Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Woman’s instinct telling me things are wrong in our marriage

Ashamed woman, sad woman, depressed woman

Assalam alaikum

I am married to a man who is 43years old, married in his first wife and has three children. In Islam polygamy is accepted. This man proposed to me thrice until I accepted him. I pity his situation being married and not having intimacy with his first wife because they always argue about money or other stuffs. He was good with his words always true. He wants to have a child and in shaa Allah if it is a son he will be a hafiz or imam and we will have honeymoon as umrah. I fall for it and loved him for the sake of Allah.

When I broke the news to my mom that I am getting married they don't want because they dont know the guy. My husband was kinda hesitant to come for marriage as well because he is afraid of whatever drama will happen. Alhamdullilah we got married. The trouble is that my family doesnt know he has a first family and his family doesn't know he is married to me. All of this situation I truly understand I remind myself to love him and take care of him, but I can't my rights as a wife is not due to me..still I bare all the pains in silence. I went to sharjah to get pregnant and for honeymoon. Indeed Allah is the best of all planner. We plan but Allah has better plans for us. I came back to philippines devastated because I am not pregnant. I know my husband was really expecting that I will get pregnant. It wasn't God's will yet. In shaa Allah soon.

Having a child is one of our mission in this dunya. I can bare raising alone the kid in halal way because I don't want to ruin his first marriage. I am not going to ask him to divorce his first wife. My husband became lux and would say he is tired. I understand that in his age, he will get tired easily. October 17, 2014 he told me he is going to india with his brother. I didn't mind. I don't know why my instinct keeps bugging me. October 26, 2014 was holiday in their country and I didn't know so I asked a friend. That is when I started to have doubts because he said he will live to india friday but he is living thursday. Let's say he will arrive friday early morning in india. But my instinct still bugs me and told me it is Sunday now your husband has to go to work. He didnt give me a message so I begun to worry for four days we didn't have communication because his phone slip and got broken. Okay so the phone got broken. I sent him a long email about women instinct and he told me he is worried. I asked why he would be if he is not doing wrong. He said I am thinking wrong. I gave it a break but then the obvious fact was stated. He got a new samsung tab in replace of the broken nokia phone. He has been online and couldn't reply with my message and if he does he would say he has to finish audit or do something. I am a very understanding woman but my doubts started to build up because my woman instinct says that he has another woman and... I dont know I only want him to tell me he made a mistake that's it end of story. When I see him online I send him a message and he would say it looks like I'm up but I am not.

November 1, 2014 i was shocked because he blocked me on whatsapp I panic. I asked him why he did he said he wants to hide it because he wants to focus with his audit report. Okay so whatsapp is back after I complain but he told me he wanted to remove whatsapp. I started to ask why? You never complain about it before? I begun to tell him you are always online but you dont even say a word to me. Okay he said my internet is always on and it seems like I'm online when it is on. Wow! How couls you give me a dumb reason? I explained how it works. I said when your internet is on you will see a double check if you receive the message. If you open whatsapp that is the only time that you go online. When you are out of the app last seen will appear. So he thinks I don't know. Okay fine. I told him make a walahi that you don't have another woman. He didn't until now. He then annoys me and told me not to push him to get third or forth wife. He said I wont get anything because he is telling the truth. I am so frustrated because my instinct says he is talking to another woman. How will I bare these lies? I cant be in a relationship full of lies.

I forgave him but now he is doing the same habit of going online and when I message him he would say he was watching videos online or have fallen asleep. I am thinking if I did wrong on marrying him for being hasty. I cannot change no matter how much I accept our differences in culture and age. I sent a lot of emails and messages but it remains untold and was just kept silent. I dont want to have divorce but I cant live with lies.

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3 Responses »

  1. Sister,

    Trust your gut.

    so if i understand are married but he doensnt see you or live with you or you are not even in the same country? did he ever promise to bring you with him home? How often do you see eachother?

    it seems wierd my dear. My rule in life is if you do anything in secret and things are being hidden- its usually a bad idea. Bad idea that his 1st wife doenst know- and very bad that you accepted to be his little secret.

    My thinking is that he thinks you are beautiful and want to have sex with you legally- so he said lets get married- and not live with eachother-. not sure what the context is- but its sounds as if he is using you for his pleasure and now he is done with you not that you are now offically married.

    Trust your gut my dear, never stay in a bad situation. Make it clear to him that he has to treat you well, keep in regular contact with you, and show you that he still cares and wants you in his life for the long run- or else you can leave- marriage doesnt mean you stay if you being used and treated badly.

    Find someone in your country, who loves you, cares for you, and is open about loving you to the world and will share that with anyone who see. Not someone who hides you as his affair while he keeps another family.

    You are a woman of dignity and respect and thats not the kind of relationship you deserve.

    May Allah make things easy for you my dear.

  2. Why do you have a problem with him talking to other women or taking a third or a fourth wife?? How did you both meet? I bet the same way and now he is doing the same thing which he did with you with other women. You are a secret second wife and he probably wants a secret thirth wife now!! Now you know how his first wife will feel. Whar goes around comes around!! How do you know if he told you the truth about his first wife in the first place????

  3. He is doing to you what he did to his wife. I dont have much sympathy for a woman who essentially stole somebody elses husband and then expected to have a successful married life with him. He didn't care about his first wifes feelings and to be quite frank he doesn't care about you. How did you trust him considering he was cheating on his wife with you, don't you think he could do the same to you? He has clearly shown you he has no respect for women but you still married him and even concealed that he is already married from your parents.

    Best thing now would be to tell your parents the whole truth and see how they can help. He's already married you so now he needs to man up and take responsibility. He needs to understand that he should be treating both his wives equally. I would advise that you don't become pregnant until you can trust him. If things don't improve then cut your losses and get a divorce.

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