Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Making the wrong choices for my children?

Little girl in her Christening gown

Little girl in her Christening gown

I have two children from a Muslim man.

I am a Catholic and so far my daughter is christened but my son is not.

I am worried that I am making the wrong choices for her?

- Confusedjen

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18 Responses »

  1. First off..STOP HAVING KIDS WITH THE MOSLEM MEN..Been there done that and mine TOOK my daughter 10 years ago...RAISE THEM AS CHRISTIANS AND KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ISLAM..You really need to learn more about ISLAM and wake up...Look around the world at what ISLAMICS do and think...and please be careful with your kids...He will take them if he is a true moslem...

    • Dee, I'm sorry to hear about your experience, but your statements and judgments about Muslim men as a whole are nonsense. Your husband did what he did because he was a person of poor character, not because he was a Muslim. I am divorced from a non-Muslim woman and we share custody of a child. I would never dream of taking her from her mother. I want what's best for my child, and I know that she loves her mother and needs her.

      I just read about a group of American soldiers in Afghanistan who are being charged with murder after they confessed to killing Afghani civilians for sport. Based on that, should I make a judgment of all Americans, or all Christians? The terrible genocide in Rwanda several years ago, they were (mostly) Catholics killing Catholics. There are many similar incidents I could describe about any nationality, any religion.

      My point is that it is wrong to make judgments of an entire people based on the actions of one individual, or a group of individuals. Islam is a religion of integrity, honesty, and fair dealing. That's the character of a "true Muslim".

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • Dee you need education about ISLAM looks like your judging ones case and not realising isnt ISLAM the problem its you. Maybe you need to look at the bugger picture rather than judging one entire people.

      • Actually many American woman are taken often. There are thousands of American women trapped in the middle east by their husbands. They have children and are told if they leave they have to leave their children with the father or stay and be beaten and in some cases tortured. There are many cases of Muslim men stealing the children away from their mother. I agree that these horrible men do not make the whole of the Muslim population. BUT it is a real threat to women. I was warned immediately when it became known I was with a Muslim guy. It is documented. It does happen in this world.

        But to get back to the point I think confusedjen is doing well with her Muslim man. My personal feeling on the matter is you are Catholic, he is Muslim. Christen both your children and also follow Islam as well. Your children have a right to both religions. Your children are both Islamic and Catholic. Your religion is just as important for your children as his religion. You should have discussed this issue with your guy before having children. But there is no time like the present. Talk to him about it. It doesn't really matter how other people feel about it. What do both of you feel about it? It is more a personal issue between the parents when dealing with interfaith marriage. As a Muslim he has to respect your religion as well. This also includes your children. The best way to respect each others faith is to teach your children everything about both religions.

        But as I said it is about what both of you want for your children together. Faith is such an intrigal part of each person. For your children if you withold your faith from them you withold a part of you from them. Do not ever feel bad for wanting them to have both, or think that giving them a part of you is wrong. I hope this helps in some way.

  2. Dear Confusedjen

    Why did you marry a Muslim guy or get with him? Maybe you should have thought about Contraception before you had these kids. If it seriously bothers you so much having your kids christened then you should have married or got with your own kind. To me it feels like you trapped this guy and I seriously feel sorry for him and his family your not really bothered about the religion or really excepted it. People like you I can’t stand who jump in bed with anyone or anything and don’t actually know or willing to practice before realising the consequences.

    • How dare you assume that you know what kind of person I am and that i jump into bed with anyone and everyone? Not like its any of your business but this happens to be the only EVER relationship i have been in, most probably less than you!
      And as for my poor trapped partner, we happen to have been in a very strong, and happy relationship for 7 years so maybe you should save your sympathy for him for yourself, because clearly your the poor soul that feels like the highlight of your day is to come on the internet and slander others who are only seeking advice.
      Some women of Allah you are, I just hope he can forgive the hurful and very nasty things you have said.
      Dont assume I know nothing of the religion, because judging by your name, you were obviously very inexperienced at some point too, shame on you. Its people like you that I cannot stand!
      P.S theres no need to reply!

    • Sarah,

      You have made some really hurtful assumptions and judgements in your reply to the sister seeking advice. Who are you to judge that she has trapped the guy or just jumped into bed? Please think before you speak, our words can really make or break someone.

      The sister has not given much information about her case, so its hard to give specific advice, but it seems that she is standing at a cross road - one path leads to her practising Christianity, the other path leads to Islam. It is more likely that she needs understanding and guidance and it is our obligation as Muslims to be gentle with her, not judgemental.

      SisterZ
      IslamicAnswers.com, Editor

      • Thankyou! Its sisters like you that make me proud to be a muslim!

        • Assalamu'alaikum,

          Are you telling us that you have accepted Islam as your religion?? That is great.

          Remember, never take this gift of Islam for granted as so many people do. Thank Allah everyday for guiding you to Islam.

          May Allah,continue to guide you and your family and may there be many more blessings coming your way.

          Your brother on Islam

          Abdul Wali
          IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Assalamu'alaikum,

        Thank you SisterZ, you beat me to the punch.

        Sarah you have jumped to conclusions without any real information from confusedjen. How do you know that she is not leaning towards Islam. She stated that she is worried that she made the wrong choices for her daughter. Remember, her daughter was christened but her son was not. She didn't say anything negative about Islam.

        When we speak we must know what we are talking about. If we don't then we need to seek the advice from other's who are more knowledgeable. In this case you should have read her post again then you would have realized that your response was misguided and ugly.

        Please everyone, let's use hikmah when giving advice. Even when we are talking to non Muslims we should be kind to them. You never know whose heart will be softened and guided to Islam. If we are harsh in our answers you will turn people away from this beautiful religion of ours. How would you be able to explain to Allah(swt) on the day of judgment that you had an opportunity to help guide someone to Islam but because of your harsh answers you turned them away.

        Sister Sarah, I am still your brother in Islam. Please think about all the people who come to this site who are not Muslim but are possibly thinking about converting. Do you think your response was helpful?

        Your Brother in Islam

        Abdul Wali
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

        • Thankyou for this, I completely agree, sarahs response was notvery helpful and insensitive! We have resolved our situation, and have booked out niccar for next month inshallah! My daughter is attending mosque weekly! Thankyou again! : )

          • Confusedjen, MaashaAllah, what wonderful news on this rainy day :O)!

            May Allah make you into a strong Muslimah and bless your marriage and family with piety and eemaan.

            Do write in if you need any help with revert challenges or anything else inshaAllah.

            SisterZ
            IslamicAnswers.com, Editor
            xxx

  3. Salams

    I know many cases like this in which children of a mixed-race(or cross-cultural) marriage were

    baptized by their mothers. One of our friends did that once with their son, but didn't repeat that

    with the other 2 children for it would hurt the feelings of the Muslim father.

    Practising or not, when two people of two different religions got married, there has to be a consensus

    on how the upbringing of the children should be. This has to happen before the marriage, not after

    you went to the registry office. I personally don't think there are any rules for that. Regardless what

    Islamic law says, there are different types of people who make their own choices in their life.

    My uncle is Muslim, his wife wasn't and she baptized my cousin after their divorce. It hurt my uncle,

    especially because he didn't have anything to say. If the father is not practising, but still Muslim,

    it won't hurt anyone if you don't baptize them. Later on, when they are older, they can make this

    decision for themselves and decide about their religious identity.

    My personal opinion: When two people don't have an ideological consensus, this can be the beginning of

    hell. They will be fights and conflicts in such a marriage on who is going to influence them how. It's bad

    for the confidence of the children. Either both of you aren't religious, or are religious.....

    I think it was a mistake to baptize them. It will hurt your husband, especially as we don't have a comparable

    tradition in Islam.

    Living between two opposite sides is difficult enough, at least let them make this decision themselves.

    Wasalam

    • Christening is not a "tradition" it actually is said to wash away any sins and is done to protect the child from evil and Shaytan. So for a Catholic not to have the children christened makes them feel as if their children are exposed to the devil's manipulations. That is why many christen their children as soon as they can. Just to protect their children. Not to harm or hurt the father. The children can still do everything in Islam as well.

  4. Hello Confusedjen,

    Unfortunately you did not give us much information concerning your situation. You haven't told us whether you are married to him or if you were dating. We don't know if you are still with him.

    If you are still with this man, whether you are married or not, the two of you need to have a long conversation concerning how you want your children to be raised. It sounds as if you are thinking that maybe you made a mistake by christening your daughter. This is a decision that both of you need to talk about.

    If you are no longer with him and if he has nothing to do with you or his children then the decision is up to you.

    Abdul Wali
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  5. Of course christening is not something bad, it is connected with the Christian belief in the original sin.

    From what the new sister( Mashallah) wrote in her post, I assumed she has a Muslim husband and

    christened the children without consulting him which I thought would be unfair.

    A common ground is important. I didn't work on the assumption that she has such an interest in Islam

    and thinks of becoming a Muslim. I thought it was a general question. Under these circumstances,

    it is no problem, when the children become Muslims and say Shahada, everything that happened

    before becomes invalid.

    May Allah bless our new sister

    Jazakallah

  6. dear sister confusedjen,

    just read your post. welcome to Islam.

    congratulations!

    everythingelse will sort out itself now.

    look after yourself.

    friend.

  7. Dear Confusedjen

    I am really sorry for hurting your feelings and for being harsh I wasn’t seriously being judgemental I was just being stupid without realising your situation and wasn’t thinking before I open my mouth.

    To Abdul Wali no my response wasnt helpful it was actually negative and very cruel so i apologise for my actions.

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