Tag archive for ‘marriage advice’

Advice for Newly Married Couples, Part 1: Cultivate Compassion

Muslim woman blows hearts at husband

By Wael Abdelgawad for Zawaj.com

Cultivate Compassion

If I could offer newly married couples one piece of advice, it would be to cultivate compassion between yourselves. There comes a time when the exciting honeymoon period wears off, and some of your partner’s little quirks that you thought were cute become annoying.

His habit of eating three bags of microwaveable popcorn back to back, which you once thought was hilarious, now irks you, because he’s filling up on junk food between meals and won’t be hungry for the dinner you are in the process of preparing.

Her habit of chewing her fingernails, which you once though revealed some deep-seated anxiety and made you want to comfort her, now just means that your wife has ugly fingernails.

In addition, you begin to learn about your partner as a real person, with greater strengths than you imagined, and deeper flaws. You imagined he’d give up late nights with his friends after marriage, but he continues, even when you complain. Or you, the husband, knew she had a temper – it made her fiery and passionate and maybe kind of sexy – but when you’re on the receiving end of name-calling, it’s no longer attractive.

That’s the time when it’s so important to be able to forgive mistakes, and to look upon your partner with kindness. That’s the time when you must respond to difficult situations not by holding grudges but by showing love. That’s the time when you must learn to control your anger, hold your tongue, and speak only out of kindness.

After all, Allah SWT says:

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (Quran 30:21)

Notice how affection and mercy go hand in hand.

And the Messenger of Allah (sws) said:

“The merciful will be shown mercy by the Most Merciful. Be merciful to those on the earth and the One in the heavens will have mercy upon you.” Source: Sunan al-Tirmidhī 1924

That’s not to say that you must accept every one of your partners flaws as-is. Some things are open to negotiation. Some, especially if they are serious, can be addressed through couples therapy. Just know, going in, that these problems will occur. Divorce is not the answer (except when it is – I’ll get to that later), nor is fighting, screaming or a “temporary separation” where the two of you rent separate apartments, one one partner goes back to live with the parents.

Perfect Doesn’t Exist

If you expect perfection, you will be disappointed. You’ll find out that your wife snores, or spends too much money on clothes. Your husband is egotistical, explains things you already know (mansplaining, as they call it now), or is tight with money.

The grass is not actually greener on the other side. It just looks that way.

Maybe you look at your friends and wonder whey their husbands or wives are so much better than yours. Guess what? They’re not.

Every relationship harbors problems, sadnesses and even tragedies that are invisible to outsiders.

The grass is always greener on the other side, except that’s it’s not. It’s just that, from a distance, you can’t see the brown patches.

See Problems as Opportunities

Instead of turning little problems into bigger ones, turn little problems into an opportunity to grow closer to your partner by developing a deep bond of trust. That trust comes from knowing that your love is strong enough to survive difficulties and overcome them.

Is your wife putting on some pounds, and you’re not finding her as attractive? Start a routine of taking an evening walk, and invite her to join you. As you get fit together, you grow closer. Plus, when the two of you are basking in that sweet post-workout afterglow, with the endorphins flowing, it could lead to further intimacy.

Are the two of you broke, with no money for shopping or dining out? Among my best memories are making a meal of rice, green beans and canned tuna with my wife (now my ex, and I’ll say more about that later), and sitting out on the front stoop at sunset, watching the neighborhood kids playing outside. Or shopping at the thrift store with my daughter, picking out nice outfits for a fraction of the retail cost.

Problems – read challenges – are also an opportunity to strengthen your faith, by drawing closer to the Creator. Place your trust in Allah and practice your deen as a family.

So don’t look at problems as explosive mines, or trap doors that will doom the marriage. Instead see them as challenges to be overcome together, and opportunities to strengthen the bond between you.

Next: Advice for Newly Married Couples, Part 2 – Open Your Heart

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One Secret of a Happy Marriage

Young Muslim couple

A man and his fiance were married. It was a large celebration. All of their friends and family came to see the lovely ceremony and to partake of the festivities and celebrations. A wonderful time was had by all.

The bride was gorgeous in her white wedding gown and the groom was very dashing in his black tuxedo. Everyone could tell that the love they had for each other was true.

A few months later, the wife comes to the husband with a proposal: “I read in a magazine, a while ago, about how we can strengthen our marriage.” She offered.

“Each of us will write a list of the things that we find a bit annoying with the other person. Then, we can talk about how we can fix them together and make our lives happier together.”

The husband agreed. So each of them went to a separate room in the house and thought of the things that annoyed them about the other. They thought about this question for the rest of the day and wrote down what they came up with.

The next morning, at the breakfast table, they decided that they would go over their lists.

“I’ll start,” offered the wife. She took out her list. It had many items on it. Enough to fill 3 pages, in fact. As she started reading the list of the little annoyances, she noticed that tears were starting to appear in her husbands eyes.

“What’s wrong?” she asked. “Nothing” the husband replied, “keep reading your list.”

The wife continued to read until she had read all three pages to her husband. She neatly placed her list on the table and folded her hands over top of it.

“Now, you read your list and then we’ll talk about the things on both of our lists.” She said happily.

Quietly the husband stated, “I don’t have anything on my list. I think that you are perfect the way that you are. I don’t want you to change anything for me. You are lovely and wonderful and I wouldn’t want to try and change anything about you.”

The wife, touched by his honesty and the depth of his love for her and his acceptance of her, turned her head and wept.

***

Happy Muslim coupleThis is not to say that you must overlook every fault in your partner. If a marriage partner is abusive, or is an alcoholic or drug addict, or is unfaithful, or something of that nature then yes of course there must be changes.

But when it comes to the little things, remember that we are all imperfect beings, struggling to worship our Creator as best we can, pursue our dreams, raise our families, put food on the table, and balance all of the above fairly. We all have faults. We all make mistakes.

If you go looking for faults in your partner you will find plenty, I guarantee it. You will find many mistakes, bad habits, and imperfections.

But you know what? If you look honestly in the mirror you will see the same things in yourself.

If you focus on your partner’s imperfections you will never be happy. You will always be dissatisfied, wanting more, feeling deprived, feeling frustrated. And you will end up making your partner miserable, and pushing your marriage into misery.

Instead, look for what is good in your partner. See his/her beauty, good habits, loving or kind gestures, relationship with the Creator, hidden potential, and hopes and dreams. If you look for beauty you will find it. Nurture that beauty by appreciating it, and it will grow. The love between you will deepen like a strong river, becoming more and more powerful over time. And those little things that used to bother you so much will seem not very important at all.

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My husband has not introduced me to his family and I am worried

A Muslim wedding in Brunei Darussalam.

A Muslim wedding in Brunei Darussalam. Muslim weddings, like most weddings in any culture, are family affairs.

Dear Wael,

I recently married my husband in his country of residence, and although we married in the same city as his parents live in, he did not invite them nor did he ever introduce me to them.

He claims it was because he was “on the outs” with them at the time, but later I discovered that he still lives with his parents (except when he was in the U.S. for college and work). So at the time that we married, although we were living together at a resort, he was officially living with his parents.

Now he keeps delaying my meeting his parents. Initially he said when we got our I-129/K3 visa approved I would fly back, meet his family, and we would come to the U.S. – however, during our last conversation, he said I would meet his family “next year”. I wonder if he is using me for money or a green card, even though so far he has paid for everything. The closer we get to having his visa approved, the more my intuition screams that something isn’t right here.

Today he replied to an email saying I haven’t met his family because he hasn’t met mine – but my entire family and all of my friends know that we married – and if he weren’t 10,000 miles away he would have met my family before we ever married. But he and I were staying in the same town as his family lives for 30 days, and we even got married, and I never met them. It hurts to end this now, but I know it would hurt more 2-3 years from now if he gets citizenship and leaves me.

I mean, we had a great time together and get along well, but there are a few issues, such as my not meeting his family and some other issues, that have me worried. I mean, he is Indian born and working in the UAE, but in all three cultures, Indian, Muslim, and American, marriage is a FAMILY CENTERED event. I am hurt and worried over not meeting his family, and it makes me doubt his commitment to our marriage.

– Colima

Click here for Wael’s answer to this question.

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Dear Wael: Is it okay to marry a policeman?

Question: Is it okay to work for the police in this country? I’m looking to get married and the person that im interested in works for the metropolitan police response team. – Sister Shaima

Click here to read Wael’s answer to this question.

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