Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Working Wife or Non Working Wife?

 

multi tasking woman

Aswak,

I am male of 3o years age. By the grace of Allah I am getting many proposals for the marriage. Some of the girl proposals I received, the girls are well educated and have professional degree and are working and some are not working and willing to be house wife. Now my confusion is which one should I prefer ?

I feel that if I marry a girl who is also earning then we can be financially secured but my parents don't support me on this. When I asked why they are not supporting me, they tell me that when girls are earning and are independent they tend to have more ego problems. That's is the reason you find lot of divorce cases in the society.

They want me to marry a girl who will be house wife and take care of the family. I feel sometimes that they are right but when I see my friends whom wives are working and are financially secured and leading a good life I get confused on my idea of marrying a house wife.

Please help me to decide what should be my preference.

Allah Hafiz.

MSK.


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16 Responses »

  1. Salaam brother,

    Personally, I feel that when considering marriage, it's important to look at a person's character, faith and values. What are their hopes and expectations for the future, what are their views on marriage and family? I'd say that it's more important to find someone with whom you are compatible, than to worry about whether they have a job.

    That said, if both husband and wife are working, there needs to be discussion about how two careers can work together to build a happy stable home - what if one party is required to move to a different city or area for work? how will business trips and courses be planned into the family calendar? how will childcare arrangements work? It can be a bit more difficult to organise these things, but is entirely possible, and not an insurmountable obstacle if two people are committed to building a stable family together.

    A wife is more than a second earner or a homemaker, just as a husband is more than just an income and a potential father, so when considering marriage we need to look at more than that - consider their faith, integrity, character, goals and hopes... InshaAllah you will then find someone with whom you can grow in both this life and the next.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  2. Salaam Alaikum, Brother...

    The editor says more than I can ever say as he has more knowledge on this matter. Character far outweighs any material benefits.

    Also, you may want to read the Qur'an re: marital issues and money.


    http://www.muhajabah.com/marriagedynamics.htm

    Here is a portion from this site re: husbands and wives and financial issues:

    "The reason that men have been given authority over their wives is that they are completely financially responsible for their wives. Even if a woman is wealthy, she is not required to spend any of her money to support the family; the obligation falls completely on her husband. Her own money is hers to use as she chooses and her husband can't take it without her permission (Surah an-Nisa verse 4).

    Most scholars are agreed that if a husband is not supporting his family, he does not have any authority over them. If he does not fulfill his responsibility, then he does not get the rights. A wife is permitted to take from her husband's money, even without seeking his permission, if he is not providing enough for her. She may also refrain from sex indefinitely, or seek the termination of the marriage without penalty."

    The dynamics can get odd when a woman is supporting a man. If a woman is paying half or most of the bills, she is more likely to feel as if she is the head of the household since she is paying the costs to be the boss. This can be difficult when raising children or delegating household chores. A traditional wife is what a lot of men want at the end of the day.

    Insha'allah, you find the answers you are seeking.

  3. salaam

    well my advice would be to look at from an islamic point of view after all she will be the one bringing forth the ummah

  4. Assalam'alaykum,

    Well I believe that, a woman best place is her home. She should not go out unless neccessary. She isn't required to work, unless financial crisis. A simple life is better. When both the husband and wife works, then the home is generally not stable.
    -If both works full time and when kids come in the picture then in most cases their upbringing can be a mess.
    -Women working in jobs mixing with non mahram men can cause evil temptations and trials. Expecially if her home is not stable, she becomes vulnerable.
    -Women working in non muslim environment can cause greatest of problems .
    -She has to observe the Islamic clothing like totally like no perfumes etc, which is difficult in some jobs.
    -She should takecare of her family needs.
    -She may become more independent.
    At the end of the day she might be really tired. There are certainly many problems with women working than a house wife. No one can deny this. Yes, the rate of divorce is high with working women compared to a traditional housewife whose only job is to takecare of her family and household. Nope, I'm not saying she is a housemaid or babysitter as her husband has to help her just like how our prophet washed his own clothes for example. Both the husband and wife can go out to visit family and relatives, some random outings and its difficult to find time if both are full time workers and that to if talking about careers. Its nice when the husband returns home from a hard day at office and see his beautifull wife first thing and have hot food ready at the table etc. Nice to see that, your wife is teaching your kids Islamic stuffs etc and not some babysitter. There is a more happy and stable home with a full time housewife/mom than a full or part time worker. Allah said: "And stay in your houses and do not display yourselves like that of the former times of ignorance". ( Quran 33:33) Even concerning going to mosque, our prophet said: "Their houses are better for them." ( Abu Dawood )

    I cannot agree more with Shaykh al 'Uthaymeen.

    Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen said: "The field in which a woman works should be only for women, such as if she works in teaching girls, whether in administration or technical support, or she works at home as a seamstress sewing clothes for women and so on. As for working in fields that are for men, this is not permissible for her because it requires her to mix with men, which is a great fitnah (source of temptation and trouble) and should be avoided. It should be noted that it is proven that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “I have not left behind me any fitnah that is more harmful to men than women; the fitnah of the Children of Israel had to do with women.” So the man should keep his family away from places of fitnah and its causes in all circumstances. End quote.
    Fataawa al-Mar’ah al-Muslimah (2/981)

    Basically, a woman is married for four things: her wealth, her noble ancestry, her beauty and her religion. So marry the religious woman; (otherwise) you will be a loser.” [Al-Bukhaari]

    “Do not marry women for their good looks, as their beauty might destroy them; and do not marry them for their wealth as their riches might lead them to be overbearing. Marry them for their religion;.." [Ibn Maajah]

    Our Prophet said: “Would you like me to tell you about the best treasure a man could have? [She is] a righteous woman, who pleases him when he looks at her, preserves his honor when he is away from her and acts in accordance with what he asks of her.” In another Hadeeth on the authority of Abu Umaamah the Prophet, , said: “The best that benefits a believer, after [possessing] the fear of Allaah The Almighty, is a pious wife who minds what he bids her, pleases him when he looks at her, helps him fulfill his oath and protects her chastity and his property in his absence.” [Ibn Maajah]

    With the above being said, you have to choose a woman based on her character and religion first and foremost. Personally, I would prefer a wife who wishes to be a housewife and a full time mum. It certainly has many benefits and rewards. After all, you are the one to decide and I'll support your parents in their views. As the editor above said, you have to ask about her hopes and expectations. Whatever it is, decide wisely and pray salat al istikhara so Allah may guide you.

  5. Assalaamu- alaikum,

    You have already been given some very comprehensive advice. I agree with your parents opinion and the various points raised in the preceding comments.

    After the reviewing the fundamental aspects as mentioned above it would be ideal to have a wife who has some level of education, so that you may at least be compatible on mental level and as she is going to be the mother of your children, you want her to be able to rightly guide your offspring with sound intellect and reason. Furthermore, once the kids are grown she will need to find something useful to occupy her time with.

    Most ordinary people would love to benefit from an abundance of wealth but do not pursue wealth at the expense of the family and beyond what is needed. He is richest who is content with the least. Some people may outwardly appear to be having good lives if both are workers but at what cost? The definition of good is variable, depending on one's outlook in life.

    Many working women are unable to devote enough time to their husbands,children and the home. The poisonous ideologies of the kuffar namely feminism have shattered family life and this has led to the breakdown of society and humanity. It all stems back to how children are brought up, as aside from the basics that any living creature needs, kids need emotional support, guidance and quality time that can only truly be achieved when a mother can fully give that time and effort. A working wife and mother makes sacrifices that can be detrimental to the family.

  6. I should probably add that I'm a woman and work full-time (in fact, probably more than full-time). Through work, I've been fortunate enough to travel, help people and have amazing experiences. Different people are suited for different jobs and lifestyles, and what one person finds liberating another may find stifling. Personally, I find my work rewarding in its own right, and feel very grateful that I am able to use my knowledge and skills to help others; finances aren't a motivator for me in my decision to work. Other people might look at the hours I work and the travelling and responsibilities involved and think that it would put constraints on their life that they would not want.

    A woman who works may be just as pious as one who does not, and I would be hesitant to write off a significant proportion of potential marriage partners based solely on whether they work or not. A strong and integrated family can still be achieved if both husband and wife work.

    Midnight moon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • @midnightmoon, are you currently married and are you with kids?? If so, then how do you manage taking care of your home, your family, your children, and more importantly your husband, with all this work engagements and travellings of yours??? Because i feel it would be difficult for a man to adjust himself to a 'more than full time work' and much travellings that his wife may engage herself in..

      • I am not married, nor do I have children, but I do have care responsibilities, the rest of my family, charity work and educational commitments - it's a busy life, but one which is personally very fulfilling. I have friends and colleagues who work the same and similar work patterns and who do have a husband and children, and with some extra organisation it is possible to meet obligations and enjoy family time.

        I'm not saying that it is better or worse to work, but that different things work for different people, and at different times in their lives. If two people are compatible then they can work together to establish a balance that works for their family.

        Midnightmoon
        IslamicAnswers.com editor

  7. Salaam.
    It depends on your needs brother and Islamically it is up to you. What I would say is it is wrong to go in with misconceptions. So don't marry a woman who works because "you want an easy life" because marrying a working woman may not necessarily give you wealth. And don't marry a woman who doesn't work because "women who do work have ego-problems."

    People are individuals. Appreciate them as that. Everyone is different and every situation is different too. Going into marriage with these ideas can be bad. There are plenty of ideas like this out there.
    Let me give you two real examples I know of I will change names & details of countries etc to protect confidentiality.

    1. I know of a sister who lives in the West. Lets call her Aya. She has two older sisters both of whom are married. One of the sisters had an arranged married to a traditional Pakistani and relocated to live with her husband. Aya's other sister married a man of her choosing and opted to be a super-housewife, cook and loves to serve her hubby.

    Aya got married to a traditional man Khalid from Pakistan a few years back. He was looking for a wife who was loyal, loving, good cook, obedient and respectful. His family wanted him for Aya as both of her sisters were known to be loyal, traditional and good wives. So the belief was that Aya would be the same. But actually she was not. She was not interested in housewife duties, difficult to get on with and sometimes argumentative. Combine that with Khalid's volatile temper and you have a rocky marriage. He had it drilled into him that the sisters behaviour with their husband will tell you about the girl - not necessarily!

    2. A man from the west sometimes decides to seek a bride from 'back home' because they are obedient, submissive, good wives without ego-problems. They don't argue back, they listen and they are fantastic cooks! Saba is a girl from Pakistan who was also born and raised there. She has received many proposals from brothers in the West seeking such a wife, but actually she is not your 'typical' pakistani wife. Saba is loud, independent, very strong willed, slightly intimidating girl. She will argue back with you, she is jokey and energetic - she is an OK cook but is what you would call a 'career woman.'

    3- A sister Hana from the UK is a career woman who has worked hard to get a degree. She is independent, and career driven and opinionated. She married two years ago and while she still does work and still has that drive her priorities have shifted. She is no longer chasing her career, nor is she tied to her husband. But it's opened her mind a lot. She has softened quite a lot - its surprising actually just how much.

    It's in a woman's nature to want to serve her hubby to an extend if she loves him and feels loved. In general. So dont fall for these pre conceptions:

    You need to ask yourself these questions seriously:

    What are you offering to a spouse? Honestly. What can you bring to the marriage? What do you expect from marriage?
    What do you want from your spouse? The key is you. Ultimately it doesnt matter so much what others say you should have. It matters what you are seeking because you are going to be the one living with her day in and day out through the good and bad.

    If you would consider a wife that works then are there any particular types of jobs you would not want your spouse to have. E.g. if you work 9-5 and your wife works 5-10 then you have a problem!!

    Get to know yourself, your expectations and consider logistics and then make a decision. Dont forget istikhaarah. Please read above links on istikhaarah Qs and As.
    Also there are useful marriage courses out there such as barefoot institute courses which may be useful.
    Also check out practimate courses: http://www.practimate.com/products-sff/finding-your-other-half

    • This is really an excellent answer. Everyone's situation is going to be different.

      In my first marriage, I was the major breadwinner. Husband chose not to work. Very long story. But, I was not happy after I realised I was just viewed as someone to pay the bills while he spent and expected me to be obedient to him. I worked a lot of hours in my field and never felt I had a sanctuary at home.

      I was glad when he wanted divorce. I did remarry to a very pious man. It felt odd at first to give up my job when my husband said I did not have to work. I was used to working since I was 17 years old. In America, women are told they are stupid or users if they do not work. I was able to be a good wife to my husband and serve him. He passed away 3 years ago and I am glad I had this time with him.

      May Allah reward all of you for trying to help this Brother.

    • Dear sister Layla,

      I could not have said it better.

      I have been working since I was 17 out of necessity.

      I believe fully in Islam and that the answer to each society is solvable if we follow it. Key word, IF. Some women do not have a Mahram to take care of her and for this reason, I would make my daughters to be educated if they ever needed to work if in case they became widowed or their husband was handicap. I have seen such examples in front of us.

      I realize that in the ideal situation, women are to stay in the home, but we have to understand this is not possible. Also, when we take our daughters, sisters, and mothers to the doctor, do we not want a female doctor? How is that supposed to happen if we do not want our females to be educated and have a career in such a field?

      And as for housework, my understanding is that even Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) kept busy with housework and did his own chores. I have read that he swept the house, mended his own shoes, he would serve his family while he was at home and when it was time for prayer, he would pray. (Bukhari, Book 8, Volume 73, Hadith 65) The list goes on. From this, I gather that not all house work is to be for the woman. I'm not sure the term housewife was even coined at the time. I think that when we get married, our cultures come with us and we think, if I marry a woman who is not a career woman, she should serve me while a sit and watch--I think we should be careful about this and perhaps read deeply about the Prophet (pbuh) and his life with his wives. SubhanAllah. I'm not sure I know of a lot of men in my family or even extended family that would dare to pick up the broom or mend their shirt!

      I know someone mentioned that career-women can be independent. I do not think that is a bad thing. After all, it isn't bad for a mother to know the realities of the world so that she may share with her children and guide them accordingly. Knowing little about how a dollar is earned isn't always the best thing either--balance is always key. If you think you will not be happy with a simple housewife-you may look for someone with a career but make it clear that once children are involved, she may have to adjust her hours or take a pause in her career until they go to school. Lots of options are available--but at the end of the day, you have no right over earnings.

      Wish you the best in your search, inshaAllah.

  8. What about part time work part time house wife

  9. Salaams

    I see my guardianship regarding my wife as a duty to protect her and make her happy. My wife works, as a matter of fact she is my boss, the head of the department where I work. Is this difficult? No! My wife is an excellent manager and I'm glad to be working for her. It has never been an issue between us. At home, we share the chores. My wife is a great cook and loves to cook so she does that and I do the washing up and the laundry. We share everything concerning our children. And as we both work, we can afford help with the cleaning which gives us ample quality time with the kids and as a couple.
    We are partners. We make decisions together. Who wins? The one with the best arguments, or sometimes the one who cares the most about the issue under debate. I would never want to make my wife submit to my will, simply because I'm a man. The idea is ridiculous. If my wife wants to do something, I will support her if I can. And the same goes for her. And she would never ask for something that would hurt me, because she loves me. And the same goes for me. Before I bring something up I ask myself "Will it make her happy"? And the same goes for her. So, we build our marriage, our family and our lives together. If she one day decided that she doesn't want to work any more, I know that she would not ask me to assume all the burden of providing if she doesn't have good reasons and believes it's best for me and the family too. And she knows that I know this to be the case and hence she knows that I would support her. And I know that she would do the same for me.
    My role as a husband, my guardianship, is a duty to make my wife feel she is the luckiest woman in the world to have married me.
    So my advice to you is to stop worrying about what kind of wife you want, and instead focus on what kind of husband you want to be, and how, like the Prophet, you can make your wife feel she is the luckiest woman in the world to have married you!

    • Masha Allah brother! You have such a beautiful marriage!

      Its really hard to find people such as you and your wife who work in partnership in a marriage and make joint decisions and are more concerned about fullfilling their duties towards their spouce and their wife's feelings instead of just thinking about pleasing themselfs and their ego's!

      For a happy marriage love, respect and compromises have to come from both sides.

      May Allah bless your marriage.

  10. Dear brother , There is nothing called Role model here .You need to decide what you want and go ahead .Don't look for friends examples as things looks greener from outside .Marriage itself is complex topic and if you are not comfortable about working wife then don't go for it ..I have many muslim friends who work some follows islamic life and some follows non Islamic life..There are husbands who don't mind wives staying with their colleagues overnight or getting dropped by them in the night ..so it all depends on your background and brought up ..Please note that there are almost no places where all islamic conditions are satisfied for a women to work ..Good luck

  11. Looking at the statistics, a marriage with a working women is more likely to fail as compared to a total house wife. Its easy to spot certain personality traits early on that can indicate the rough terrain ahead. Marry someone who understands responsibilities of a wife and husband as Allah and his prophet saw has ordained in Quran. If both of you vow only to please Allah and have in the past lived a life reflecting that spirit then chances are high your marriage shall succeed. I highly recommend going through a psychological compatibility test before getting married. It is also important that both of you like each other physically as well as the personality.

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