Tag archive for ‘sex in marriage’

Top 5 Complaints of Wives and What to Do About Them

Top 5 Complaints of Wives and What to Do About Them

By Haleh Banani, M.A. Clinical Psychology
Reprinted from MuslimMatters.org

Coming soon: Win His Heart: A Psychological Approach for WOMEN

Muslim woman at the beach

Every man dreams of having a woman who can please him on many different levels. One that fulfills his desires, stimulates him intellectually and soars with him to new spiritual heights. A unique woman that will not only be a source of comfort, but also a source of strength.

It is very easy to dream and have expectations of your spouse but what do YOU have to do in order to attract a woman with these qualities and keep her giving at that level?

Generally, men are quite puzzled by women. They are not sure what to do or say to please the women in their lives. Whatever they do seems to get them in trouble. Since most men have this confusion, they simply stop trying.

This lack of effort from men creates frustration and discontentment. Most women feel extremely dissatisfied in their marriages. Within my practice as a marriage therapist, I have heard from dozens of women who have a long list of complaints about their husbands. These complaints lead to deep rooted unhappiness and many times divorce.

Top 5 complaints of women about their husbands

  1. Communication
  2. Financial issues
  3. Sex
  4. Lack of compassion
  5. Too strict/too jealous

Almost every couple I have ever done marriage counseling with has complained about problems in communication. Most of the time women complain that their husband does not share his feelings, he shuts off, he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t know how to ask for what he wants in a diplomatic way.

Lack of communication or miscommunication is the bulk of the problem in most marriages. If people don’t know how to get their message across, how to listen or how to resolve conflicts they will face perpetual problems in their lives. Here are some suggestions in effective communication skills:

  1. Make I statements…. never start the sentence with YOU. Say: “I feel neglected when you don’t prepare dinner” rather than saying, “You never prepare dinner.”
  2. Always keep your voice down and refrain from name calling.
  3. Seek first to understand then to be understood. Tough one, but very effective!
  4. Share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse to make her feel a part of your world. Don’t shut her out or else she will feel extremely insecure and suspicious.
  5. Don’t give one word answers – try to elaborate and fulfill her need to know. She shows you she cares by asking many questions.
  6. Listen attentively – that means no checking emails while she talks and no watching T.V. Simply look in her eyes, listen and acknowledge her. Women loved to be looked at!
  7. Give your wife compliments on everything you like about her – she needs constant reassurance on her beauty, on your love for her, on her cooking. Say it again and again with a smile. It will never get old!
  8. Validate her feelings – say things to make her feel understood. Tell her you understand that she is sad, that she has a right to feel hurt or neglected. The worst thing you could ever do is tell a woman she is wrong to feel a certain way.
  9. Ask for things with gentleness and kindness without being harsh or demanding. If a woman feels like she is being told what to do and how to do it – she will resist. If she is asked kindly and made to feel special she will rush to do it to in order to fulfill her need to please others.
  10. Never compare her to anyone to get her to change. This is detrimental to the relationship, brings about hostility and a feeling of inadequacy. If you want her to improve in any given area compliment what she is already doing right.
The credit trap

Avoid getting into debt.

Financial Issues

Each person is brought up with different views and experiences with money. Some are brought up in affluent families that spend frivolously while others come from more modest backgrounds that are trained to save. When individuals with such striking differences unite there is bound to be tension and arguments. That is why money is one of the biggest reasons people fight and even get a divorce. Here are some suggestions for peacefully dealing with money issues.

  1. Learn about each other’s view of money. Become acquainted with their experience with money in order to better understand each other.
  2. Discuss openly issues or concerns you have about your financial situations.
  3. Avoid getting into debt at all cost. If you can’t afford it – just don’t buy it. Simple as that.
  4. Set a budget together and try your best to stick to it. If you slip, and go over the budget, quickly get back on track.
  5. Increase your knowledge about resolving financial problems by reading books, attending seminars or listening to CDs.
  6. Be honest and never hide or deceive your partner about financial issues because it could really damage the trust.
  7. Try to compromise and come up with a win/win solution when you disagree.
  8. Agree to disagree.
  9. Consider the pros and cons of having a two house income or even having a part time job that can help alleviate the financial burden.
  10. Save….Save….Save! You never know what the future holds so always be prepared.

Sex

The area of a couple’s life which offers the most potential for embarrassment, hurt, and rejection is sex. The majority of couples I have done therapy with have had issues in this area of their life. It is such an essential part of the marriage and yet very few couples ever talk about it. The goal of sex is to be closer, to have more fun, to feel satisfied, and to feel valued and accepted in this very tender area of your marriage. “Your wives are a tilth unto you; so go to your tilth when or how you will.” [Qur’an 2:223] Here are some suggestions to having a more satisfying sex life.

  1. Fulfill your wife emotionally so that she can be receptive to you. Women shut off sexually if they don’t feel loved, appreciated or desired.
  2. Set the mood…light candles, make dinner, give a massage, get flowers or anything that makes her feel special and loved.
  3. Prolong foreplay. Make sure she is ready.
  4. Take your time and don’t rush her.
  5. Share your likes and dislikes in a gentle, positive way making her feel safe. Instead of saying you never do such and such say: I loved it when you…..or I would love it if you would….
  6. Never criticize or make fun when getting intimate.
  7. Always accentuate the positive – make your suggestions in a way that you are making a good thing even better. Even if you are dissatisfied don’t let her feel it.
  8. When receiving your partner’s request, try not to see it as criticism. Have the attitude of a professional chef that is not insulted if a customer doesn’t crave a particular meal, but makes accommodations that will satisfy the customer’s palate.
  9. Make her feel attractive and desired. The more you give her compliments, the more confident she will feel which will help her to relax and enjoy.
  10. Make sure you try to fulfill her first in order to create a strong, positive association to intimacy.

Lack of Compassion

Muslim couple sitting close togetherMen have different ways of expressing their feelings and emotions. Some express their love and concern for the family by simply working hard and providing the very best. They feel that the time they spend at work is an emotional deposit because they are putting so much effort so that their family can be comfortable. Unfortunately, this form of expression of love is generally not sufficient for most women. Women expect the men in their lives to connect with them on an emotional level, provide support and have fun together. “The best of you are those who are the best to their wives.” (at-Tirmidhi)

Here are some suggestions in showing compassion so that you can connect with your wife on an emotional level.

  1. Tell your wife you love her daily – don’t make it just a once a year event.
  2. Never enter or leave the house without a proper greeting. Let her feel that you are happy to see her and that you will miss her when you leave.
  3. Make daily deposits in your emotional bank account with your wife by being understanding, forgiving, cooperative and by using words of endearment.
  4. Call your wife or send sweet messages during the day. “…And live with them in kindness…” (Nisaa 4:19)
  5. Eat at least one meal a day together and spend time sharing what you have done.
  6. Give lots of compliments.
  7. If she is feeling sad or angry, show her love and compassion by hugging her. If she says she doesn’t want to talk about it, she doesn’t mean it… you just have to insist sweetly.
  8. Learn to apologize. Even if you were not wrong apologize for making her feel bad. Win her heart not the argument! Amazing what two little words (I’m sorry) can do.
  9. Get her gifts and flowers so she feels that you thought of her. It doesn’t have to be something expensive – just a gesture that you were thinking of her. “And do good. Truly, Allah loves the good-doers.” (Baqara 2:195)
  10. Be supportive and helpful with the kids. Offer to take care of the kids while she does something (anything) for herself. If she has the chance to recharge she will be a much better wife and a nicer mom!

Too Strict or Too Jealous

It is understandable that a man feels responsible for his wife and wants to make sure that she does not exceed beyond the boundaries that Allah has established. “Everyone of you is a guardian and responsible for those in his charge; the man, in his home, is a guardian and responsible for his household.” (Bukhari and Muslim). It takes diplomacy and gentleness to set guidelines without coming across as too strict and unreasonable. It is always a little flattering when a husband becomes jealous, but when it becomes excessive it is unhealthy and a source of stress for women. There needs to be mutual trust and respect in order to live in harmony and peace. Here are some suggestions for maintaining boundaries without being too strict or too jealous.

  1. Be a spouse to your wife not a father. Don’t treat her like a little girl with a long list of rules. If you treat her like a child she will act like one.
  2. Give her space to make decisions – if you hold her too tight she will feel suffocated.
  3. Respect her and treat her like a partner not an employee.
  4. Trust her – don’t interrogate her for every little thing. Gently ask questions.
  5. Be reasonable in setting boundaries – if you are too strict she will either resent you or not abide by them when you are not around.
  6. Don’t assume anything – check your assumptions and verify before accusing her of anything.
  7. Be kind and understanding so that your wife will happily try to please you. Don’t be a harsh dictator that needs to be overthrown.
  8. If she dresses or acts inappropriately just talk to her, educate her and help her to understand. Make her feel that you are concerned about her. Never be forceful.
  9. Try to make excuses when she falls short.
  10. Be playful with your spouse if you feel some jealousy. Make her feel how much you are attracted to her, how appealing she is to you that you simply don’t want to share her. This will flatter her and make it more likely that she will be more careful.

When you become more sensitive to the needs of your wife and you put effort in supporting her and connecting with her you will reap the rewards of having a more content wife. A happier wife means a happier home which means more peace and tranquility for you. By becoming more aware of these common complaints and implementing the suggestions you will definitely score big with the woman in your life!

Tagged as: , , , , , ,

One Question that Could Save Your Marriage

Muslim couple and baby, at a restaurantBy Maria Zain freelance editor, writer – Malaysia
Some editing by Zawaj.com

(Zawaj.com Editor’s note: this article is written by a Muslim woman and is primarily directed at women, but all the advice written here can be applied to men as well).

“Who knew marriage could be so difficult?” asked Sara. “One day you’re this care-free woman, pretty selfish and self-indulgent. Next you have a roomie – and one that is supposed to share that room with you for the rest of your life!”

“We were living on top of each other,” she added,

“Everyone has disagreements – big and small – and we’re all supposed to handle them in some way or another.”

All married couples experience difficulties. Learning to disagree can be one of the hardest but most rewarding experiences in a marriage. Even more rewarding is resolving these disagreements and keeping unhappiness at bay.

Prolonged disagreements could mean there is a chronic problem between spouses, and could ultimately lead to unhappiness. Marriage counselors reveal that this unhappiness is sometimes caused by a one’s expectations of their spouse not being met.

But would you be surprised to learn that there is one key question that can go a long way toward solving hidden problems in a marriage, and aiding marriage communication?

“What Could I do to Make You Happy?”

If you are going through a rough patch with your spouse, and really want to solve the problem, try asking him or her:

“What could I do to make you happy?”

“When the counselor at the masjid asked me to ask my husband that question, I thought, ‘no way!’” exclaimed Maryam, an excited and expectant first time mother.

“I’m hormonal and vulnerable. I just hoped he’d shrug like he would normally do rather than say anything at all!”

Plenty of women find themselves in the same position as Maryam when dealing with answers to this question. Therefore, find a quiet moment, after the children have gone to bed, and living-in parents or other family members have vanished into their corners of their lives. Make sure both of you are relaxed and perhaps you could prepare two mugs of hot cocoa.

And the ambience helped Maryam:

“He was at surprised at the question, so I allowed myself to explain my feelings that led me to ask him about his happiness,” she said.

“He did need some coaxing to reveal his feelings so I kept it lighthearted, and showed that I really wanted to listen.”

It was difficult at first for Maryam, but she realized that there were not that many things that were causing a rift between them, and they could be easily resolved.

The key is to ask the question sincerely and calmly, with no resentment, and no defensiveness. Try to put your partner at ease, and then truly hear what he/she has to say. Don’t argue. Just listen.

Every husband is different so each scenario will be different, but here are some common issues that could hit familiar chords.

It Could be (the lack of) Your Sex Life

Muslim couple enjoying an evening together“Yes it was the lack of sex,” admitted Sara, working mother of three.

“I am actually surprised that he took this long to let me know because I was getting frustrated too. We were always busy, and when there was enough time to spend together, we would end up snoring within the first five minutes if we were lucky. Or we would be complaining about work or the kids, and ultimately end up bickering.”

Intimacy is not always easy to achieve especially in today’s busy world, but if it is lacking, it can set sirens off in your relationship.

“When he said he missed us as a couple before the children, we decided it was time to cut back on the working hours and spend more time with the kids. At the same time, we could also send them on playgroups without feeling too guilty (as if we were neglecting them).”

“That took a load off,” Sara said,

“We had more time to be together. Not just for sexual intimacy but to ‘date’. We could actually talk to each other without feeling grouchy or exhausted. It felt like we were newlyweds again, even if it was just for two hours a week – and then our son would then come back with a poopy nappy.”

Not everyone has the flexibility that Sara and her husband has. Sometimes it takes a little more planning. A weekend away from responsibilities or setting a new schedule for date night could just do the trick.

For Nadia it was a little more complicated.

“I had a bad birthing experience with my fifth child, and I had not realized it had affected me sexually until my husband brought it up.”

“He felt that I was holding back and was feeling ashamed of my body,” she said.

“That’s when I broke down and told him that I had felt humiliated during the last birth and no longer sexually attractive.”

“He was shocked,” she continued, “because he had no qualms about my physical appearance even though I had changed so much since before the babies started coming.”

Nadia’s husband arranged for her to meet with a psychiatrist on her own, and later they attended as a couple. After a few months it resolved the issue and Nadia realized that she too had been unhappy.

Other problems can affect sexual well-being, such as female-related infections. If you find that the lack of intimacy is affecting your marriage, then this is the time to work out the problem.

A healthy sex life revolves around a couple who actively look forward to intimacy and both enjoy it and get pleasure from it.

He Wants to Be the Man

A Muslim couple talking“My parents always had high expectations of me,” said Sara, “… and for some reason this included climbing the corporate ladder and hiring a housekeeper to do the ‘woman’s’ jobs around the house.”

“They groomed me to be as good as the boys; en par with my brothers; and an equal breadwinner with my husband.”

Sara realized that though these were amiable traits, she was becoming more of an identical being of the household rather than a complementary one to her husband. At some point she was taking over a lot of responsibility that her husband would have liked to shoulder.

“He asked me: ‘if I wore a skirt and lip gloss, would that be okay with you?’ I did not need much convincing after that.”

If your husband feels that he is losing grip of his position as the head of the family, think about it – have you been trying to replicate his role, instead of assuming your important one as the consultant, advisor and nurturer of the family? Generally speaking, women have a lot to shoulder, without prying for the role of the alpha-male!

“So when I started to cut back on my work hours, I began to realize how fun it was to enjoy my children. I could also start grooming myself for the home… and the best thing is: I found nothing demeaning about it. I even wore a skirt once, and it really won me points. I guess he really wanted to be the person to wear the trousers around the house, and I had to respect that. I did, and I love being his consultant and advisor.”

Being feminine is not secondary to being a man – after all, beauty and elegance are what differentiate women from men.

“I am the only woman he is allowed to look at – I might as well make it a rewarding experience for him,” said Sara!

He Never Wants to Feel Abandoned

So, first he needs you to be feminine and beautiful, but he also needs the assurance that you will support him during the times he needs you most. Yes, men can be delightfully complex.

“While I was going through post-partum stress, my husband was shortchanged for a promotion – one he had been eyeing for three years,” recalled Nadia.

“I was so self-absorbed in trying to bond with my fifth baby, and getting over the birth stress. I never realized that he was going through a rough patch too.”

“While talking about his insecurities,” she said, “I realized how strong a woman I was, and how much he needed me. That experience helped me overcome my low self-esteem and post-partum depression and reconnect with the father of my five beautiful children.”

It takes a really big man to ask from help from the women he cares about the most; and who better to support him than his life partner, the person who he wishes to protect, and the woman who shares his home and children with.

He Needs to Know He is Appreciated

“Waheed was psyched up when he found out we were expecting. He bent over backwards with overtime, started piling on gifts for the baby, and bought me plenty of books on childcare.”

“Of course, I did not notice. I was too busy being pregnant myself.”

Happy Muslim familyMaryam said she felt the world revolved around her to the extent that she could not be bothered with anyone else’s feelings.

“Hormones… blame it on the hormones!” she giggles, but when Waheed began to become distant in the second trimester, she felt suddenly alone and neglected.

“He said he was not sure if he would still exist after the baby came. I thought he was crazy, but after a while I knew he was right. I had never said ‘thank you’ to him for anything he had done. I just assumed he had to buy me all those gifts and buy the baby all the gear.”

“Tell him that you appreciate him,” advised Maryam. “Al-hamdu lillahI realize now. Who knows how bad the situation would have become if I had only realized after the baby came. We would have another roomie, who would only express dissatisfaction through screams!”

Finding Answers to His Answers

“It can be an eye-opener when a husband spills his insecurities to his wife,” said Sara. “It was for me!”

It can be harrowing pick up the pieces, but working on them can ultimately save your marriage. Of course if he says, “the house is never clean,” try not to scream at him. It definitely is not dissatisfaction in you, but maybe he just needs a few pointers on how the conversation is supposed to shape up. But set it aside as an afterthought, and work on ways to perhaps make the house a little more presentable if it really is in shambles.

If it is possible, check back with him in a few weeks, and ask him how he feels about your efforts.

“Try to point out a few examples of your efforts to give both of you a better picture,” said Maryam.

“We spent an evening going over a list of baby names. It was hilarious and at the same time very settling. Waheed finally said he felt like he was pregnant too. It’s a shame I can’t load off my water retention on him though.”

Of course satisfaction and dissatisfaction work both ways – and the good news is, so does communication. If there is something bothering you in your relationship, you also have the right to speak to him from the heart. Tell him about things that are making you unhappy in your relationship – and do this sincerely, rather than out of spite. Just because he points out a few things that makes him unhappy, it does not give you the license the gun him down with your own list of faults.

“Just because he is upset about a few things in your marriage,” says Nadia, “It does not mean that he does not love you. By the very fact that he wants to talk about them (even with a bit of probing) shows he genuinely wants to work his way out of the rut – and he really does care.”

And by the fact that you took the time to listen and work on his insecurities – it shows that you love him too. It just takes that one question to help you save your marriage – and it is that one question that will help both of you to achieve happiness, and rekindle the loving relationship both of you are vying for.

——————————-

Written for IslamOnline.net

Maria Zain is a freelance editor and writer living in Malaysia. While her evenings and nights are spent supporting different Muslim communities through her work, she shares her life with her husband and three busy little children below the age of five, whom she homeschools during the day.

Tagged as: , , , , , ,