Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I be worried about my son?

lonely man in the rain

I don't really know how to ask this but I'll try my best, please pardon my English as it is not my first language.

My son, who is 24 years old, has completed his studies. I want to start looking for a girl for him, but here is the problem: he says he has no use for marriage. He also raises the point that marriage is just a sunat and not a must.  Ever since he was 15 he always told me he is asexual and has no use for marriage or a girl in his life, and he would by no means be able to give her what very religious men would. Other than that, he is a complete loner. He stays in his room for the most part and only during dinner time does he talk to me and his dad- just like 'how was your day' and that kind of thing.

I also think it's worth mentioning that once I went through his phone to check his texts, and I found that some girl texted him that she loved him and wanted to see him alone at night in her hotel room. His reply was something along the lines of that she is just his friend, and if she ever speaks of something so nasty as to meet her alone or if shes says lovey type of stuff he will block her and not talk to her again. He told her that he is asexual and has no interest in marriage, girlfriends or adultery.

Also I noticed that when he was younger,  me, my husband and him used to go in our car. When girls used to pass by properly clothed or in very short clothes, he would always lower his gaze or look away and there would be disgust on his face for whatever reason. I just noticed this, but I never approached to talk to him about it. Now that he is 24 I want him to get married, and he has said that if I ever ask him that or force him to get married he will move out. I dont want him to move out, I can't imagine life without him as mother, but at the same time how can he live the rest of his life alone? He has pulled it off for pretty much his whole teenage years, but can he go on like this? To this day he still wants and says the same stuff.

I would like to add that he is very religious, but he does not keep a beard or anything and dresses in the western culture as we are in a western society.  He prays 5 times a day, fasts, reads quaran and goes to the mosque almost 5 times everyday. He doesn't have many friends- just a few who are like him, too.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

-amy50


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21 Responses »

  1. OP: Ever since he was 15 he always told me he is asexual and has no use for marriage or a girl in his life, and he would by no means be able to give her what very religious men would. Other than that, he is a complete loner..... He told her that he is asexual and has no interest in marriage, girlfriends or adultery.

    What does asexual means? He has no desire for sex with a girl or he does not get any erections? Did he ever go to a doctor to see if there is a medical reason for him to feeling asexual? Did he start feeling asexual at the age of 15? Did he ever feel sexual? When did he became a loner, at what age? Staying inside the room indicates a psychological problem

    Your son is interested in girls that is why girls communicate with him. Did you observe him talking to girls on the Internet?

    If you marry your son to a woman, please let her know that your son says "I am asexual".

    If his condition is because of some medical reason, it may be cured.

  2. Salaams,

    Personally, I don't see why such a person must get married. They are happy and satisfied without it, and have no desire for any type of sexual relations at all. They are not at risk for committing sexual sin because of their lack of desire, so why must they marry? Sure, they miss out on blessing of companionship, but that's their choice. Maybe your son will eventually meet an asexual female he likes as a friend, and they decide to marry for financial reasons but never have a sexual relationship.

    To me, there is nothing haraam about having no desire. Having wrong desires is a risk, but having no desire is just a difference between these individuals and others. They are not sinning by feeling this way or living their lives without marriage. It may be difficult for someone who has normal sexual desire to understand, but trust me- your son is not unhappy and the idea of 'living life alone' doesn't bother him.

    I think what you're going to have to do is educate yourself on asexuality and work on accepting him as he is. You're not going to change him to be like you or his father or most other people, any more than you are going to become asexual one day. As parents, the best happiness we can ask for is if our children are happy, and it seems your son is happy to be who he is and manage his life as he likes. Be happy, because most parents have to worry about their children having too strong desires and sinning from them. You have been spared this, masha'Allah.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Assalaamualaikam

    Some people can be considered asexual, due to simply not having sexual desires - for these people, the idea of sexual feelings can seem as weird and uncomfortable as the idea of not having them might seem to a person who experiences them. Some people may have an absence of sexual desires due to another issue; for example, a person with an autistic spectrum disorder may find the idea of that level of intimacy too unpleasant for it to be desirable for them, or a person with severe OCD may feel so distressed by the idea of the messiness of sexual contact that they feel more comfortable avoiding the situation altogether.

    If your son feels distressed about his lifestyle, or his way of thinking, then it might help him to speak with a doctor or counsellor about it. But if he is happy in himself, then say Alhamdulillah that your son is healthy, practising Islam and secure in himself.

    Don't make marriage a huge issue - if he doesn't want to get married, it isn't compulsory. It can be hard when we want the best for those we love and they seem to not want that, but it's important to remember that what we think is best may not actually be the best for them. Let him make his own choices about companionship and lifestyle, so long as they do not go against Islamic values - if they do, then tell him and advise him on this.

    Asexuality can have it's own challenges - it can be very hard to live in a world that can be so overtly geared towards something that you do not understand or want. So it's really important that your son can feel supported and accepted for who he is, by the people close to him.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

  4. svs , i dont beleive that when a person is asexual they get eractions n why does it matter anyway he isnot unhealty by any means hes just been very different i remember when he was eleven years old he didnt go to a bday party while all his friends did just so he wouldnt miss prayer. im not sure what age he felt asxual but most likely teen years, he isnt a loner loner if u know what i mean he just spends most time alone inhis room doing schoolwork or sleeping n eating . and no justbecause girls talk to hm doesnt mean he might be interested if a girl talks to him about schoolwork does that make him interested in her? and he doesnt hav cell phone or text or have a laptop we hav one computer in the living room which is what he uses for his work/studying other then that ty to all the people who replied i can now b at peace with myself and him

    • Sister your English is very good:)

      To me , your son sounds like an amazing person! One can only hope to attain his level of piety . He's different for sure but it's a blessing compared to the other extreme. I also believe that when Allah deprives us of something , it's either that it's for our own good, or that the timing isn't right! We can hope that maybe down the road he will some how change his mind. However, if he doesn't, please have peace that this is Allah's will. Maybe Allah is saving you and him from a corrupt wife. I just think there's always wisdom behind every trial and tribulation.

      I agree with others that how he feels may not be haram and that he might not change, but I think that you should also make dua.

  5. what is even your question, your giving statements and quotes

  6. thank you sister iman for your kind words , I will inshallah continue making dua for guidance , one thing bothers me which doesn't bother him is that one day me and his father will leave this world and he doesn't have any siblings so he will be completely alone in this world I know allah will be with him but still its hard to wrap my mind around this matter

  7. Assalam aleykoum,

    Asexual muslims aren't numerous, so if someone is kind of "romantic" it will be hard for him/her to find someone. You have to keep praying Allah and asking for His help. Maybe your son is interested in girls but since he's asexual it blocks everything (he knows that a "normal" wife will ask for what we all know) so he wants to remain alone.

    I don't think that seeing a physician is a good idea, that's something deeper psychologically if you see what I mean. From which country are you from (if you don't mind)? There's probably someone out there like him: someone who would understand him and be his lifetime friend, someone with whom he would feel at ease. May Allah make it easy for you all!

  8. Ruyat: I don’t think that seeing a physician is a good idea, that’s something deeper psychologically if you see what I mean. From which country are you from (if you don’t mind)? There’s probably someone out there like him:

    Nothing wrong with going to a physician and ruling out a medical cause like hormonal problems or other deficiency. Hormones other than Testosterone can be the root of the problem.

    • Well, I am asexual. I didn't say that it was wrong. Hormones other than T can indeed be the root of the problem but I think that (here) the cause is probably psychological, not hormonal. That's what came out of my previous researches:

      "physical causes:
      sexual problems, medications, alcohol and drugs, surgery, fatigue

      hormone changes:
      [...]

      psychological causes:
      mental health problems (anxiety or depression), stress (financial stress or work stress), poor body image, low self-esteem, history of physical or sexual abuse"

      Therefore a lot of factors have to be explored. I don't think that seeing a physician will make him change his mind: it's up to him anyway.

  9. Ruyat I was wondering if you could tell me why your asexual so I can understand asexuality better I have looked on various websites but I cant understand why my son is asexual it just isn't making any sense to me at all

  10. and I forgot to add we are in Canada he was born and raised here too

    • Assalam aleykoum,

      Well, I live in France. To answer you: as for me, I think that's it something psychological, something deeper. I feel kind of repulsed by it and don't get the point of doing such a thing (except in order to conceive a child but that wouldn't be easy). I would express my love in other ways (hugging, writing kind words, walking together in the park, stargazing etc.). For example, I think that cuddling is a better way to express one's love. It would almost be a pure and spiritual love. I thus reject the idea that love and s* are complementary, that one cannot be without the other. If some people can have s* without love, why couldn't we love without s*? Hoping that I helped you to understand better what some people like me feel [i.e romantic asexuals] (btw, not all asexuals feel this way [some can be aromantic and some aren't bothered at all], it's "proper" to each).

      Wa salam

  11. Gazakallah Ruyat , so does that mean asexual people aren't against marriage or do get married

  12. Well, it depends. Some asexual people are aromantic so they don't really have romantic feelings; Therefore they don't really want a marriage partner even if they long for a true friend.

    Some asexual people are romantic but they don't want to marry as well since they know that there is 99% of chances that the person they'll marry will be sexual so they prefer to remain alone; And they can't talk about it to anyone interested cause they know that they'll laught at them... What is the point of marrying a man/woman if he/she tells you "You don't fulfill your duties!" and people make you pass for a fool since you're not "normal". And you would be the only one responsible of the situation. That's hard to handle wallahi.

    Some asexual people are romantic too and they accept to have intercourse with sexual people, it doesn't repulse them (like above). But they may encounter some issues in their relationship. The sexual person may be not be satisfied so she might cheat on her/his partner (rabbi yesterna) or ask for divorce.

    Some asexuals are anti-sexual but that's another thing. As long as people don't bother me they can live "peacefully".

    • Assalam alaykom
      I'm asexual too and I'm looking for a Muslim wife who is asexual
      I live in Sydney Australia but I'm Lebanese.
      There's heaps of asexuals but it's so hard to find Muslim asexuals.
      May Allah make it easy for us all.

  13. asexuality exactly is where a person (s) have no desire for sex, a partner/companion, or romance. They arent attracted to any gender, race or ect. In a way to best describe it is to think of them as being permanently in neutral, when analysing it. Asexuals can appreciate that a person looks good, pretty or ect, but thats it, only a logical observation with no substance. So no they arent broken, or suffering from a medical condition they are fine. So please dont take my review as being, crass about your son. Your son is a devout worshiper, he fasts, and prays, with good faith, so be proud, also take comfort that your son has finished his education, and is now ready to move on to the next milestone of his life. Those are thing to be proud of, as you raised him into a fine young man. You love your son, and from what you have shared with us you two have a good loving bond. You want the best for him, you want him to marry and experience a family of his own, however as your son is asexual, pushing young women constantly at him will not help you here. The best i can tell you is that your son is not broken, he has a sound mind, and body, he has finished his education, and he is devout to your faith, so for all of these achievements, your son dosent need another person to take care of him, as hes taking care of himself very well so far. You love your son, so respect his choise, as he is happy with the way things are for himself, so making him unhappy in a marriage he dosent want, with someone who he will never have any interest in, will only hurt you both in the end. You want the best for him, and want him to be happy. Best of luck to you and yourfamily.

  14. Assalam alaikum. I am an asexual muslim girl. Practising. I am also aromantic and I completely understand where your son is coming from. I would like to have a word with him in case he is interested for a marriage of convenience.

  15. Assalam alaykom
    I do understand your situation but you must understand that your son is asexual and he was born this way so he can't change himself , the only solution you have is to look for a girl who is asexual like him and then I'm sure he will get married to her and most probably they will have kids thru ivf . There's heaps of websites for asexuals for marriage and meet ups maybe you should support your son and start browsing the internet to find him a girl who is asexual and everyone need to stop forcing him to get married.
    Asexuality is not a sickness so he need to feel accepted and loved by his family and friends .

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