Monday, November 27, 2000
I am a single, 36-years old, Caucasian Muslima. I was married
for eight years to a man who was a good Muslim, but we mutually
decided not to continue our marriage. We wanted the opportunity
to let each other improve upon our lives independently - to become
mature and responsible adults - and to seek a more positive future
which we felt were both not leading as a couple. We were also
not blessed with any children which, in afterthought, was a blessing
- everything is from Allah SWT and He does not place a burden
upon anyone that s/he cannot bear.
Since our divorce in 1996, I have did a lot of spiritual and
emotional growing, insha'Allah, and felt wiser because of the
experience, alhamdulillah. I also did not find support from my
community here in Denver, Colorado.
In the 12 years since my reversion (alhamdulillah), I have
discovered how very secular, non-uniform, and uninvolved the
Muslim community is. Very disheartening...but I discovered that
we are all responsible for our own selves spiritually. I do not
have a walee/wakeel (on one occasion, the sheikh here told me
that it was not his responsibility to look for a husband for
me) and I feel that I am old enough to not have a sponsor; thus,
I felt the Internet was the best solution to my dilemma, since
a person can basically 'pick-and-chose' their prospective mate
based on their own preferences. However, I have not been fortunate
in my search.
I have spoken with and even met so-called Muslim men who were
not sincere about their religion, about the commitment to marriage,
excessively particular in their desires, and even prejudiced
about race (either white or black), previously married women
('in my country...'), age, etc. In reverse, I feel that my criteria
are basic in a husband: kindness, sincerity, patience, intelligence,
compassion, and above all, a practicing Muslim who fears Allah
(SWT). Are my standards too high? My expectations too great?
I realize that it is not lawful for a Muslim woman to marry
a non-Muslim man, but in view of the circumstances and in times
like this (fearlessness, selfishness, and insensitivity), is
it possible for a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man with
the prospect that he will convert? It seems much easier to find
a non-Muslim man to communicate with (at workplace, etc.) and
What other alternative would you suggest if not this?
Jazek Allah kheir.
I am very sympathetic to your situation!!.
These are trying times for Muslims in many ways. I must tell
you however that it is forbidden for a Muslim woman to marry
other than a Muslim man. If you will go to the question and answer
of Monday, Dec. 20, 1999 you will find a very comprehensive answer as
to why a Muslim woman can only marry a Muslim man.
Your requirements in a husband are certainly
not unreasonable, but, as you say, your search has been unsuccessful
thus far. I would encourage you to not give up hope and to remain
optimistic. When you give the matter serious thought, you seem
to be a Muslima who would REALLY only be satisfied with a Muslim
husband. The day-to-day practice of your religion could only
be enhanced by a husband of the same faith.
The key is to keep busy. Try to get
more involved with the Muslim community. Whatever you can do,
with the intentions being for Allah's sake. I know sometime we
become disillusioned with different "personalities"
we work with, but keep the focus on Allah (swt) and expect His
reward and focus less on people or Muslims in the community.
I also hope that you have a good sister-friend that you can talk
to and also do things with for relaxation and entertainment.
There will be more opportunities to find a husband. Marrriage
is the way of the Muslims and so there will be other opportunities,
but you will need to remain open to the possibilities, watchful
and be creative in your thinking about circumstances that may
come your way.
So, I encourage you to continue to guard
your modesty, remain optmistic and trust in Allah by doing the
things that will help you along this path. My prayers and best
wishes to you.