Muslim Matrimonials and More's Ask Bilqis


Monday, November 5, 2001


Dear Bilqis,

I am an asian married to an Arab. We have been married for four years now and we have a beautiful son, but its been nearly a year now that I do not love my husband anymore.

The main reasons are that, firstly, he is an alcoholic. He abuses alcohol to the maxiumum. This began after I had my first child two years ago, and I had the patience to guide him to the right path, attending to his needs. It's been a year and a half that I have tried and finally I got tired when I saw no results.

Besides that, he has not given me any attention and passion since we had our son. All his attention has deviated towards my son. I can understand how it feels to have a first child and be all excited about it, but that does not mean that he should forget me. I am living with him without any of my family members by my side to support me emotionally.

Furthermore, I must tell you that I do not love him anymore and our sex life hasn't been active over a year now, we haven't made love for the last two months, can you advise me if am committing haram by not satisfying his desires? Am I at fault?

I told him to give me a divorce and he said that he will only do it only if I give him custody of my child. He is exploiting my weaknesses because I love my child a lot. A month ago he hit me in the early morning as he was drunk and demanded sex, but I could not because I was having the days of the month. His excuse to his family for beating me was that I did not give him sex for two years, that was his excuse to his family, which is not true, and now I feel ashamed to even face his family. This is a personal matter and should be solved amomg us. Part of the problem is that the alchohol has damaged his ability to perform in many ways.

Please, I need some advice on how I can get a divorce with my child in my custody as I do not want to stay with this man anymore. He has mentally tortured me until I hate him. There is no love left. Kindly advise. Please do not reveal my email address as this is very highly confidential. Thank you

- Totally Depressed


Dear "Totally Depressed",

Your feelings are very understandable. I hope that you are living in an area where there is a Muslim community. There should be atleast one in the city or town where you live. Your situation sounds very bad and you should seek help from the Muslim community first, but if this is not available to you, then perhaps local assistance agencies. Your husband has a serious problem and cannot be a good father to your son, or a good husband to you until he can overcome his drinking problem at the least, as well as the serious breach of his Islamic duties by drinking intoxicants.

If possible, you should leave the home until he gets some professional help for his drinking. There are women's groups that advise and assist women with these types of problems. I hate to see custody battles over children, but in his present condition, there are no authorities who would give him custody of your son.

This is a delicate situation and you need to be courageous, cautious and wise in striving to change your life and your son's life for the better. You are the only one who knows the particulars of your situation, and what you must be cautious about. Since you have access to the internet, I would suggest you seek out women's assistance groups near you who may be able to advise you on the matter as well as provide you and your child with a safe place to stay. There is one group I came across that may be able to help you: Baitul Salaam, a Complete Islamic and Support Resource, Perhaps you can even receive assistance to return to your family, and perhaps your husband will make the needed changes to have an Islamic family life again.The decisions are yours to be made. I can only judge by what you have related in your message to me. You have to decide what to do after you find the resources you need to assist you.

But you must remember, if he doesn't stop drinking, things won't change for the better and you will have to take the initiative to change your life.

- Bilqis Muslim Matrimonials