Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Worried for my marriage

broken trust, trust, broken marriage, lies

Salam, I was wondering if anyone could offer some advice and opinion on my problem.

My husband came across a message I sent to my best-friend (female) where I had expressed a reflective thought. I said in my text that 10 years ago if someone told me I would be married to someone different (from the guy I was seeing then) I would not have believed them. I continued saying that next year it would be 10 years since I first knew the previous guy and I am sad that in the end I had to hurt him. I said I never regretted my decision to end the relationship but I was sad that it ended the way it did (i was abrupt and harsh when I ended it). I concluded my message to my friend by saying he contacted me 2 days before I got married wishing me happiness. I told my friend I hope he has found happiness as well. I also said looking at my father everyday I know I made the right decision to leave the relationship as nobody is worth hurting my father for.

My husband interpreted the message as me still having strong feelings for my previous partner which I can say in Allah's name I have never kept such feelings since I am with my husband. My statement was merely reflective of how plans change. Unfortunately he said my actions made him feel betrayed, hurt, under appreciated and that I ruined the trust he had in me. My husband told me to take time to think about what I wanted to do with my life which I responded was to be with him indefinitely and do whatever it takes to prove myself to him.

He has been sleeping in separate rooms for 10 nights and there is little to no contact or communication between us. I send a message to him every morning at work to try to establish some form of communication without expecting any replies.

I am at a complete loss as to what to do at the moment. We have been married for 1 year and in that short span we generally have a wonderful marriage.

I really want to make the situation better but I do not know what to do.


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5 Responses »

  1. I think you should take a tough stand against this situation and confront him.
    you should ask him why he disrespects you by having this doubt in his mind and that he should be man enough to know that his wife is faithful to him.

    i am saying this probably because if i was faced with this situation and there really was nothing, and my wife confronted me this way, i would be a bit relaxed about it and would probably have let it go, given that my wife looked me in the eyes and explained it all to me.

    anyway i hope your situation improves insha Allah.
    May Allah guide us all.

  2. Salam,

    I think you two need to sit down and talk about this. Start with what makes him think that you have strong feelings for this guy and as to why you wouldn't marry him instead of marrying your current husband if that was the case. Also, if you had such strong feelings, why wouldn't you just tell the guy that you'd rather marry him when he called up wishing you well? The way you've phrased it I don't get that you have strong feelings for this guy.

    I get the feeling that you cared for him at one time and have come to the conclusion that you'd rather be with someone else. If anything I think the real thing that's bothering your husband right now is that you ever had feelings for someone else and that there was once a time that you would've married someone else. I think it's the thought in his head that "my wife loved someone else in the past and would've married him" that's causing him to react this way. Some people are like that, they want to be the first everything for the girl even if that's not true for themselves. And then they compare what happened in the past and react to it as if the person is having that relationship right now. They also wonder then, if she's able to love someone else and leave them then will she love me and leave me too.

    If he's unwilling to talk then perhaps marriage counseling will help. I think he's taking what you said out of context. I don't know if you're typing up exactly what you said but usually this stuff is resolvable from just talking about it and being honest.

  3. Assalaamu alaykum. Sister I wonder why would you discuss this kind topic to anyone while you are still newly married. Every man with gheerah and protective jealousy would never take it easy. Really if you don't have any feeling why do you bother to talk about a strange who was once in your life and bring harm to your marriage.

    I wouldn't blame your husband the way is reacting and it hurts a wife talks about another man.

    Seek forgiveness from Allah and bring your family to the situation in the best manner without making it is your husbands fault.

    I ask Allah to ease the situation for your and make you a better wife. Learn from mistakes.

  4. AsSalammu Alaikum,

    Every man would do same, its call jealousy and over protective, which is completely normal human behavior (no matter how many people say there are men who does not do that, they are wrong) you just have to try to win his heart..dress up for him, tease him (but do not talk about any men around him), say good things about him (like his good qualities), but do not do anything over too much or else he will get use to it and he will think that he can manipulate by getting angry all the time...that will damage your marriage be kind and not let him take you for granted..

    Also, please make dua that my wife and her parents contact me to reconcile my marriage...

    To:-> Admin of this website..can you please approved (submit) my post so I can get some help..It is still in pending..

    Note:-> Any advice that I have given must be use at your discretion, I am no perfect but these are just my opinion so only use with Allah (swt) will and your heart will.

    Allah Hafiz..

    • Salam Mohammad,

      There are men that are not that jealous or overprotective that will react this way to their wife. Those that have never fallen in love with anyone else have a higher degree of reacting this way but it isn't normal. That relationship happened in the past when the husband wasn't even around. For him to be jealous of what happened when he wasn't even in his wife's life is not rational.

      If this was normal then divorced women, especially ones with kids, could never get remarried. The guy would constantly think about how that girl clearly had relations with someone else and would not fulfill her rights.

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