Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Zina will cause my family’s humiliation if I get married

I had a physical relation with a person for 7 years. But now i left him 3 months ago and repented truly. Now my family wants to marry me off. But i am afraid that my husband will know about my past because of absence of hymen and my loose vagina. I have a yonger sister who will get affected if i get exposed becoz nobody will marry her. And my parents will die. My mother is a heart patient and i dnt want to be the cause of my parents and my sisters humiliation. I regret all these 7 years of sin. Please guide me how i should convince my parents that i will not marry anybody.


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12 Responses »

  1. How do you stay in this for 7 years?
    Interesting. We all have needs but honestly that’s a long time.

    • I mean no offense by this, but if one has nothing constructive to say, perhaps we should keep unnecessary comments to ourselves. This sister is clearly in a lot of distress and has turned to this website for advise and comfort from muslim brothers and sisters, i dont think shoving it in her face that she was in a relationship "for a really long time" is making her feel any better

  2. Sister I will tell you from a guys point of view. It is better for you to marry the man you were with for 7 years. And since that's not the case, you shouldn't be picky by any means of having a husband who is pure because that is unfair. You will have to accept that no pure man will want to marry a girl who has had a past. May Allah forgive us and guide us

    • i was in a similar situation as this sister, i was in a reltionship with a man for 8 years. he promised that we would be together and get married. i loved him, and this relationship mentally runied me. he would hack into my personal accounts to keeo track of who i was talking to. we were commiting zinna every other day, but during this time period he was secrtly enagged to a girl back home. he would always promise we would end up togethr. i askedh i mto ask for my hand in marriage, but he would always delay. he left me to marry other girl and said his family would never agree to us. i begged him, i couldnt see myself with anouther man, i knew if i was to marry someone else, they would know i was not virgin. he said move on. hes now marriedwith a child 🙁 im still finding difficulty in finiding spouse. i feel empty,

    • Bro K , while your advice is practical , with a crying heart i would say please print out this reply of your or copy and send to every male muslim guy you know. You have written no pious man would want a girl who has done zina but if it was a man he would have been advised to look for a pious women as she can raise better kids and give him peace. Zina is absoultely abhorent . But please if you can advice this sister brutally so make a habit of advicing or warning men around you of what they have been doing to the women of this ummah. They want to sleep with as many women possible before marriage. Please tell those men to accept what theh go on doing is satanic,please tell them to accept Allah has placed diginity on high value and its no joke when they take it away from girls. Please tell them to accept the life long pain they give to a girl not to forget the humilation she faces ..i dont say women dont have a role in this but not marrying a girl after doing zina is just a plain joke. These men should accept that they enter these relationships just to satisfy themselves and then blame the girl , her not being beautiful , her character not being the best. Where are the excuses earlier. Brothers have to wake up to advise,stop,and warn other brothers. This ummah needs a wakeup call.

      • i wish someone would have told me this, and i had been wise enough to tay away from falling in love, from doing haram. it haunts me each and every day. i feel dirty, ashamed and used. the men seem to move on find good wives and have a good married life.whereas us girls, our hearts and souls are left broken

  3. Sister all I can say is tell ur mom that in islam it says that you are not allowed to force your daughter/son to get married and if they do they will get gunah
    Asalamualikum warahmatulahi wabarakatuh

  4. Assalaamualaikum

    Every person's body is different. Some women have a visible hymen, others don't, other people's hymens break during physical activity... There is even a growing body of scientific evidence that the hymen as we think of it - as a sort of seal - doesn't actually exist in the way we think of it. It's unrealistic to expect every virgin woman to bleed when she has sex for the first time, so not bleeding isn't going to be a big deal unless the man and/or his family are deeply conservative and/or closed minded. And as for sexual intercourse causing a vagina to become loose, that's just not going to happen. Remember that the vagina is designed for a baby to come out of it, and then resume its previous shape. Sexual intercourse simply isn't going to cause irreparable looseness, that's a myth. If you are concerned about a lack of muscle tone in your private parts (eg. if you're experiencing epsiodes of urinary incontinence), then you can try using exercise to strengthen the muscles in your pelvic floor or visitng your doctor.

    My advice would be to stop worrying yourself by thinking your body is wrong and that you shouldn't get married because of your past. Quite simply, the only way your past will come to light is if somebody tells someone about it. Allah has guided us to conceal our sins, so offer Him sincere repentance, take steps to avoid it happening again (fasting, looking for a spouse, exercise, etc), and look to the future.

    Midnightmoon editor

    • On paper it looks easy to say as now you have repented you are as pious as other virgins .
      But still there is difference between a real virgin and repented non virgin person .
      One major major difference can be that a person who is involved in sex for such a long period can pass STD to the other person .So be careful and practical in this world rather than going by just theoretical ways of approaches . It applies to both the sexes .

  5. Midnight Moon's advice was very good.

    Information about a woman's sex organs/canal:
    If you remain chaste, and do Kegel exercises, your vaginal walls will tighten up. Stress incontinence (holding urine effectively) affects women of all ages, including women who are pregnant, have had children, etc. Commercials regarding this condition are more open and common place. It also impacts on a woman's sexual health. Women do Kegel exercises to minimize the problem of incontinence. These same exercises strengthen or tighten the muscles used during sex. Some women actually speak to a physician regarding this medical condition and some women after childbirth even seek medical treatment to improve the vaginal canal. However, unless you absolutely know your physician will not discuss your doctor's visits with your mother or anyone else, you may or may not pursue that course. Some women who have long absences from their husbands sometimes joke that they are almost like virgins, because when they first resume sexual activity again, it might be a bit uncomfortable or even hurt -- like the first time they had sex. Our bodies do adjust to not having sex for long periods of time, especially if the woman only uses a sanitary napkin during her period. Each woman, however, is different.

    Regarding not having a hymen. That is a physical matter. Not being a virgin really has nothing to do with your hymen. If a woman has never had sex with a man she is a virgin, regardless of the status of her hymen. A girl child, an adolescent girl or a teenager can have a broken hymen, some just by being physically active, using tampons, riding a bike. Some females have a thin hymen which breaks easily. Some females may have a thicker one that causes bleeding the first time she has sex.

    You should focus on not being sexually involved with anyone because it is displeasing to Allah. You were in a sexual relationship for seven years. Based solely on that, you should be more aware of your sexual health than you appear to be. More importantly, you should be more concerned about making Taubah for your sin of zina. I don't want to be harsh, but none of us can fix a problem if we don't admit that it exists. Islam is a beautiful way of life. In Islam, we do not have to talk about our sins with others Confession is between you and Allah. We also are encouraged to do good deeds privately. So doing taubah is a private matter between you and Allah.

  6. Salam,

    Tell your parents of your situation. Your parents will die no matter what you do so that shouldn't be a reason to withhold the truth from them. Since you don't want to get married now you can have your sister get married first. This way it will not affect your sister's marriage.

  7. 7 years of simnah! That itself is like a marriage . you need to depend asap , you probably stacked mountains of sins.

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