Monday, December 11, 2000
asalaamu alaikum Sister Bilqis,
May Allah (swt) bless you for your insightful guidance. I
would like to ask if you have found that it hard for older sisters
aged thirty five to forty five who are not married to find spouses.
I am a single sister with three sons under the age of thirteen
years. I would like to meet someone with a serious mind in Al-Islam
who is kind and sincere. I have not practiced this religion for
over two years. My former marriage was not good. I was a fourth
wife in a relationship of physical and mental abuse. My former
husband barely visited my home and lived 127 miles away from
me with his other wives who shunned my existance. Please advise
me (Insha Allah).
- Sister S.
Dear Sister S.,
I am sorry to hear that your previous
marriage was such a bad experience. Allah is the Just, and any
such abuses will be addressed either in this life or the next.
The believer (mu'min) always sees the good of whatever
circumstances Allah (swt) may place her in. And so it is time
for you to be hopeful and optimistic about your and your childrens'
The best advice I can offer is to concentrate
on the positive - in other words, the good things you have to
offer as a Muslim lady. Whatever faults you may perceive in yourself,
acknowlege them and resolve to change for the better. Age, in
Islam, is a good thing. With it should come maturity, knowledge
and wisdom. Take the knowledge of your bad experiences and use
it to avoid other possible bad situations. Learn more about your
deen through reading of Qur'an, Hadiths (traditions of the Prophet
[saw]), and Islamic Law. Get involved in a nearby Muslim community.
Sisters often have study groups. Get involved in things that
will help improve you spiritually and make your daily life more
pleasant. Begin to practice your religion wholeheartedly.
Now is the time to concentrate on yourself
and your children. Any improvements you make will be a good influence
on the children. If you are cheerful they will be cheerful. Truly,
this life can often be difficult, but, the mu'min (which we strive
to be) sees the "silver lining in every cloud". The
Messenger of Allah (saw) said that all the affairs of a mu'min
are good for him, and this is only the case with a mu'min: when
something good befalls him he thanks Allah and so it is good
for him, and when something bad befalls him he is patient and
persevering and so it is good for him. So be positive, get busy
studying and practicing your religion so that you are knowledgeable
and aware of the qualities of a good marriage. Seek Allah's guidance
and help and don't allow negative thoughts to creep in because
you are too busy moving in the right direction. Insh'Allah a
better marriage may be destined for you, but you have to be open,
aware and willing to receive it. My prayers and best wishes to