don't know what to do either to end the relationship and send her back.
        Please if anyone can advise on this.

        • Wasif, your wife is definitely wrong here as watching porn is definitely forbidden in Islam. I am sorry you are going through such a tough time.

          While watching porn is obviously haraam, unfortunately both genders (male and females) can fall into this sin as it is highly accessible on the internet. Porn has become an ugly epidemic throughout the Muslim communities. I want to make it clear that women have sexual desires too, at times, equal to match the libidos of men. As Muslims, both men and women must learn to channel their sexual desires in halal and productive ways, and porn is NOT the solution.

          Your wife has sinned, and you have the right to be angry at her. However I would advise you NOT to give up on your marriage easily. None of us are perfect, and we all sin one way or the other. Our definitions of the different type of sins and the weightage we assign to each sin may vary from person to person.

          My advice would be to form lines of open, frank and honest communication with your wife. I know she has denied it, but try to clear your head and talk to her in a calm manner. Tell her clearly, this haraam activity has hurt you.

          Have you talked openly about sex with your wife (as it was an arranged marriage)? Are you two in love with each other?

          • Thank you WarGlaives,

            I tried to have an open discussion with her but she doesn't respond much like I tried to convince her counselling but she is not willing. The problem she doesn't realises that what she has done is Haraam. After one week of this incident when were were calm, i tried to discuss in a friendly manner but she said every one has watched this kind of stuff in their life so its not a big issue.
            Rather than being thankful to Allah for all his blessing like we have every thing Alhamdulillah, no in Laws interference only we both live. I don't believe in a marriage where one has to keep an eye on another. my only concern is that whoever watched porn come back to it again after some time this is what i have seen on this forum comments.

            I feel there is no trust and no effective communication between us. A spouse should be loyal and trustworthy. What i am thinking is to keep her or send her back and start my life from scratch again.

          • Your wife not admitting to the impermissibility of the sin and not opening up to frank and honest communication does pose a great hurdle.

            What you said here is 100% valid - "I don't believe in a marriage where one has to keep an eye on another. my only concern is that whoever watched porn come back to it again after some time this is what i have seen on this forum comments... A spouse should be loyal and trustworthy."

            She has broken your trust and refusing to take accountability for her actions. She is being childish, immature and stubborn.

            I believe you should draw your boundaries that watching porn is strictly impermissible both in Islam and in your household. If she is not willing to communicate or take accountability for her actions, then you have no choice but to be firm and strict.

            I know her actions are UNFAIR to you. We all deserve better. But this is her first time offense, right? Please give her a chance to correct herself, prove herself and loyalty to you and allow her to build up your trust back again. In fact ASK HER these questions directly! Is she willing to work on her flaws and improve on her marriage? Is she willing to correct herself, prove herself and loyalty to you and allow her to build up your trust back again?

            Tell me about your wife? Does she have a stubborn personality in general? How is your relationship outside of this problem? Do you guys love each other?

      • Yes. I don't know for how long this was going on. Then one day accidentally checked her google history then i found out about this. I was shocked and couldn't speak to her few days but when i confronted her she said, she watched it once and denied all. I haven't spoken to her family yet about it. Also apparently she pretends to be listening Naat most of the time even in my break time whenever i went home, she was listening Naat but i have never seen her revising her Quran.

        I don't know what shall i do because when i went through these blogs i found this behaviour is mostly linked to male so when i read comments of all those effected sister my heat cry. I don't know what to do either to end the relationship and send her back.
        Please if anyone can advise on this.

  8. Yes she is a kind of stubborn though doesn’t argue with me much generally stay quite but does whatever she wants. On the surface the relationship looks great, we do love each other but she doesn’t discuss anything about future. What I understand is that we have difference of opening in every matter. Intact I ignored all the factors effecting the marriage with the impression that with passage of time she will be fine only believed that she has a good character. After facing this hard reality I have become depressed, insecure and disappointed.
    The problem in my marriage basically started from the very first week when I found her pretending to be reserved and emotionless where I have seen newly married couple quite affectionate to each other. So whenever I tried to initiate any talk she pretends to be reserved or stayed busy over the phone.
    Now the matter is she is not open to me rather she shares everything with her mum and sisters who tried to interfere into marriage a lot.

    • WAsif

      Please note that marriage comes up with all such issues like she talking to her mom and not open to you etc etc .
      It takes time for each other too get comfortable with each other etc .

      As far as porn is considered its possible while browsing she might have encountered few sites accidentally and she keeps clicking on those few times initially .
      Or some times its possible when you are alone while intention might not be to view bad stuff but during browsing she just viewed it and not thinking much about it .

      If she is regular adult stuff watcher then you have big issue but if she occasionally watched it and that too unplanned i hope she might stop it .

      Just don't be aggressive over her .Take things slowly .Be good with her .Identify her areas of interest and get involved with her .

      Nowadays porn is so easily available that a person might fall in to trap without real intention .

      I guess your wife is not too much in to it but just here and there few things she watches .

      She will stop in for sure . You please dont mix this issue with others .

      Marriage requires lot of patience . I wish you both good luck .

  9. Thank you Cool bro for your brotherly advise but i am afraid she is habitual. This pattern of her activity is a reflection of her last year while she was away due to visa.reason. She pretends to be very pious in front of me and others and her family believe that she is an angel.I am the only one who knows her dark side Astagfirullah.

    • Porn is definitely haraam as all muslims are aware, but calling it her dark side Astagfirullah, Allah (swt) will decide that .
      This is a lesser of two evils be thankful she was not cheating with men. Alhamdulliah her pious behaviour has clearly stopped her from committing the major sins. No one is perfect if she repents and stop this then Ahamdulliah but if she doesnt not then do dua for her. Maybe if you communicate with her and treat her with kindness and affection she will feel no need for this haram material , In Sha Allah.
      May Allah (swt) make us and our spouses the coolness of our eyes.

      • Jazākallāh Khair for your advise and correcting me. Brother To me it's not about perfection, it's about right and responsibilities and to stay within the boundary/ limit of marriage. After that incident i even tried to console her but what i gather from her behaviour is that she is stubborn. She listens to one ear and then ignore it and this has been going on since the start of my marriage.
        Now the situation is that i don't trust her anymore. Feel like i am done.

  10. WAsif
    Has she started watching porn again and again or you are just assuming things ?
    Also soft porn like romantic relation is different from hard core real pirm which all will gave naked images.
    If she is looking for kind of soft porn like romantic and movies then I think what you need is to put her in to some activity like education or job etc ..
    If she is looking at hardcorn porn and addicted means you need some counselor/ doctor help ..
    I hope you are simply not assuming things?

  11. Brother,

    From the first week of my marriage, i saw that she was always on mobile texting mostly. She was emotionless, I couldn't get my head around of this behaviour as i have not seen it. I left after a month and applied her visa which was refused then there was a gap of more than one year. When i went back around six months back, everything looks to me normal so i made sure that her character is intact. so i applied her visa and brought her here. I never tried to check her phone neither back home nor here that one day i saw some videos search on my smart tv then i got alerted and i found out that this has been going on for past two months. When i confronted her she refused on my face. what i have seen is she lied a lot on my face. apparently she will offered five times a day and recite Quran as well.

    when i asked her had you even seen these things in my absence in home country. She refused it and said whatever she watched just as a curiosity and to learn it but contents she watched doesn't match her statement. So i now found new evidence that she used to watched same stuff whilst in my absence in home country, These were the same websites she visited. so its repeated behaviour. I tried to console her to take her to psychiatrist but she is not willing. Afterwards she started watching filthy Urdu stories on your tube. I don't understand what shall i do now. for the sake of argument i can say OK in my absence she viewed those contents but once she is here with me then why did she behave like this. ?

    • WAsif ,

      I can say separation is not a good option as these things are happening so much in current world nowadays.
      I guess almost 3 out of 5 people might have watched some adult content (Either intentionally or unintentionally ) .

      I think give lot of time . Just don't be behind her about only this issue all the time .
      Just be patient for some months .
      Some times a person want to change himself but struggles with him/herself to quit it .
      Have a regular life with her and take her outside .
      Have a great sex with her and spice up things as she will be already charged up due to adult stuff .
      A man needs sex and beautiful and good body .If you already have it why not to Enjoy with her as its halaal for you .
      Delay your kid but enjoy sex frequently . So don't overthink about her as sinful .
      What if you get very pious woman but don't feel her attracted with her personality and body ? Then you will carve for good sex . I will say have lot of sex with her and both should enjoy frequently.

      Please note she might be feeling low as her husband has caught her and she will be mentally at back foot .Though you won't find from women's body language and talk but mentally she will be defensive .

      I suggest you to have lot of patience . I guess her habits will die down on its own .

      You need to involve her to some job or college if she is busy she wont get time for all these .

      Just don't over stress your self with this . These things gets solved but over a period of time .

      Enjoy your newly married life .

      • I second this advice.

        No marriage is perfect and spouses must work hard to fix things and mesh with each other.

      • You are really cool brother. I had the same thought so applied the same strategy. no matter here in UK or back home country, I gave my all time to her. Though she is expressive to other's but not with me so i can not read her mind that when she is happy or what makes her happy.

    • Salam WAsif,

      Her watching porn does not bother me as much as her lying about it. There's a lot of people that watch something. If it's not porn then it's shows with some kind of revealing clothes. And people try to satisfy themselves with it. Some guys and girls are fine with this, they accept it in themselves and in their partners, others are more religious and do not. If it was just this incompatibility I would say there's an impact but it may be livable. The lying on the other hand is a huge deal. And the lying can destroy your relationship. I recommend divorcing now before you have kids, it just does not seem like you two are compatible.

      You may find another wife that doesn't watch at all too and considers it cheating if you do. Perhaps you would be more compatible to her. This wife, I'm sure there's a guy that would lie just like her and would happily watch with her. You might as well let her find that guy and have yourself find your type of girl.

      • Wasalam M,

        Thank you for taking time to read my problem and advise which i like it. i am of the same view that if she can not live honestly and faithfully then she should find her way out. I can not live my whole,life keeping an eye on her and doing different check ups on her. Later i have seen people called like suspicious man. I never ever said to her anything until i found the proof.

        My heart ache when I recalled that at the time of my wedding they took so many references about my character because our family shared common friends. They even didn't let me see her at the time of my Nikkah. I was under the impression if they take care such things then she must be observing purdah from non Mahram. Later I found out that she was active on all social media platforms. I have not seen a single app where she had not register or had an account.
        How will she come to know the boundary of marriage.

        • Yes , When you think about wedding process and all it will make you angry .
          I know when some one tries to follow deen properly and gets married for pious person and when suddenly all these is discovered , its going to frustrate him a lot .

          The problem is that you don't have many " real pious "people . There are few in the world (not that its zero ) but majority is not much honest .

          A good bachelor guy/girl assuming a marriage a holy alliance which is going to solve problems but unfortunately it doesn't solve much in reality .It creates lot and lot of problem from all dimensions

          .If its not pron then some thing else .
          The Happy Happy pious living doesn't exist in masses .

          People pray namaz ,have long beard and then cheat in business .Girls observe hijab ,pray namaz ,
          then make boyfriends and ends up in doing zina also .

          Life is more complicated than what a decent bachelor guy thinks when he want to get married .

          Also you are not supposed to highlight other's sins . If you know some of your neighbor girl had committed zina before and now she is repented .If she has got some good proposal then you are not supposed to highlight her past to groom . So this part is tricky . You can't blame any of your wife's family that they have not highlighted her bad part to you as its not allowed to do that islamically.

          So at the end of day it depends on you what you want to do . For time being don't have kids .
          Spent few more months and see How it looks .

        • Salam WAsif,

          Sorry about your heartache. Porn is pretty private and not even the parents or the spouse are aware of it for years. Unless she was watching out in the open there would be no character witness. You could publicize that porn is a deal breaker for you and for those women that do watch they could reject your offer without disclosing that they watch. If you meet the girl in person you could just tell her how it is.

          As for your current wife, you should let her have a generous release. Although this flaw is incompatible to you, she is still muslim and you should let her keep the gifts you gave her. If you know of another brother that is compatible to her you could help her and him get together. Salam.

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