Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Writing to the man who my mum wants me to marry

Assalam O' Alaikum brothers and dear sisters...

For all those who will take some time out to read and think this over..I am really grateful...thank you

My parents are currently looking for my potential match. An year back one of my cousin got divorced and my mama felt that he was a good and kind man with whom bad has happened and decided that I would prove to be good for him. Istikhara was also done twice both of which turned out to be really good. She approached my aunt and she was very pleased with the idea as she too wants her son to settle down. My aunt really loves me and so do I ...the problem is...after his divorce he has started to believe that all women want money and nothing's upset him a lot. My aunt tried talking to him about marriage..but he refuses and says when he finds a girl for himself....he will then marry (as the previous girl he married was according to his parents)..since then my aunt has no role in even suggesting someone for him..

I, on the other hand not have any particular feelings for him...I will marry wherever my parents will ask me mum says that I should mail him once in a while (he does not live in the same country as me).... to remind him of my existence....and in this way keep in touch.

Initially, I thought it was once in a month I would mail him...just with greetings..nothing intense....he sometimes replies...the same way..and sometimes does not answer at all.....he is very decent...and never talks nonsense with me...but now I have started feeling....this isn't the way to go about things...I feel it's even wrong to be sending mails like this...even though nothing great is ever written in these mails....

He is a good man...and I do think if I marry him...I will be able to help him...and I myself will also be happy....

Please suggest, what could I do about the situation I am in? I thought, I should randomly stop writing to him....but then he may wonder what happened and it may turn out to be rude?...I thought I will tell him everything and why I started writing to him in the first place...but that could really mess things up?

Please advice me....Thank you 🙂

Bless you all...and do pray for my cousin ...and me too 🙂


Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

8 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Personally, I don't think continuing the writing back and forth is the best idea either. For one, if all you guys are doing is sending generic greetings back and forth, that's not going to amount to much. For two, if you guys start getting more personal, you're at risk for crossing boundaries and having to deal with fitna.

    The good thing is that you are not emotionally invested in any particular outcome at this point. That will definitely keep things in the right place, but at the same time that detachment shouldn't be a reason to keep wasting time on something that may not pan out.

    You said yourself that you will marry whomever your parents choose for you. Although I'm not sure this is the best mindset to have, I am seeing that the answer to your dilemma really boils down to how badly your parents want you with this cousin specifically. Have you even talked to them about entertaining other proposals? Or are they so focused on this cousin that they want you to put all your effort toward him?

    If he's still a strong candidate in their mind, I suggest you tell your parents to take you to his country to talk to him in person (I'm assuming you've probably already met him as he is a cousin and you're close with his mother -your aunt). At that in-person meeting, the real issue (wanting to set up a nikkah) can be discussed openly, as can the issues of why he is reluctant to remarry. Perhaps he can then judge for himself that you are not like the women he has in his mind.

    If that doesn't work, and he's dead-set on choosing his own bride without assistance, the best thing to do is let it go. Tell your parents it's more productive to move on and see who else is out there, and let them focus their efforts on that.

    -Amy Editor

  2. assalamalaikum-
    Correspondence between the sexes is not permissible, because that provokes temptation and usually results in evil. If a man corresponds with a non-mahram woman in letters that are not seen by anyone else, that leads to many evils.
    As for the love that stems from repeated looking, haraam mixing or correspondence, the one who does that is sinning to the extent that he does haraam things in his relationship and love.
    Islam forbids a woman to be alone with a man who is not her mahram because of the fitnah (temptation) and bad things that result from that, such as attachment and the desire to look and touch, etc.

    All of this results from the man talking to the woman in these private letters or conversations, especially if they are young and at an age when desire is strong.
    Shaykh Ibn Jibreen (may Allaah preserve him) was asked: What is the ruling on correspondence between young men and young women, if this correspondence is free from immorality, love and desire?

    He replied: It is not permissible for any person to correspond with a woman who is not his mahram, because of the temptation involved in that. The person may think that there is no temptation, but the shaytaan will keep trying until he tempts him through her, and tempts her through him.
    Moreover, these illicit relationships that take place before marriage will be a cause to make each party doubtful about the other.
    The husband will think that his wife may possibly have a similar relationship with someone else, and even if he thinks it unlikely, he will still be troubled by the fact that his wife did do something wrong with him.
    And the same thoughts may occur to the wife too, and she will think that her husband could possibly have an affair with another woman, and even if she thinks it unlikely, she will still be troubled by the fact that her husband did something wrong with her.
    So each partner will live in a state of doubt and suspicion, which will ruin their relationship sooner or later.
    The husband may condemn his wife for having agreed to have a relationship with him before marriage, which will be upsetting for her, and this will cause their relationship to deteriorate.
    Hence we think that if a marriage is based upon an illicit premarital relationship, it will most likely be unstable and will not be successful.

  3. Assalam alaikum Falak,

    It seemed you started writing to your cousin out of the blue so I don't see a problem with stopping writing out of the blue either. Since no feelings are invested, this shouldn't be an issue.

    I do not think that a person who thinks that girls are just after money is necessarily a good candidate for marriage-he has a lot to work out. You mentioned that you think you can help him - it almost sounds like you think you can cure him. I don't think these reasons are a good start to a marriage. If he doesn't really have interest in you, I would drop it--trying to get his attention via emails is really what you and your mother trying to do if you think about it and it is not a good idea--you may not be attached right now, but you never know when those feelings could develop, so I would suggest stop. If I was your mother, I would never want my daughter to try to grab my nephew's attention in this way and "remind him of your existence"--if you are making special provisions to be in contact with this cousin, it is not appropriate.

    Try to see if you can find someone in the area or country you live in--sometimes cousin marriages can be really challenging--even when the mother of the son and the future wife get along--a lot of times the problems all start the first day after the marriage. I know that there are successful cousin marriages--but it sounds more like you are going into this marriage for fixing problems than a blissful marriage.

    May Allah grant you a wonderful, loving, caring Muslim man, Ameen.

  4. I don't think you should marry this guy for the simple reason that he's still badly affected by his divorce and he obviously has no interest in you. If he did, he would be the one to initiate asking for your hand in marriage. Instead, his and your mothers are trying to push you on him even though that's not what he wants. It might be that you don't care who you marry, but I guarantee you that it's a bad idea to marry someone on the rebound and someone who himself hasn't proposed to you. You don't want to be in a situation where this guy feels forced to marry you and taking this feeling out on you and your marriage.

    Just forget about him and marry a guy who actually wants you.

    • dear sister,

      i dont know which country you live in, but i can be pretty sure its south east asia by the way you have told the back ground.

      in the west ( and east too is matching up) these day a lot of divorces are happening because of money. now in reality you dontknow what happened. did that girl asked for money for daily life chores like a husband giving right to his wife or was she saying that her earning is hers ( which is a woman's right in islam) or really something else.

      you just know what your mom had been told about her sister , I presume. if he has said that he is not ready for marriage than just take his word. dont linger in the back ground to be picked up!

      the more you write to him,i can assure you as a woman you will get attached to him even if he has not encouraged you. in the end you will be hurt. dont try to be that woman who rescues the prince charming. trust me sister it doesnt work this way.

      your mom has good intentions but her advice is wrong .

      Good luck girl, may Allah be with you.

  5. and for goodness sake .dont be a sheep and have no say in your marriage. you need to check the guy out yourself .

  6. If you don't like him don't marry him you don't know this guy's character he could be a freak and you wouldn't know. He could be an abuser and cheater i say find a boy urself 🙂 and try to be cautious of men and take self defense classes or boxig classes it comes in handy.

Leave a Response

Cancel Reply