Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Just my story, a sad one but hopefully not forever.

The Islamic Shahadah, or testimony of faith, carved in wood on the wall of a masjidI ran into your website and I would like to share my story. I am usually very reserved and I do not participate in blogs, social website and the like but I feel this community might listen and hopefully help.

I would like to tell you my story which is about love and religion. I am a non-Muslim woman and I have been in a relationship with a Muslim man for more than 3 years. I know it is not religiously right, but our first attraction was very physical then became something special. We found each other, we were each others world , I was the first girl he introduced to his family. He was the first person who truly understood me and made me feel loved.

Both him and his family did not mind that I was not a Muslim, but tried to introduce me to Islam slowly and see how it would develop. I have not practised any religion in my life even being raised as Catholic( my family does not practise either). I grew up firmly believing in a God but not believing in religious books, rituals and any rules pertaining religion. Although I was used to pray to God, not only to ask but mainly to say thanks for what I had, I have always believed in individual freedom to avoid confining myself in the rules of any religion.

The more we got into the religious argument, the more he wanted me to know Islam, because he told me I was the one he wanted to marry and have a family with. He also wanted me to see where his core values came from. I read a few books but sometimes I felt he was pressuring me without realising it. As I have always been interested in Oriental religions and philosophies, meditation and vegetarianism. Sometimes we used to argue as he felt we were too different. Also, I was used to criticise a few Sharia rules and I admit I was quite influenced by the media. So our confrontation started to develop into arguments, usually concerning petty things but making us very stressed out. So he broke up with me saying we were too different and he was not feeling the same about me either. Then we got back together as we started to talk more and see each other. The year after we got into religious/philosophical arguments again and he broke up with me again.  It is worth mentioning that in all these years he never had a stable job due to the recession and he spent months and months unemployed. He also had family issues and not pleasant past relationships with women. So he saw me as the woman who saved him, gave him everything from love to support and belief in life. The second break - up made me read more about Islam as to understand things for myself and I read and discovered many beautiful things he introduced me to previously but I never really took too seriously. So after talking and seeing that I also believed in God and I decided if we had kids to raise them as Muslims we restarted dating but due to his personal and financial issues he felt no feelings for quite a while. Then his feelings came back and we spent another beautiful year together. In this circumstance his job situation got worse, his trust in life as well. On my side, weekends home without going out (we did not live together), no holidays together, no prospect of a future family due to the lack of money started to make me feel nervous and sad. I loved him so much that for the first time I considered marrying a man and have kids with him. But the more I was talking about this, the more he felt like a failure. And not seeing him during Ramadan, not spending much time together afterwards also made me feel jealous and, being very sensitive, he was always tense. The pressure from me wanting his attentions, a family together, his not feeling good about life anymore made him broke up with me again.  He started saying that these years together were just a burden to him, that he is still praying to find the right woman and that now he does not want a relationship with anybody because he cannot give anything to anybody and wants to be free.

I am devastated as I remember the best moments of my life with this man, I feel so much love inside. In my mind I hope we will be together one day, but his indifference and cold attitude now, so far from that sweet man of just a few weeks before makes me feel he changed so much, life changed him. And all those times we got back together it was only because he needed someone to take care of him and not because he actually loved me?  How can every time break up with me as if nothing happened? How can every time tell me that he does not feel the same and that I should move on and find a better person for me? Until a few days ago he was still talking about our future, he was passionate, caringI feel he really loved me as a person but I am angry at the same time...I have never lied, cheated or disrespected him. I have tried to give him a sense of family taking care of him and trying to make him feel always protected. I have never shouted at him for not taking me out on weekends or for not having a job....but I am human, I have needs too which he felt he could not fulfil. I was just sad, hopeless sometimes and he could see it. ...what makes it worse is the fact that he never had a successful example of good love relationships around him and this is influencing his thoughts. I want him in my life but he said he wants to be free and it is over between us, as if those years never happened. All I wanted was just commitment and love and I hope one day to find someone who does not run away every time but someone who sticks around and loves me 100%, not only when things go well!

About the religion now: Every time he broke up with me I felt comfort in reading Islamic books....maybe if there is only one good thing he left me with are his beliefs which helped me overcome a very deep depression I felt especially last year...I got to the point of feeling suicidal.  Now I am trying to be strong and reading the Quran is helping a lot.

I hope I did not bore you with this, I just wanted to share my story with you. Out of a broken heart, at least Islam is giving me some peace. I do not know if it will remain an interest or will turn into a future conversion, but all I know is that this man left me a few beautiful things among which the belief in God and the Islamic perspective which I hope will keep on helping my restless soul.

Thanks to all of you who might want to spend a few words. I will also write another post (or reply here) with a dream I had some time ago concerning Islam.

 


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10 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. Islam truly is a means to peace, and we find the most peace by learning how to submit to our Creator, and re-aligning ourselves back with our true nature. I hope that you continue to find the peace Allah has given all of mankind through the revelations He made known to His prophets, particularly Muhammad (saws).

    As you have probably seen on this site, being Muslim doesn't mean that people will always make the right choices or see things the clearest. Pain is a part of life for Muslims and non Muslims alike, just like any other experience. We often come to a belief looking for an escape to pain, but more than any other path I've heard Muslims say in doing so they found so much more than just the ease from trouble. I sincerely hope your path leads you to the same.

    Feel free to share your dream if you like, or post any questions you might have. In the mean time, I leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

    This world is full of remedies. But you have no remedy until God opens a window for you. You may not be aware of that remedy just now. In the hour of need it will be made clear to you. The Prophet said God made a remedy for every pain.

    -Rumi, "Mathnawi"
    From "The Bounty of Allah," translated by Aneela Khalid Arshed.

  2. Dear Aisha,

    I am touched by your story and I share all your feelings because I am going through a similar situation, just that i will have a daughter of my ex couple. I do understand the love you have for this man and I am sure you have done everything because you love him, but now is time to stop and think more about yourself. It's not fair that every time he needs something from you you be there and then he just leave you without any empathy.

    As you I was raised as Catholic but after all Allah showed me his path and I converted to Islam. Even I have been spending a harsh situation I do understand that there is good and bad people in this world, and Allah will be the one who is going to ask for every deeds we done on the day of Judgment. I encourage you to keep reading the Qur'an and I want to share with you some of the things that have been helping me a lot,

    - It was by the mercy of Allah that thou wast lenient with them, for if thou hadst been stern and fierce of heart they would have dispersed from round about thee. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult with them upon the conduct of affairs. And when thou art resolved, then put thy trust in Allah. Lo! Allah love those who put their trust in Him.

    - “Whatever you have will end, but what Allah has is lasting. And We will surely give those who were patient their reward according to the best of what they used to do.” (16:96)

    - Oh Allah, it is Your mercy that I hope for, so don’t leave me in charge of my affairs even for the blinking of an eye. And rectify all of my affairs for me.

    - Oh Allah, there is no ease other than what You make easy. If You please You ease sorrow.

    May Allah guide you and bless you. Don't worry that you will be happy because he will give you what you deserve and would be the best for you.

  3. I think that he is not stable that y he is behaving like this , if u can ( well u have already gave 3 years ) give him sometime more to be stable . I think that will help

  4. I think that he is not financial stable that y he is behaving like this , if u can ( well u have already gave 3 years ) give him sometime more to be stable . I think that will help

  5. Salaams Sister

    I say this muslim or none muslim no one said things or experiences in life were free or easy to come. Love does happen and sometimes Allah shows some people it is not worth hanging on for something that was never meant to be. Be strong, think of you and inshallah your pain will make you stronger than before because someone else will deserve you of your worth inshallah.

  6. Salam Aleikum,
    First of all I would like to thank all of you for showing interest and support. It has been two months and nothing changed until last week he re-started calling me again. I had so much hatred and disappointment inside and I never answered the phone until his birthday. Yesterday he asked me to meet up and talk. I reluctantly accepted to meet him after everything he made me go through. He started saying that he just wanted me to know that he did it only because he could not take the thought of being unemployed anymore, that he was too depressed and angry at himself for not being able to provide for me. He said he told me many horrible things to make me hate him and that he did not mean them. He told me he loves me and that he has been missing me so much and started crying and hugging me. I obviously feel like not trusting his words anymore but I know he loves me and I feel sad. He has now found a job and I thank Allah for that, and I hope we will be together again one day. But he did not mention that so I am afraid it was just a moment and from today things will go back to being the same. I also spoke to him about my sincere religious interest and he said I should take my steps regardless, I agreed with him.
    I will also post my dreams which I know are a sign from Allah.
    Maria, I feel your situation so close to mine, how are you these days? I feel so lost because hating me was making everything easier, now he does not want me but at the same time he told me he loves and misses me? How sad and confusing. I am not asking for the world, just marriage and a family.....I dont know why it is so impossible but I guess I just have to be sabir and carry on, which I find it very hard.

    • @Aisha85

      My advice to you, forget it all forever, asap and get on with your life!

      I have been through your situation, the only difference is for me it continued for over 5 years. The end result, suddenly out of nowhere, I am told, he got married behind my back!

      Everytime, he messed up and I wanted to leave, he begged and cried, and even threatened me that he will harm himself. Everytime, I gave in, only because I thought, he's being childish, and needs me. But, that didn't make him value everything he got, it just made him take everything for granted. He perceived, my affection and concern for him, as my weakness, nothing else!

      Believe in God, no one else. If things are meant to be, God will guide him to treat you right and respectfully, and if he's not, then I do not see why do you need to walk that extra mile, always!

      Also, take your time and try and read multiple similar stories on this forum, you will know what everyone's been through. Read it and am sure, you will get your answer out of the post and also the advices.

      Pray God's helps you make the right decision. Be strong.

    • Hi Aisha,

      Well I'm been good, expecting the day to deliver my baby 🙂 However, I'm confusing as well because he arrived to U,S. a some weeks ago and he has been calling and texting, saying that he want to visit me but that doesn't mean that we are back again. So i told him that i'm not his toy and that we are going to have a baby and he must be aware of that. I guess you are on time to move forward even if has been painful for you but I don't think he is being serious with you. Think about yourself before him, because my biggest mistake until this day is loving him more than i love myself and that make me forget want i deserve.

  7. you sound like a kind caring loving person? Ask your self If you had a
    Daughter who was going through what you are would you let her? At what point do you think it's enough?

  8. Is he having physical relations with you all those years .. ?

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