Lied to fiance/future husband and lost his trust!
Assalam O Alaikum,
I am 20 years old and have been talking to a man for marriage for a few months now-- both of us have the best intentions with each other and don't engage in haram (partially due to him living 500 miles away). We are not Islamically engaged yet, but will be inshaAllah this summer if things go as planned.
When we were getting to know each other, I lied to him about something I was nervous admitting and that caught up with me after about a month. I have the deepest regret and have apologized many times and asked Allah for forgiveness nonstop since then, but my fiance has little to no trust for me now.
We have days when we're fine and the incident isn't mentioned, and he even told me a couple of months ago that he forgives me for it and will move on, but we also have days where he thinks of nothing else and it's kind of like I completely lost him and his trust. He says things that are hurtful, which I understand as it is my fault I lied to him and no one elses, but its gotten to the point where he questions everything I've ever told him about myself and he refuses to believe things.
I don't know what to do because I tell him everyday that I am honest with him now and have cleared up all lies I told him in the past. Full honesty is the only policy I will live by now and he doesn't believe that. I don't know what to do! He doesn't trust me and I need to find a way to get him to see I'm honest with him.This is the man I want to marry inshaAllah.
I've looked for answers in the Quran and hadith but I've come across nothing. Help?
- bintlibnaniya
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Salam dear sister,
If i can be honest with you , i think that it will take time for him to forget and even after you get married he will chuck this in your face at any opportunitie. So if you do go ahead with this marriage, be prepared for that.
A lady once told me regarding marriage " the way it start is the way it is going to end" and it is kind of true.
So maybe you should reconsider getting any further with this man ( and i know you love him so it is kind of hard) but you will save yourself from a lot of pain and suffering if not divorce.
Woman tend to forgive and forget , but men don't . U made a mistake, you repented but he still Mentions this issue
and Allahu allam but my advice would be to end this relationship and start fresh with somebody else (the halal way of course)
Any brother opinions on the subject?
Salamu'alaikum,
Sister Bint Libnaniyya, I don't know what you mean by "islamically engaged". What I undersstand by this is marriage/ nikaah itself. Further, I feel bad to know that what stops you from Haram is not the fear of Allah, but the distance of 500 miles. Seek Allah's forgiveness and Hope for His Mercy.
I don't know what you lied to him about. If it was serious, then perhaps he wouldn't forget it, hence, it would be better if you cut all contact with him and ask your parents to look for a Righteous man for you, who would help you Please Allah Izza wa Jall.
And Allah Knows Best
i agree with Al,
but i guess its difficult for the sister to just leave him and end this as specially she has made up her mind for him.
thank very carefully keeping your emotions aside. do istikhara please. inshallah Allah will show you the way. ask this brother as well to do istikhara if he is having doubts about being with you or it is bothering him that much. draw a line that from now on wards lets dont mention this in our lives and if he does then step back , as it is likely that he cant over it. dont punish yourself by saying that you lied to him, ofcourse you are not going to tell him about every incidence in your life specially those that you are not particularly proud of. may be this is Allah showing you that he a kind of person who doesnt llet go of things or mistakes easily and my sister it is very difficult to live life with a man like this.
may allah guide you and protect you from any harm and hurt.
Speaking truth and maintaining absolute honesty is vital, especially when it concerns relationships! One needs to understand, a relationship based on trust, honesty and respect is strong and can and will endure the worst possible phases in life since it is based on the fact that you're loved for whatever (everything) you really are! Because the affection won here is genuine and unconditional!
Also, a man who genuinely values you and who truly is a gentleman, will try, understand and accept your follies when you will confess it to him in complete honesty and will in fact respect you for every attempt you're making to rectify something that you were not right in doing earlier. Whereas a man, who's already busy judging you, who's using your honest confessions as a defence to humiliate you, as if he's a flawless character is someone you seriously need to think about and over, if he's worth even sharing a friendship with!
So ask yourself, if you wish to lie, "Act" and be someone else, smother yourself with a mask, in trying to please someone who actually doesn't know the real you, who eventually might reprimand you or abuse you for not being the image you have carefully projected OR you wish to be yourself, wait for the right man to be with you, who loves you for everything that you're, who values you and who will standy by you no matter what?!?!
Salam anon,
I do agree with you when it comes to honesty. It is essential in a relationship. But i don't want to judge the brother. He might be a very good man but he cannot put up with the lies and confessions of the sister and a lot , if not most of the man are like that.
Like i said earlier, this is a taste of what is expecting The sister if she decides to get married to him.
So it might be wiser to let go of him and find somebody else (easier said than done indeed inthis kind of situation) but that might save you from a LOT of pain .
As it was advised earlier , make istikhara bintlibnanya and from the bottom of my heart i wish you to find somebody right for you . You are 20 years old, it should'nt be difficult
Assalam oalykum wr wb ,all the praises belong to Allah swt that he gave u wisdom to ask question and give us the opportunity to be a part of it elhamdulilha well with due respect I DONT AGREE WITH THOSE PEOPLE here who are beseeching you TO BREAK UP WITH HIM.
Subhanallah you have actualised your mistake and you will be honest. swear to Allah infront of him and say what u said here and add to it saying that henceforth you will not elucidated anymore on ur mistake ,because this is increasing the whole of seperation between u both . So speak to him in staunch tone that you have had enough of nagging from him on this now u cant bare any more again after last chance.
Ask him if he was in your shoe.
Asalamoalaikum sister,
After reading your post, I have a couple of things I’d like to say.
Firstly, I’m not sure what you hid from your fiancé, but if it has to do with your past (something that you’ve repented from) then he doesn’t need to know, nor is it his right to ask and expect for it to be told. It has been stated, “All of my ummah will be fine except for those who commit sin openly. Part of committing sin openly is when a man does something at night and Allaah conceals it, but in the morning he says, ‘O So-and-so, last night I did such and such.’ His Lord had covered his sin all night, but in the morning he removed the cover of Allaah.” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 5721; Muslim, 2990) .
Therefore, it’s important that if you have sinned and repented, that you must refrain from sharing it with anybody. It is between you and Allah swt and you should continually repent for it and hope that He has inshAllah wiped your slate clean.
If it’s something that you did when you had met him and felt ashamed for telling him, again ask for repentance and it does not need to be mentioned (unless highly necessary where the other person can be harmed in some way, etc). If he asks you regarding your past, etc, then I suggest that you think about a few things before proceeding ahead with this proposal.
If someone is constantly interested in your past, wants to know things that are not relevant to them, than this may be a red flag. For me especially, it’s the fact that he has a hard time trusting you. It’s understandable that he may think that you may lie again, but he shouldn’t have asked such an awkward question to begin with (mostly people won’t come clean the first time) and if you came clean later, and he is not able to move past the truth, than that is not your problem, it’s his.
I’d highly suggest that you think about this proposal and weigh objectively if you think you’ll both be good for another in this world and for your akhira. Maybe this is a sign that Allah swt is showing you. I personally would not be okay with someone who is interested in my past instead of my present. Everyone has a past of some sort, and there is not point of digging old graves and bringing them into the present.
Dear sister in question,
Your past is to be between yourself and your Creator Allah (swt) alone.
Now that you have shared your past to a second person (your fiance) then as an imperfect human being he will judge you or has judged you! Humans are no where as Great and as forgiving as our CREATOR Allah (swt). Very small percentage of humans can forget and fogive. And out of those very few to none may try their best to forgive but won't be able to forget.
Therefore, in stituation like this (past relationship/s) honesty is not always the best policy. Your honesty have made you less acceptable to him. The best thing was not to share it to him.
Anyhow, as for your now situation considering your age too, and if you are smart and have the Will-power then my suggestion to you is that you LET GO of this brother. If this brother is already giving you grief about your past and not trusting you then LET GO of him.
Marriage in Islam is to be with someone who wants to grow the Muslim Ummah and the only way this can be done is to be with an individual who is Allah fearing and a forward thinker. Maybe the brother you are with at the moment is Allah fearing but certaintly not a forward thinker. This brother may always put you down due your past- something which you may have left behind, repented and reformed yourself to a better person.
I would let GO of him and instead concentrate to earn some sort of education (try to complete your university) and get a job. Learn how to drive if you don't know yet. Enhance your Islamic knowledge and practices. Learn and understnd who Allah is and try to please HIM alone in every step of life. Mingle with good hearted sisters. Do charity/ voluntary work. Create your own beautiful Muslim identity. Be independent because life can be really tricky.
Best wishes to you and whatever decision you make (inshaAllah, you know yourself and your situation the most in here) may Allah (swt) make it easy for you.
Love,
Your sister, Parveen
-x-
Asalaam alaikum,
Everyone offers a very good perspective above. I would just like to add that you ask this man a simple question:
Will you ever trust me again and finally lay this issue to rest?
If he says, "no," then you know that you should leave him. If he says," yes," but continues his hurtful behavior, then you should leave him.
If he says, "yes," and follows through readily able to move forward, make amends and restart from a healthy position, then you may continue to speak with him about marriage.
It's really just that simple.
Salaam Alaikum,
I totally agree with ProfessorX
Salam Sister
I am here to tell you my opinion about your situation
You told us he lives miles away from you but you already talk about a marriage and there is no engagement yet. I wonder if both of you know each other from net ( like many couples do today ) and you never meet each other and know each situation and condition. The ways to communicate are through chatting, mails and phone calls which cause a lot of misunderstanding sometimes. You didn’t tell us either what a lie you have done. If it is not about something haraam, insha Allah it can be solved as long as you have reasons for that. If his words sounded hurtful for you, it may happen because you were being too sensitive because you feel guilty. Also the distance makes both of you sensitive and uncomfort. One thing you can hold is about you and him have the best intention to each other and I can see you have a genuine intention to be a honest person/ which I feel you are actually a good woman. That lie just happen unintentionally.
If the distance becomes the reason, try to have a better way to communicate and tell him you meant it all you have promised and after that let him decide what he wants. Or shalat Istikhoroh can be the way to help you and him make a decision. And also I agree with what Professor X has advised.
May Allah open the better way for you and him. ameen
the damage has been done and your can't do anything about it
you said you told lies? so wasn't it only the lie of your past relations you told? were lies also about other things?
you need to stop believing this will go any further and seek other future husbands now.