The older you get, the longer your arms have to get to read

Zawaj.com’s Islamic Humor Files:

The Humor of Getting Old

Of course as Muslims we have the greatest respect for our elders. But there’s humor in everything, so I’d like to share some of these light-hearted jokes about getting old.

Romance?
Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.

A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To the bathroom to get my teeth,” he replied.

***

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

‘How old was your husband?’
’98,’ she replied, ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded , ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

***

Caution: senior crossing ahead

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.

She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

***

Not exactly how to use an abs roller

Hard of Hearing
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there’s a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
“Here’s what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal onversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

So that evening she’s in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room, and he says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

“Honey, what’s for supper?”

No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?”

No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?”

No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?”.

No response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?”

“For the fifth time, CHICKEN!”

***

Adjusting to retirement

I sure have gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia… Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But, thank goodness, I still have my driver’s license.

***

Can’t stand on their own two feet

Getting a Workout

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

***

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

***

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

***

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

***

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, ‘ For fast relief.’

***

Three Elderly Sisters

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses. She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocks on the wooden table for good luck. She then replies, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s knocking at the door.”

***

What you measure as you get older

The Senility Prayer

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

“They never call”

Entertainment for seniors: movie and pharmacy combined

Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! Always remember this: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing!