Monday, July 26, 1999
QUESTION # 1
Assalamalykum. I saw your site and I need all the help I can
get. I have met a girl. We have been talking for months and we
are now in love and want to get married. However, there is a
problem. She is 2 years older than me. We are from Bangladesh,
and our parents stay very strictly to the culture. It is frowned
upon in the culture for a man to marry an older woman. However,
I do know that the Prophet (PBUH) married Khadija who was twice
his age. So from that I take it that it is permitted in islam.
I need your advice. We are very much in love and want to be married
soon, but we are afraid of what our parents might say or do.
We feel as though we can't be with anyone else and it would be
best for everyone if we get married. What do you think we should
-Need all the help I can get
Dear "Need all the help I can get"
I think you should strive to get married!
As you have mentioned in your letter, marrying an "older"
lady is certainly not prohibited in Islam. With the shining example
of OUR BELOVED PROPHET (saw) as our standard, there should not
be a problem on this issue.
Present your feelings to your parents
in a respectful way while also mentioning the many good qualities
you feel you both could bring to a marriage. Hopefully, they
will be touched by your sincerity and strong feelings on the
matter and be supportive of the marriage. After all, two years
hardly makes for an "older woman". My prayers and best
wishes are with you.
QUESTION # 2
I have lived in the west all my life and many non-believing
women have found me attractive but alhamdulillah I have never
accepted their propositions. I seek marriage but cannot find
a Muslim lady who meets my expectations in lifestyle. I do not
like children and am a bit of a
loose cannon which is usually frowned upon in Muslim cultures.
How can I meet an independent, free spirited, but still devout
womn for marriage?
-Seeking marriage unsuccessfully
Dear "Seeking marriage unsuccessfully"
I commend you for seeking marriage and
not an improper relationship. There are many Muslim ladies out
there seeking marriage. I don't know how long you have been looking.
These things do take time.
I would encourage you to reconsider
your attitude regarding children, this is after all, one of the
reasons for marriage. (It is not required that you have any set
number.) I'm not exactly sure what you mean by a "loose
canon", but Islam is not against having a "good time"
or being spontaneous. The Prophet (saw) encouraged spending time
with one's wife doing things that both can enjoy.
You mentioned that you have lived in
the west all your life. Perhaps a Muslimah who has lived all
or most of her life in the west would be most compatible. I do
hope however, that you would not expect your prospective wife
to give up the "ways of Islam" either inwardly or outwardly
(i.e. hijab, or proper covering of her body.) As Muslims, in
a multicultural environment, our STANDARD is still QUR'AN and
SUNNAH (the example of the Prophet).
So, keep looking, remain on the "siratul
mustaqeem", and you will find your wife Insha'Allah. Fi-aman-illah.