Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Will we marry or not?

broken heart

May ALLAH swt bless you all.

I am in a very difficult situation, one of the most testing situations I have ever been in Allah o Akbar. May ALLAH ease my pain.

To make a very long story short, I have known a man for 2 years now, solely by texts. Even though I was raised in Europe, I have led an extremely secluded lifestyle, literally I have never even touched a guy's hand, or been near any non mehram alhamdullialh. This guy is my first everything, my first guy's number in my phone!! sounds so pathetic, but it is the truth. We have never dated, never met even!!. He sent a formal proposal to my house, my mother rejected him vehemently. This was down to the typical reasons, not good enough, not rich enough, this is very unfair on him as he is well established.

Regardless, we stayed in contact. There were never any haram talks, I myself, alhamdullilah, observe my 5 obligatory prayers and sit Qiyaam in the night. Besides the one picture that we are allowed to see of each other, we have never even exchanged pictures. Our purpose was Nikkah only.

Now what has happened is that, I was recently involved in a very serious car accident, the driver had passed away it was so bad, may ALLAH grant her jannah ameen. I did not tell my mom about this accident as there was already so much stress in our home. Even I sustained severe head injuries. His elder sister called my mother to confirm, my mother denied. Now of course, he thinks such a major event was a lie. His family is against me now too. Please help, what should I do...I understand his feelings, in that how could my mother be unaware of this, but I have no reason to lie. I have never asked him for anything to gain sympathy, for example, a gift or anything.

My question is, how can I make everything right again, now my beloved mommy knows everything too. His sister is evil, very evil, she is probably so glad this happened. I cannot lose him, now he is treating me very bad. Please help, we have asked for each other in every namaz.

Up until this, everything was perfect. I am innocent, I didnt even tell him about the accident myself as it would worry him. My younger sister told him.  Please advise me. I am truthful and he is still behaving so bad towards me....

I have always placed his family first, always. I never ever even jokingly said, o no talk to me first and then ur mother, subhanALLAH.  Understandably, everyone is telling me to leave him, he has not asked about my wounds once...when he was ill, even a cold I have stayed up nights to worry for him, His sisters do not get proposals...in every prayer I have prayed for them before myself.......I have never ever ever placed him even on the same meter as my Lord, my Creator, but yes....I had begun to consider him my happiness. I sob as I type, please someone help me.

prettyshy93

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10 Responses »

  1. I think this is a major sign from Allah that you need to leave him alone. This man is not your everything, your religion is your everything.

    I really suggest you leave it alone because if he doesn't trust you then this is will cause you great stress later if you marry.

    Also, I don't get why you must convince him that you were in an accident when you didn't even tell your mother. Imagine if you had sustained head injuries and died. Would you want to go in this current state?

    Leave the man alone. I'm afraid he will start making strange suggestions to you and convince you that that is how you will regain his trust. Allah knows best.

  2. Asalam o alaikum sister,

    You said you are a good Muslimah as you offer your prayers, Qayyam etc. Then when this boy came you engaged yourself in a haram relationship with although your intentions were clear but relation was haram. I don't want to be harsh but according to Islam relation was wrong.

    Yet although i understand very well that love and attachment thing. I know you love him and wants to marry him. But dear he is really no good for you. Let me tell you why... You said he has not asked about my wounds once...when he was ill, even a cold I have stayed up nights to worry for him... Whatever the anger was, how can he ignore your wounds like that. This is just an example.

    Another example... He is treating you bad because he was told that you lied. Did he ask you the whole situation? Did he consider you as his priority? Sister these symptoms do not show him a perfect match for you. He is not trusting you now then how will he trust you in future. Any guarantee that he will trust you and won't behave bad in future.

    You are a good Muslim then why not considering this as a sign for you that he is may be not good for you. ALLAH loves you and may be this is a sign for you to leave.

    But if you still want him then go talk to your mother to reconsider this proposal again and leave everything to ALLAH. This will be your last try i must say. Don't go after him to trust you and don't contact him him again. Just talk to your mother and then just pray and stop doing anything for him. If he is really good for you there will be a way INSHAA ALLAH and if he is not good for you then sorry to say you'll have to leave him. He is not showing any signs of accepting you as you are because he can't ignore a small misunderstanding.

    There is a hadith that Our beloved Prophet P.B.U.H said, "Women is a weak creation than man. She may do different things out of her weakness. Don't expel her for that, Love her knowing all those weakness in her"

    I can understand your pain dear and these are not just words i can really do so stop crying for him. You are an innocent girl so ALLAH will choose a beautiful reward for you. How can ALLAH give you a person who is not worthy for you. This person does not seem worthy so may be that's why he has to leave. Just pray ALLAH can do anything so just pray to Him that how much you love this guy and wants to marry him. ALLAH will listen to you as He has promised. So, just trust Him and stop crying for this situation. Cheer up sister ALLAH is with you.

    May ALLAH Bless us. I'll pray for you. Please remember me in your prayers.

    • Aoa

      What if something similar..I mean misunderstandings and allegations of lies and betrayal are thrown at you by your husband..deep down I am content within myself that the marriage is young and I made mistakes but my intentions for my husband are nothing but love that I wish to carry to the aakhirah.
      He even fought with me on the day of my father's funeral.
      Doubting is gunnah but I've seen his viber from the corner of my eye and once skype and hidden conversations all point out to another women. He's lying more and his ways in love making seem superficial now. The passion isn't there. Maybe that's because he thinks Ive lied.
      No one knows of the other woman.
      My family seeks a divorce by indirectly pointing it out and saying to me that I've no dignity and self respect by accepting these major faults in my husband.
      He won't register the nikkah even.
      He's my husband. I believe it's a union Allah makes and it can't end up wrong if He jas made it.
      I try to be patient but sometimes I can't keep it anymore.
      I don't think it's a "wrong" dua if I plead and beg Allah for my husband's love.
      I wish to even stay away from my mother and brother to keep away from negative thoughts.
      They say I'm being foolish. I don't agree. I believe I have faith and it'll IN SHA ALLAH see me through and I'll gain back my husband.
      But then I am scared that I'm being impractical. Can you please guide me. I'm saying nafl haajat and dua r haajat also.

      • Walaikum Aslam,

        Sister, you are trying everything by seeking help from ALLAH that's good but did you try talking to your husband? I mean go talk to him sincerely, tell him your feelings, your doubts everything. He is your husband, don't hide or hesitate to tell him your feelings. select a weekend or any free time and just confront him everything. By confronting him i don't mean shouting or doubting. Look whatever happened, happened. Just talk to him to forgive you if you did mistakes and forgive him for past and try to convince him to start a new life with you as your marriage is young. Your intentions are not wrong so keep your faith strong.

        About union thing i am not saying that ALLAH did any mistake but you know about divorce scenes and second marriages etc that simply means that some people come in your life for a reason or short period of time. Try to do some practical things and trust ALLAH. Don't lose faith or patience. Show him your love your care and talk to him. Give him some time. Marriage is not a bed of roses. So, you'll have to show some patience.

        Trust ALLAH and keep your faith strong. ALLAH said "God does not intend to burden you, but He intends to purify you, and to complete His blessing upon you, that you may be thankful." (Surah Al Ma'idah)

        "So remember Me, and I will remember you. And thank Me, and do not be ungrateful.
        O you who believe! Seek help through patience and prayers. God is with the steadfast."
        (Surah Al Baqarah)

        "We will certainly test you with some fear and hunger, and some loss of possessions and lives and crops. But give good news to the steadfast. Those who, when a calamity afflicts them, say, "To God we belong, and to Him we will return." Upon these are blessings and mercy from their Lord. These are the guided ones." (Surah Al Baqarah)

        I heard these verses are very powerful for the ones who are in trouble. So, recite them day and night:
        1. Sura Ala Imran (Sura No.3) Verse. No. 26&27
        2. Sura A Nur (Sura No.24) Verse. No. 35
        3. Sura Al Fath (Sura No.48) Verse. No. 29
        4. Sura Al Hashr (Sura No.59) Last Four Verses

        Sa’d ibn Waqas reported that the Prophet, peace be upon him, said, “The supplication made by the Companion of the Fish (Prophet Yunus) in the belly of the fish was, ‘La ilaha illa anta, subhanaka, inni kuntu minadh-dhalimin (there is no god but You, You are far exalted and above all weaknesses, and I was indeed the wrongdoer)’. If any Muslim supplicates in these words, his supplication will be accepted.”
        In another report we read, “I know words that will cause Allah to remove one’s distress. These are the words (of supplication) of my brother Yunus, peace be upon him.”
        Source: Tirmidhi

        Or recite duas from http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/dua-in-islam/dua-for-anxiety-and-stress-2/

        These are the duas and verses for problems and stress etc. This is Islamic help. Practically as i told you just go talk to your husband and have patience. Give some time.
        INSHAA ALLAH ALLAH will help you.

        Pray for all of us as everyone here have one or some problems so pray for us. I'll pray for you.
        Stay Blessed and be happy.

        • Aoa,

          JazakAllah for your kind reply. It really means alot.
          I have spoken to my husband about the other woman but he says since he's with me every night and that his mother wants him to divorce me and remarry and he's not doing that is enough for my security. Also he thinks that my family is pulling my strings by telling me to bring up issues to cause fights. He says that he's giving the relationship time and we both do our bit and see. Tonight again he did the same. He stayed in the bathroom for an hour and was chatting in whispers. 11 times he used the flush and even went out to the car to get his portable charger in order to be able to chat. He denies such incidences vehemently and says his stomach is badly upset and brings the topic to my family pulling my strings.
          Today I told him the passion is gone and I don't feel wanted but all he said was don't talk too much and began love making instantly without passion or anything. I acted along.
          After he came out of the bathroom I took a shower and immediately said nafl and dua e haajt and nafl and dua istekhara for Allah to open the best way to win my husband's love back.
          I pray Allah gives hidayat to my husband soon and keeps him protected from the shaitan (ameen).
          He says he has forgiven but is giving the relationship time and if things work then good if not then no hard feelings.
          He says he's giving me his 100% by fulfilling his role as a husband and such talk from me will only drive us further apart. He says to live quietly in peace and see what happens.
          I feel very disrespected. I initiate and ask for love making. My husband has stopped. He doesn't even hug me whilst sleeping anymore and stops immediately if I want a deep kiss. Not even sllowing selfies together. I feel low and he says he's my husband and I should ask but he himself shows no want for me. It's as if me begging for love making gives him a feeling of power.
          The girl sent him a quote that don't let anyone treat you like a cigarette who use you when they are bored and stamp on you when they are done. Be a drug and let them diefor you.
          Whilst watching his favourite tv programme he msgs her but doesn't pay attention to what I say. I joke things away but it's hurting me deeply since my father has just passed away and for my husband I fell apart from my mother and brother at a deep level although we do talk weekly.

          JazakAllah for telling me the prayers. I will start reciting them immediately.

          Stay blessed always.

          • Walaikum asalam,

            Sister, give it some time. Things will change INSHAA ALLAH. Sometimes there comes a time when we feel things are falling apart. He is your husband, he is not stopping you from love-making then don't stop. Stop thinking so much and keep doing effort and stuff together. Put your 100% and leave other things to ALLAH.

            Stay Blessed and remember me in your prayers.

  3. Salaam sister,
    Do not complicate your life. You are not yet married to him so you should not be worrying about him. You are GOLD. Honestly speaking, it's hard to see a someone who grew up in the West and who did not indulge in Haram relationships or mix with men.So, please calm down.

    Secondly, if the guy's family are not of now very welcoming of your, please leave him.Your husband's family will be yours and if they are not good, then it will affect your life.You are not marrying him alone, but his family too. Be careful. You are not in love, so do not let Shaytan play into your ears.End this 'relationship' and move on.
    That's my sincere advice.

  4. Please sister, leave him. He wont be a suitable partner to you. You do whatever things your mom likes. Because Allah knows the best. I think this is awarning sign to you from Allah to leave this man. Pls stay away. Dont listen to saithan's word. Salaam

  5. Salam

    DONT ENTERTAIN HIM ANYMORE

    REASON - Is he so insane that he thought you would lie about the accident ? I mean is ACCIDENT anything to lie about ?
    Your mom dint find it appropriate to share it with his sister. Fair enough !
    That doesnt makes it a Lie.

    You have a beautiful life aheah Alhomdulliah Rabbil Alameen. Dont waste on someone who thinks a real awful thing as a lie.

    Wa Salam

  6. Sister leave him alone. He is not a good man. You had an accident, you didn't lie, he doesn't trust you, it's not your fault. He treats you very bad already!!! Why would you want him as a husband???subhanAllah this is a sign from Allah, you shouldn't marry him. You shouldn't be talking to him for 2 years, he is a non maharam not your husband, he shouldn't be your everything or the source of your happiness, Allah should be, not a man, not even your husband.
    His family doesn't like you, you said his sister is evil, don't marry into this kind of family. Don't contact him sister, stop all the communication. Be grateful to Allah, He saved you from a lot of future problems.

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