Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Am I wrong for putting too much pressure on him to accept Islam?

pressure

Salaam,

I am a girl who comes from a great family mashallah, were we are thought to love Islam and keep family close. I love my religion, but I seem to get my self in trouble which leads to un-Islamic behaviour (mostly teenage years). I end it as soon as I start to think about what my life is mend to be like. I love practicing Islam and go to mosque regularly, know how to pray and find Ramadan the highlight of my year.

Yet again I clearly got myself into a situation where this time am clue less of how to get out because it involves someone else. I start seeing a non-Islamic male, who has became very attached to me and close to my hearth. I explained to him that our future cannot be if their is no Islam in our life.
I discussed this many times and each time he would find another way of making an excuse to mislead people in believing we are living an Islamic life style, but actually will not be true.

Time after time I have taking the patients to be strong and explain in more depth of what it actually means being; Muslim is an act and not words, its a lifestyle with love and respect. My words have reach him and he clearly can see that my mind is made up and its his decision to take it further. I tried many ways to leave him at peace, but every single time I do, he will find a way back to me.

Am I wrong, because I don't know if I put to much pressure on him as becoming a Muslim? Or is this just wrong?

( had another female friend who was really close to me and mashallah she is now Muslim and married)

Am I expecting everyone to embrace Islam because of my experience with my close friend?
I understand that thinking levels of a male is different that of a woman and am afraid that my words won't hold for long. For example, if he does agree on learning about Islam, he will do it because of me and if he does start practising Islam, he will do it because of me. I am afraid that down the line of year that he won't do it for me any more.

His argument now is that he will learn and convert to Islam the right way and marry me through full knowledge of what he is getting him self into, but he can't promise me he will believe all that Islam has thought me. I am desperate for some answers and discussion regarding this topic, it is something that means a lot to me. And eventually a lot to my family as it will be them who have to live with my decisions.

Thank you for your thoughts,

Nimzy.

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7 Responses »

  1. Assalaamu'alaikum Wa Rahmatoullaahi Wa Barakaatuh...

    Respected Sister Nimzy, may Allah Azza Wajal protect you because Alhamdulillah you're making Da'wah but you yourself is being misguided. First of all, you're in direct contact with a non-mahram which is Haraam. Actually you're making Da'wah which Alhamdulillah is awesome but its Haraam when it comes to a boy. Just imagine when someone is asking for any muslim girl hand's in nikah, they can talk to each other only in the presence of a Mahram and what you did, its worst. Actually shaitwan has use Deen itself to misguide you. Remember shaitwan also fear Allah Ta'ala and he knows Deen better than we do.

    So, what happen Sister is that this guy fool you, from the beginnign he wanted to get you and he succeeded and right now shaitwan is Happy because his plan is working perfectly. Right now the thing that you have in your heart for him, is not LOVE but LUST...he too. It could have been anyone and still such feeling would have developed. So, sister careful of your next step, it can be disastrous. If a woman reverted to Islam for marrying a muslim guy, still there is hope but a guy reverting to Islam to marry a girl, there is no hope...why i'm telling you this Sister is because i have experienced 354 cases myself, just like yours.

    Right now you are playing with fire...From these 354 cases, 306 got divorced and the others reverted to non-muslim. Sister the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) has encourage a man and better for him to marry a girl of lowest Imaan than marrying a non-muslim girl, now imagine your situation.

    I'll be direct to you Sister, if you want to face problem in Life and your family to be dishonoured in society, you move on but if really you love your Deen & family, stop it completely. To be frank to you, its difficult but Alhamdulillah if you stop, you'll be the Happiest girl on this world!!! Remember Good is from Allah Azza Wajal & Bad is from us. And remember one thing, even the Prophet Muhammad (SAW) couldn't make his Uncle to accept Islam, now its obvious you won't change him. Like you said one of your female friend reverted to Islam, Alhamdulillah this is because Allah Ta'ala wanted so and Allah Ta'ala has used you to do the Da'wah because Allah Azza Wajal Love you but the Da'wah with this non-muslim guy is not allowed in Islam as no mahram was present.

    So, shaitwan has used the cause of Da'wah to misguide you. But i know you didn't realize it but Alhamdulillah now you do.

    So, be careful of your next step. Alhamdulillah your intention was good but thats why Islam always teaches that strange boys & girls shouldn't mingle.

    My advice to you is to cut all contacts from this guy. Alhamdulillah the decision is in your hand now. Don't think that your situation is different from those i had mention above, nah...its the same and i had given alot of proof thats its worng too, so i make Du'a that Allah Azza Wajal take you out of this Fitna & protect you from this guy and give you a pious muslim guy.

    Take Care and i'm really Sorry if i had offense you, didn't mean too.

    Assalaamu'alaikum Wa Rahmatoullaahi Wa Barakaatuh...

  2. Salaam sister,

    Alhamdulillah your female friend became Muslim, and that is wonderful. However, we need to be very careful that we do not allow such experiences to lead us to think that everyone we tell about Islam will revert if we just try hard enough to convince them. Putting pressure on people to change their faith and belief system is less likely to yield positive results than education and setting a good example. Consider the trials of Muslims in the early days of our faith in Mecca - powerful people and sometimes even relatives put huge pressure on our Beloved Prophet (peace be upon him) and the newly developing Muslim community, but ultimately Mecca welcomed them back because they could see the peace and truth in their lifestyle. We should strive to learn from the examples of Mohammed (peace be upon him), his family and his contemporaries - the greatest successes in Da'wah came not from force but from gentleness and education.

    I would be concerned that this boy's initial intentions with regards entering Islam have not been honourable, and that even now he is saying that he may well not believe but convert anyway. It is possible that he may accept the truth of Islam as he studies it, and we must be careful not to assume the worst of him, but it must be his own realisation and his own faith - if his motivations are not honourable, then he would not truly be converting, and he would not be Muslim.

    If he is now saying that he genuinely wishes to learn about Islam, direct him to a local mosque or education centre, where he can learn from reputable sources. InshaAllah he will recognise the truth of Islam and become Muslim for his own sake rather than as a pretence. He may be thinking that life as a Muslim would not be so different from his life now, other than saying a few words and attending prayers once each week, but the reality is that it is a way of life - a peaceful and fulfilling way, but very different from what he may be imagining.

    At this moment in time, though, he is not your mahram, and therefore it is not appropriate for you to have this level of interaction with him. After directing him to a place he can learn about Islam, I would advise that you step back from the situation, and explain to him that he needs to make his own choices about accepting Islam, not coloured by his feelings about you. Explain to him that you have realised it is not acceptable to have this level of interaction outside of an Islamically acceptable relationship (ie. marriage), and that for this reason you cannot be involved in this situation any more. If, after learning about Islam, he accepts it for his own sake, he would then be welcome to approach your family with a proposal.

    You can also use this time to learn more about Islam yourself; join a study group or find some local talks - the more we learn about our faith, the more we can recognise and be motivated to stay on the straight path.

    Midnightmoon
    IslamicAnswers.com editor

    • "Putting pressure on people to change their faith and belief system is less likely to yield positive results than education and setting a good example."

      Very true.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. Wa'alaykumsalam,

    The above comment is masha'Allah comprehensive, true and you should take heed to it. Great that you are brought up with proper Islamic morals and so you must be steady with it and not fall into evil path insha'Allah. Iblees is a great deceiver, it was said that, the strongest satan goes to the person with the strongest faith to battle him/her. Now its your turn sister and you are in a test. Good that you're aware of your situation and I hope that you pass and leave that non-muslim non mahram man for good. Whats happening is that the satan is using da'wah as disguise to potentially destroy your life to be filled with sins, regrets, loss of faith etc. Da'wah as disguise ? Yes its true. Pre-marital relationship is forbidden in Islam and so it is one of satan's tricks as it is widespread these days. He'll find all sort of ways to try and deviate you from the sirat al mustakeem ( the straight/right path), he found da'wah that might please you and I believe that he is almost succeeding as you said that, that non muslim male has a special place in your heart. I think its a disease that you should rid. There are few ways to do it,

    If your true intention is da'wah,

    - Then you can guide that brother to a nearby masjid or Islamic center.
    - You can let any mahram member within your family or relatives to invite and teach that non-muslim about Islam.
    - You can recommend him certain Islamic websites and/or lectures etc.
    - Hand him a copy of translated Quran.

    All the above has to be done in the presence of friends or male relatives of your and never alone. Once done, its time to say goodbye and you must not be in contact with him from then on.

    To do that,

    - Explain to him that, it is forbidden in Islam for a girl and boy to intermingle and so you are ceasing ties with him because you fear and wish to obey Allah and His messenger.
    - If he is being stubborn and posses dis-satisfaction or give out emotinal blackmail threats (suicide etc), then your job is to stay far away from him on the spot and let him deal with Allah. His actions are solely his and you are not blamed AT ALL.
    - If you think he might find a way back, you should change your contact number, email ID, fb etc whatever he has.
    - If he happens to be staying near you that you would see each other again, like school or uni or workplace etc, then accompany someone with you and say to his face, you want to end it and stay away from you. Yes you must be rude because you shouldn't have spoken to him in a soft voice as Allah commanded woman to " Be not soft in speech ".

    Basically, you must by all means sever all ties with him and fear Allah for His punishemnt is very severe. Know that, pre-marital relationships or bf/gf are forbidden in Islam, whether da'wah or otherwise.
    It is not possible for everyone to accept Islam, it happens only with Allah's guidance . If that non muslim man reverts just to marry you, then wait for troublesome future. It is indeed a dangerous game to be involved. Reverting has to be sincere by believing in oneness of Allah, the last messenger and accepting and following the Qur'an. If he sincerely revert to Islam, then he must approach your family to ash for your hand in marriage. Untill then stay away from him infact FAR away as he is non muslim, more reasons to be aware. I would not advise you to marry him even in the future, I doubt your family would. As you said, your family has great Islamic values too. Think about your family too and their views, think of the community you're residing and think of how Allah is watching your actions. So do obey and love your family alot as is ordered by Allah. Ask Allah to grant you a pious Allah-fearing muslim man. Your spouse has already been written for you in your book, and so build good relationship with Allah and He will give you when the time is right. Try to forget this man. There are lots of pious muslim men out there deserving of your piety insha'Allah.

    For your benefit, increase your Islamic knowledge, your taqwah and insha'Allah you'll prosper. Do your Islamic duties and sincerely repent alot for you have walked on evil path and make a firm intention to avoid looking down that road again and become a pious muslimah insha'Allah. You are blessed that you're not late. Be gratefull. Pray salat al istikhara before coming to a final decision as Allah will guide you insha'Allah.

  4. ASSALAMALAIKUM

    Im this case also this applies we cannot be too sure about the life pattern i mentioned in paragra[h no-1

    Just the opposite has happened form para no-1 in yr life the attachnent you told and the ramzan you mentioned etc etc- you are going the wrong route by kiving a haram relationship in the 1st place itself -

    Correspondence between the sexes is not permissible, because that provokes temptation and usually results in evil. If a man corresponds with a non-mahram woman in letters that are not seen by anyone else, that leads to many evils.
    As for the love that stems from repeated looking, haraam mixing or correspondence, the one who does that is sinning to the extent that he does haraam things in his relationship and love.

    Islam forbids a woman to be alone with a man who is not her mahram because of the fitnah (temptation) and bad things that result from that, such as attachment and the desire to look and touch, etc.
    All of this results from the man talking to the woman in these private letters or conversations, especially if they are young and at an age when desire is strong.

    QUESTION IS-WHATS The ruling on correspondence between young men and young women, if this correspondence is free from immorality, love and desire?

    THIS HAPPENED Yet again I clearly got myself into a situation where this time am clue less of how to get out because it involves someone else. I start seeing a non-Islamic male........

    DUE TO YOUR DEFYING THE CONCEPT OF ISLAM.......YOU LANDED IN TROUBLE-AND I HAVE SEEN MANY MALES TURN BACK TO THEIR PARENTS AND TAKE YOU THERE TO DO POOJA IN THEIR HOUSE AND IF YOU REFUSE THEY WILL LEAVE YOU WITH CHILDREN OR TAKE THE CHILDREN AND DIVORCE YOU-

    A GIRL MARRIES SHE WILL ADJUST WITH A MUSLIM HUSBAND IF SHE ADJUST HERSELF AFTER BEARING CHILDREN-
    It is not permissible for any person to correspond with a woman who is not his mahram, because of the temptation involved in that. The person may think that there is no temptation, but the shaytaan will keep trying until he tempts him through her, and tempts her through him.
    IT IS BETTER YOU STOP HERE THIS MOMENT AND SAVE YR SELF OR ELSE A VERY BAD FUTURE IS IN THE OFFING -

    REGARDS

  5. Dearest sister...

    I feel for you so strongly. This situation is more common than you may think. I'm sure you feel connected to this person after so long and in a way responsible for him. But my dear you cannot change him, not all your love, your faith, the investment of your time nor all that you are could ever change him. If he is blinded - then his eyes are veiled and only the Almighty can change that and not for your sake, but for his and as the Almighty knows what the future holds.

    He seems conflicted. This confliction will only grow. As you become more familiar with each other - he will become more brazen and less vague in his rejection and portrayed indifference.
    Should you two marry - think of your life should he decide to leave the fold of islam, think of the difference in his inherent thinking to yours which has made itself evident already. Our Allah-consciousness is in everything we do, it governs us, it is something we cannot separate from ourselves. This is something he will need to learn through his sincere love for islam as it grows in time, it will not happen overnight and should he be uncertain even now as to whether or not he will truly believe - then this will never happen at all, and essentially you will be married to man muslim in name only. Is this the life you want?

    You're young now but as you grow older - you will yearn to be closer to Allah and you will want to change your practices and do more towards that goal. If you have a husband who wants to 'sit on the fence' and be more liberal, he will not strengthen you in this, he will slowly have you making more and more concessions till the point where you are pulled further and further from islam and eventually will end up doing things which are unislamic and which you could never see yourself doing - for want of keeping your relationship together.

    Also - your islamic heritage and customs will clash strongly with those of his non-muslim family and then what? Will you two argue every time this happens? Will he support you or think you are unreasonable and side with his family. How will that affect your children and what will it teach them? Will they grow to have the luxury of a strong muslim household as you had - or will they grow up confused? Your decision affects all of this.

    This is a test from the Almighty, indeed, sister. The Almighty will always test you with that which you desire most. And right now - your are at a very crucial point? Who do you love more? Allah, Rasoolullah (saw) and your deen or will you risk abandoning them to cater for the accomodation of this man in your life who already does not give his full commitment? Learning about islam and converting is one thing- living it is another.

    You deserve more.

    If you love him, let him go enitirely. Point him in the direction where he could educate himself about Islam. And test him as such - after a long enough time away from you, if he seeks out islam and converts on his own and then comes to find you as a muslim - then he was always meant to be yours, but if he faulters in this quest and moves on with his life, then you know what his true intentions were. And throughout this time, make Istikhaarah, and the Almighty will show you the truth that he hides behind his displays of affection.

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