5 ways you are unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage

Muslim husband and wife

Muslim couple

You might be surprised to figure out you are doing these five destructive things that will ultimately ruin your relationship with your spouse.

By Katelyn Carmen
Reprinted from FamilyShare.com

When I got married, I was amazed at the instant, overwhelming sense of responsibility I felt to love and care for my husband. Suddenly, a huge part of someone else’s well-being and happiness was largely affected by my choices and actions.

Women, we need to be careful about how we are caring for our husbands and marriages. Don’t let the small stuff ruin the things that will bring you the greatest happiness in life.

Here are just a few ways you might be unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage (as a caveat, please understand that although this article is directed toward women, it applies to men as well):

1. Living outside of what you can afford

A wise old woman from my church congregation once advised: “The best thing you can do as a wife is to live within your husband’s means.”

Wives, show sincere appreciation and respect to your husband by carefully following a budget and making the most of what you have. Be wise about your finances.

Constantly complaining about not having enough to fulfill your lavish desires or racking up astronomical amounts of debt on your credit card is a poor way of saying “thank you” to a faithful spouse who works hard every day to provide for the family.

Yes, you may not have enough to buy that Kate Spade bag you’ve had your eyes on for months, but your husband will love and appreciate the fact that you honor him and are grateful for what he provides.

2. Constant negativity

You hate your hair, the messes around the house, the neighbor across the street, your dumb co-worker, the old dishwasher, and everything in between. As soon as your husband walks through the door, you launch into action and dump every negative and angry thought that’s crossed your mind throughout the day.

Can you imagine having to carry that burden? Negativity is draining. Men like to fix things, and constantly being hounded with complaints makes it difficult for him to help solve your pains.

If there is one thing I’ve learned from marriage is that a good man wants you to be happy, and if he can’t help you do that, it makes him unhappy. It’s okay to have a bad day once in a while, that’s totally understandable, but don’t make it a way of life.

3. Putting everything else first

When your children, mom, best friends, talents, or career in front of your husband, you send a clear message to him that he is unimportant. Imagine having that message sent to you every day for many years. What would that do to your self esteem?

Put your husband first.

Although it sometimes seems counter-intuitive and counterproductive, I think you’d be amazed to find that it’s often the key to the greatest happiness in marriage. So many couples get divorced these days, because they neglect to care and love one another and put each other first.

If you choose to put each other first, you will find a lot of joy.

4. Withholding physical affection

Men crave and need physical affection with their wives. When you constantly decline intimacy, it wears on them.

Sex should not be used as a tool to control your spouse; it should be viewed as a sacred tool to draw you closer to one another and to God.

It is a great blessing to be wanted and needed by a loving, romantic husband who wants to share something so beautiful and important with you — and you only. Even though you might not always be in the mood, it’s worth it to give in (when you can) and spend that time bonding.

5. Not speaking his language

Women love to drop hints. (I think it’s part of our DNA.) But men just don’t get them. (I think that is a part of their DNA.)

Don’t waste your time giving subtle hints that he won’t understand: Speak plainly to him. Be honest about your feelings, and don’t bottle things up until you burst. If he asks you what’s wrong, don’t respond with “nothing” and then expect him to read your mind and emotions. Be open about how you really feel.

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Husband and Wife Relationship


  1. This article is all nice well and good, (politically correct for it’s agenda) but it doesn’t list the things that a man can do to insure the happiness of a marriage. Like treat a woman w/ equal or the same respect that he wants her to treat him. In a lot of cases men tend to expect the female to fawn all over him and treat him as master of all he surveys. But it’s hard to treat a man like that when he isn’t what he wants to be treated as.

    I once worked w/ a guy (a married cheater who went after everything w/ a pulse.) who’d had affairs with many of our coworkers and had been trying to get me for years. I told him I had nothing for a married man to do… and very little for a single man as well, seeing how most men aren’t worth a hill of beans. He looked at me strangely and said my problem was that I wouldn’t let a man be a man. I told him if I ever saw a man I would. I don’t know why men think the definition of a real man is someone who can lay down with a lot of women, or even just his wife. Sex isn’t the only thing that makes a marriage, just like beauty isn’t. It’s a healthy part of a relationship in most cases. But if you build your relationship on sex or beauty and something happens to your partner and these things are taken away, then God help you.

    Also, yes, women used to swoon for men when there were REAL GENTLEMEN and when there was a such thing as REAL men. Women were home, taking care of the children and then inside of the house, not to say that that’s where a woman should be if it’s not here choice. But she should have the choice at least. Now most women have to work outside the house, come home, cook dinner, help w/ home work, get the kids off to bed and any number of other things. You have men these days that can’t fix a car, a leaky roof, don’t know how to mow grass, can’t do anything but climb on top of a woman and make babies that he can’t afford to support. So what props does he deserve for this?

    Further more, I tell any man quick if I have to work just as hard or harder with you as or than I did before I got you, then I don’t need you. I’m a business women who can pay my own bills, live a comfortable life and take care of my own self just fine. But if I get married and have children I’d expect to be at home more to be w/ my kids. Which would mean my hubby would have to be able to take up the slack and be able to afford to keep me in the life style I’ve become accustomed to living. Money and desired lifestyle is something a man and female should talk about before getting married. In my opinion if a man can’t afford a wife and kids then he shouldn’t get one. Just like that beautiful crystal you might fall in love with at the store, only to pick up and check the price tag and find out it’s beyond your pocket. You put it down gingerly so as not to damage it and back awayyyy slowly. If I have to be the man and the lady too and his mama on the side, what da heck do I need him for.

    I won’t even mention the respect issue where most men think that women are automatic baby machines, built in babysitters, free maids and bed warmers whom they can speak to in any manner.. and the little lady is just supposed to take it. Honey please, this article is so one sided, it doesn’t make any sense. You can lick a man’s boots from now to dooms day… he’ll only take it as a sign of stupidity and weakness, treat you any kinda way, and still cheat on you if that’s what type of man he is and think you are too stupid to realize what he’s doing( because that’s the way you’ve presented yourself to him.) or have the gumption to take up for yourself.

    I have seen women devote their whole lives to a man (putting him first before herself.. even her children.) and his every whim, never step astray, take what ever they gave and what good did it do them? In the end after years of mistreatment or abuse, the man either dominated them til death or ended up cheating or leaving them with a pack of hungry children to feed and clothe. I’m all about giving respect where respect is due, but a female should be given respect as well. You lick my boots and give me props for being superwoman, and I’ll lick your boots and give you props for being superman. Otherwise you can just march onward brave soldier. I don’t need a man to take care of me or to define me. Nor do I need a lord and master to rule over me, I have my God to do that. True I’d like a husband to love and take care of, maybe one or two kids. But, I refuse to settle for someone who will treat me less than what I deserve. Or someone whom I have to lower my standards to be with or give more props or respect to then he deserve.

    When I read stuff like this I’m so shocked and angry that another female would give advice like this to women to lead them off blindly down the road to marriage, only to years later think that their married life is falling apart because it’s all THEIR fault for not being a good enough obedient little doorstep of a wife. It take TWO to hold a marriage together.

    • “This article is all nice well and good, (politically correct for it’s agenda) but it doesn’t list the things that a man can do to insure the happiness of a marriage.”

      Because that’s not the focus of this particular article. I’ve published other articles on what men can do for their wives. You say you will give respect where respect is due, but I doubt that sister. Your anger toward men in general is obvious. You take the worst men that you’ve encountered and make them stereotypes of all men. Most of the Muslim men I’ve known have been honest, decent, hard working guys. But no man is attracted to a woman with a huge chip on her shoulder.

      Zawaj.com Editor

      • I’m not sure an honest, decent, hard-working man would be enough for her. She probably wouldn’t think he was a man if he dared to make less than her. She just sounds really arrogant and entitled.

    • Oh My God sister I’m sitting here reading your reply with my mouth wide open, you’ve said the truth and nothing but it. I 100% agree with you. I see women get beat by their husbands and they’ll put him in jail only to bail him out so her can cheat on them and beat them up again! It’s ridiculous. I agree that respect should be shown where it’s do but some men simply don’t deserve it and I don’t know why some women waste their energy. Anyway I enjoyed reading your comment it’s good to know there is a fellow sister out there that gets it. Stay strong superwoman!

      • In Islam best amongst the men is the one who is nice to his wife ….the first thing that will be judged on the day of judgement is the relationship of a man with his wife…

  2. ma sha Allah very good said our good sister,many of us think that to be a great man is to go or have sex with every woman,a good or great man is that one who marries legally then treats his wife more than a queen,treats her as our Diin has directed us to do,our Holy Prophet Muhammad(Salallahu Alayhi Wasallam)is a very good example to follow and not otherwise.

  3. السام عليكم
    Senhora Katelyn,

    Primeiramente, desculpe-me escrever em português, pois é a língua em que me expresso melhor.

    Quanto ao artigo acima escrito, adorei-o. Quisera Deus que todos que se casassem, mulher e homem, tivessem maturidade suficiente para a vida a dois. Todavia, o problema é maior do que se pensa, pois passa pela educação transmitida pelos pais, que são referência dos filhos. E a família vem sendo destruída pelo individualismo exacerbado, pelo egoísmo, pela impaciência, pela falta de respeito e compreensão entre os cônjuges. A compreensão de si mesmo(a) e do seu papel no matrimônio é muito relevante para a vida a dois.
    O homem ocidental vem sendo castrado psicologicamente, de forma subreptícia, não lhe sobrando muitas opções. A sociedade mercadológica vem invertendo valores cuja compreensão se faz urgente, pois afetam diretamente nossas vidas, inclusive a de casal.
    Uma casa não pode ter dois senhores, pois a quem se obedecerá?…

    Thanks for attention.

    • Google translation:

      Lady Katelyn,

      First, excuse me write in Portuguese because it is the language in which I express myself best.

      As for the above article written, I loved it. Would to God that all who were married, woman and man, had sufficient maturity to life together. However, the problem is bigger than you think, because it requires education from parents, which are reference of the children. And the family has been destroyed by the exacerbated individualism, selfishness, impatience, lack of respect and understanding between spouses. The understanding of yourself (a) and their role in marriage is very relevant to life together.
      Western man has been psychologically castrated, surreptitiously, not left you plenty of options. The marketing company is reversing values whose understanding is urgent, because it directly affect our lives, including the couple.
      A house can not have two masters, for who is to obey? …

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