Mother of child with special needs: work or stay at home?
Work-Life Balance
Assalam O Alaikum,
I married my husband while I was still completing my studies in nursing, we had a baby before I completed my studies and I deferred a year because of this. Now I am completing my last semester and have applied for graduate nurse jobs. Being back at university it has been the first time being away from my son for long periods of time. My husband is staying at home with him during my days at university but I can't help but feel that I am neglecting him as he shows signs of missing me while I'm gone.
I also worry that I am just pursuing this career for my own selfish reasons as my husband is a business manager and is sacrificing his time to be away from work. The other problem is that my son has had medical issues and they are still ongoing. I live in a Western coutry and feel like I will be judged for not getting a job after my studies but my heart is nagging me to be a stay at home mother. Can I have some advice please?
Rl jel.
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Wa'alaykumsalam sister Rl Jel,
I would advice you to complete your graduation. If your husband is a business manager, then I dont think there is any financial difficulties in your family. If your husband can put you and your child under a roof, feed you all, cloth you all etc then you do not need to work AT ALL and instead just be a loving, caring housewife and take care of his home, your kid/s and he will takecare of the rest. Working without any need is selfish I guess. As Allah stictly commanded women to stay indoors at all times. Even our Prophet commanded woman to remain indoors unless during times of needs like to feed herself if she is independant etc. Obey Allah, since your marriage life is happy one as it seems, you must be thankfull and greatfull to Allah and your husband. He seems to be a great husband as he actually took time out from his job and stayed at home to takecare of the child masha'Allah. Your married life would insha'Allah be perfect and the upbringing of your child would insha'Allah be perfect if and only if you takecare of them as a housewife and your husband will do his part of supporting you all. If both the parent are running behind careers then its disaster for mosts.
Tc
To add more, since you said your husband is showing signs of missing you, then you must make sure you go back home for vacations atleast. Stay with him and your child. Since you also said your child has some medical issues, it only means you have to be with him at all times. Take good care of him.
Finally, follow your instincts. Your heart is nagging you to be a housewife then go for it. Just DO it. Or else you might regret in the future when things falls apart. Which make me think twice if its better for you to complete your graduation or not first. But by semester, I believe its only 3-4 motnhs. If yes then complete it. For future securities.
May Allah help you to come to a perfect decision. Ask Him for help.
As Salamu Alaikum,
Sister, it is great that you are going to school. No matter how wealthy is your husband getting your own education is a wise decision. Please, do not worry. You are almost there.You can do it! I do not know which country you live in but if you are in the US, once you get your RN license you have the option of working part time. I know nurses who have kids who work only 20 hours/month, just to keep the license.
So it is up to you, you have the option to work as little as you want as a nurse or as much as you want. But just remember that if you do not practice for 6 months, you will loose your license and will have to take classes and reapply for your nursing license. To be sure, just ask the faculty at your school regarding the nursing license in your state.
Finally, if you choose not to work, you have that option also. After your graduation just weight your options and go with what you think is right for you. Inshaallah, you will make the best decision.
Best wishes for you and have a blessed Ramadan,
Reader
dear sis,
complete your studies, inshallah Allah will make it easy for you. do part time job, you didnt earn this very professional degree for sitting at home. ofcourse do not compromise your family life.
moms who go to work always feel that guilt that they are not fulfilling their dities of a wife or mother, soon your kid will be going to school and things will become easy. also allah has blessed you with a very supportive husband, so utilise this oppurtunity and blessing.
DONT give up. you should use your abilitiy and talent and comittment not just for your family memebers but also for your own development and eventually benefitting the society as well. we need to have more n more muslim brothers and sisters in all the professions to bring good name to the Ummah.
Sister,
My own daughter is now nine years old and she too has special needs. Although at the moment I am a stay at home mom, I am considering going back to work. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting to further your education and pursuing your dreams. You and your husband can work together and Inshallah everything will turn out for the best.
Salam
Salaams,
I personally think that being home with your special needs child takes priority. I'm not saying you shouldn't finish your studies, but when it comes to entering the work force it's best for your child to have a parent around, and the mother would be ideal. If your child has special needs which require someone to be in home caring for someone, it's better you do it than hiring and paying for a professional to do the same.
I don't know which "western" country you live in, but here in the USA women who work and leave a special needs child in the care of someone else are sometimes viewed as selfish. They are scoffed at more than a woman who has children with no special needs but stays at home with them out of preference. I remember when we had our last presidential election, and Sarah Palin was running with John McCain against Obama....many people knocking Palin for even doing politics or considering a VP bid when she had a small son at home who had down's syndrome, and said it would've been better if she was home with him instead of out campaigning and leaving his care to others.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister Amy,
I apologise in advance for my rant-lol.
I dont know about the US, but certainly in the UK, women who don't want to work to look after the kids are seen a bit as 'lazy.' (It's ironic isn't it how some people in the West complain about how Islam 'oppresses' women by 'pressurising' them to stay home, or how Islam views career women as 'unislamic' *which we know is not true - yet the attitude in the western society here does the opposite and can feel almost oppressive towards sisters who choose not to work if their husband brings in a sufficient income.
The general attitude here is you should work and pay someone else to look after your kids and if you dont work you're not positively contributing to society. It's sad. So Alhumdulilah that Islam has given women the right and recommendation to stay at home or to work if it does not affect familial duties.
I know a sister who taught a child who only ever saw her kids once a week for 2 hours, SubhanAllah - no wonder the family unit is breaking down in the West.
Don't get me wrong it is good to work, everyone needs 'adult' time for self development but where is the time to raise the kids. May Allah swt make us individuals who positively contribute to society we live in and raise the next generation to be good, strong, pious individuals of good character and deen. Ameen.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Amy,
salam,
i dont think its a matter of priority. this mom is obviously taking the kid as her first priority, but life needs to continue as well including trying to incooperate work/profession. just because she has a kid with special needs doesnot mean that she needs to stick at home all the time. her husband is mashallah cooperative , then why not complete studies. it will never go waste. if she completes her nursing, who knows she might be able to care for her son in a much better/professional way.
Salaams,
I didn't say she should forgo her studies, I only said that working full time afterwards is what she should give up. I fully believe that if the husband is capable of supporting the family on his own income, she should not work if her child needs her more than they need the additional income.
-Amy
IslamicsAnswers.com Editor
dear Amy.
well, she is studying to be a professional( which means work afterwards as a nurse). she is not just doing a bachelors degree or stides which will lead you to work from home oppurtunity
not all professionals are working just for money. i really dont understand why people always mix up profession with income, ofcourse if you are working you will be earning some amount.
they are working because its their profession. please dont get me wrong iam not saying that being a mother and needs of this child are not a priority.
a child needs both parents. so if dad is ready to give some of his time to home( specially this kid) than why not work? ( its not just work , its keeping in her profession)
i dont agree with your opinion that ' she should not work'. ofcourse i respect your opinion.
i will tell you a personal experience. my dad was very sick( comatose ) needed full time care from nasal feeding to requiring changing sides every so often. where i come from there is no palliative care so all his nursing was done at home. me and brother were the sole careres. he was still studying a professional degree in his last year ( like this sister) i had just started to work ( i am a professional myself) if i would have left the job it would mean that i may not get into the stream line , also if my brother had decided to stay back, he would have not finished his degree on time to start work. so we both helped each other took turns to look after our father ( who lasted in this state for quite some time) , now alhamdulillah we not only managed to look after our father to thebest of our ability but also carry on with our lives as professional. due to fathers illness we did need money after his death and carrying on with our profession helped indeed. so you never know when your work will be helpful. also staying in work kept me normal as well, few hrs of change of enviroment increased my potential at home as well. gave us few laughter amongst this gloom picture of seeing a loved one slowly slip away.
i know a colleague whos kid has downs syndrom( the wife has given up work for time being a the kid is very young but she is planning to go back to work as soon as the kid goes to special school) . the dad chose to work as he earns more.when i asked the mom why do you want to work , she said ' not for money' its for my own being,
when we are tested with such trials by Allah, the best is to keep going and keep life as normal as possible.
As Salamu Alaikum,
friend, thanks for sharing your story. May Allah bless you and your brother for taking care of your dad.
I agree with you, just because someone has a loved one with special needs it does not mean that the person has to give up on their studies and/or work.
Reader
I can't believe you guys !! How can you encourage work when Allah himself commanded women to remain at home. Our prophet ordered woman to stay at home all the time. Unless ofcourse if she is required to work to feed herself as she got no one or her parents etc or she has a valid reason to leave the home etc but if they are in no financial burdens then they are forbidden to leave the home.
" And stay in your homes and do not display yourself like that of ignorant times " (33:33)
sister Rl jel doesn't seems to be really interested in working as she herself told that her heart is nagging her to stay at home and takecare of her child. She wants to work, maybe because of the stereotype that after completion of studies everyone has to get a job, as she fears that she maybe judged about it as she herself told.
She have to complete her education no doubt as it can make her future somewhat safe. But after that she has to be at home. Her child is ill, her husband is a business manager and so he is busy. Should she get a nanny, then the upbringing of the child is disaster and parents are being selfish in this regard. By her working, it regarded as sin because after marriage her main job is to take care of her home, kids and her husband should take care of the rest and them.
Family is a priority NOT job lol. Whoever thinks job is a priority over family is being selfish and absurd.
@ Sister friend, your reason to leave your home is valid. As your dad is ill and you and your bro has to help the family. Your bro can't do it alone as he is still studying. You have to work in this situation.
Good for you masha'Allah.
As Salamu Alaikum,
Brother, really, working is a sin? How is that? How come work is a sin in one case and not a sin in another case? I always heard that working as being ibada, worship and even jihad. It is nice to keep in mind that not every woman has the luxury to stay at home.
Anyway, working or staying home is a personal choice. As I said in my first post, it is up to the sister to make her decision based on what she thinks is right for her and her family.
Telling that a woman who works is sinning is not appropriate. Many good muslim brothers allow their wives to work. Are they also sinning? I do not think so. When a woman goes to work she is fulfilling her duties as a good productive citizen. I am 100% that a HALAAL work is not a sin, what is a sin is stereotyping.
After all, Allah is the Judge. He knows everyone's intentions.
May Allah forgive our sins. Have a peaceful day.
Reader
I think this sister should spent more time with her child. This kind of moment parents always remember when children grow up. She can finish her studies later on when her child grow a bit like start going to school. Until they start going to school you really do enjoy that time and see your child growing. It's amaging thing.
Though I am not sure about that working is sin or not. But I know that spending time with your child more and see they growing can't compare with anything in mother life. To a mother whole world is in one side and her child is in one side.
Salaam sister.
Ultimately you are his mother and you know the best thing to do deep in your heart so follow it. Don't ignore your heart. The truth is society may view you how they like, but your son is the priority here. So that is my advice - listen to your instincts and your heart - because 90% of the time they are usually right dear sister. Being a 'stay at home' mother may not be viewed positively by society but it is a job in itself. Also remember the status of a mother in Islam and do not worry about society now.
If you can finish your studies though that would be good, especially if you are nearing towards the end because going back to them to finish is difficult and once you have your qualification, it is yours InshaAllah. Islamically it is perfectly permissible for a woman to work as long as it doesn't impact on her ability to be a mother, because raising children is a priority. And the best one to understand your situation is yourself.
In the future, depending on your sons progress, you may want to consider part time-work. My teacher has done that - she had a very clingy child and she works one day a week. She says it works well for her because she gets her 'adult' time. It gives her a break for a while - and lets her parents take care of her child - so its good for keeping ties. (Shes a fantastic teacher MashaAllah.)
So there may be other options for you in future InshaAllah and education is not wasted because the skills we learn stay with us and help us develop as individuals.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Also the childhood years are really important for building a bond with your child - so it's important they dont feel neglected and can come to you. Basically these years shape their adolescence.
I dont know the nature of your childs special needs but are there any support groups for parents like yourselves? It may be worth looking into it.
@ Reader
Wa'alykumsalam !!
I'm not sure if you over read this or what but I'll post it again-
" And stay in your homes and do not display yourself like that of ignorant times " (33:33)
If disobeying Allah's word is not a sin then what is ?
Working is jihad when its done by man and incase of woman it should be done with a valid reason and not being selfish by earning money and ignoring family at home and it'll be a bigger sin if a member is ill and is not being cared upon.
Do you know that abortion is a sin ? But its NOT a sin when mother's health is in critical danger, when her life is on the edge. This is one example of that sort of sin.
Our messenger told woman to stay home and one of the reason is that, they cause temptation. Its not their fault but this is how men are created and that is why we are commanded to lower our gaze.
Our prophet told that " when a woman leaves her home, the shaytan raises his hopes to cause evil desires "
The Messenger (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) warned men against the fitnah (temptation) of women, and he indicated that the matter is so serious that their fitnah is the worst of fitnahs and the most harmful thing.
It was narrated from Usaamah ibn Zayd (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “I am not leaving behind me any fitnah more harmful to men than women.”
Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 4808; Muslim 2740
It was narrated from ‘Uqbah ibn ‘Aamir that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Beware of entering upon women.” A man from among the Ansaar said, “O Messenger of Allaah, what about the in-law?’ He said, “The in-law is death.”
Al-Bukhaari, 4934; Muslim, 2172
Ibn Hajar said, commenting on the first hadeeth:
This hadeeth indicates that the fitnah caused by women is greater than any other fitnah. This is supported by the verse in which Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Beautified for men is the love of things they covet; women…”
[Aal ‘Imraan 3:14]
Allaah described them as being among the things that men covet, and He mentioned them first, before the other things, to indicate that they are the cause of the fitnah. We can see that a man is more inclined to love the children of a woman to whom he is still married than the children of a woman whom he has divorced.
Fath al-Baari, 9/138
Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
Undoubtedly allowing women to mix freely with men is the basis of all evils. This is one of the greatest causes of punishment coming down upon everyone and of public and private affairs becoming corrupt. Free mixing of men and women is the cause of much immorality and adultery, and it is the cause of general doom and diseases.
Remember that shaytan wants to destroy married people life. That is one of his biggest aim. Women working for no reason is the starter of his evil plan I believe. Do you know that, there are many cases where woman has affair in their work place, which leads to destroyed marriage life ?. Do you know that, if parents are chasing their dreams and careers by leaving their kids home, their future is doomed ? Women position is islam is very high, and that is why Islam protects women by commanding them to stay inddor away from evil eyes. It is not like the western civilization which has female liberation. Do you also know that among the followers of Dajjal, most of them will be women ? The only reason is the woman's liberation which is a movement started by the west.
Let me repeat, I'm not saying that women should never work but they can incase of severe needs. For the case of the OP, she should not as she has important reason to stay at home.
And Allaah knows best.
The Iblis has his throne set up on the surface of the ocean very far away. Every evening his servents and associates come to him one by one saying,"Oh Ibliss I did such and such and I made so and so do this " Then Iblis says "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING!" Then a second, and third comes, with the same response. Then when the fourth comes, he says "Oh Iblis, I made a husband and wife get into an arguement," Then Iblis says " Come close my dear slave of mine, come closer to me, indeed you have done the best of deeds."
As Salamu Alaikum,
So brother Ali, a woman can only work in case of need, out of necessity. How about when the woman who is working has NO necessity whatsoever BUT by her work is a necessity for society in general and women in particular.
Let me explain what I mean. For instance, a female patient would rather consult a female nurse or a female physician. In such cases, according to Brother Ali's post these female nurses and female physicians are apt to no good, they are just sinning if they have no personal need to work.
Brother Ali, I am not sure that women who work outside their homes out of necessity or not do not go to their jobs thinking "let me do some sin today". We do not need to blame women for every ill that befalls on society. Inama al aamalu bi aniyat. It is all in our intentions.
I am a nurse myself, I thank ALLAH for being a nurse. My job made me a more humble person. Each day I go to my work, I strive to help my patients and the things that I see teach me lessons about life, death, faith, hope, compassion, struggle... My job is a blessing in itself as it opened my eyes on the many blessings that ALLAH gave everyone of us.
I know, this subject of working Muslim women is a sensitive one and the debate can go on an on. Here is my final view in this post about women's work. The sister who asked the question has a free will. She can decide for herself and choose what is best for her.
May Allah forgive us. Have a peaceful day.
Reader
Sorry, I meant to say: I am sure women who work outside their homes, out of necessity or not, do not go to their jobs thinking "let me do some sin today".
Dear Reader,
mashallah, you are replying and advising so well. you are placing my thoughts in words.i agree with you.
may Allah bless you.
unfortunately in muslim ummah instead of encouraging women to stay in the main stream,to be an example for others . as soon as the topic of whether women should work or not people keep extreme views, that family and children and husband etc are first priority, ofcourse no one is denying it but they completely forget that the role of dads, husbands, brothers, sons at this time is to help them achieve their goals, not because they will earn but because they will achieve their goals, this is real support!!!! not just bringing money home.
iam surprised that this women has clearly said that her husband is taking time off work to support the kid at home , mashallah !!!!!!! what else a woman can ask in terms of support., still people are advising to be at home ( wether it be completing studies or work) .
its sad to see that even if husbands are supportive , we still generally look at women who choose to work as if they are neglecting family. we need to change our views dear brothers and sisters. unfortunately i see this opnion coming more from women who are either a stay at home moms or always wanted to be house wives. thats fine if thats what they want but please dont expect everyone to be the same.
i also find that as soon as the word 'work' or 'job' or 'profession' is mentioned people say 'woman should stay at home' but if you are doing say some charity work peole views will be mashallah, continue inshallah Allah will make it easy and give you reward etc. evry contribution to the society without breaking the family unit should be encouraged and supported, let it be a child with special needs or any other child at home.
may Allah guide us all.
its a different story if it was putting strain on family relationships.
Wa'alykumsalam sister !!
I think there is a misunderstanding with what I've said or I guess, I didnt explain myself well.
This is what I've said previously,
By valid reason, I meant, feeding herself, feeding her child/s after widowed or divorced, helping her aged parents, helping the society who needs female doctors or nurses, or aleema etc these are the valid Islamic reason. But strict sharee'ah laws have to be observed while working. But working for selfish reasons or just to socialise or working without following sharee'ah laws or working non islamic jobs etc etc are all haram. Working without any need is also a sin, as it is better to stay at home.
It is indeed a controversial topic to debate, so its our choice with what we do with our life.
But since we are disscussing about the Sister Rl jel ( The OP ), Her only option is to stay at home after the completion of her education.
As you said-
The OP doesn't seem to have any necessity to work in general. and even though her work maybe a necessity for society, it is Her home, her ill child etc needs her more than the society does. And because of this, I advice her to remain at home after her education which is actually quite important. She should be a responsible mother., then only her marriage and family life would insha'Allah succeed.
Salam again sister,
Twenty three years ago I was living in London whilst my husband pursued his doctorate degree. We had three little ones at that time and I stayed at home. A Saudi family had just come to London and needed to find a place to live. My husband told me about a family who had just arrived to the city, needed a flat and had three small children, one of which was severely disabled. I told my husband, "bring the children to me and I will watch them so the parents can find a place to live". They did. Mohammed was five years old and suffered from Cerebral Palsy. He cannot do anything at all. He cannot sit, talk...nothing. I looked after him and his little sisters for a few hours till the parents returned from finding a place to live. Needless to say, Mohammed's mother and I are friends to this day.
Umm Mohammed at that time had her two daughters and Mohammed. She and her husband were both pursuing masters degrees in their respective fields of study. Together Umm Mohammed and her husband worked as a team so that they each could study, care for their family and no...they did not have a maid. I was and am till this day truly amazed at how this very tiny, soft spoken woman could do what she did. She ran her household beautifully, was and is one of the best cooks I have ever known, raised her children pious Muslims and ended up working towards her doctorate degree in Linguistics.
Although this couple have a severely disabled child, they worked together as a husband and wife should and made their dreams of having a good education a reality. Their son was never neglected nor put in the care of anyone outside of their family. Till this day, I find Umm Mohammed an inspiration and am in awe of her accomplishments. She is truly a dedicated and strong woman who knew what she wanted and went after it. She is married to a most wonderful and caring man who never, ever complained and is the true epitome of what a good Muslim husband should strive to be.
Work together in harmony with your husband and together, the two of you can succeed in reaching your goals. The best of luck to both of you and may Allah bless you and make the path towards providing for your child an easy one.
Salam
sister najah,
mashallah, what an inspiring story, i salute to such women who are strong and back bone of home and society.
iam so inspired by you as well for supporting her. may Allah reward you for this.
i pray that all our muslim brothers and sisters come out of this pattern of thinking that pursuing a career is some what non islamic and stop taking it to extreme examples like mom seeing kid only for 2 hrs in a week etc.
women who want to further their studies , follow a career are taking up that chalenge they should be supported.
we all have sen that homes where mom are working females know i lot more about seciety in general and in this day and age can guide their kids better. kids also take their parents seriously when they know that they are not just oblivious people . they know what they are talking about. a prime example is when a imaam mosque just gives a rant about what good and whats bad its irrelevant to the younger generation but if he is more upto date with whats going on in the enviroment and makes the talk relavant , people actually do listen, like imaam suhaib webb. same goes for home environment as well.
several people have said here that women can work if the need arise , now how on earth is she going to find a reasonable job , if she hasnt studied a degree or has any job experience ? in situations like for instance if husband dies or abandons her or is sick etc. ofcourse this does not mean that all women should leave home and go out for work just in case some need arise later on in life, but atleast those who want to should be encpuraged, supported.
may allah enlighten minds of our ummah. ameen.
Salam Friend,
Thank you for your kind words. Ramadan Kareem to you and your family!
Salam