Courtship in Islam
Teenage Girls Search for Love and Marriage in Saudi Arabia
Love on Girls’ Side of the Saudi Divide
Reprinted from the New York Times
By Katherine Zoepf
May 13, 2008
RIYADH, Saudi Arabia The dance party in Atheer Jassem al-Othman’s living room was in full swing. The guests about two dozen girls in their late teens had arrived, and Ms. Othman and her mother were passing around cups of sweet tea and dishes of dates.
About half the girls were swaying and gyrating, without the slightest self-consciousness, among overstuffed sofas, heavy draperies, tables larded with figurines and ornately-covered tissue boxes. Their head-to-toe abayas, balled up and tossed onto chairs, looked like black cloth puddles.
Suddenly, the music stopped, and an 18-year-old named Alia tottered forward.
“Girls? I have something to tell you,” Alia faltered, appearing to sway slightly on her high heels. She paused anxiously, and the next words came out in a rush. “I’ve gotten engaged!” There was a chorus of shrieks at the surprise announcement and Alia burst into tears, as did several of the other girls.
Ms. Othman’s mother smiled knowingly and left the room, leaving the girls to their moment of emotion. The group has been friends since they were of middle-school age, and Alia would be the first of them to marry.
A cellphone picture of Alia’s fiancé - a 25-year-old military man named Badr - was passed around, and the girls began pestering Alia for the details of her showfa. A showfa literally, a “viewing” usually occurs on the day that a Saudi girl is engaged.
A girl’s suitor, when he comes to ask her father for her hand in marriage, has the right to see her dressed without her abaya.
In some families, he may have a supervised conversation with her. Ideally, many Saudis say, her showfa will be the only time in a girl’s life that she is seen this way by a man outside her family.
The separation between the sexes in Saudi Arabia is so extreme that it is difficult to overstate. Saudi women may not drive, and they must wear black abayas and head coverings in public at all times. They are spirited around the city in cars with tinted windows, attend girls-only schools and university departments, and eat in special “family” sections of cafes and restaurants, which are carefully partitioned from the sections used by single male diners.
Special women-only gyms, women-only boutiques and travel agencies, even a women-only shopping mall, have been established in Riyadh in recent years to serve women who did not previously have access to such places unless they were chaperoned by a male relative.
Playful as they are, girls like Ms. Othman and her friends are well aware of the limits that their conservative society places on their behavior. And, for the most part, they say that they do not seriously question those limits.
Most of the girls say their faith, in the strict interpretation of Islam espoused by the Wahhabi religious establishment here, runs very deep. They argue a bit among themselves about the details whether it is acceptable to have men on your Facebook friend list, or whether a male first cousin should ever be able to see you without your face covered. And they peppered this reporter with questions about what the young Saudi men she had met were thinking about and talking about.
But they seem to regard the idea of having a conversation with a man before their showfas and subsequent engagements with very real horror. When they do talk about girls who chat with men online or who somehow find their own fiancés, these stories have something of the quality of urban legends about them: fuzzy in their particulars, told about friends of friends, or “someone in my sister’s class.”
Well-brought-up unmarried young women here are so isolated from boys and men that when they talk about them, it sometimes sounds as if they are discussing a different species.
Questions for the Fiancé
Later that evening, over fava bean stew, salad, and meat-filled pastries, Alia revealed that she was to be allowed to speak to her fiancé on the phone. Their first phone conversation was scheduled for the following day, she said, and she was so worried about what to say to Badr that she was compiling a list of questions.
“Ask him whether he likes his work,” one of her friends suggested. “Men are supposed to love talking about their work.”
“Ask him what kind of cellphone he has, and what kind of car,” suggested another. “That way you’ll be able to find out how he spends his money, whether he’s free with it or whether he’s stingy.”
Alia nodded earnestly, dark ringlets bouncing, and took notes. She had been so racked with nerves during her showfa that she had almost dropped the tray of juice her father had asked her to bring in to her fiancé, and she could hardly remember a thing he had said. She was to learn a bit more about him during this next conversation.
According to about 30 Saudi girls and women between ages 15 and 25, all interviewed during December, January and February, it is becoming more and more socially acceptable for young engaged women to speak to their fiancés on the phone, though more conservative families still forbid all contact between engaged couples.
It is considered embarrassing to admit to much strong feeling for a fiancé before the wedding and, before their engagements, any kind of contact with a man is out of the question. Even so, young women here sometimes resort to clandestine activities to chat with or to meet men, or simply to catch a rare glimpse into the men’s world.
Though it is as near to hand as the offices they pass each morning on the way to college, or the majlis, a traditional home reception room, where their fathers and brothers entertain friends, the men’s world is so remote from them that some Saudi girls resort to disguise in order to venture into it.
At Prince Sultan University, where Atheer Jassem al-Othman, 18, is a first-year law student, a pair of second-year students recently spent a mid-morning break between classes showing off photographs of themselves dressed as boys.
In the pictures, the girls wore thobes, the ankle-length white garments traditionally worn by Saudi men, and had covered their hair with the male headdresses called shmaghs. One of the girls had used an eyeliner pencil to give herself a grayish, stubble-like mist along her jaw line. Displayed on the screens of the two girls’ cellphones, the photographs evoked little exclamations of congratulation as they were passed around.
“A lot of girls do it,” said an 18-year-old named Sara al-Tukhaifi who explained that a girl and her friends might cross-dress, sneaking thobes out of a brother’s closet, then challenge each other to enter the Saudi male sphere in various ways, by walking nonchalantly up to the men-only counter in a McDonalds, say, or even by driving.
“It’s just a game,” Ms. Tukhaifi said, although detention by the religious police is always a possibility. “I haven’t done it myself, but those two are really good at it. They went into a store and pretended to be looking at another girl they even got her to turn her face away.”
Grinning, Ms. Tukhaifi mimicked the gesture, pressing her face into the corner of her hijab with exaggerated pretend modesty while her classmate Shaden giggled. Saudi newspapers often lament the rise of rebellious behavior among young Saudis. There are reports of a recent spate of ugly confrontations between youths and the religious police, and of a supposed increase in same-sex love affairs among young people frustrated at the strict division between the genders.
And certainly, practices like “numbering” where a group of young men in a car chase another car they believe to contain young women, and try to give the women their phone number via Bluetooth, or by holding a written number up to the window have become a very visible part of Saudi urban life.
Flirting by Phone
A woman can’t switch her phone’s Bluetooth feature on in a public place without receiving a barrage of the love poems and photos of flowers and small children which many Saudi men keep stored on their phones for purposes of flirtation. And last year, Al Arabiya television reported that some young Saudis have started buying special “electronic belts,” which use Bluetooth technology to discreetly beam the wearer’s cellphone number and e-mail address at passing members of the opposite sex.
Ms. Tukhaifi and Shaden know of girls in their college who have passionate friendships, possibly even love affairs, with other girls but they say that this, like the cross-dressing, is just a “game” born of frustration, something that will inevitably end when the girls in question become engaged. And they and their friends say that they find the experience of being chased by boys in cars to be frightening, and insist that they do not know any girl who has actually spoken to a boy who contacted her via Bluetooth.
“If your family found out you were talking to a man online, that’s not quite as bad as talking to him on the phone,” Ms. Tukhaifi explained. “With the phone, everyone can agree that is forbidden, because Islam forbids a stranger to hear your voice. Online he only sees your writing, so that’s slightly more open to interpretation.
“One test is that if you’re ashamed to tell your family something, then you know for sure it’s wrong,” Ms. Tukhaifi continued. “For a while I had Facebook friends who were boys I didn’t e-mail with them or anything, but they asked me to ‘friend’ them and so I did. But then I thought about my family and I took them off the list.”
Ms. Tukhaifi and Shaden both spoke admiringly of the religious police, whom they see as the guardians of perfectly normal Saudi social values, and Shaden boasted lightly about an older brother who has become multazim, very strict in his faith, and who has been seeing to it that all her family members become more punctilious in their religious observance. “Praise be to God, he became multazim when he was in ninth grade,” Shaden recalled, fondly. “I remember how he started to grow his beard it was so wispy when it started and to wear a shorter thobe.” Saudi men often grow their beards long and wear their thobes cut above the ankles as signals of their religious devotion.
“I always go to him when I have problems,” said Shaden who, like many of the young Saudi women interviewed for this article, spoke on the condition that her last name be omitted. “And he’s not too strict he still listens to music sometimes. I asked him once, ‘You do everything right and yet you’re listening to music?’ He said, ‘I know music is haram, and inshallah, with time I will be able to stop listening to music too.’ ” Haram means forbidden, and inshallah means “God willing.”
She added, “I told him, ‘I want a husband like you.’ ”
Separated From Cousins
Shaden lives in a large walled compound in a prosperous Riyadh suburb; her father’s brothers live with their families in separate houses within the compound, and the families share a common garden and pool. Shaden and several of her male cousins grew up playing together constantly, tearing around the pool together during the summer, and enjoying shared vacations.
Now that, at 17, she is considered an adult Saudi woman and must confine herself to the female sphere, she sometimes misses their company.
“Until I was in 9th or 10th grade, we used to put a carpet on the lawn and we would take hot milk and sit there with my boy cousins,” Shaden recalled, at home one February evening, in front of the television. She was serving a few female guests a party dip of her own invention, a concoction of yogurt, mayonnaise and thyme.
“But my mom and their mom got uncomfortable with it, and so we stopped,” she said. “Now we sometimes talk on MSN, or on the phone, but they shouldn’t ever see my face.”
“My sister and I sometimes ask my mom, ‘Why didn’t you breast-feed our boy cousins, too?’ ” Shaden continued.
She was referring to a practice called milk kinship that predates Islam and is still common in the Persian Gulf countries. A woman does not have to veil herself in front of a man she nursed as an infant, and neither do her biological children. The woman’s biological children and the children she has nursed are considered “milk siblings” and are prohibited from marrying.
“If my mom had breast-fed my cousins, we could sit with them, and it would all be much easier,” Shaden said. She turned back to the stack of DVDs she had been rifling through, and held up a copy of Pride and Prejudice, the version with Keira Knightley as Elizabeth Bennet, a film she says she has seen dozens of times.
“It’s a bit like our society, I think,” Shaden said of late Georgian England. “It’s dignified, and a bit strict. Doesn’t it remind you a little bit of Saudi Arabia? It’s my favorite DVD.”
Shaden sighed, deeply. “When Darcy comes to Elizabeth and says ‘I love you’ that’s exactly the kind of love I want.”
I’ll Marry Your Sister and You Marry Mine – Swap Marriages in Yemen
In the Arab world, when a man gets married he makes a payment to his bride’s family. However in parts of Yemen when a brother and sister from one family marry a brother and sister from another, dowries are often not paid – but this can have tragic consequences.
By Mai Noman
BBC Arabic Service
A young man approaches a friend to ask for his sister’s hand in marriage – in exchange for his own sister’s hand. This is “swap” marriage or “shegar” as it is known in Arabic, an ancient marriage custom still practised in Yemen.
The way it works is: “I’ll marry your sister, if you marry mine.”
But the other side of the bargain is: “If you divorce my sister, I’ll divorce yours.”
Swap marriage came about as a way to help poorer families avoid paying dowries, and that is still a big attraction to some families in Yemen today. A dowry can come to about $3,500 – even though most people earn less than $2 a day.
When there is no money to pay for the dowry and other wedding expenses, that’s when “people marry shegar” says Mohamed Hamoud, a village elder in Sawan, not far from the capital Sanaa.
But the survival of swap marriage also owes something to the fact that Yemen is a deeply proud and conservative country whose strict adherence to ancient traditions and values have kept the fabric of society unchanged.
“Our traditions are too important to us,” Hamoud says.
He acknowledges, though, that the practice is in decline, for one simple reason: “It causes too much misery.”
That’s because couples forced first to love can sometimes then be forced to divorce.
Nadia, a young woman in her late 20s, married a man whose sister married her brother. It was a happy marriage and she had three children – before her brother’s marriage broke down, and she and her husband were torn apart.
“Swap marriage is the worst kind of marriage, it’s better to spend all your life alone than to marry this way,” she cries.
Her children were taken away from her, including her youngest, who was then seven months old.
“I begged them to return my daughter to me, I told them, ‘It’s not right, she needs me to breastfeed her.’ I asked them, ‘What have I done wrong?'”
She had done nothing wrong. For her in-laws it was simply a tit-for-tat response. What happened to their daughter had to happen to her.
Nadia considered resorting to the law to get her children back, as the law does side with mothers in these cases, but she decided against it. In practice, tribal and social customs tend to overrule the law of the state.
She did not see her daughter again for three years. “When I saw her for the first time after all those years I thought to myself, ‘She won’t recognise me.’ I imagined her saying: ‘You are not my mother how could you be my mother when I haven’t seen you since I was a few months old?'” she says.
Many religious scholars oppose swap marriage and have declared it un-Islamic on the grounds that the dowry is an essential part of the Muslim marriage contract.
“The dowry payment is meant to provide women with some financial security as they leave their home,” Yemeni sheikh Mohamed Mamoun explains.
But in some cases swap marriages occur even when families do pay a dowry. In fact, whenever two families exchange daughters, the couples’ fates will most likely be sealed together.
Brother and sister Waleed and Nora married their cousins in shegar, but both families paid dowry and agreed not to make the two marriages dependent on each other.
The swap in this instance was meant to ease the mounting pressure on parents to find suitors for their daughters. In a country where more than a quarter of females are married off before the age of 15, a girl’s family starts to worry if their daughter is not asked for by her mid-teens. It was also a case of following the examples set by previous generations, as Waleed and Nora’s parents had happily married their own cousins in shegar.
Neither sibling wanted this marriage and yet they did little to try and stop it.
“We’re not the type of children who could say ‘No’ to their father,” says Waleed.
They decided to surrender to what they saw as their destiny and give the marriages a chance. But it wasn’t long before Waleed’s relationship started to face problems.
After nine months, and against his family’s wishes, he decided to divorce his wife.
Waleed’s in-laws, overcome with grief and anger, then decided to return his sister to her parents in retribution, ignoring the original agreement that the marriages would not depend on one another. And also ignoring the fact that Nora had turned out to be happy with her husband.
“Of course I felt guilty about my sister, she had to live away from her husband,” Waleed says. But he insists he couldn’t bear his unhappy marriage any more.
The dilemma of whether to choose your own happiness over your sibling’s is just one of many complications couples face when entering this kind of marriage.
Fortunately, through the intervention of family and friends, Nora was reunited with her husband, but not all those who “swap marry” are as lucky.
Nadia is a case in point, and her pain and heartache will be familiar to many Yemeni men and women.
Top 10 Ways to Meet a Muslim for Marriage, Part 1 – Family Friends
By Wael Abdelgawad | Zawaj.com
A single Muslim looking for a good partner for marriage is on a rough road full of obstacles. If you’re looking for someone pious, the problem is that religious Muslims generally do not mix with the other gender, so where is the opportunity to meet someone?
First of all, let’s stop marrying our cousins. Yes, it is allowed in Islam and I can see how in exceptional circumstances it might be necessary. For example if one comes from a very small village with few choices.
First cousin marriages, however, have a statistically higher chance of resulting in children with serious birth defects. Beyond that, I’ve noticed that cultures that consistently interbreed tend to be narrow minded and tribal. They are closed off to new ways of thinking and doing things, closed off to different cultures, and suspicious of outsiders in general, even when those “outsiders” are Muslims.
We need to open our eyes and look beyond our own families for marriage partners. We must build bonds among the Ummah, bring in fresh blood and share our unique cultural traditions.
Secondly, in Islam we do not date, by which I mean we do not engage in the practice of spending personal time with a variety of people of the opposite gender until we find someone compatible. This practice inevitably leads to zinaa (fornication), which of course is prohibited in Islam. It also sets women up to be taken advantage of by men, because often the women are looking for a serious relationship that leads to marriage, whereas the men are looking for sexual pleasure and are willing to play along and say whatever is necessary to get it. At that point the man abandons the woman and leaves her broken and confused.
No, Western style dating is definitely not the way.
So how then does one meet a good person outside the small circle of family and relatives?
1. Family friends
This first point may not work for the kinds of closed-in families that tend to marry cousins, because their circle of friends can be very limited. However, for anyone else this can be a major network. For many of us, we grew up knowing the children of our parents’ friends. We played with them, and saw them at dinners, weddings and other events.
If there’s someone you’re interested in within this circle, just ask your parents to speak to their parents. Who knows, they might be interested as well, and you will have found a good match with someone who already has ties to your family.
Also consider looking outside your own community and culture. Muslims in the West tend to congregate by community – Egyptians with Egyptians, Iraqis with Iraqis, etc. But many go beyond that, getting to know Muslims of other backgrounds and races.
If your family is open minded, then discuss your wishes with them. In my own city I know one Egyptian family whose son married the daughter of some Iraqi family friends; another son married an Afghani girl, again family friends. I have a white American convert friend who is happily married to a Pakistani sister, and I know a Hispanic brother who is married to a Pakistani. I also know of two white + African American couples. And that’s just in the limited circle of people I know. It’s becoming more and more common.
Next: Part 2 – Talk to Your Friends
How to Approach a Muslim Woman for Marriage?
Islam discourages interaction between unmarried men and women, while encouraging them to marry. How does one bridge this gap?
Sheikh Ahmad Kutty, a senior lecturer and an Islamic scholar at the Islamic Institute of Toronto, Ontario, Canada, states:
In sha’ Allah, if the focus of your question is directed towards the ways of finding a wife in the West or North America, I would recommend the following:
1. Islamic gatherings – You may attend various Islamic gatherings at Islamic centers or in mosques and you may engage in business like conversation with the members of the opposite sex, without being isolated with them.
2. Personal introductions – You may also make use of brothers and sisters who may introduce you to prospective candidates and talk to them under supervision.
3. Matrimonial ads – You may do some kind of correspondence with candidates who have advertised their names in the Islamic magazines (or matrimonial services like Zawaj.com – Editor).
4. Direct approach – In the time of the Sahabah (Prophet’s Companions), they used to meet people sometimes in the presence of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), and sometimes in other circumstances. For instance, on a number of occasions women used to come offering themselves as candidates for marriage. Accordingly, some men would accept to get married to them.
This shows that the Sahabah were very simple and undemanding about choosing their partners so long as they had the basic religious and character requirements. In this society, generally speaking, we tend to put so many conditions and requirements that are not essentials from an Islamic perspective. In Islam, the basic thing we should consider in marriage is religion and character. All other requirements we can compromise.
The Companions also used to make other people introduce them to possible candidates. They would see each other and occasionally talk with them in order to determine their eligibility for marriage.
In conclusion, you may choose any of the methods in order to find prospective candidates.
Once you have chosen some, you may inquire about them from people who are reliable and trustworthy in order to determine their illegibility and integrity. You are allowed to ask about their past in order to find out the essential points reflecting their character. If a person has a bad past and he or she has changed and improved his or her life Islamically after having repented their sins, you are allowed to marry them. In this case you are not allowed to nag them about their past after marriage.
Source : http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/S…=1119503545518
10 MORE Romantic Things to Do for Your Wife
Wael Abdelgawad | Zawaj.com
My first post on this subject, 50 Romantic Things to Do for Your Wife, was very popular, so I’m doing this follow-up with ten more great things to do to make your wife happy.
1. Turn off your phone and other devices and spend uninterrupted time with your wife. Go for a picnic, go out to dinner together, or just sit down and enjoy cuddling time – regardless, turn off your phone altogether. Don’t just put it on silent or vibrate! TURN – IT – OFF. This tells your wife that she is more important than anyone else who might seek to interrupt your time together.
2. Be a gentleman. Pull out her chair for her, open the car door for her, help her put her jacket on, hold the umbrella over her head in the rain. Do these things even if your wife is an athlete and could run laps around you, ha ha. Okay, maybe a tiny minority of women will find these things sexist or archaic. But I think 99.9% will see them for what they are: little kindnesses, courtesies, and signs that you care.
3. Compliment what she’s wearing in an authentic way. Be specific. You might say, “I love how the green of that dress brings out the green in your eyes.” Or, “That dress really flatters your figure. You look so svelte.” Or, “That color makes your skin glow so beautifully.”
4. When you’re out to dinner together and share a dessert, let her eat most of it, and don’t make any comments about it.
5. Take care of your body and appearance. Exercise regularly. Quit smoking. Dress well. These things will make you more attractive to your wife, which naturally leads to more romance and a happier marriage.
6. Buy her flowers regularly. I know this is a cliche’, but I have a few original suggestions: First, flowers can be expensive, so find out where the wholesale flower market is in your city. You’ll find that flowers are much cheaper there, and they often sell to the public. Second, purchase different kinds of flowers each time. Buy your girl some of the odder varieties, and ask the seller something about them so you can share something interesting. Last, consider planting them in your own garden, so they won’t cost anything at all.
7. Give her a foot rub at the end of a long day. If she’s been wearing shoes all day and her feet are smelly, start out by washing them with a hot washcloth, then rubbing in some scented lotion. Then massage her feet nicely. This tells your wife that every part of her is important and beautiful to you. Plus, it feels amazing.
8. Ride the Ferris Wheel at the fair and make out at the very top.
9. Go into one of those coin-operated photo booths and make funny faces together at the camera. This one is cliched as well, but it’s still fun!
10. Cook together. Plan a special meal together and work together from beginning to end – shop together, and cook the meal together, and clean up together. Cooking alone can be a chore, but cooking together is fun.
Do you have any more ideas? Please share in the comments. And you should definitely check out:
50 Romantic Things to Do for Your Wife.
Will that Muslim player marry you? 10 red flags to check for
By Ibtahal Minhaj
Reprinted from TheIdealMuslimah.com
Sarah officially started her professional career by working in a small news agency in her city. As a fresh graduate she was profoundly happy about her new job. She felt as if her four years of hard work had finally started to pay off. Throughout her time at University she looked at couples roaming around and taking care of each other. However, she had also witnessed some painful ‘break-ups’ and detachments. – the reason Sarah never believed in love before marriage.
At her office her thinking started to change a little as she genuinely began to develop feelings for her boss. She felt as if he too liked her in the sincere sense. They became good friends and occasionally went for lunch together. The boss told Sarah that he will marry her after 3 years. Over a brief period of 15 days her affiliation grew stronger.
However, something irked her and that was his demand for physical contact. After a few pecks and hugs he apologized that he can’t convince his family for the marriage. Both of them agreed on remaining friendly colleagues, but even as professional friends the boss tried to provoke her for an illegal relation by requesting Sarah to meet at a private and secure place. This was an eye-opener for her and she realized that someone truly in love with her would never provoke her for such things. She knew that she had fallen for the wrong person.
Although she used to cry a lot and the detachment has left her emotionally traumatized, but Sarah implored Allah (Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala) for His mercy and forgiveness. There was no one in her life to share this pain with.
Bismillah!!
Rabbi Zidnee Ilman
“My Lord! Increase me in knowledge.”
Dear Sisters in Islam, Sarah is not the only girl who has experienced this. Many girls have gone through even bitter experiences that have left them emotionally shattered. There are so many sisters who get trapped in this emotional abuse and regret afterwards, even while knowing that these attachments can be painful if not bound legally (i.e through Nikkah) girls still get caught up. The aim of this article is to share with you the 10 red flags which can tell you that a Muslim player won’t marry you and there is no point of indulging in activities that will lead you to nowhere in life.
1.He feels uncomfortable when you talk about marriage
Whenever you try to discuss with him the future of your marriage with him, he tries to change the topic and gets irritated. He also asks you to think about it when the time will come. He is more interested in planning out dates and enjoying secretively.
2. He doesn’t talk to your Wali
He insists on keeping the relationship as secret as possible. Claiming that he loves you with all his heart and wants the best for you in life, he still doesn’t talk to your Wali (father/guardian) about the possibility that he will take your responsibility in the future.
3. He hides your relationship with him
A Muslim man who truly loves you would never keep you like a filthy hidden part of his life that doesn’t deserved to be shown to the world. He doesn’t want to declare the relationship openly. If he hides you from his family and is afraid to confess his inclination towards you then understand that he doesn’t plan to marry you.
4. He asks for your photographs without proper hijab
Any man who would know that you will be his future wife would never asks you to stoop down to unethical levels. Every man dreams of a modest and chaste girl, how can he push his future life partner to embrace immodesty? Think about it!
Anybody, encouraging you with ‘haram’ can never be your well-wisher in life, let alone being a lover. If he is demanding under-dressed photographs then bear this in mind ‘he will never marry you’, no matter how tall his claims are. You will be a temporary temptation of his life. Every man wants his wife to act with a certain level of dignity, if you don’t belong to him, you definitely do belong to someone else, do not harm your dignity out of stupidity.
5. He doesn’t care for your pain and worries
You are spending nights crying for him and hoping to hear just a few comforting words from him, but he is least bothered. This speaks volumes about his indifference towards you. A person who wishes to make you his spouse will own your pains and worries and have an empathetic approach.
6. Everything depends on his convenience
He talks when he wants to and ignores you for the rest of the time. This explains that you are just a leisure sport in his life. When he is too bored he decides to spend time with you.
7. With words
Genuine words aren’t hard to identify. He hasn’t even discussed the size of the wedding ring or told you about the dress he wants you to wear on Nikkah day – still you expect him to marry you – don’t get trapped!
8. Friends with Benefits
Some men use the word ‘friends’ to keep the relation going so that girls remain hooked up and they can enjoy their company. If he uses all chances to take advantage of you and even if it involves paying the bill at lunch then this is yet another red flag for you.
9. Doesn’t trust you with his secrets
If he is reluctant in discussing his past and doesn’t open up to you then believe it, you are not worthy enough. Had he been serious about including you in his life, he would’ve shared every single detail about himself. Not necessarily his past sins. But things that matter and life choices and incidences that are of importance.
10 Finally! When your ‘NO’ to his demands distance him from you
This is the final red flag and an evident one indeed. When you refuse to meet him alone or to fulfil his obscene demands, he would start distancing himself from you, just like a useless paper in his wallet.
Dear Sisters, falling in love the halal way is not wrong. Islam itself is a religion of love and compassion. You do have a right to decide who your future life partner will be, but getting involved in pre-marital physical bonding/infatuation will only lead to affliction. So maintain your chastity for the one who deserves you the most and promises to be your guardian for the rest of his life. As it is mentioned in the Holy Quran:
“Certainly will the believers have succeeded: They who are during their prayer humbly submissive. And they who turn away from ill speech. And they who are observant of Zakah. And they who guard their private parts. Except from their wives or those their right hands possess, for indeed, they will not be blamed. But whoever seeks beyond that, then those are the transgressors”.
{Surah Al Muminun 23 : Verses 1-7}
Moreover, it is never too late to repent and retreat, if you have gone through this make sincere ‘Taubah’ and wait for the right man to hold your hand after signing the Nikkah papers ofcourse.
May Allah bless you all with righteous spouses who will be the means of you entering Jannatul Firdous al Alaa.
Notes by Fakiha Hassan Rizvi
Edited by Ibtahal Minhaj
10 ways to avoid marrying the wrong person
By Dr. Nafisa Sekandari & Hosai Mojaddidi
Source: Mental Health 4 Muslims
There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for marriage.
The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility.
One of the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and thoroughly getting to know someone.
A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are. The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know them. The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given to how that time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim couples are engaging in “halal dating,” which is basically socializing with each other in the company of friends and/or family. This includes going out to dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure activity, etc. Depending on the family or culture, conversations are either minimal & chaperoned or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised.
When you consider these limitations it makes one wonder when exactly, if ever at all, would the critical conversations take place? Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to suffer the consequences. If you or someone you know is in the “getting to know someone” phase, the following guide offers advice on exactly what to look for and avoid:
1) Do Not Marry Potential: Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or that they will reach their potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse.
If you can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t marry them. These differences can include a number of things such as ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.
2) Choose Character over Chemistry: While chemistry and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love. The most important character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait:
- Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and principles above convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid materialism.
- Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do they spend their money? How do they deal with anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger?
- Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances, relationships, job, and character. You can you rely on this person and trust what they say.
- Happiness: A happy person is content with their portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they have rather than on what they don’t have. They very rarely complain.
3) Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs of Your Partner: Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be successful those needs must be mutually met.
The fundamental emotional need of a woman is to be loved. To make a woman feel loved give her the three AAAs: Attention, Affection, & Appreciation.
The fundamental emotional need of a man is to be respected and appreciated. To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs: Respect, Reassurance, & Relief.
It is the obligation of each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged to fulfill his sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.
4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans: In marriage you can either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that you will grow together.
- You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”
- The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
- Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.
5) Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity:
- Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship between a man and a woman.
- Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone talk about them.
- Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.
6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection: There are four questions that you must answer YES to:
- Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
- Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
- Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
- Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t trust now, this won’t change when you are married!
7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety: Choosing someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your feelings and opinions.
Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive relationship. Look for the following things:
- Controlling behavior: This includes controlling the way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair/hijab and the way you spend your time. Know the difference between suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive personalities.
- Anger issues: This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put downs, and curses at you, etc. You don’t have to put up with this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone you know, get help right away. Deal with those issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting married.
8) Beware of Lack of Openness In Your Partner: Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What bothers me about this person or the relationship?”
It’s very important to identify what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and work together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team.
Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it? Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they say but watch for how they say it!
9) Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility: It’s very important to remember no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make the mistake of thinking someone else will fulfill them and make their life better and that’s their reason for getting married. People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be miserable when they are married. If you are currently not happy with yourself, don’t like yourself, don’t like the direction your life is going now, it’s important to take responsibility for that now and work on improving those areas of your life before considering marriage. Don’t bring these issues into your marriage and hope your partner will fix them.
10) Watch Out For Lack of Emotional Health and Availability In Your Potential Partner: Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or available. One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or more) people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man is overly dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the marriage; this is no doubt a recipe for disaster. Also important to consider are the following:
- Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside. These include people who don’t like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts. They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends, and often distrust people or are afraid of them. Another clear indication about them is they always feel their needs are not getting met; they have a sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take care of them and they don’t. They feel burdened by other people’s needs and feel resentment towards them. These people can not be emotionally available to build healthy relationships.
- Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner to build a strong emotional relationship. Never marry an addict. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol. They can be about addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power, status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction, they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with you!
Additional Points to Consider:
- The fact is no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love the person we marry for more than their appearance. When we get to know someone we love and admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall essence.
- Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others, is rude to you, etc. We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean about their character?”
- Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief system, etc. Asking clear questions can clarify this. Ask questions like, “What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?” “What are your expectations of marriage?” “How would you help around the house?” Compare your definition with theirs.
- Be flexible. Be open-minded!
- Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom. It should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy because of your connection with them.
- Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in addition to beauty, money, and health. The morally upright and spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship. If someone isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t take themselves into account with God then why should you expect them to fulfill their rights owed to you? The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain and not causing a loss. Having a mutual and shared spiritual relationship will foster a successful marriage. Furthermore, a successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side as well. Finding commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.
The above article was [in part] inspired by and adapted from a presentation by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
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