Columns's Our Families

Tuesday, May 1, 2001

Responses to "To My Dearest Sisters... From a Co-Wife"

(to read the original column, click here)

Two Muslim women

Response from Anonymous: "To the man's heart, the sexual act is made ever more enjoyable."

I just finished reading your article..'To My Dearest Sisters...From a Co-Wife' and I empathise with your saying that the man has to be perfectly just with all his wives, and of course this pattern has to be the norm during his married life with them all.

Basically, what it all breaks down to is the difference in psychology between men and women. A woman looks for security, love and a good personal relationship with her husband. These things are paramount to her and any lacking in these can result in a multitude of marital difficulties. Hence her reticence in wanting to share her husband with another woman who she knows wants exactly the same thing and this can be applied for all four possible wives. All wanting the same thing. All feeling the fear of the consequences of any lacking in these qualities in her husband.

As for the man, he may well be truly pious and fairminded. Though his sexual drive is no more than that of a woman, yet, its modus operandi is very different. He intrinsically loves variety. To his heart, the sexual act is made ever more enjoyable when he has a choice of partners with whom to engage in mutual pleasure. It is for this reason, that no matter how pious a man he may be, the temptation to look at other women is irresistable unless he is able to engross himself fully and with satisfaction in the sexual enjoyment of his wives.

I do not say that women do not also look at other men. Rather, the intentions differ. A woman will usually only ever have eyes for another man if there is some essential element missing in her marital set-up. For example, she feels neglected, unloved, abused etc. However, no matter how much his wife cares for him, her husband will always be on the lookout for variety in his life. His priorites are different because being the leader, he feels secure. He may already be loved but this is not going to reduce his want for novelties. He may be content with his wife's bahaviour, but to him it is of no consequence if he has another wife to treat him in the same way. He is capable of loving more than one, though of course, never exactly the same. He can treat them both equally in terms of being justiceful in his dealings with them, but this does not affect his search for more women. I think it is vital for all women to recognise this inherent thing within man.

Allaah azza wa jul of course knows this. Thats why He has encouraged man to marry two, three or four with given conditions of behaviour whilst so doing. Of course, many men abuse this but that is no reflection on anything other than their lack of understanding of their Deen. Such men should not even marry at all unless they understand the commitment required. Love is relative anyway. No love within one should match that one should have for one's Maker. Too many women get hung up on love (and men too!). This humanly love for each other often leads to warped behaviour. I say: do not over-expect and do not over-give. Live for the next world as well as within this one. That way things will insha'Allaah be fine.

Siddiqua's Answer:

Assalaamu-Alaikum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuhu.

Ya Akhee! Jazaaka Allahu Khairan Katheer. I really appreciate your input and thoughts, it is truely appreciated.

What you mentioned was interesting and I understand what you are trying to say maybe not completely but, to the best of the ability that Allah has granted me. I agree with most of the points you have made. It is hard to say anything at this point because on the issue of polygyny men would most certainly look at it from a wholly different angle then any woman would. And I am sure you did notice the article was not against polygyny, but I was merely putting the facts out on the table, to put it more informally. It is sad though that a lot of times men with the excuse of not being able to be fair with all their wives, and using that as a backup sometimes, in fact a lot of times deliberately are unfair and unjust to their wives which only leads to divorces and disharmony in the family, in turn resulting in it all affecting the children who begin to abhore polygyny seeing nothing but trouble in it.

There are some who would try their very best to be just and are successful, and I do personally know of sisters who are happily married to one man and living happily. Al-Hamdulilaah. The important factor is that the man tries really hard no matter what to be just. I personally feel men can get caught up with the excuse and then use verses from the Qur'aan to back them up. Rasullallah (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam) himself had a favourite among his wives and it was a well known fact during his (sallallahu alaihi wa sallam)'s time alive among the Sahaba and Sahabiyyaat. But that didn't stop him from being just to the rest of them. Truly Allah (Tabaarak wa Ta'ala) is the controller of hearts. But, if people would try harder... just a lil' harder, with more sincerity... they could be successful with the Help and the Will of Allah (Subhanahu wa Ta'ala). And there is nothing more powerful and pleasing to Allah then sincere `Adeeyah in aiding any work in this Dunya or for the Aakhirah. InshaAllah, if we'd all do things as Allah has ordained us to, we can be better people with better relationships and also better examples to our children, who really need us to be better examples. Once again, I thank you for your response and your time. I pray that Allah can make us of the best of Muslims and Guide us always and make our children and our loved ones of those who will be successful in this Dunya and the Aakhirah. Aameen. All good is from Allah (Subahanhu wa Ta'ala) and all evil is from my own nafs.

Subhanaka Allahumma wa bihamdika wa `ash-hadu an `laa `illaha `illa anta astagfiruka wa atoobu `ilayk.

Siddiqua Hassan Haswarey

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