Monday, December 25, 2000
Assalamu Alaikum Bilqis,
I found your page very interesting.
I have a question and I am looking forward to hearing from
I am corresponding with a brother who wants to have a second
wife and who is a convert. He is an African-American. He is married
to his first wife legally according the laws of the United States
of America. As we all know that the laws there do not allow men
to practice polygamy, the only solution that he suggested to
get me there where he lives was to get the marriage license from
the present wife to obtain a citizenship for me to the States
(in other words, to divorce his first wife only in the eyes of
the law, and marry me legally).
We have been corresponding for the last seven months and this
is the only way for us to be together. My question is, is it
correct what this brother suggested that he will do (Insha'Allah)?
Also I am confused because he does not even have any idea so
far whether his present wife will give it up for the sake of
me and to please him. I can't forget him him or give up this
whole issue. We have seen each others pictures and we call each
other evry week. I think we both have become very close without
our knowledge, only by talking to each other over the phone.
He is very serious about this. But sometimes I feel that he is
ignoring me. When I reach him while he is at home he does not
sound the same way as when I call him at the office. It is like
he is having two faces. When I call him at office he sounds great
and talks to me freely but not while at home. Tell me what to
do, before I go mad???
Jazak Allah Khairan!!
- Miss Disappointed
Dear "Miss Disappointed",
I think you know the answer to your
question! If you are already experiencing disappointment and
uncertainty about this situation from a distance, it is likely
to only get worse. This is not the way to approach marriage in
Islam. You should have a guardian (walee) to protect your
interests and safety, you should know about this brother's character
(i.e. whether he is an upright and practising Muslim) and some
idea of what kind of husband he is to his first wife. You should
also know about his ability to financially maintain more than
one household, and whether he has knowledge of the Islamic guidelines
for a polygamous marriage as well as making yourself aware of
Islamic Law on this subject.
I must say that from your letter I get
a bad feeling about this situation. A situation that is based
on lies and untruths can only end badly. You mentioned that when
you speak with him at home he seems uneasy. This could mean many
things. Perhaps his first wife is unaware of his plans, or perhaps
she is against his plans for another wife; either way you should
know the true nature of the situation before you become involved
so that you can make an informed decision. I would strongly discourage
you from doing something illegal in order to get married because
you could possibly end up at the mercy of the American legal
You didn't say much about your current
living situation, but going into an unstable situation such as
this doesn't seem like a good solution for any other problems
you might be having. I would suggest you go about seeking a Muslim
husband in the proper way. Get a guardian and strive to find
a brother you know more about and can meet. There are many Muslim
brothers seeking a wife, so this is not the only brother you
can develop feelings for and marry, I am sure. When going into
a marriage you should feel good about the prospects for a long
and happy marriage and not disappointed and uneasy as you now
feel. Don't accept less than what Allah (saw) has given you a
right to. And Allah knows best!