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Monday, July 12, 1999

QUESTION

Assalaam-o-alaikum sister Bilqis...

Let me start out by saying this question and answer site is very informative and may Allah bless you for all the help you provide...

I'm 23 and will probably start searching for my partner in life in a year or so. My situation/problem is that I've been told by doctors that I will not be able to father children. Avenues such as in vitro fertilization and the like are not a possibility in my case. There are no other sexually related problems. I like kids and understand that in my culture, children are pretty important to most sisters. I personally have nothing against adoption or not having children. I'm just concerned with meeting someone that will be understanding and will still want to spend the rest of her life with me. My parents suggest I not mention this in any proposals of marriage that I may embark upon. I disagree. I don't want to keep something like this from the person that is supposed to be my life partner, yet at the same time I'm afraid that if I do make it known, I will be shooting myself in the foot, and no sister will be interested.

Any suggestions? Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

wa salaam.

signed,
-is honesty the best policy?

p.s. please don't mention my name in your answer : )

BILQIS ANSWERS:

Dear Honesty,

There are options to your situation. As you said, adoption is one consideration. I would like to mention another possibility. You might not have thought of this and it might pose a "problem" of sorts in some Muslim cultures, but it is a very real consideration. There are good Muslim ladies, who because of unfortunate circumstances, are now widowed or divorced and are seeking a good Muslim husband for marriage and as a "good example" of Islamic manhood for their children.

Unfortunately, I have seen too many circumstances where a Muslimah is left alone to struggle and raise her children from a previous marriage. Most of these ladies do what they MUST out of love for their children and their committment to Al-Islam, but it is surely not a situation that I think Allah (swt) smiles upon. A lady in such a situation would certainly greatly appreciate (and love) a good husband and father for her children.

Of course, when entering a marriage, compatibility and similar understanding of your deen is of tantamount importance. As to "hiding" the fact that you can not have children, would, as you already realize, be wrong and unfair to your prospective wife. So, pray for Allah's guidance, be aware of the options, be honest and may Allah grant you a happy marriage in the near future!