Marriage Articles
Muslims Balance Faith and Romance
By Brian Hughes
Reprinted from RedAndBlack.com
Not Complaining
In a college town ripe with one-night stands and hazy hookups, a sophomore from Augusta is somewhat of an anomaly – at 19 years old, he’s never been on a date.
But he’s not complaining.
As a devout Muslim, Bilal Yousufzai can’t engage in physical intimacy with a woman until marriage. That includes dating.
Even in the carefree days around the playground, he was asked about marriage.
Kids wondered if he was going to marry a stranger and needled him with comments about not being able to kiss a girl.
Now, while many students flock to downtown Athens (Georgia, USA) with their better halves, Yousufzai is more relieved than envious.
“After seeing all the crappy relationships my friends went through, I realized I wasn’t missing out on much,” he said.
But the celibacy wasn’t always easy, he said, especially on his teenage hormones.
Hammad Aslam, a sophomore from Snellville, Georgia, said the importance of dating in American youth culture makes some Muslims more susceptible to “give into temptation.” However, he said he was able to resist by turning his thoughts to matrimony.
“Marriage will make it worth the wait,” he said.
Road to marriage
After studying the teachings of Islam in high school, Yousufzai came to a better understanding of what marriage meant to Muslims.
He equated marriage to half of one’s religious faith and said intimacy with the opposite sex must be reserved for marriage, as demanded by Allah.
Unlike most Western societies, where people rely on an experimental method to finding a partner, searching for a spouse is more of a courtship process in Islamic cultures.
Finding a life partner is a family decision, not personal, according to Islamic tradition.
The practice differs from country to country, but generally families will meet and question the potential spouse for their kin. If both families approve, the couple can proceed with marriage. If not, they go their separate ways.
As president of the university’s Muslim Student Association, Yousufzai said he wanted the group to be the face of Islam on campus and help non-Muslims better understand the religion.
Aslam, the group’s vice-president, said misunderstandings of Islamic culture have intensified since Sept. 11.
“There’s a tendency to group all Muslims with Islamic radicals,” he said. “That couldn’t be further from the truth.”
He characterized the religion as peaceful and labeled true believers as steadfast in their desire to submit to God.
‘Not easy to be a Muslim’
In addition to restrictions on dating, Yousufzai makes numerous sacrifices daily.
He recites Salat, the five intermittent prayers from dusk to dawn which together are one of the pillars of Islam.
Muslims throughout the world are wrapping up the Feast of Ramadan, a month-long holiday in which practitioners don’t eat or drink during daylight hours.
Muslims believe the Quran was handed down from heaven during this period.
Yousufzai admitted he didn’t look forward to fasting, but said it gave him a newfound appreciation for daily gifts.
“It’s not easy to be a Muslim,” he said.
For one day, freshman Stephanie Jackson, from Warrior, Ala., got a taste of what it’s like to be a Muslim.
She participated in the Muslim Student Association’s 2006 Fast-A-Thon on Tuesday, where students were invited to participate in Ramadan.
After ignoring food cravings, Jackson alleviated her hunger once the sun set. First, she bit into a date, a symbolic representation of breaking a fast.
Nearly 100 people joined her in Myers Hall Tuesday night, gorging on pasta, bagels and cookies.
“The eating part wasn’t the problem,” Jackson said of the experience. “Refraining from negative thoughts, that was the issue.”
Muslims are taught to avoid both positive and negative thoughts during the fast. Jackson knew it would be a problem when she received a parking ticket the night before.
“When I went to pay my ticket, I kept telling myself ‘they’re just doing their job,'” she said. “I tried my best to stay composed.”
As a resident assistant in Rutherford Hall, junior Katie Ames was required to participate in an event that exposed her to a culture she was unfamiliar with. She chose to participate in Ramadan for five straight days.
Her main pitfall was a juicy habit.
“On the last night, I felt bad because I remembered I ate bacon,” she said.
According to Islam, Muslims aren’t allowed to consume pork.
Ames said she came away from the event with a new admiration for Muslims’ dedication.
Dating: Not against Quran
Enjoying the temporary break Tuesday night from fasting, University graduate Amber Paul reminisced about her days at the University. She mentioned having a number of fellow Muslims who dated regularly.
Although the Winder native said most Muslims don’t associate dating with damnation, she pointed to refraining from the practice as a safeguard against a major sin – premarital sex.
Major sins are acts specifically prohibited in the Quran.
“It’s not like you will burn in hell just for dating,” she said.
Freshman and fellow Muslim Sahir Ahsan offered a different perspective.
“I don’t have a problem with dating,” he said. “Islam has found a way to assimilate with Western culture.”
Ahsan said his beliefs were in no way contradictory to Islam.
Thousands of Muslims have turned to the Internet to meet their needs for companionship, while avoiding the dreaded label of dating.
Zawaj.com, a company based in Fresno, Calif., is an online outlet for Muslims to place matrimonial advertisements.
According to the site’s administrator, Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, the Web site has more than 50,000 registered members.
There are now more than 10,000 marriage ads for members to browse.
Yousufzai said he wasn’t vehemently opposed to such programs but added he would never use one himself.
“They make me laugh,” he said of the online relationships.
“I would like to meet my partner in person, but that’s just me.”
Regardless of their theological differences, many Muslims at the Fast-A-Thon were looking forward to Monday, or Eid-al-Fitr, which marks the end of Ramadan.
“Monday, we’re going to party like crazy,” Yousufzai said. “And by party, I mean eat everything in sight.”
Teenage Girls Search for Love and Marriage in Saudi Arabia
Love on Girls’ Side of the Saudi Divide
Reprinted from the New York Times
By Katherine Zoepf
May 13, 2008
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia The dance party in Atheer Jassem al-Othman’s living room was in full swing. The guests about two dozen girls in their late teens had arrived, and Ms. Othman and her mother were passing around cups of sweet tea and dishes of dates.
About half the girls were swaying and gyrating, without the slightest self-consciousness, among overstuffed sofas, heavy draperies, tables larded with figurines and ornately-covered tissue boxes. Their head-to-toe abayas, balled up and tossed onto chairs, looked like black cloth puddles.
Suddenly, the music stopped, and an 18-year-old named Alia tottered forward.
“Girls? I have something to tell you,” Alia faltered, appearing to sway slightly on her high heels. She paused anxiously, and the next words came out in a rush. “I’ve gotten engaged!” There was a chorus of shrieks at the surprise announcement and Alia burst into tears, as did several of the other girls.
Ms. Othman’s mother smiled knowingly and left the room, leaving the girls to their moment of emotion. The group has been friends since they were of middle-school age, and Alia would be the first of them to marry.
A cellphone picture of Alia’s fiancé - a 25-year-old military man named Badr - was passed around, and the girls began pestering Alia for the details of her showfa. A showfa literally, a “viewing” usually occurs on the day that a Saudi girl is engaged.
A girl’s suitor, when he comes to ask her father for her hand in marriage, has the right to see her dressed without her abaya.
In some families, he may have a supervised conversation with her. Ideally, many Saudis say, her showfa will be the only time in a girl’s life that she is seen this way by a man outside her family.
The separation between the sexes in Saudi Arabia is so extreme that it is difficult to overstate. Saudi women may not drive, and they must wear black abayas and head coverings in public at all times. They are spirited around the city in cars with tinted windows, attend girls-only schools and university departments, and eat in special “family” sections of cafes and restaurants, which are carefully partitioned from the sections used by single male diners.
Special women-only gyms, women-only boutiques and travel agencies, even a women-only shopping mall, have been established in Riyadh in recent years to serve women who did not previously have access to such places unless they were chaperoned by a male relative.
Playful as they are, girls like Ms. Othman and her friends are well aware of the limits that their conservative society places on their behavior. And, for the most part, they say that they do not seriously question those limits.
Most of the girls say their faith, in the strict interpretation of Islam espoused by the Wahhabi religious establishment here, runs very deep. They argue a bit among themselves about the details whether it is acceptable to have men on your Facebook friend list, or whether a male first cousin should ever be able to see you without your face covered. And they peppered this reporter with questions about what the young Saudi men she had met were thinking about and talking about.
But they seem to regard the idea of having a conversation with a man before their showfas and subsequent engagements with very real horror. When they do talk about girls who chat with men online or who somehow find their own fiancés, these stories have something of the quality of urban legends about them: fuzzy in their particulars, told about friends of friends, or “someone in my sister’s class.”
Well-brought-up unmarried young women here are so isolated from boys and men that when they talk about them, it sometimes sounds as if they are discussing a different species.
Questions for the Fiancé
Later that evening, over fava bean stew, salad, and meat-filled pastries, Alia revealed that she was to be allowed to speak to her fiancé on the phone. Their first phone conversation was scheduled for the following day, she said, and she was so worried about what to say to Badr that she was compiling a list of questions.
“Ask him whether he likes his work,” one of her friends suggested. “Men are supposed to love talking about their work.”
“Ask him what kind of cellphone he has, and what kind of car,” suggested another. “That way you’ll be able to find out how he spends his money, whether he’s free with it or whether he’s stingy.”
Alia nodded earnestly, dark ringlets bouncing, and took notes. She had been so racked with nerves during her showfa that she had almost dropped the tray of juice her father had asked her to bring in to her fiancé, and she could hardly remember a thing he had said. She was to learn a bit more about him during this next conversation.
According to about 30 Saudi girls and women between ages 15 and 25, all interviewed during December, January and February, it is becoming more and more socially acceptable for young engaged women to speak to their fiancés on the phone, though more conservative families still forbid all contact between engaged couples.
It is considered embarrassing to admit to much strong feeling for a fiancé before the wedding and, before their engagements, any kind of contact with a man is out of the question. Even so, young women here sometimes resort to clandestine activities to chat with or to meet men, or simply to catch a rare glimpse into the men’s world.
Though it is as near to hand as the offices they pass each morning on the way to college, or the majlis, a traditional home reception room, where their fathers and brothers entertain friends, the men’s world is so remote from them that some Saudi girls resort to disguise in order to venture into it.
At Prince Sultan University, where Atheer Jassem al-Othman, 18, is a first-year law student, a pair of second-year students recently spent a mid-morning break between classes showing off photographs of themselves dressed as boys.
In the pictures, the girls wore thobes, the ankle-length white garments traditionally worn by Saudi men, and had covered their hair with the male headdresses called shmaghs. One of the girls had used an eyeliner pencil to give herself a grayish, stubble-like mist along her jaw line. Displayed on the screens of the two girls’ cellphones, the photographs evoked little exclamations of congratulation as they were passed around.
“A lot of girls do it,” said an 18-year-old named Sara al-Tukhaifi who explained that a girl and her friends might cross-dress, sneaking thobes out of a brother’s closet, then challenge each other to enter the Saudi male sphere in various ways, by walking nonchalantly up to the men-only counter in a McDonalds, say, or even by driving.
“It’s just a game,” Ms. Tukhaifi said, although detention by the religious police is always a possibility. “I haven’t done it myself, but those two are really good at it. They went into a store and pretended to be looking at another girl they even got her to turn her face away.”
Grinning, Ms. Tukhaifi mimicked the gesture, pressing her face into the corner of her hijab with exaggerated pretend modesty while her classmate Shaden giggled. Saudi newspapers often lament the rise of rebellious behavior among young Saudis. There are reports of a recent spate of ugly confrontations between youths and the religious police, and of a supposed increase in same-sex love affairs among young people frustrated at the strict division between the genders.
And certainly, practices like “numbering” where a group of young men in a car chase another car they believe to contain young women, and try to give the women their phone number via Bluetooth, or by holding a written number up to the window have become a very visible part of Saudi urban life.
Flirting by Phone
A woman can’t switch her phone’s Bluetooth feature on in a public place without receiving a barrage of the love poems and photos of flowers and small children which many Saudi men keep stored on their phones for purposes of flirtation. And last year, Al Arabiya television reported that some young Saudis have started buying special “electronic belts,” which use Bluetooth technology to discreetly beam the wearer’s cellphone number and e-mail address at passing members of the opposite sex.
Ms. Tukhaifi and Shaden know of girls in their college who have passionate friendships, possibly even love affairs, with other girls but they say that this, like the cross-dressing, is just a “game” born of frustration, something that will inevitably end when the girls in question become engaged. And they and their friends say that they find the experience of being chased by boys in cars to be frightening, and insist that they do not know any girl who has actually spoken to a boy who contacted her via Bluetooth.
“If your family found out you were talking to a man online, that’s not quite as bad as talking to him on the phone,” Ms. Tukhaifi explained. “With the phone, everyone can agree that is forbidden, because Islam forbids a stranger to hear your voice. Online he only sees your writing, so that’s slightly more open to interpretation.
“One test is that if you’re ashamed to tell your family something, then you know for sure it’s wrong,” Ms. Tukhaifi continued. “For a while I had Facebook friends who were boys I didn’t e-mail with them or anything, but they asked me to ‘friend’ them and so I did. But then I thought about my family and I took them off the list.”
Ms. Tukhaifi and Shaden both spoke admiringly of the religious police, whom they see as the guardians of perfectly normal Saudi social values, and Shaden boasted lightly about an older brother who has become multazim, very strict in his faith, and who has been seeing to it that all her family members become more punctilious in their religious observance. “Praise be to God, he became multazim when he was in ninth grade,” Shaden recalled, fondly. “I remember how he started to grow his beard it was so wispy when it started and to wear a shorter thobe.” Saudi men often grow their beards long and wear their thobes cut above the ankles as signals of their religious devotion.
“I always go to him when I have problems,” said Shaden who, like many of the young Saudi women interviewed for this article, spoke on the condition that her last name be omitted. “And he’s not too strict he still listens to music sometimes. I asked him once, ‘You do everything right and yet you’re listening to music?’ He said, ‘I know music is haram, and inshallah, with time I will be able to stop listening to music too.’ ” Haram means forbidden, and inshallah means “God willing.”
She added, “I told him, ‘I want a husband like you.’ ”
Separated From Cousins
Shaden lives in a large walled compound in a prosperous Riyadh suburb; her father’s brothers live with their families in separate houses within the compound, and the families share a common garden and pool. Shaden and several of her male cousins grew up playing together constantly, tearing around the pool together during the summer, and enjoying shared vacations.
Now that, at 17, she is considered an adult Saudi woman and must confine herself to the female sphere, she sometimes misses their company.
“Until I was in 9th or 10th grade, we used to put a carpet on the lawn and we would take hot milk and sit there with my boy cousins,” Shaden recalled, at home one February evening, in front of the television. She was serving a few female guests a party dip of her own invention, a concoction of yogurt, mayonnaise and thyme.
“But my mom and their mom got uncomfortable with it, and so we stopped,” she said. “Now we sometimes talk on MSN, or on the phone, but they shouldn’t ever see my face.”
“My sister and I sometimes ask my mom, ‘Why didn’t you breast-feed our boy cousins, too?’ ” Shaden continued.
She was referring to a practice called milk kinship that predates Islam and is still common in the Persian Gulf countries. A woman does not have to veil herself in front of a man she nursed as an infant, and neither do her biological children. The woman’s biological children and the children she has nursed are considered “milk siblings” and are prohibited from marrying.
“If my mom had breast-fed my cousins, we could sit with them, and it would all be much easier,” Shaden said. She turned back to the stack of DVDs she had been rifling through, and held up a copy of Pride and Prejudice, the version with Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennet, a film she says she has seen dozens of times.
“It’s a bit like our society, I think,” Shaden said of late Georgian England. “It’s dignified, and a bit strict. Doesn’t it remind you a little bit of Saudi Arabia? It’s my favorite DVD.”
Shaden sighed, deeply. “When Darcy comes to Elizabeth and says ‘I love you’ that’s exactly the kind of love I want.”
Advice for Newly Married Couples, Part 1: Cultivate Compassion
By Wael Abdelgawad for Zawaj.com
Cultivate Compassion
If I could offer newly married couples one piece of advice, it would be to cultivate compassion between yourselves. There comes a time when the exciting honeymoon period wears off, and some of your partner’s little quirks that you thought were cute become annoying.
His habit of eating three bags of microwaveable popcorn back to back, which you once thought was hilarious, now irks you, because he’s filling up on junk food between meals and won’t be hungry for the dinner you are in the process of preparing.
Her habit of chewing her fingernails, which you once though revealed some deep-seated anxiety and made you want to comfort her, now just means that your wife has ugly fingernails.
In addition, you begin to learn about your partner as a real person, with greater strengths than you imagined, and deeper flaws. You imagined he’d give up late nights with his friends after marriage, but he continues, even when you complain. Or you, the husband, knew she had a temper – it made her fiery and passionate and maybe kind of sexy – but when you’re on the receiving end of name-calling, it’s no longer attractive.
That’s the time when it’s so important to be able to forgive mistakes, and to look upon your partner with kindness. That’s the time when you must respond to difficult situations not by holding grudges but by showing love. That’s the time when you must learn to control your anger, hold your tongue, and speak only out of kindness.
After all, Allah SWT says:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Quran 30:21)
Notice how affection and mercy go hand in hand.
And the Messenger of Allah (sws) said:
“The merciful will be shown mercy by the Most Merciful. Be merciful to those on the earth and the One in the heavens will have mercy upon you.” Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1924
That’s not to say that you must accept every one of your partners flaws as-is. Some things are open to negotiation. Some, especially if they are serious, can be addressed through couples therapy. Just know, going in, that these problems will occur. Divorce is not the answer (except when it is – I’ll get to that later), nor is fighting, screaming or a “temporary separation” where the two of you rent separate apartments, one one partner goes back to live with the parents.
Perfect Doesn’t Exist
If you expect perfection, you will be disappointed. You’ll find out that your wife snores, or spends too much money on clothes. Your husband is egotistical, explains things you already know (mansplaining, as they call it now), or is tight with money.
Maybe you look at your friends and wonder whey their husbands or wives are so much better than yours. Guess what? They’re not.
Every relationship harbors problems, sadnesses and even tragedies that are invisible to outsiders.
The grass is always greener on the other side, except that’s it’s not. It’s just that, from a distance, you can’t see the brown patches.
See Problems as Opportunities
Instead of turning little problems into bigger ones, turn little problems into an opportunity to grow closer to your partner by developing a deep bond of trust. That trust comes from knowing that your love is strong enough to survive difficulties and overcome them.
Is your wife putting on some pounds, and you’re not finding her as attractive? Start a routine of taking an evening walk, and invite her to join you. As you get fit together, you grow closer. Plus, when the two of you are basking in that sweet post-workout afterglow, with the endorphins flowing, it could lead to further intimacy.
Are the two of you broke, with no money for shopping or dining out? Among my best memories are making a meal of rice, green beans and canned tuna with my wife (now my ex, and I’ll say more about that later), and sitting out on the front stoop at sunset, watching the neighborhood kids playing outside. Or shopping at the thrift store with my daughter, picking out nice outfits for a fraction of the retail cost.
Problems – read challenges – are also an opportunity to strengthen your faith, by drawing closer to the Creator. Place your trust in Allah and practice your deen as a family.
So don’t look at problems as explosive mines, or trap doors that will doom the marriage. Instead see them as challenges to be overcome together, and opportunities to strengthen the bond between you.
Next: Advice for Newly Married Couples, Part 2 – Open Your Heart
Why Millions of Muslims Are Signing Up For Online Matchmaking
By Lydia Green for BBC Arabic
Reprinted from BBC Online
Arranged marriages are standard practice in many societies, but the introductions and screening process can be an ordeal for the young people involved – even if they are pleased with the eventual outcome. Some Western Muslims have concluded that online matchmaking can help reduce embarrassment.
“You don’t like her? Why not? She got two legs, she got two arms, she’s a professional. How can you not like her?”
Adeem Younis remembers all too well the trials of his family-orchestrated matchmaking. “Someone would be brought round for an evening meal and it was a really big deal. The samosas came out and the chicken and the chapattis… It was so highly pressurised.”
Along with others in Europe and the US, Younis began looking for samosa-free ways to help young Muslims tie the knot, and Muslim online matchmaking was born.
Sometime in the last decade or so, online dating became a mainstream activity, in Europe and North America at least. These days everyone is at it, from the likes of Halle Berry and Adele – both say they have given it a go – to your aunt, my grandmother, and half the people swinging like coat hangers on the early morning commute.
So perhaps it’s not surprising that Western Muslims adapted the idea to their needs. For many, online dating offers a low-stress solution to the daunting challenge of finding a partner for marriage in countries where few share their faith, and in communities where matchmaking is considered a family affair.
Younis’s own matchmaking site, SingleMuslim.com, which he founded above a fast-food shop in Wakefield while still a lowly undergraduate, now boasts more than a million members.
However, as the young entrepreneur tells me, to call the practice “Muslim online dating” would be inaccurate. The goal of such sites is often far more ambitious than the average hook-up website. Instead of hazy morning-after memories and hopes of receiving a follow-through text message, sites like SingleMuslim.com aim to provide clients with a partner for life. It is a responsibility not to be taken lightly.
“In Islam, marriage is equal to half of your religion,” he says, quoting a saying thought to have been uttered by the Prophet Mohammed, “so you can imagine how important it is… Islam teaches us that marriage is the cornerstone of society as a whole.”
SingleMuslim.com now claims a success rate of about four matches per day. But the site is just one example of a booming market serving Muslims of all ages and degrees of religiosity.
For example, there is Muslimmatrimony.com, which allows members to search for partners not only by sect, but by the particular doctrine of Islam that they follow and the languages they speak.
Another, HipsterShaadi.com used to market itself as the site for people looking for a partner with whom to “write poetry and dance in the rain” but of whom their parents will also approve. It has now changed its name to ishqr.com and says it is the place for feminists looking for a “bold, humble, feminist brother or a Rumi-and-granola-loving Muslim”.
Muhammad met his wife Catherine through an online matchmaking site four years ago. Today he is happily married with two children. But his search for marital bliss wasn’t always an easy ride.
“There isn’t that scope to meet people,” Muhammad says. “Devout Muslims don’t go pubbing and clubbing. In typical Western cultures that’s OK, but in Muslim culture it’s frowned upon. So there are very few avenues, apart from family contact, for matchmaking to occur.”
Muhammad had been on various secular dating websites before he decided to give Muslim online matchmaking a try.
“It was round about Easter 2010 when I first emailed Catherine,” he recollects. “Things escalated very, very rapidly. Three or four months from initial contact we got married – we just knew really. When you meet the right person, you know.”
Muhammad, who is of Bangladeshi origin, and Catherine, who is British and converted to Islam at university, may seem like an unusual couple, but in many ways their relationship exemplifies the kind of relationships that these websites seek to endorse.
“The identity of global Islam is not physical, it’s more ideological – its constituency is a global constituency,” says Mbaye Lo, professor of Arabic at Duke University and author of an academic paper titled Muslim Marriage Goes Online.
“That is why the websites often show an African Muslim man with an Indo-Pakistani girl, for example, on their main page. They portray themselves in a physical manner that postulates Islam’s globality in order to engage people on a global level and give them more of a global outlook, a global citizenship.”
According to Lo, the websites not only encourage global citizenship, they also allow young people in conservative countries to choose potential matches with greater freedom. “The status quo in many countries doesn’t always favour women in making choices – the internet makes meeting easier culturally,” he says.
Riad, who hails from the Tunisian capital Tunis, met his wife online in 2012. “I fell in love with her the moment I saw her,” he recollects, “a real coup de foudre”.
However, like many in the Middle East and North Africa, he has reservations about online dating. Despite his own positive experience, he would not necessarily recommend it to others. “The virtual world is a world of lies,” he warns, “you just don’t know who you are talking to.”
Unlike in the West, where Muslim online matchmaking often appeals to young people with a strong religious identity, in Tunisia, Riad tells me, the opposite is true.
“Very religious families would prefer that their children meet future partners in the traditional ways, through the family. They take the view that meeting a partner online isn’t natural and they are therefore very suspicious.”
In the West, however, the industry is booming. Younis, who set up SingleMuslim.com in 2000, never imagined it would turn into a full-time career.
However, 14 years on, the website has given him more than one thing to be proud of. A few years after setting up the site, the young entrepreneur found a wife of his own online. He is now a proud father of four, his last child, a healthy little girl, having been born while this article was being written.
Traditional Rural and Ethnic Iranian Weddings: 20 Beautiful Photos
Iran is an amazing land with a huge variety of ethnic subgroups, each with their own unique wedding customs. There are the Qashqai nomads, the Kurds, Azeris, Turkmen, Kazakhs and more.
Click on the thumbnails below to see the larger photos:
All About South African Muslim Weddings, Part 1
All About South African Muslim Weddings, Part 1
By Zeenat Mowzer
Reprinted from w24.co.za
The first entry of a three-part series telling you everything you need to know about Muslim weddings in South Africa.
Although they share a religion, cultural customs differ between Muslims from various countries or demographic groups. Because of this, each Muslim community will have a unique set of wedding festivities. In South Africa, most of these festivities are inspired by Indian and Cape Malay traditions.
Over the next few weeks, we will give you the low-down of South African Muslim weddings – from the proposal, right up until the couple’s photo shoot.
For now, we chat about pre-wedding events, the ceremony and attire.
Pre-wedding events
Although it can be overwhelming to have a romantic proposal that gives you all the feels, that often doesn’t happen in the Muslim community. This is mainly because Islamic rules place limitations on the interaction between unmarried males and females – even if they do consider themselves an item.
Because of this, proposals are typically formal and can sometimes be business-like. The groom visits the bride’s father’s home to ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage. This can be nerve-racking for the poor guy, which explains why he may have a few family members in tow for moral support. The bride makes the final call, and if it’s a yes, the celebrations can begin.
Indian Muslim families host a ritual called a mangla, which announces to the couple’s extended family that they will be getting married. At this event, the groom once again visits the bride and her family, although this could be at a hall rather than her home. A high tea is usually the order of the day at a mangla.
The engagement party is a separate occasion, normally hosted by the bride and her family. At this event, Indian Muslim brides sport traditional garb such as punjabis, ghararas or saris. At the engagement party venue, the bride sits on a stage in front of all her guests as she waits for her groom to arrive.
Just before he makes his entrance, his family brings in a variety of beautifully wrapped “engagement parcels” for the bride. In very conservative families, these parcels are made up of Eastern sweet meats and fabric (which she is expected to take to her local dressmaker). The parcels are exhibited on tables. It’s almost like they’re artifacts at a museum.
A typical groom’s entrance involves a suit-clad chap on his best behavior, slowly walking to the sound of a Bollywood ballad. In his hand is a bouquet of flowers, which he gifts to the bride on the stage.
What’s more important than the flowers though, is the revealing of the bride’s engagement ring. A confident “Yes!”, or a tearful nod of the head, is a Non-muslim groom’s cue to slip the ring onto the bride’s finger. However, female family members of an Indian Muslim groom put the ring on for the bride, along with other jewelry.
It doesn’t end there. Some Indian Muslim families really do love to turn weddings into an all-week extravaganza. This means that the engagement party occasionally happens in the week of the wedding. There could be a social gathering every other night during that week, perhaps a braai, a family dinner or even a karaoke evening.
An affair that the ladies look forward to is the henna evening. As the name implies, henna is applied for the bride at this event. In certain families, old (and often tone-deaf) aunties sing Indian songs for the bride as she has her henna done. It’s not always the most melodious music to listen to, but shame, they mean well.
Cape Malay families on the other hand are not as big on pre-wedding events. They don’t regularly have week-long celebrations, but they do make an event of taking the bride’s clothes over to her new home.
She and her family pack her clothes in decorative boxes, sometimes tied with a ribbon. Before leaving the bride’s home, a prayer is conducted. The groom’s family is on standby to welcome the bride’s family at the couple’s home-to-be, and offer them refreshments.
Muslim Wedding Ceremony (Nikah)
A Muslim wedding ceremony is most commonly known by its Arabic term, nikkah. (Zawaj.com Editorś note: it should more properly be spelled nikah, with one k). The nikkah typically happens at a mosque, on the morning of the wedding day, before the reception. However, some Muslim couples do away with tradition, by opting to have it at their reception venue, or in the afternoon.
Before the nikkah, the bride’s home is full of life, with little cousins, grandmothers and aunties, walking in and out of the bride’s room to try and help her get ready. Sometimes it all gets a bit too much for the bride, and she is left with no choice but to lock her door.
The bride herself has no role to play in her wedding ceremony, as the nikkah is essentially a procedure whereby the groom accepts a proposal from the bride’s father, to marry her to him. Because of this, many brides choose not to go to their nikkah, and await their groom at their home, or in a hall close to the mosque.
Nevertheless, more and more brides are beginning to visit the mosque since the nikkah is what makes the marriage official, and they don’t want to miss that. Female guests keep the bride company, wherever she may be, while the male guests escort the groom.
Although this does not usually take the place of the wedding reception, light snacks and desserts are served at a small gathering after the nikkah. This is a rather emotional time for the couple because they see each other as husband and wife for the first time.
They share an intimate moment as they slide on each other’s wedding bands. The classic “you may kiss the bride” moment isn’t a rite of passage at a Muslim wedding, but he’ll probably give her a peck on the cheek or forehead.
Nikah Attire
In most cases, traditional religious or cultural garments are worn for the nikkah, and Western garments are donned for the reception. With the wide range of attire on show, weddings are like fashion parades with the bridal couple as the star act.
For the groom, traditional religious clothes would be a long, white robe, sometimes worn with a turban, or a hat known as a fez. In the Indian culture, it is customary for the groom to wear a kurta, an ensemble consisting of a long top and pants. He then changes in to a suit or tuxedo for the reception. Looking at his outfit changes, he pretty much goes from Sheik/Bollywood movie star to James Bond within a day.
The dress code for Muslim women obligates them to cover their entire bodies, although it’s fine for their face and hands to be exposed. This applies on their wedding day as well. Because the nikkah is the most sacred part of the wedding, most brides try to follow this dress code during the nikkah, but relax the rules at the reception.
Conventional religious apparel for a bride would be a headscarf and an abaya, which is also a long robe, yet more intricately embellished than that worn by the groom. Indian Muslim brides frequently wear detailed sari’s, accessorised by bold jewellery and dramatic eye makeup. Brides, who want to add a modern twist to their nikkah outfit, wear a formal dress, much like an evening gown.
The reception is the bride’s opportunity to transform herself into the fairytale princess that her 5-year-old self always dreamed of. Thus, Muslim brides normally wear a white Western wedding dress, which is majority of the time, more elaborate than their nikkah dress.
Most brides decide to have their wedding dress made by a resident dressmaker, recommended by her sister’s friend’s mother’s half-sister- or something like that. However, for added convenience or because of short time frames for wedding planning, brides may opt to buy a wedding dress from a bridal boutique.
Stay Tuned for Part 2!
If you think I’m beautiful…
The famous Islamic scholar Rabia al Adawiyya was walking one day, when she saw a man staring at her. She asked him, “What is it?!”
He replied, “I have never seen anyone more beautiful than you, are you married?”
“If you think I’m beautiful,” Rabia said, “you should see my sister, who’s walking behind me.”
The man looked behind her but saw nobody. “Where? I don’t see anyone.”
Rabia replied, “If you were worth marrying, you wouldn’t have looked behind me, you would have said, ‘there can be nobody more beautiful than you.’ Now get away from me!”
How an Arranged Marriage Worked for Me
By Feni Shah. Reprinted from AkkarBakkar.com
I was 24 when I got engaged and it was actually a miracle. A girl who never understood the concept of arranged marriages and was always of the opinion that it’s impossible to judge someone in a few meetings, was suddenly so positive about a guy in the first meeting. I come from a nuclear family and his was a big joint family with 14 people staying in one house.
India is known for joint families and most of the time, staying with mothers-in-law is unavoidable and also painful. After marriage when a girl goes to stay with her in-laws, even a simple day to day life looks like war for her. A war of emotions, a war of preferences, interest, love, and even living becomes a whole big fight. I think nobody ever understood why mothers-in-law are so difficult to handle.
My case is very different and that’s why I’m writing this. Every time I listen to the miseries of my friends who go through hell with their husbands’ families, I always thank my stars. My mother-in-law is nothing like what I hear of from my friends. She’s a loving woman. I smile a little more in my house because of her.
It’s been a year that I’ve been married but not once have I heard a knock on my room’s door early in the morning. I’m free to put my alarm on snooze and sleep some more. In fact she keeps telling me to go back to sleep when I wake up early on holidays.
Usually I’ve heard my friends complain that they are supposed to cook and come to office and go back home and cook again. In my case, I always have my tiffin ready and hot and fresh food available by the time I come back home from work. This credit also goes to the joint family I live in. The small things that my mother-in-law does like, she always ensures that when I leave for work, I have a glass of milk or she will make sure I carry a fruit with me to the office to have it in evening — all of this makes me feel at home.
There are times when I’m angry and just then, I remember the first advice ever given to me by my mother-in-law — “LET GO”. and I actually let go and ignore it, trust me, the situation becomes much easier to handle.
I just want to thank her for being a part of my dream. With her and my husband and the entire family’s support in this one year I have again started studying and pursuing my Master’s in Law. I was always passionate about teaching and with their encouragement, I gave it a try. I got selected as visiting faculty in one of the colleges for teaching Law. Also being a Company Secretary by profession, with the support of my family, I have started my own firm along with my existing job.
Everyone says that a mother-in-law can never be a mother, but in my case, she is my mother, I just met her 24 years too late in my life. She is the heroine of my story and I can’t thank her enough for being one.
Author’s Note:
This is my personal story. Today is my first anniversary and I thought I should gift my husband something. But then before him, I want to gift something to the lady who made marriage so simple for me.
Nikah Khutbah Video by Imam Zaid Shakir of USA
Wael Abdelgawad | Zawaj.com
Imam Zaid Shakir is the co-founder of Zaytuna Institute and is Imam of the Lighthouse Mosque in Oakland, California. He is well known as a religious thinker, speaker, educator and activist for justice. Here he speaks beautifully about the necessary qualities of a successful marriage.
The Imam pointed out that while today shyness is often seen as a personality flaw, in Islam shyness or hayaa’ is a branch of faith and is a virtue.
Another important quality is beauty. While it is important for marriage partner to beautify themselves for each other, it is more important to beautify themselves spiritually, because physical beauty fades, but spiritual beauty can grow and increase. The relationship that was once sustained by physical beauty is then sustained by spiritual beauty.
Imam Zaid mentioned permanence. He said that the newlywed couple enters the marriage with an attitude of permanence, firmly intending to be together for life, and even after life in the aakhirah inshaAllah. By holding to this concept of permanence, they ensure that they will remain together through good times and bad.
Remembrance of Allah is another key. Keeping the remembrance of Allah on your tongues, in your lives and in your homes, prevents Shaytan from interfering with your marriage and causing division between you.
62 Year Old Saudi Prince Pays $50 million for 25 Year Old Bride!
Reprinted from Punch
May 1, 2018
Saudi prince, Sultan Bin Salman, has allegedly paid the sum of $50m (about N18bn) as bride price for his new wife, a 25-year-old woman.
It was gathered that the bride, who is believed to be a national of United Arab Emirates, received numerous gifts for her elaborate wedding, aside from the $50m bride price.
No fewer than 30 large boxes were offloaded from a white luxurious bus to be presented to the bride’s family.
A chariot filled with gifts for the bride and her family was also seen at the venue of the wedding.
Stories about the elaborate wedding, which took place at the Four Seasons Hotel in Kuwait at Burj Alshaya, have gone viral on the internet, with many reactions trailing it.
A Twitter user, Amal Abdul @amalabdul, shared the details of the wedding on her handle. She tweeted:
“Sultan bin Salman Saudi prince 68 years old married a 25yr old girl. Her dowry was 50M dollars, the convoy had about 20-30 white range rovers, a lot of diamonds as gift and this was her in the wedding gown.”
Amal posted this photo, showing the bride in a wedding dress apparently large enough to make tents for 50 refugees:
Sultan Salman Abdulaziz al-Saud was born in 1956 in Riyadh, so he was actually 62 at the time of the wedding, not 68. He was the first Saudi, Arab or Muslim to travel into space, which he did in 1985 aboard NASA’s space shuttle Discovery. His father has been king of Saudi Arabia since 2015.
Here is a video of the wedding:
My Reaction
I’m honestly sick of reading about Saudi princes buying 300 million dollar homes, a $450 million painting, a half billion dollar yacht. Meanwhile Muslims are dying in refugee camps, starving in Yemen (due to bombing by the Saudis themselves), suffering in Palestine… It’s wretched and disgusting.
It doesn’t bother me that the “groom” is 62 and the bride is 25. I don’t care that this is a cynical arrangement in which he gets a sexy young wife and she gets a filthy rich old geezer. They both know what they’re getting. They’re adults and can make their own choices.
What bothers me is the way the wealth and resources of the Ummah are being squandered. These Saudi royals did not do anything to earn this money with their own hands. They happened to be sitting on top of immense oil fields. Almost overnight they went from being simple Bedouins to the richest people in the world.
This resource is a gift to them from Allah. In fact it is a gift to all Muslims. It is their duty to use it to help all suffering people. Furthermore they should be using this wealth to ensure a future for their own nation after the oil runs out. It should be used to educate the populace to a high level, and to develop industries and technologies that will enable Saudi Arabia to become a world leader.
Instead the money is being wasted on frivolous things, and is being spent to fund wars that harm innocents.
I can understand the impulse to say, “Oh, but it’s so romantic, like a fairytale.” But I don’t agree. All the fairy tales I know are about the brave prince rescuing the damsel in distress.Not about a prince wasting all the kingdom’s wealth on diamonds, chariots and Range Rovers.
So? What do you think?
– Wael Abdelgawad, Zawaj.com Editor
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Teenage Girls Search for Love and Marriage in Saudi Arabia
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Advice for Newly Married Couples, Part 1: Cultivate Compassion
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The Importance of the Mehr in Islam
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Why Millions of Muslims Are Signing Up For Online Matchmaking
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Traditional Rural and Ethnic Iranian Weddings: 20 Beautiful Photos
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All About South African Muslim Weddings, Part 1
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If you think I’m beautiful…
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How an Arranged Marriage Worked for Me
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Nikah Khutbah Video by Imam Zaid Shakir of USA
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62 Year Old Saudi Prince Pays $50 million for 25 Year Old Bride!