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All About South African Muslim Weddings, Part 1
All About South African Muslim Weddings, Part 1
By Zeenat Mowzer
Reprinted from w24.co.za
The first entry of a three-part series telling you everything you need to know about Muslim weddings in South Africa.
Although they share a religion, cultural customs differ between Muslims from various countries or demographic groups. Because of this, each Muslim community will have a unique set of wedding festivities. In South Africa, most of these festivities are inspired by Indian and Cape Malay traditions.
Over the next few weeks, we will give you the low-down of South African Muslim weddings – from the proposal, right up until the couple’s photo shoot.
For now, we chat about pre-wedding events, the ceremony and attire.
Pre-wedding events
Although it can be overwhelming to have a romantic proposal that gives you all the feels, that often doesn’t happen in the Muslim community. This is mainly because Islamic rules place limitations on the interaction between unmarried males and females – even if they do consider themselves an item.
Because of this, proposals are typically formal and can sometimes be business-like. The groom visits the bride’s father’s home to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage. This can be nerve-racking for the poor guy, which explains why he may have a few family members in tow for moral support. The bride makes the final call, and if it’s a yes, the celebrations can begin.
Indian Muslim families host a ritual called a mangla, which announces to the couple’s extended family that they will be getting married. At this event, the groom once again visits the bride and her family, although this could be at a hall rather than her home. A high tea is usually the order of the day at a mangla.
The engagement party is a separate occasion, normally hosted by the bride and her family. At this event, Indian Muslim brides sport traditional garb such as punjabis, ghararas or saris. At the engagement party venue, the bride sits on a stage in front of all her guests as she waits for her groom to arrive.
Just before he makes his entrance, his family brings in a variety of beautifully wrapped “engagement parcels” for the bride. In very conservative families, these parcels are made up of Eastern sweet meats and fabric (which she is expected to take to her local dressmaker). The parcels are exhibited on tables. It’s almost like they’re artifacts at a museum.
A typical groom’s entrance involves a suit-clad chap on his best behavior, slowly walking to the sound of a Bollywood ballad. In his hand is a bouquet of flowers, which he gifts to the bride on the stage.
What’s more important than the flowers though, is the revealing of the bride’s engagement ring. A confident “Yes!”, or a tearful nod of the head, is a Non-muslim groom’s cue to slip the ring onto the bride’s finger. However, female family members of an Indian Muslim groom put the ring on for the bride, along with other jewelry.
It doesn’t end there. Some Indian Muslim families really do love to turn weddings into an all-week extravaganza. This means that the engagement party occasionally happens in the week of the wedding. There could be a social gathering every other night during that week, perhaps a braai, a family dinner or even a karaoke evening.
An affair that the ladies look forward to is the henna evening. As the name implies, henna is applied for the bride at this event. In certain families, old (and often tone-deaf) aunties sing Indian songs for the bride as she has her henna done. It’s not always the most melodious music to listen to, but shame, they mean well.
Cape Malay families on the other hand are not as big on pre-wedding events. They don’t regularly have week-long celebrations, but they do make an event of taking the bride’s clothes over to her new home.
She and her family pack her clothes in decorative boxes, sometimes tied with a ribbon. Before leaving the bride’s home, a prayer is conducted. The groom’s family is on standby to welcome the bride’s family at the couple’s home-to-be, and offer them refreshments.
Muslim Wedding Ceremony (Nikah)
A Muslim wedding ceremony is most commonly known by its Arabic term, nikkah. (Zawaj.com Editorś note: it should more properly be spelled nikah, with one k). The nikkah typically happens at a mosque, on the morning of the wedding day, before the reception. However, some Muslim couples do away with tradition, by opting to have it at their reception venue, or in the afternoon.
Before the nikkah, the bride’s home is full of life, with little cousins, grandmothers and aunties, walking in and out of the bride’s room to try and help her get ready. Sometimes it all gets a bit too much for the bride, and she is left with no choice but to lock her door.
The bride herself has no role to play in her wedding ceremony, as the nikkah is essentially a procedure whereby the groom accepts a proposal from the bride’s father, to marry her to him. Because of this, many brides choose not to go to their nikkah, and await their groom at their home, or in a hall close to the mosque.
Nevertheless, more and more brides are beginning to visit the mosque since the nikkah is what makes the marriage official, and they don’t want to miss that. Female guests keep the bride company, wherever she may be, while the male guests escort the groom.
Although this does not usually take the place of the wedding reception, light snacks and desserts are served at a small gathering after the nikkah. This is a rather emotional time for the couple because they see each other as husband and wife for the first time.
They share an intimate moment as they slide on each other’s wedding bands. The classic “you may kiss the bride” moment isn’t a rite of passage at a Muslim wedding, but he’ll probably give her a peck on the cheek or forehead.
Nikah Attire
In most cases, traditional religious or cultural garments are worn for the nikkah, and Western garments are donned for the reception. With the wide range of attire on show, weddings are like fashion parades with the bridal couple as the star act.
For the groom, traditional religious clothes would be a long, white robe, sometimes worn with a turban, or a hat known as a fez. In the Indian culture, it is customary for the groom to wear a kurta, an ensemble consisting of a long top and pants. He then changes in to a suit or tuxedo for the reception. Looking at his outfit changes, he pretty much goes from Sheik/Bollywood movie star to James Bond within a day.
The dress code for Muslim women obligates them to cover their entire bodies, although it’s fine for their face and hands to be exposed. This applies on their wedding day as well. Because the nikkah is the most sacred part of the wedding, most brides try to follow this dress code during the nikkah, but relax the rules at the reception.
Conventional religious apparel for a bride would be a headscarf and an abaya, which is also a long robe, yet more intricately embellished than that worn by the groom. Indian Muslim brides frequently wear detailed sari’s, accessorised by bold jewellery and dramatic eye makeup. Brides, who want to add a modern twist to their nikkah outfit, wear a formal dress, much like an evening gown.
The reception is the bride’s opportunity to transform herself into the fairytale princess that her 5-year-old self always dreamed of. Thus, Muslim brides normally wear a white Western wedding dress, which is majority of the time, more elaborate than their nikkah dress.
Most brides decide to have their wedding dress made by a resident dressmaker, recommended by her sister’s friend’s mother’s half-sister- or something like that. However, for added convenience or because of short time frames for wedding planning, brides may opt to buy a wedding dress from a bridal boutique.
Stay Tuned for Part 2!
How Muslim South African Cape Weddings Have Evolved
By Thakira Desai for Voice of the Cape
FEBRUARY 22, 2016
Cape Town, a canvas of amalgamated cultures, ethnicities, and religions, has over the years experienced many significant changes. With the commercialization of many regions of South Africa, Cape Town has transformed itself into a contemporary city. These changes are evident in the ever popular ‘wedding season’ which takes place across Cape Town during the summer season.
Weddings, specifically within the Muslim community, have adopted a much more ‘organized’ appeal. In previous times, guests knew what to expect; the food was pre-packaged; with meals consisting of chicken, salad – and, if you are lucky, a roll – a cool drink and an ice cream. The tables of guest were also traditionally served Konfyt and snacks.
Today, wedding guests are served five-course meals, with every aspect of the reception venue decorated.
A mother of a new bride, Aziza Allie, describes modern-day Cape Town weddings as “everything has to be a certain way.”
Weddings are big business
Within the Muslim community of Cape Town, couples are more readily usurping western culture. Where previously entire families assisted in the planning and execution of wedding ceremonies, today, it is found that the immediate family residing within the wedding home are the family members who provide assistance. These days, for the wealthy elite, there is also a wedding planner or wedding stylist.
Allie feels that the cost of hosting a wedding reception has increased drastically. The expenses required to host weddings ceremonies, ranging from between R25,000 to R250,000, are so high that many may say could be used instead to purchase a home.
Haniyah Davids, for example, started her own “wedding fund”, choosing to diminish the burden on her parents.
“My husband and I decided to save our money in one account and have a joint wedding. Weddings are so expensive and we really didn’t want to bother our families with money and organizing etc. I felt it worked out better because I had full control of the wedding, but at times I realized it was a costly burden to bear.”
The character of modern-day weddings Allie describes as ‘very stiff’. In contrast, weddings that occurred 30 years ago witnessed the vibrant singing of the cape-Malay Hollandse Liedjies (Dutch songs).
Numerous parents described the cost of modern-day weddings as ‘too’ exorbitant, deeming the reception an ‘unnecessary addition’ to wedding celebrations. Instead, they feel that the nikaah (Islamic wedding ceremony) is “all that is required” – perhaps accompanied with cake and tea for the immediate family. Allie further asserted the importance of the nikaah as the main ceremony of the day.
Allie beseeches couples to learn about marriage; specifically the Islamic aspect of marriage. Also stating that couples should never neglect learning about the deen (religion of islam), an aspect of marriage she regards as ‘vital’ to the overall success of a marriage.
The ‘huisbruid’
As catered weddings are on the increase, the culture of the ‘huisbruid’ appears to be a thing of the past. (Zawaj.com Editor’s note: I don’t know what a “huisbruid” is. I tried to look it up but couldn’t find anything. Does anyone know?).
Yasmina Jones Sawant, owner of Mina Moo and Baby, who is married for 11 years, met her husband whilst living abroad in London. The two decided to travel to South Africa and make nikaah. Not wanting to impose an unnecessary financial burden on their parents, the couple opted to host a ‘huisbruid’.
Sawant is of the opinion that the choice to host a big ceremony is a personal one. Whilst she prefers to have hosted an intimate ceremony, others may feel more inclined to host a glamorous wedding “with all the frills”.
Sawant recalls that previously family members “would be running around, washing up dishes, and serving wedding guests.” This makes them feel that they are part of something.
Today it could be said that the culture of weddings, with all the “extra trimmings”, appears to distract from the marriage itself – the most important contract that married couples enter into.
“They forget why they are actually getting married and how they are going to spend the rest of their life together,” says Sawant.
Weddings today provide both the family and the wedding couple with a leisurely experience. This has, however, removed from the experience the time spent bonding with family members in the planning stages of the wedding.
Sawant discourages individuals from placing a financial burden on themselves and their parents when planning their weddings, “instead, start a life you can build on, rather than, work for.”
Capturing those moments
An all important aspect of weddings is the ‘photo-shoot’, which could be described as a staple of weddings since the advent of photography. The owner of A&R Photography, Abubaker Abdullah, explains that Cape Town couples no longer wish to be photographed in Cape Town and Claremont gardens. Couples, instead, prefer more ‘alternate’ venues such as vineyards and farms.
Photography in general has altered the capturing of weddings; where previously couples captured one staged moment, couples today choose between hundreds of photos to be placed in a coffee-table book. With the advancement in technology, weddings are captured, moment by moment, from the Nikah to the ‘bruidskamer’.
Couples are, therefore, through the video-graphical lens, able to appreciate and absorb their special day.
Abdullah explained, that as a staple of wedding ceremonies, photographers charge various prices, ranging between R4 000 to R15 000 – depending on the number of photographers that the couple wishes to employ.
Whilst, videography services range between R10 000 to R15 000, depending on the couples preference of having both angles captured – yes, ‘both angles’!
As service providers, photographers are responsible for capturing what can only be described as a couple’s ‘most important day’.
Why we host a walima
Well known Cape Town aalim, Shaykh Abdurahman Alexander, explained that when the bridal couple marries, according to the shariah (Islamic law); it is Sunnah to host a walima. A walima refers to the celebration of the marriage and a celebration of the bridal couple.
The walima, according to Islam, is hosted after consummation has taken place. Within the Western Cape, however, it is common practice for a reception to be hosted after the nikah on the day of the wedding, prior to consummation of the marriage.
The preferred rule according to scholars, however, is to host a feast after consummation has taken place since consummation indeed calls for a celebration.
An important purpose of the walima is the ‘publicizing’ of the marriage.
The walima holds great esteem within the religion of Islam, to the Extent that the Prophet Muhammad (May peace and blessings be upon Him) stated that if an individual is invited to a walima, the invitation should not be declined. [al-Bukhaari]
Shaykh Alexander further notes that the religion of Islam discourages individuals from placing themselves in financial difficulty when hosting a wedding reception or walima.
The Prophet Muhammad [May peace and blessing be upon Him] is reported to have said that “The most blessed nikaah is the nikaah with the least expenditure”. [Bayhaqi]
Importantly, Islam encourages individuals not to restrict the invitation list to the rich and elite within the community, but rather extend the invitation to the poor as well.
The Shaykh, however, noted that one has the right to invite whomever one wishes, so much so that the Prophet Muhammad [May peace and blessing be upon Him] is reported to have said that “Whoever is not invited to a walima, and subsequently invades the ceremony, they are like thieves that break into homes at night.”
The Prophet Muhammad [May peace and blessing be upon Him] mentioned that one must not be wasteful and exorbitant about it; everyone can spend according to their means.
The dress requirement, specifically the dress code of the female, is the covering of the entire body, with the exception of the hands and face. It is however permissible that the bride adorns herself whilst preserving her modesty.
The guests of the couple – males and females – are expected to dress modestly according to the requirements of the shariah.
With regard to the separation of genders at the ceremony, Shaykh Alexander, asserts that the religion of Islam prescribes that no unnecessary intermingling between the two genders take place.
In certain areas of South Africa wedding ceremonies separate the genders with the use of a curtain. There is, however, “no hard-and-fast rule for this” within the Qur’an and Sunnah.
Certain individuals do, however, argue that the guests invited to a wedding are generally close relatives and therefore do not require the ‘parda’; the Shaykh however echoes the sentiments of the shariah which implores that no unnecessary intermingling should occur.
In modern times it is becoming prevalent for Muslim couples to adopt Hindu and western culture. The Shaykh asserts that if customs contradict the teachings of Islam and directly violate the Shariah, then these customs should be banned.
Islam, however, embraces customs that results in the bonding of family ties.
The importance of dowry
With the regard to the dawer, mahr, or the more commonly understood term, ‘maskavi’, the Shaykh explained that it is the first gift that the husband gives to his wife, and should not be considered the ‘purchase’ of a wife.
The mahr is mentioned in the Qur’an, where Allah says (which may mean): “And give the women their dowries with a good heart” [Qur’an 4:4]. This is the prerogative of the bride. It is, however, advised that brides not make unreasonable requests. Brides should therefore request the mahr according to the income of her groom.
It is narrated by Sahl bin Sad As-Sa’idi that one of the ashaab (companions) came to the Prophet Muhammad [May peace and blessing be upon Him] and said that he does not have anything to provide to his bride as mahr. The Prophet Muhammad [May peace and blessing be upon Him] asked him if he owns anything, he replied that he owned a small iron ring, which the Prophet Muhammad [May peace and blessing be upon Him] stated should be given as the mahr.
The Shaykh, who has been performing nikaah’s since 1985, explained that the mahr can therefore be anything of value, in the form of money, property, or in the form of a university degree. The Shaykh further noted that in a ceremony, over which he presided, the bride requested that the groom teach her the Qur’an as her mahr. The most popular request in Cape Town is the Kruger Rand or silver coins, with requests ranging from R5,000.
The bride may grant the groom a gift, if she so wishes, which can only strengthen their bond.
Shaykh Alexander stressed the importance of the duty of parents, and implored them to encourage their children who have reached marital age to attend premarital classes.
The culture of marriages has certainly changed; marriages previously lasted lifetimes. Shaykh Alexander alarmingly recalled that he “performed a marriage that lasted one month.”
The Shaykh attributes the current divorce rate to the influx of romanticized expectations of weddings and marriage produced in television programmes. He explains that individuals in the modern era are conditioned to absorb ideas from television. Couples, instead, should take heed of the marriages of The Prophet Muhammad [May peace and blessing be upon Him] and understand its lessons.