Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Worried about work issues

Family or Work?

Salam aleikum,

I have not been married for too long, but before I got married me and my husband agreed that at the beginning I'll still have to contribute to the household as he is building up his career so once that kicks off we will be ok. We live in a foreign country and because of certain things I had to be the one that our financial loans and other responsibilities are under and he was supposed to help me pay it. Until today because he is still building up his career ive been paying the loans rent and other things. I am not writing to complain at all, as this was fine with me. Till one day I lost my job, at that time we struggled a lot, I got behind with pay things off etc. and was under a lot of stress. When i got a new job it was a job that i basically had to take because of the citizenship rights in the country but my working hours are crazy and i work 6 days a week, which was a big difficulty as I lost the entire work life balance.

My husband then felt really awful, and decided that he will give up what he was doing and get a job. When he was going through the interview process he was saying he is doing it as it is his responsibility and I shouldnt be in hardship cause of him, but on the other hand he was saying that me not stopping him from applying for normal jobs and pushing him to pursue his career is me not being supportive. I am struggling financially to cover everything and I have done all I can to ensure that he builds his career, but now I am at a point where I cant keep struggling month to month, but I feel guilty when he talks about giving up his career for a "normal" job and becoming someones employee. I feel awful when he says it, cause I feel like me not having a better job is the cause of it all, and I just keep feeling guilty.

could you advise me how should I approach it all? and how can I stop feeling guilty for making my husband give up his dreams for me. I sometimes actually feel like he told me he applied for jobs and had interviews and got refused just becaue this is what I want to hear, that he is trying but in the meantime he can till continue doing what he's doing. I keep feeling awful, but I also started feeling that he lies to me about the job situation, as he knows I cant just go and verify it so all I can do is pray for Allah to expose him if he really is lying to me.


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2 Responses »

  1. Wailekum assalam, well your husband should be working and stop with his ' dream career' why did both of you agree to get married if the man was not standing on his two feet? He should have found a job and do his best to support himself and you.

    Well, you did agree to support him while he studied. THE best thing is that your husband drops this career thing and find any job which will support yourselves.


  2. Wa 'alaikom alsalam wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakatuh.

    First of all, I think it's very unfair of him to have you take loans for both of you, while you're the one legally held responsible for them, the one who is in fact paying them off and the one who is making most of your living. You agreed to share financial responsibilities, not take them on alone. Also, in Islam he has a religious responsibility to provide for you, so you shouldn't feel bad that you don't make more than you do.

    Second of all, he is being very immature about the whole giving up on his career to help you with the living. You did not demand that he give up on his career aspirations nor did you ask him to. He offered to do so, and if he wasn't willing to that then maybe he shouldn't have offered to. Furthermore, I don't think he is justified in calling you unsupportive as it is very naive of him to make a decision and then resent you for not interfering with it.

    Third and last, what do you mean when you say he is working on his career? Is he working toward a particular degree? If so, then he can do so while working a "normal" job. Is it some sort of training that is time consuming and that he doesn't get paid for? And he also needs to be brought back down to earth. There is nothing wrong with being somebody's employee, actually most people who have jobs are not bosses, self-employed and do not own businesses. And those who do tend to do so because they are more qualified than others, I don't know how young you are, but he needs to realise that perhaps he may never become successful enough to not be an employee and that if he ever does it might take many years.

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