Zawaj.com Humor Files 
Zawaj.com Humor Files: 10 Good Reasons to Marry a Muslim
Muslim names are cool. Imagine shouting, “Zahratun Nisa (Women-Flower)! Get down from those monkey bars this instant!”
Zawaj.com’s Islamic Humor Files
I came across this rather silly article on elanthemag.com, a website that bills itself as “the guide to global Muslim youth culture.” I’m not sure who the target audience is for the article – maybe it’s directed at young Muslims who are susceptible to marrying non-Muslims? It’s not an article meant to be taken seriously, so I have classified it under Zawaj.com’s Humor Files.
Here you go:
10 Good Reasons to Marry a Muslim
by Fareeda Ahmed
elanthemag.com
11/5/09 – 2:24 PM
Single ladies and bachelors, listen up! The world is melting! Nationality is just not what it was before. In a world where we can have wars on intangible forces (“terror,” “obesity,”…”Hannah Montana”) it’s clear that borders just don’t mean what they used to. This post-modern nationless world, coupled with the rise of intermarriage – aka “people-flower cross-pollinization,” – has rendered the question “so where are you from?” as obsolete as “so, when was your last polio vaccination?” or “How ‘bout them Crusades?”
Always the trendsetters, Muslims as a people have helped propagate this blurring of borderlines since their emergence from the deserts of Saudi 1,600 years ago – Islam spread as its followers travelled, and its singles mingled with indigenous populations. As a result, Muslims are all over the globe today. And the trend is growing. Muslim genes are spreading faster than viral videos, and it’s not the broadband (though that might be part of it…internet dating, etc).
So are you looking for a long-term relationship? Don’t fight it, people. You read about us in the news every single day – we’re freakin’ famous! Come and melt with us! Give you one good reason? Sure thing! Here are 10 good reasons to marry a Muslim.
1. Cool Kids’ names – Muslim names are awesome! Don’t get me wrong. I think John, and Jackson, and Bob are all nice names…but when your kids’ names are Jahangir (conquerer of the world), Jalal-ud-Din (the majesty of religion), and Bahar Bano (blooming princess), you’ll be itching for them to fall off the swings so you can yell their names proudly across the playground. i.e. Zahratun Nisa (Women-Flower) ! Get down from those monkey bars this instant!
2. In with the In-Crowd– Get with it! Muslims are the second-largest religious community in the world. Join the club! Loser.
2a. Diversify Your Gene Portfolio – Tagging onto #2 – the world Muslim population is enormously diverse and varied. It’s sort of like a Whole Foods buffet for genes – you get a little Chinese, a little Italian, and some North African too.
3. Wedding of Your Dreams – Small courthouse ceremony? Or awesome wedding extravaganza with bejeweled camels and a weeklong music and dance festival. (And here’s one way to do it without breaking the bank!)
4. Instant Celebrity– What other group of people is in the news more? Your choices are basically: join a reality tv show (hello psuedo-celebrity Apprentice), become Barack Obama, get fake lost in a flying balloon and hide in your parents’ attic…or become Muslim! If you want to be talked about – Muslim is the way to go!
5. Pull the “M” Card– people have lots of misconceptions about Islam. While we all do our duty to educate them about fasting, prayer, and our traditions, another boon of marrying a Muslim is you get to psych them out too – like, “oh what’s that? That huge paper is due on Monday? Oh right, well that’s a religious holiday for me, a Muslim one. No can do. Sorry.” Or “I’m so bummed I can’t eat that delicious looking roasted intestine sausage link. I’m fasting. What’s that? Yeah, it started uhh right now, like 5 minutes ago. Whattashame.” Or “Oh…heyyyy…..how are…you……yeah, I totally meant to call you, but phones are against my religion.”
6. Family Drama and Not Just Yo’ Mamma– Think you’ve got family drama with your 2 evil cousins and weird uncle? Marry into a Muslim family and you’ve just entered stage-right of a saga of epic proportions, complete with evil eyes, cursing of generations, and ancestral feuds. Plenty of fodder if you’re a writer…or a therapist.
7,8,9 &10. You totally thought I was going to list something about ”multiple wives,” didn’t you? Didn’t you? Like saving on wedding expenses by doing 4 brides-in-1, or creating a dynasty of little you’s in one-quarter the time. You were just waiting for it, weren’t you?
Well, sorry, I couldn’t resist: Reasons 7,8,9, &10 = Wives 1,2,3 & 4.
Polygamy: expanding the Muslim empire since 600AD.
You’re welcome, World.
Zawaj.com Humor Files: The Old Man, the Little Boy and the Donkey
A Palestinian native of Bethlehem on his Donkey. This color photochrome print was created between 1890 and 1900 in West Bank.
The Old Man, the Little Boy and the Donkey
Goha and his small grandson were on the way to market. Goha had a bad hip, so he rode their donkey while the little boy walked beside him. Presently they passed some women on their way home from the market. One of the women said, “Look at that old man riding while his little grandson walks. He has no compassion for the young. Shameful!”
Goha heard this and felt embarrassed, so he said to his grandson, “You must be tired. Why don’t you ride for a while, and I will walk?”
Presently they passed some elderly men who were sitting around drinking coffee and playing backgammon. One of them said, “Look at that boy riding, while his old grandfather limps. Were is the respect for the elders? That boy has been badly raised.”
Again Goha felt embarrassed. He said, “Let’s ride together for a while.” So they both rode the donkey.
Soon they passed a man in religious robes who said to them, “Salam my friends. Don’t you know that even animals have rights in Islam? You are burdening that poor animal with your combined weight.”
Finally Goha decided that they would both walk, in order to give the donkey some rest. They both trudged along beside the donkey, the old man limping and the boy complaining that his feet hurt. As they passed a group of young men who were loitering and watching passers-by, one of the men exclaimed, “Look at those fools walking while they have a perfectly good donkey! Are they afraid of heights?” And all the young men laughed.
The moral is clear: Altering your behavior to please other people is futile. No matter what you do, someone will always find fault. Do what you feel is right, and stick to it.
Zawaj.com Humor Files: Goha is Asked to Pray for Rain
A young child holds an umbrella as Kashmiri Muslim pilgrims pray in the rain in Srinagar, Kashmir.
Editor’s Note: Some call him Goha or Joha, the Turks call him Hodja, while the Perisans call him Mollah or Nasrullah. Regardless of what you call him, this wise, mysterious and sarcastic figure has been a fixture of Middle Eastern stories for centuries.
Goha is Asked to Pray for Rain
There was a terrible drought. After a long deliberation, the villagers decided to approach Goha, who was known to work miracles on occasion, and ask for his intervention in bringing the rain.
The whole community went over to Goha’s hut and the elders stated their request.
“Sorry”, said Goha. “There will be no miracle because you have no faith.”
“But Goha, how can you say that?” said the villagers. “After all, is it not our faith that brought us to your door, begging for help?
“If you really had faith,” said Goha, “You would have come with umbrellas.”
Jokes: The Humor of Getting Old
The older you get, the longer your arms have to get to read
Zawaj.com’s Islamic Humor Files:
The Humor of Getting Old
Of course as Muslims we have the greatest respect for our elders. But there’s humor in everything, so I’d like to share some of these light-hearted jokes about getting old.
Romance?
Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.
A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To the bathroom to get my teeth,” he replied.
***
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’
’98,’ she replied, ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded , ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?
***
Caution: senior crossing ahead
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
***
Not exactly how to use an abs roller
Hard of Hearing
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there’s a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
“Here’s what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal onversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
So that evening she’s in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room, and he says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?”
No response.
So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?”
No response.
On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?”.
No response.
So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?”
“For the fifth time, CHICKEN!”
***
Adjusting to retirement
I sure have gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia… Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But, thank goodness, I still have my driver’s license.
***
Can’t stand on their own two feet
Getting a Workout
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
***
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
***
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
***
It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
***
These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, ‘ For fast relief.’
***
Three Elderly Sisters
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on the wooden table for good luck. She then replies, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s knocking at the door.”
***
What you measure as you get older
The Senility Prayer
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
“They never call”
Entertainment for seniors: movie and pharmacy combined
Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Always remember this: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing!
Joke: Woman goes shopping at the husband store
Joke: wife goes shopping at the husband store
Zawaj.com’s Islamic Humor Files
Shopping at the Husband Store
I first spotted this joke on Ummah1 and then looked it up and found that it’s widely circulated on the internet. I have adapted it slightly for a Muslim audience:
A brand new store has just opened that sells husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the husbands increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any husband from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.
So, a Muslim woman goes to the Husband Store to find a Muslim husband.
- The 1st floor sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men have good Islamic character.
- The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men have good character and good jobs.
- The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have good character, jobs, and love children.
- “Alhamdulillah,” the woman thinks, “These are some good prospects.” But she thinks she can do better and and she feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
- Floor 4: These men have good character, jobs, love children and are extremely handsome.
- “Oh, SubhanAllah!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it! I have to see what else is up there!”
- She goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men have good character, jobs, love children, are extremely handsome, help with the housework, and are romantic and tender.
- She is so tempted to stay, she doesn’t want to settle if there’s something even better. She goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor 6: You are visitor 1,500,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that you are impossible to please. Please exit on your right.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that are beautiful and love sex, but have no other redeeming qualities.
The 2nd, 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.
Zawaj.com Humor Files: Mullah Nasruddin makes a beggar climb
Okay, so these stairs really go up the Templo V Mayan pyramid in Mexico, but they illustrate this story well!
Zawaj.com’s Islamic Humor Files
Mullah Nasruddin Makes a Beggar Climb
Editor’s Note: Some call him Goha or Joha, the Turks call him Hodja, while the Persians and Afghanis call him Mollah, Nasrullah or Mullah Nasruddin. Regardless of what you call him, this wise, mysterious and sarcastic figure has been a fixture of Middle Eastern stories for centuries.
One day Nasruddin was up on the roof of his house, repairing some broken tiles that were letting the rain leak through. He was not happy about being on the roof, as he was afraid of heights, and he worried about climbing on his rickety ladder.
As he was working, a stranger knocked on the door. Nasruddin heard the knock and shouted out, “What do you want?”
“Come down please” replied the stranger. “I wish to talk to you in person.”
“Just tell me!” said Nasruddin.
“Please won’t you come down,” the man said. “I only need a moment.”
Nasruddin slowly and fearfully climbed down the ladder, grumbling to himself.
“Well,” Nasruddin said when he got to the bottom. “What’s so important?”
“Could you give a little money to this poor old man?” said the stranger. “You can see that I am hungry and poor.”
Exasperated, Nasruddin started to climb up the ladder and said, “Follow me up to the roof. But be careful, as the ladder is old and rickety.”
With some hesitation, and looking quite worried, the beggar climbed the ladder. When both Nasruddin and beggar were upside, on the roof, Nasruddin said, “No.”
Are You Ready for Children? A Quick Test
Are you ready for this? Children can make HUGE messes.
From the Zawaj.com Humor Files:
Are You Ready for Children? A Quick Test
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Little girl fell asleep while eating
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child`s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
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Zawaj.com Humor Files: 10 Good Reasons to Marry a Muslim
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Zawaj.com Humor Files: The Old Man, the Little Boy and the Donkey
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Zawaj.com Humor Files: Goha is Asked to Pray for Rain
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Jokes: The Humor of Getting Old
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Joke: Woman goes shopping at the husband store
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Zawaj.com Humor Files: Mullah Nasruddin makes a beggar climb
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Are You Ready for Children? A Quick Test
