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Monday, October 23, 2000

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

Assalamu Alaikum. I am a Canadian Muslim woman married for almost seven years to an Arab Muslim man. We met in University and fell almost instantly in love. However, since our move to another province about three years ago things have gone dramatically downhill. My husband has been very physicaly abusive and we were almost at a point where divorce was the only solution. But my husband convinced me that someone in his country of origin has put a curse on him and our very difficult financial situation hasn't helped things either. Bilqis, I am having doubts whether he will ever change. Being spit on and having bruises on every part of my body and being beaten with belts, shoes, or fists doesn't leave much room for forgiveness but Insha'Allah God will answer my prayers and return the man that I once knew and loved. I have never discussed our situation with anyone. I wanted to tell my husband's best friend but my husband said if I told him that I would be committing a big haraam as a wife and would be beaten further for insulting and shaming him. Bilqis, I want to know am I allowed in Islam to discuss my abusive relationship with anyone?

- Muslimah

BILQIS ANSWERS:

Dear "Muslimah",

This is a very un-Islamic situation! No Muslim man is allowed to physically beat, spit upon or verbally abuse his wife. There are many references here at Zawaj.com, either from Qur'an, Hadiths, articles and essays that clearly explain what is the true nature of a Muslim marriage. Your husband has a serious problem that he needs to address by seeking the help of a rightly-guided spiritual teacher, i.e. an Imam or Sheikh who is knowledgeable about healing the soul and the heart. You likewise need to take steps to guarantee your own spiritual, physical and mental health.

You, unfortunately, are not alone in this dilemma. There are other Muslim women who have suffered similarly. If your husband will not seek the kind of help he needs, the situation is unlikely to change. As a Muslim lady you have the right to the assistance and protection of the local Muslim community through their leaders. They should be able to inform you and your husband of your rights and responsibilities in this matter. There has been information provided here regarding domestic violence which you should read through and see how it can be applied to assist you in your situation.

It is important that you seek the assistance of the Muslim community near you. Hopefully, they are in a position to help both you and your husband with this problem. You know that you will need to be mindful of your own safety throughout such a situation and take the precautions that you feel are best and make decisions that will help and not harm you. Most importantly, turn to Allah (swt) often in prayer and remembrance (dhikr) for peace of mind, and read Qur'an daily for the light of His guidance.

-Bilqis

Editor's Note: I agree with everything sister Bilqis has said in her response, and I want to emphasize how strongly Islam condemns domestic abuse. There is absolutely no excuse for hurting another human being in such a manner. You absolutely have the right to complain, to seek assistance, to remove yourself from that abusive environment, and even to press criminal charges against your husband. It's not for me to say whether or not you should divorce him; you are the only one who can make that decision. But I strongly recommend that you remove yourself from that abusive environment while your husband seeks counseling and gets the help he needs to change. If he refuses to seek counseling or assistance, it is, as Bilqis pointed out, unlikely that he will change and miraculously revert to the loving man you once thought you knew. You should not feel in any way guilty about taking steps to ensure your own safety. I would like to ask also that you keep us informed of your progress by e-mailing Bilqis and letting us know how you are doing. May Allah guide you and grant you safety, peace and happiness.