Tag archive for ‘dating in islam’

Muslims Balance Faith and Romance

Muslim couple at a coffee shop

By Brian Hughes
Reprinted from RedAndBlack.com

Not Complaining

In a college town ripe with one-night stands and hazy hookups, a sophomore from Augusta is somewhat of an anomaly – at 19 years old, he’s never been on a date.

But he’s not complaining.

As a devout Muslim, Bilal Yousufzai can’t engage in physical intimacy with a woman until marriage. That includes dating.

Even in the carefree days around the playground, he was asked about marriage.

Kids wondered if he was going to marry a stranger and needled him with comments about not being able to kiss a girl.

Now, while many students flock to downtown Athens (Georgia, USA) with their better halves, Yousufzai is more relieved than envious.

“After seeing all the crappy relationships my friends went through, I realized I wasn’t missing out on much,” he said.

But the celibacy wasn’t always easy, he said, especially on his teenage hormones.

Hammad Aslam, a sophomore from Snellville, Georgia, said the importance of dating in American youth culture makes some Muslims more susceptible to “give into temptation.” However, he said he was able to resist by turning his thoughts to matrimony.

“Marriage will make it worth the wait,” he said.

Road to marriage

Young Muslim coupleAfter studying the teachings of Islam in high school, Yousufzai came to a better understanding of what marriage meant to Muslims.

He equated marriage to half of one’s religious faith and said intimacy with the opposite sex must be reserved for marriage, as demanded by Allah.

Unlike most Western societies, where people rely on an experimental method to finding a partner, searching for a spouse is more of a courtship process in Islamic cultures.

Finding a life partner is a family decision, not personal, according to Islamic tradition.

The practice differs from country to country, but generally families will meet and question the potential spouse for their kin. If both families approve, the couple can proceed with marriage. If not, they go their separate ways.

As president of the university’s Muslim Student Association, Yousufzai said he wanted the group to be the face of Islam on campus and help non-Muslims better understand the religion.

Aslam, the group’s vice-president, said misunderstandings of Islamic culture have intensified since Sept. 11.

“There’s a tendency to group all Muslims with Islamic radicals,” he said. “That couldn’t be further from the truth.”

He characterized the religion as peaceful and labeled true believers as steadfast in their desire to submit to God.

‘Not easy to be a Muslim’

Muslims in Surabaya, Indonesia pray during Ramadan.

Muslims in Surabaya, Indonesia pray during Ramadan.

In addition to restrictions on dating, Yousufzai makes numerous sacrifices daily.

He recites Salat, the five intermittent prayers from dusk to dawn which together are one of the pillars of Islam.

Muslims throughout the world are wrapping up the Feast of Ramadan, a month-long holiday in which practitioners don’t eat or drink during daylight hours.

Muslims believe the Quran was handed down from heaven during this period.

Yousufzai admitted he didn’t look forward to fasting, but said it gave him a newfound appreciation for daily gifts.

“It’s not easy to be a Muslim,” he said.

For one day, freshman Stephanie Jackson, from Warrior, Ala., got a taste of what it’s like to be a Muslim.

She participated in the Muslim Student Association’s 2006 Fast-A-Thon on Tuesday, where students were invited to participate in Ramadan.

After ignoring food cravings, Jackson alleviated her hunger once the sun set. First, she bit into a date, a symbolic representation of breaking a fast.

Nearly 100 people joined her in Myers Hall Tuesday night, gorging on pasta, bagels and cookies.

“The eating part wasn’t the problem,” Jackson said of the experience. “Refraining from negative thoughts, that was the issue.”

Muslims are taught to avoid both positive and negative thoughts during the fast. Jackson knew it would be a problem when she received a parking ticket the night before.

“When I went to pay my ticket, I kept telling myself ‘they’re just doing their job,'” she said. “I tried my best to stay composed.”

As a resident assistant in Rutherford Hall, junior Katie Ames was required to participate in an event that exposed her to a culture she was unfamiliar with. She chose to participate in Ramadan for five straight days.

Her main pitfall was a juicy habit.

“On the last night, I felt bad because I remembered I ate bacon,” she said.

According to Islam, Muslims aren’t allowed to consume pork.

Ames said she came away from the event with a new admiration for Muslims’ dedication.

Dating: Not against Quran

Enjoying the temporary break Tuesday night from fasting, University graduate Amber Paul reminisced about her days at the University. She mentioned having a number of fellow Muslims who dated regularly.

Although the Winder native said most Muslims don’t associate dating with damnation, she pointed to refraining from the practice as a safeguard against a major sin – premarital sex.

Major sins are acts specifically prohibited in the Quran.

“It’s not like you will burn in hell just for dating,” she said.

Freshman and fellow Muslim Sahir Ahsan offered a different perspective.

“I don’t have a problem with dating,” he said. “Islam has found a way to assimilate with Western culture.”

Ahsan said his beliefs were in no way contradictory to Islam.

Thousands of Muslims have turned to the Internet to meet their needs for companionship, while avoiding the dreaded label of dating.

Zawaj.com, a company based in Fresno, Calif., is an online outlet for Muslims to place matrimonial advertisements.

According to the site’s administrator, Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, the Web site has more than 50,000 registered members.

There are now more than 10,000 marriage ads for members to browse.

Yousufzai said he wasn’t vehemently opposed to such programs but added he would never use one himself.

“They make me laugh,” he said of the online relationships.

“I would like to meet my partner in person, but that’s just me.”

Regardless of their theological differences, many Muslims at the Fast-A-Thon were looking forward to Monday, or Eid-al-Fitr, which marks the end of Ramadan.

“Monday, we’re going to party like crazy,” Yousufzai said. “And by party, I mean eat everything in sight.”

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Why Millions of Muslims Are Signing Up For Online Matchmaking

By Lydia Green for BBC Arabic
Reprinted from BBC Online
Zawaj.com Muslim Matrimonial Service

Zawaj.com is one of the oldest and best known Muslim matrimonial services.

Arranged marriages are standard practice in many societies, but the introductions and screening process can be an ordeal for the young people involved – even if they are pleased with the eventual outcome. Some Western Muslims have concluded that online matchmaking can help reduce embarrassment.

“You don’t like her? Why not? She got two legs, she got two arms, she’s a professional. How can you not like her?”

Adeem Younis remembers all too well the trials of his family-orchestrated matchmaking. “Someone would be brought round for an evening meal and it was a really big deal. The samosas came out and the chicken and the chapattis… It was so highly pressurised.”

Along with others in Europe and the US, Younis began looking for samosa-free ways to help young Muslims tie the knot, and Muslim online matchmaking was born.

Adeem Younis encourages people to involve their families in an online search

Sometime in the last decade or so, online dating became a mainstream activity, in Europe and North America at least. These days everyone is at it, from the likes of Halle Berry and Adele – both say they have given it a go – to your aunt, my grandmother, and half the people swinging like coat hangers on the early morning commute.

So perhaps it’s not surprising that Western Muslims adapted the idea to their needs. For many, online dating offers a low-stress solution to the daunting challenge of finding a partner for marriage in countries where few share their faith, and in communities where matchmaking is considered a family affair.

Younis’s own matchmaking site, SingleMuslim.com, which he founded above a fast-food shop in Wakefield while still a lowly undergraduate, now boasts more than a million members.

However, as the young entrepreneur tells me, to call the practice “Muslim online dating” would be inaccurate. The goal of such sites is often far more ambitious than the average hook-up website. Instead of hazy morning-after memories and hopes of receiving a follow-through text message, sites like SingleMuslim.com aim to provide clients with a partner for life. It is a responsibility not to be taken lightly.

“In Islam, marriage is equal to half of your religion,” he says, quoting a saying thought to have been uttered by the Prophet Mohammed, “so you can imagine how important it is… Islam teaches us that marriage is the cornerstone of society as a whole.”

SingleMuslim.com now claims a success rate of about four matches per day. But the site is just one example of a booming market serving Muslims of all ages and degrees of religiosity.

For example, there is Muslimmatrimony.com, which allows members to search for partners not only by sect, but by the particular doctrine of Islam that they follow and the languages they speak.

Another, HipsterShaadi.com used to market itself as the site for people looking for a partner with whom to “write poetry and dance in the rain” but of whom their parents will also approve. It has now changed its name to ishqr.com and says it is the place for feminists looking for a “bold, humble, feminist brother or a Rumi-and-granola-loving Muslim”.

Muhammad met his wife Catherine through an online matchmaking site four years ago. Today he is happily married with two children. But his search for marital bliss wasn’t always an easy ride.

Muhammad and Catherine with their first child

“There isn’t that scope to meet people,” Muhammad says. “Devout Muslims don’t go pubbing and clubbing. In typical Western cultures that’s OK, but in Muslim culture it’s frowned upon. So there are very few avenues, apart from family contact, for matchmaking to occur.”

Muhammad had been on various secular dating websites before he decided to give Muslim online matchmaking a try.

“It was round about Easter 2010 when I first emailed Catherine,” he recollects. “Things escalated very, very rapidly. Three or four months from initial contact we got married – we just knew really. When you meet the right person, you know.”

Muhammad, who is of Bangladeshi origin, and Catherine, who is British and converted to Islam at university, may seem like an unusual couple, but in many ways their relationship exemplifies the kind of relationships that these websites seek to endorse.

¨The internet makes meeting easier culturally.¨ – Mbaye Lo, Professor of Arabic

“The identity of global Islam is not physical, it’s more ideological – its constituency is a global constituency,” says Mbaye Lo, professor of Arabic at Duke University and author of an academic paper titled Muslim Marriage Goes Online.

“That is why the websites often show an African Muslim man with an Indo-Pakistani girl, for example, on their main page. They portray themselves in a physical manner that postulates Islam’s globality in order to engage people on a global level and give them more of a global outlook, a global citizenship.”

According to Lo, the websites not only encourage global citizenship, they also allow young people in conservative countries to choose potential matches with greater freedom. “The status quo in many countries doesn’t always favour women in making choices – the internet makes meeting easier culturally,” he says.

Riad, who hails from the Tunisian capital Tunis, met his wife online in 2012. “I fell in love with her the moment I saw her,” he recollects, “a real coup de foudre”.

However, like many in the Middle East and North Africa, he has reservations about online dating. Despite his own positive experience, he would not necessarily recommend it to others. “The virtual world is a world of lies,” he warns, “you just don’t know who you are talking to.”

Unlike in the West, where Muslim online matchmaking often appeals to young people with a strong religious identity, in Tunisia, Riad tells me, the opposite is true.

“Very religious families would prefer that their children meet future partners in the traditional ways, through the family. They take the view that meeting a partner online isn’t natural and they are therefore very suspicious.”

In the West, however, the industry is booming. Younis, who set up SingleMuslim.com in 2000, never imagined it would turn into a full-time career.

However, 14 years on, the website has given him more than one thing to be proud of. A few years after setting up the site, the young entrepreneur found a wife of his own online. He is now a proud father of four, his last child, a healthy little girl, having been born while this article was being written.

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Muslim Dating: The Reality of our Ummah and Some Solutions – Part 2

Muslim teenagers in Java, Indonesia

Muslim teenagers in Java, Indonesia

ORGANICA is the personal blog of an Egyptian-American Muslim sister who calls herself, “A crazy Egyptian Muslim American girl with too many labels to count” The post below is one of her most popular and most commented-on.

Part 1 is here.

Muslim Dating: The Reality of our Ummah and Some Solutions – Part 2

When parents eventually learn about their child’s alternate reality their reaction is of one of two: 1) Overreact the situation, curse and damn child to hell, take away worldly possessions such as a phone while spitting out every Quranic verse to guilt the child to stop; 2) Deny the situation entirely and never address it. Astonishingly, the latter occurs at a much higher frequency.

I’ve seen parents bow in prayer begging God to help and guide their child. Unfortunately, that is usually the extent of their effort. Waking up an hour early to pray in the wee hours of the morning isn’t the solution. God doesn’t help people who don’t help themselves first.

Acceptance of Gender Mixing:

Humans need to socialize and interact with one another. It’s part of life. Contrary to most Islamic Scholar’s interpretation of Islamic teachings, I believe that healthy interactions among the genders is needed to build self-esteem and healthy choices in life. I sometimes wonder why scholars emphasize the importance of community values among Muslims (Jummah, Eid, visiting the sick, keeping relations with kin), yet spend most of their time speaking of the evilness of mixing with the opposite gender and the horrors that come about.

I believe that God has commanded us to be social beings. There are no exclusions. The forms of these contacts are different in nature. Some are more intimate than others but with every relation one could discern the proper form of interaction.

Many Muslim children are raised on the notion that mixing with the opposite gender is haraam. Recently I visited friends during a dinner party. The children were separated by gender and were asked to not interact. I heard a mother tell her daughter “Good little girls don’t play with boys.” Of course, Muslim parents aren’t concerned about today’s innocent playdate but the future is what’s on their mind. They believe if they allow their six-year old daughter to play with a little boy now, ten years later she will still want to play, but maybe more of a mature type play?

The mistake occurs the first time parents restrict interaction. Boys and girls grow up curious about the opposite gender thanks to the limited interaction they were allowed as children. However, the same standards aren’t into play when it comes to school, especially when they are in a public school setting. The child learns to discriminate: when he/she is at school, they are free to interact as they please, but once in the presence of a parent or a Muslim member of their community, they learn to avoid contact with the opposite gender. From here the dual-lifestyle is commenced.

When the child approaches their parent to discuss their social life at school or ask to invite a male classmate to their birthday party, they are quickly reprimanded and reminded that ‘this is not our way’ (i.e. the Muslim/Arab/Asian, etc way). Soon after the child learns that certain topics aren’t safe to discuss with one’s parent, so they turn to friends to seek advice or confide their secrets. The friends cheer on the alternate life the child creates, and as a result the parent and other community members remain in the dark.

The solution:

  • Allow children to freely interact with the opposite gender in academic and social settings.
  • Teach children of both genders to work together on community service projects (brainstorm, plan, lead, etc).
  • Equip children with the interpersonal skills (how to socialize with one another, etc)
  • Teach children proper etiquette across settings
  • Encourage and reward honest and thoughtful dialogue
  • Set fair rules, be consistent, open to criticism, and follow-through when rules are broken
  • Model Godly behavior
  • Provide a safe environment free of hostility and disrespect.

Preparing Children to be Responsible Adults with Mature Goals in Life:

Muslim girls bowling in San Francisco

A group of Muslim girls getting ready to start bowling in San Francisco, 2009

When I asked a Muslim teenage friend of mine why she wanted a boyfriend, her response was honest, “I want a boyfriend to buy me expensive things and take me places.” Growing up as a teen in the Middle East, many of my friends sought boyfriends for the same reasons, although most wanted the relationship to end in marriage (and 99% of them never did). If I ever fancied to take on a boyfriend at the tender age of 15, my reasons would have probably been to fill the empty void in my life and the loneliness I felt.

When you ask Muslim teens today what their goals in life are, their thoughts of the world or what commitment means, they will be at loss for words. Of course this is not a Muslim phenomenon but a universal one. As Muslims though we believe that God has sent us guidance that would solve all our worldly problems and yet we aren’t even close to solving the Muslim youth crises. One must wonder why?

Our youth complain that religious folk don’t get them. They are there to throw rules and judge them at every given moment. The rules state clearly: gender mixing of any kind is haraam; liking, loving or dating someone is haraam; any emotions towards the opposite gender is haraam; being curious is haraam; speaking about your emotions and desires to your parents is haraam and disappointing to your parents; talking OPENLY about sex is haraam; talking about what happens at school is haraam; being honest about your needs is haraam and shameful; if you are alone with the opposite gender–even in pubic–thats haraam; if you want to have a friend of the opposite gender, it’s haraam.

The massive language and generational barrier has resulted in the mess we call today “dual-identity of the Muslim youth.”

Parents remind their children that all the above rules can be broken when married. So one must wait and be patient until then. Ironically, the parents do NOTHING to prepare these children for marriage, and at the same time when the child is ready to be married off they make it so difficult that marriage is almost a struggle (that’s for another topic). And the cycle continues…

Solution:

  • Parents must accept that their children at whatever age will naturally seek a partner. This is nature at play.
  • Parents should be approachable so child can consult with them when needed (without fear).
  • Parents must work hard to raise mature children. The dilemma in today’s ummah is that our children are babied forever. Let’s face it, in Western communities Muslims are among the wealthiest and most educated. They seek the same for their children so they baby them. The child learns no type of responsibility growing up. I’ve met countless young Muslims who’ve never held a real job. My question is why? Everyone has bills, even at 15!
  • Involving the child in community service, work, house chores and in decision making will expose the child to more experience, thus maturity. This should be part of the family’s culture.
  • Teaching children to relieve their natural feelings through acceptable means: marriage.
  • Parents should teach their child that marriage is the only way to have a wholesome relationship with someone.
  • Liking someone is acceptable; however, the ultimate form of the relationship should be marriage (or what leads to it), nothing else. Our problem today, children are scared of marriage. We should prepare our boys and girls to be the husbands and wives of the future. Marriage isn’t scary, it could be a beautiful thing when two healthy individuals are involved.

So Do Muslims Date?

My answer is yes and no.

When my non-Muslim friends ask me this question, I am often stumped. In mainstream American culture dating doesn’t always lead to marriage or start off with that intent. Of course, ultimately, any couple wishes their relationship evolves to that stage, but it’s not necessary for the relationship to continue.

In my opinion, the ‘getting to know someone’ part could be given the term dating or courtship. A person gets to know another person with the initial intent made clear: marriage.

I am often surprised at my Muslim friends who date with no intent of marriage. Why would they invest so much energy, time and emotion on someone they don’t have any intention to remain with?

When we equip our Muslim youth with balanced childhood where friends are of both genders, awkwardness is absent because gender relations can take many forms like friendship (not only sex as many Islamic scholars like to emphasize). Finally: honesty, respect and Godliness are integral parts of the value system of a healthy Muslim child. I believe with all in place our youth will see the beauty in Islamic values that past generations have unintentionally destroyed in the Name of God. Amen!

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Dating in Islam Begins With Marriage

Muslim couple in Kerala, India

Muslim couple in Kerala, India

By Jennifer (Sumayah) Fayed of Intuitive Muslimah

I listened to a great lecture last night that was entitled “Islam & Dating” now before you jump the gun…It wasn’t about Muslims dating out of wedlock, but the contrary how once we are married how imperative it is to continue dating your husband or wife.

Although it was about a thirty minute lecture it had a strong message. I thought to myself, Abdul Malik (the lecturer) is really on to something and is touching on an important issue that most of us who are married seem to forget so easily.

Of course, there are those newlywed moments of, “I love you so much honey that I would live anywhere with you…even under a bridge”.

Or the husband saying, “Sweetheart buy whatever you like in the store price isn’t an object” or him bringing flowers everytime he comes home.

But something happens:  reality sets in! The kids come, the bills pile up, everyone is tired, and soon enough you realize that the couple that showed so much attention and considertation to one another in the beginning now don’t even face each other while they sleep.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Ok, so whats the solution?

The solution is easy. We have to remember to rekindle the flames that started the marriage in the first place. How, you ask? Ok, let’s face it most of us don’t have that money tree growing in the yard anymore. If anything, it has dried up like a prune and hasn’t bloomed a leaf of money since you last recall. There are however other ways. How about that quality time that both of you spent together just talking about things other than the kids, bills, work, and family. Focus on each other.

Being a wife doesn’t only consist of feeding the husband, cleaning the house, and attending to the children. It’s more than that… let’s remember Khadijah the Prophet’s (pbuh) first wife, she was his companion. She gave him reassurance when he most needed it, showed him compassion, shared her opinions, and supported him. Some of us have been taught that a wife is one who makes lavish dishes for her husband, who dresses up to appeal to him, and has her home organized. I’m not saying these things arent’ important. What I am saying is that a marriage and being a companion is more than superficial beauty and enticing of the flesh. Now, I’m sure the husbands who read this are probably like “Oh yea she’s right on!!!” LOL….guys you aren’t off the hook.

As husbands, you have to remember that marriage isn’t just being the maintainer and provider of the the woman and the family. It also goes deeper than that. Women are complex creatures just like men are and we also need attention, affection, and this doesn’t just mean what happens inside the bed sheets. Let’s get real here, wives need you to be more involved in the home, and that one-on-one conversation. Instead of watching the playoffs, turn off the tube and sit with your wife and talk about how she is feeling and indulge in some beneficial convos… Read some qur’an together, discuss hadiths, rekindle what sparked that flame when you first met her. You didn’t just marry her because of her beauty (at least I hope not). You married because you wanted a life partner. As women, we are auditory creatures mostly who need to hear things to know we are appreciated and loved. So dear brother, remember that when spending time with your wife.

Dating in Islam begins with marriage. We have to show one another value, love, and respect. And we do this with one-on-one communication, becoming best friends, and remembering how to keep those ardent flames from extinguishing.

In Abdul Malik’s lecture he said something that stood out for me and that was ” Men are creatures of sight, and women are creatures of sound”.

When both men and woman form the bond of marriage they have major responsibilities to each other and to Allah. Marriage is full of hardships but is also very beautiful. We were created to be companions in this life and inshallah the hereafter.

To the husbands, realize that your wife is a delicate being that needs physical, and emotional interaction. We need to hear that you love us and if possible follow those words with a kind gesture. And to the wives (me included) let us remember that yes, the way to a man’s heart is to his stomach (at times), however we also need to learn patience, contentment, and encourage the husband in all the good he does for us and the family.

Marriage brings a mountain of responsiblities but with hardwork, dedication, optimism, communication, and mercy for one another; this rope that will develop strong knots along the way will bring endless bounties of blessings to us and to the ummah God willing.

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Dating in Islam – Q&A

Young Muslim faces

Dating in Islam –
Q & A

by Yasmin Mogahed
Reprinted from SuhaibWebb.com

Question: Is dating allowed in Islam so that I can get to know someone for marriage? It’s hard to get married and dating is normal in our society. Arranged marriages aren’t realistic for us nowadays.

Answer:

As-salamu `alaykum brother,

Thank you for the honest question you asked regarding dating. There are a number of issues that you brought up. First, you have pointed out that you live in a society where dating is the norm. While I understand and sympathize with that struggle, it is important to make clear that just because something is the norm in one’s society, does not justify participating in it. In the society that the Prophet (sal-Allahu alayhi wa-sallam)  lived, burying little girls alive was the norm. Of course, the principles of Islam prohibited such barbarism – regardless of what was widespread at the time.

In fact, the Prophet (sws)  has told us that those who follow the right path will always be ‘different’ or ‘strange’ to the mainstream. In one beautiful hadith, the Prophet (sws) says: “Islam began as something strange, and will revert to being strange as it began. So give glad tidings to the strangers.” Then the people asked, “Who are they (the strangers), O Messenger of Allah?” He answered, “Those who are pious and righteous when the people have become evil.” (Ahmad)

Secondly, you state the concern of getting to know someone for marriage. You explain that dating is needed since arranged marriages are not feasible. However, by saying this you imply that these are the only two routes to getting married. What you are forgetting is that there is a third option: the option taught to us by our beloved Prophet (sws). Let us examine each of the three options for meeting a marriage partner:

1) Dating

One option is dating. This option is prohibited for a number of reasons. First, the Prophet (sws) has taught us that it is haram for a non-mahram (unrelated) man and a woman to be alone together. This is called khilwa. He warns that if this happens, Shaytan (satan) will be present with them. The Prophet (sws) said: “Whenever a man is alone with a woman the Devil makes a third.” (Sahih Bukhari) Now it is important to note that Allah never prohibits something unless it is harmful to us. Let us examine for a moment the harm in this.

First, most reports of sexual abuse are not committed by strangers. In fact, according to the U.S. Department of Justice, 68% of young girls raped knew their rapist either as a boyfriend, friend or casual acquaintance, and 60% of rapes of young women occur in their own home or a friend or relative’s home – not in a dark alley. So, overwhelmingly, it is those people who you are out on a ‘date’ with that commit these crimes. Also, as dating has become more widespread in a society, so has unwanted pregnancy, as well as sexually transmitted diseases. By prohibiting khilwa, Allah, in His infinite wisdom, is protecting us.

Also, as you know even consensual extra-marital intercourse (zina) is a grave sin in Islam. But Allah did not just tell us not to commit zina. He says in the Qur’an: “Do not come close to zina for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).” (Qur’an, 17:32). One does not leave their infant to play on a highway, but hope they will not get hit by a car. One important Islamic principle is: prevention before cure. You do not come close to fire, and then wonder why you got burned. Therefore, Allah has prohibited anything that may lead to zina, namely khilwa (being in seclusion). Now if just being in seclusion is prohibited, what can be said about physical contact and the whole institution of dating?

In support of dating, some argue that it is needed in order to find a spouse. The irony in this is that dating does not increase marital success. In fact, the United States is a culture where dating is the norm. However, 50% of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology. And according to a study by the National Bureau of Economic Research, couples who lived together before marrying have nearly an 80 percent higher divorce rate than those who did not. So if dating is putting you at a higher risk of sexual abuse, sexually transmitted disease, and unwanted pregnancy, and it makes you no more likely to find a successful marriage partner – but in fact less likely – what logical person would chose this option, even if it were not prohibited by Islam?

2) Arranged Marriage

There is also the option of completely arranged marriages. While it is fine for parents or mutual friends to introduce two prospective partners, the Prophet (sws) has told us not to go into a marriage blindly. Once a man came to the Prophet (sws) and told him that he was going to get married. The Prophet (sws) asked if he had seen the woman. When the man said no, he said: “Go and look at her for it is more likely to engender love between the two of you.” (Ahmad)

3) Islamic Courting

Islam provides the balanced solution to courting, which protects the individual and the society, but does not have people enter marriage blindly. If there is a woman you are considering for marriage, you should approach her mahram (male relative). From there, many avenues exist to get to know her better, without having to be in seclusion or engaging in physical contact. Talking to someone over the phone, through email or the internet, or in the company of a mahram, gives you a chance to find out more about them, without crossing the boundaries set by Allah in His infinite wisdom. The Prophet Muhammad (sws) said, “Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him not have a private audience with a woman without her mahram.” (Ahmad)

This is the way designed by our Creator, who made everything in the universe, who knows what is hidden and what is open, who knows the future and the past, who knows us, better than we could ever know about ourselves. How could we ever think that a better system could exist than the one prescribed by our Maker and the master of the universe?

Wallahu `alam.

I pray that what I’ve said has been beneficial to you. Anything I said that was right, it is from Allah. Anything wrong, is from myself.

The End

That’s the end of Yasmin’s piece. I’d like to add a few comments of my own. Sister Yasmin’s article is informative and of course correct in all it’s statements of fact, but doesn’t really offer practical alternatives for men and women getting to know each other. Yasmin says, “If there is a woman you are considering for marriage, you should approach her mahram. From there, many avenues exist to get to know her better, without having to be in seclusion or engaging in physical contact.” Of course this is true, but how do you get to that point of choosing someone that you might be interested in for marriage? Just by seeing someone at work, school or a conference? That feels like taking an important step based on insufficient information.

I have three suggestions that would allow singles to meet in an Islamic manner, to get to know each other for marriage:

1. Internet matrimonial services. Of course we have online matrimonial services now – like Zawaj.com! That’s a good place to start, and does not require breaking any Islamic rules. Young people can read one another’s profiles, exchange a few anonymous messages through the matrimonial service’s messaging system, then if they find each other interesting they can take it offline and contact each other’s families.

2. Marriage events. I’m talking about organized marriage events where men and women can meet in a structured and supervised environment. This should be a more widely considered option. There are some organizations doing this already, but they tend to be held only occasionally in larger cities. Smaller cities rarely see such marriage events. I think local mosques should take the lead in organizing marriage events for the singles in their communities.

And every major Islamic conference should include such an event.

3. Imams as matchmakers. Maybe the Imam of each community (and his wife) should take it as one of the office’s functions to maintain a database of single brothers and sisters, and make suggestions and introductions. I’ve read about an Imam in New York who does that quite successfully.

We seem to have these two extremes – either an arranged marriage between cousins, which is generally unhealthy and seems to end in misery more often than not, or a free-for-all where young people must fend and seek for themselves, and often fall into sin.

As a community we must develop modern alternatives that satisfy Islamic requirements and allow single Muslim men and women to meet.

Wael Abdelgawad
Zawaj.com Editor

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