Marriage Articles 
Love for your partner what you love for yourself
Imam Zaid Shakir writes:
As Salaam Alaikum,
To summarize the duties of brotherhood and sisterhood in Islam, we should love for our brother and sister what we love for ourselves.
This is an incredible teaching that if implemented would go a long way towards improving relations between us. This spirit of love is especially important between husbands and wives, as we often treat each other as abstract enemies as opposed to Muslims, first and foremost.
– Imam Zaid Shakir
This is an excellent observation and insightful piece of advice. Many of us are familiar with this hadith but have not thought of it in terms of husband and wife.
When we want for our spouse what we want for ourselves, it takes our marriage to a new level of love. We begin to think about our partners needs and wants, we pray for our partner just as we pray for ourselves, we work for our partner’s material and spiritual success as much as our own.
We also forgive them for their mistakes just as we would hope to be forgiven. We praise them for the good they do, thank them, hug them, and when they need it we correct them in kindness. That’s love, and it’s what a good marriage is made of.
Islamic Marriage Khutbah (Wedding Speech)
Women celebrating at an Egyptian open air wedding
This is a typical Muslim nikah khutbah (wedding speech) that would be given by an Imam at a Muslim wedding. This particular speech was translated from Arabic, I believe. I do not know the author’s name:
Wedding Khutbah
“Thanks be to Allah that we praise Him, pray to Him for help; ask Him for pardon; we believe in Him, We trust Him; and ask Him to guard us from the evil of our own souls and from the evil consequences of our own deeds. Whomsoever He leaves straying no one can guide him. I bear witness that there is no God save Allah, who has no partner, and I bear witness that Muhammad is His servant and messenger, whom He has sent with truth as a bringer of good news and a warner.
The best word is the book of Allah, and the best way is that of Muhammad, on whom be peace. The worst of all things are innovations and every innovation leads astray, and every thing that leads astray leads to Hell.
Whosoever obeys Allah and His messenger will be guided aright and whosoever disobeys will cause loss to his own self (and thereafter). Hereafter, I ask the refuge of Allah from Shaytan, the outcast.
O mankind! Be careful of your duty to your Lord who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate and from them twain hath spread abroad a multitude of men and women. be careful of your duty towards Allah in whom you claim (your rights) of one another, and toward the wombs (that bear you). Lo, Allah hath been a watcher over you. [Surah Al Nisa’ 4:1]
O ye who believe! Observe your duty to Allah with right observance, and die not save as those who have surrendered (unto Him). [Surah Ali ‘Imran 3:102]
O ye who believe! Guard your duty to Allah, and speak words straight to the point; He will adjust your works for you and will forgive you your sins. Whosoever obeyeth Allah and His messenger, he verily hath gained a signal victory. [Surah Al Ahzab 33:70-71]“
Marriage is one of the most important acts of worship in Islam. The Prophet Muhammad (Sallallaahu layhi Wasallam) has told us how to live as Muslims. One of the branches of faith is marriage. It has been thus narrated in a Hadeeth that when a person marries, he has complete half of his religion and so he should fear Allah regarding the remaining half.
Shame, modesty, moral and social values and control of self desire are just a few of the many teachings of Islam. Furthermore, these are just a few of the many worships that a person can complete by performing the ritual of marriage. Through marriage a person can be saved from many shameless and immoral sins and through marriage he has is more able to control his desire. Therefore, the Prophet (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) has said:
“O young men! Whoever is able to marry should marry, for that will help him to lower his gaze and guard his modesty.” [Sahih al-Bukhari]
Marriage is a strong oath that takes place between the man and women in this world, but its blessings and contract continues even in Jannah. It is the way of our beloved Prophet (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam), and whosoever goes against this practice has been reprimanded.
Hadhrat Anas ibn Malik narrates:
A group of three men came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet (Sallallaahu layhi Wasallam) asking how the Prophet worshipped (Allah), and when they were informed about that, they considered their worship insufficient and said:
“Where are we compared to the Prophet as his past and future sins have been forgiven?”
Then one of them said: “I will offer the prayer throughout the night forever.”
The other said: “I will fast throughout the year and will not break my fast.”
The third said: “I will keep away from the women and will not marry forever.”
Allah’s Apostle came to them and said, “Are you the same people who said so-and-so? By Allah, I am more submissive to Allah and more afraid of Him than you; yet I fast and break my fast, I do sleep and I also marry women. So he who does not follow my tradition in religion, is not from me (from my followers).” [Sahih al-Bukhari]
Therefore, Islamically, we are all encouraged to get married and not turn away from the ways of our beloved Prophet (Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Salaam). It should be remembered that this duty of marriage is for both men and women. Just as men complete half their religion through this act, it is also the same for women. However, in today’s time, there are many marriage-related issues which arise in people’s lives, as today we see many people abusing the laws of marriage in Islam.
When marrying, each becomes the other’s lifetime companion. Each should understand and appreciate that Allah has brought them both together and that their destiny in life has now become one. Whatever the circumstances: happiness or sorrow; health or sickness; wealth or poverty; comfort or hardship; trial or ease; all events are to be confronted together as a team with mutual affection and respect.
No matter how wealthy, affluent, materially prosperous and “better-off” another couple may appear, one’s circumstances are to be happily accepted with qanã‘at (contentment upon the Choice of Allah). The wife should happily accept her husband, his home and income as her lot and should always feel that her husband is her true beloved and best friend and well-wisher in all family decisions. The husband too should accept his wife as his partner-for-life and not cast a glance towards another.
Allah’s Messenger (Sallallaahu layhi Wasallam) said, “The best of you is he who is best to his family”. (Mishkat)
It was the noble practice of Nabi (Sallallaahu layhi Wasallam) to counsel spouses about the awareness of Allah before performing a Nikah by reciting the verses (Nisa v14, Ahzab v69, Al-Imraan v101) from the Quran. All the verses are common in the message of Taqwa (consciousness of Allah). The spouses will be first committed to Allah before being committed to their partner. There can be no doubt in the success of a marriage governed by the consciousness of Allah. I hope and wish every person a very happy and prosperous married life. May peace and Allah’s blessing be upon you.
Conversations with a Pregnant Wife, Part 2: Watch Out, She’s Moody!
Part 1: Honey, I Have a Craving!
Part 2: Watch Out, She’s Moody!
Part 3: What’s in a Name?
By Yasser Aboudouma
Writer, Civil Engineer – Egypt
Month Four
Wife: See? As I told you before, you have to stop defending them.
Husband: What happened?
Wife: The meeting today! The attendees have not given me my prestige even though they knew about my pregnancy.
Wife: Imagine, once I entered the meeting room, just five people stood up, and the others didn’t care.
Husband: WHAT! You had the chance to choose between five seats!
Wife: NO, all people have to stand up and let me choose where I want to sit.
Wife: I’ll ask the manager to limit the meeting for three to four people max.; a congested room is not good for my pregnancy.
Husband: Why do you bother? You know, why don’t you ask him to cancel all meetings!
Wife: Poor me, you’re always mean to me. Even one girl felt sorry for me and let me sit beside the window, and she opened the door too!
Husband: That’s not fair for them.
Wife: What! You’re worried about them and not me? Men!
At this stage of pregnancy, all husbands have to learn how to control their temper and be patient. A little piece of advice for husbands: Don’t try to get involved in any arguments with your lovely, pregnant wife! It’s useless, as the argument will end with accusations as if you’re the reason for all the destruction and wars in the world! You have to learn that if speech is silver, then silence is solid gold.
Month Five
The fifth month means a lot of activity, so don’t be surprised if your wife starts to become more active and looks for extra work to do. As the baby starts growing, the pregnant wife starts getting less sleep and, normally, she won’t accept that you sleep while she doesn’t! Husbands, don’t be scared when your wife wakes you up in the middle of the night with a certain look on her face. In fact, the look is telling you something.
Wife: HURRY! Wake up!
Husband: What is it? What’s wrong? Are you sick? Did you hear something? Did someone call? Is there a thief in the house? Is there a fire in the neighborhood?
Wife: No, nothing like that! I just wanted to tell you that I felt the baby move.
Husband: (horrified) WHAAAAAT! You woke me up at — what time is it? – 3 a.m. to tell me that! I have to go to work early tomorrow morning, and I can feel the baby in the morning.
Wife: (looking hurt) You don’t like me or our baby. I thought you’d like to share with me these moments.
Husband: OK, OK, let me feel the baby.
You can spend the rest of the night waiting to feel the baby move, which never happens! It’s normal. Simply, say you can feel it and make your life easier.
The pregnant wife normally feels that she needs care and attention, so be ready to expect any weird request, at any time!
Husband: Honey, I’ll take a nap until the food is ready.
Wife: WHAT! You want to go and rest while I stand in the kitchen preparing food instead of coming to give me a hand? OK, your highness! Where is the UN, human rights organizations, and gender equity rules?
Husband: OK, OK, I’m coming. I’ll give you a hand; sorry.
Of course, your help will start by washing the raw vegetables, and you’ll end up preparing everything while your pregnant wife takes her nap!
Wife: Honey, you can leave the dishes and I’ll put them in the dishwasher after I take a nap, but if you insist, it’s OK.
Husband: (vexed) OK, honey, I’ll put them.
Wife: Fine. Could you bring a glass of water with you. If you prepare tea for yourself, don’t forget my cup.
Husband: Ummm, but you said you’ll take a nap!
Wife: Yeah, I will after I drink my tea. While you’re waiting for the water to boil for the tea, please put the clothes in the washing machine. Plus, there are clothes that need to be folded. Can you do it? I’m very tired.
To all husbands: Be careful of that word, “honey.” It’s usually followed by “do that” or “don’t do that”!
Month Six
With the sixth month comes the weight gain — around 15 kg in the beginning! The pregnant wife is forced to replace her normal clothes with larger sizes. She starts feeling the baby move, and gets disappointed with what she is beginning to look like.
Wife: Why are you smiling like that? Haven’t you seen a pregnant woman gaining weight before?
Husband: (trying to hold down his laughter) Of course not. You look the same, but why do you walk like that?
Wife: I’m pregnant; have you forgotten or what?
Husbands, don’t expect the lady you married to remain the same girl who likes to share in your thoughts and/or life difficulties. Their focus changes, and as pregnant women they always like to talk about the pregnancy, and they don’t intend or desire to talk about anything else.
Wife: I read online that in the West pregnant women deliver their babies without anesthetics, and sometimes it happens when they’re sitting or swimming in a pool. I’ll check with my doctor to see about the possibility of doing the same.
Husband: Honey, you’re still in your sixth month, and remember that you’re in Egypt, not in the West. Tell me first, do you spend all your working day searching for information about pregnancy on the Net? Sweetheart, I tell you what, let’s forget about that now, I need to eat.
Wife: I’ll prepare something special today. Just go and sit in front of the TV until I finish.
(A couple of hours pass.)
Husband: Honey, where’s the food?
Wife: It’s not ready yet, it’s only 10 p.m., why are you in a hurry?
Husband: Honey, you think 10 p.m. is still early? Let’s eat anything, even some cheese.
Wife: (now mad) You’re a typical Middle Eastern man; there’s no appreciation whatsoever for my effort! Just for your information, my close friend never cooked anything throughout her pregnancy and up until four months after she delivered the baby.
Husband: So what did they eat for the year?
Wife: (in a low voice) Her husband was out of the country for a year, and she stayed at her parents’ house.
A wise man once said that parents who failed to raise their son properly shouldn’t worry, the wife will certainly do the job!
Part 1: Honey, I Have a Craving!
Part 2: Watch Out, She’s Moody!
Part 3: What’s in a Name?
***
Yasser Aboudouma is an Egyptian-Canadian who lives between Cairo and Ontario. He holds a B.Sc. in engineering and a diploma in project management. He is interested in issues of social and cultural differences.
L.A.’s Volunteer Muslim Matchmaker
Mohammad Mertaban, center, and father-in-law Kamal Serhal pray at Mertaban’s Fullerton home during Ramadan. At left is his daughter Layelle, 4. Mertaban, 30, has grown accustomed to urgent requests from friends and acquaintances since he began dabbling in matchmaking about eight years ago. (Lawrence K. Ho / Los Angeles Times)
His matches have sparks of tradition
Mohammad Mertaban is a volunteer matchmaker who helps observant young Muslims searching for a modern path to marriage that stays true to Islam.
By Raja Abdulrahim, Los Angeles Times
September 23, 2011
The one-line email that greeted Mohammad Mertaban came straight to the point.
“Mertaban, find me a husband, k? I await your list of potential suitors,” wrote a woman who lives on the East Coast.
Mertaban was not surprised, although he knew the woman only slightly. “If it comes from a brother or sister whom I don’t know very well, I know that she would do it out of frustration, desperation or a strong desire to get married,” he explained later.
An information technology project manager who lives in Fullerton, Mertaban, 30, has grown accustomed to urgent requests — by phone, email and in person — since he began dabbling in matchmaking for friends and acquaintances about eight years ago. Those he helps are observant young Muslims searching for a modern path to marriage that stays true to Islam.
American Muslims regularly speak of a “marriage crisis” in their communities, as growing numbers of Muslims reach their late 20s and early 30s still single. Young religious Muslims tend to avoid Western-style dating, but many also reject the ways of earlier generations, in which potential spouses were introduced to one another by family.
Traditionally, in South Asia and the Middle East, older women — often called the “aunties” — and parents recommended matches by drawing upon their extensive networks of family, friends and acquaintances. Marriage criteria were typically limited to religion, ethnicity, jobs and looks. But in the U.S., their little black books of contacts are significantly thinner and many second-generation American Muslims see such methods as decidedly old-world.
So, many turn to young volunteer matchmakers like Mertaban, who have connections in their hometowns, college circles and vast online networks.
Muslims gather for the special Eid ul-Fitr morning prayer at the Los Angeles Convention Center on August 30, 2011 in Los Angeles, California.
“The aunties don’t really know people very well and I think they’re just shooting in the dark,” said Mertaban, whose parents emigrated from Lebanon. “I think people have veered away from that.”
Amir Mertaban, Mohammad’s younger brother and a matchmaker as well, said the goal was “to keep this as close to Islam as possible. I’m trying to get people hooked up, but we’re trying to do this in a halal (permissible) manner.”
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What is and isn’t allowed is debated within the Muslim community. But those who seek a matchmaker’s help tend to steer clear of anything resembling dating and to avoid meeting one another without a chaperone. And even though they may see their parents’ methods as too traditional, they are still more comfortable seeking help from a go-between than online matrimonial sites or singles’ events held at mosques under the guise of “networking.”
Mertaban, who is lively with a quick laugh and a wide, almost Joker-like smile, says he didn’t choose to be a matchmaker but fell into the role after he helped a number of friends.
He grew up in Diamond Bar and has lived in Los Angeles, Irvine and Fullerton — where he is now a youth mentor at the area mosque — which helped him establish a wide Southern California Muslim network.
In his senior year at UCLA, Mertaban was president of the campus’ Muslim Student Assn. and the following year he was president of MSA-West, an umbrella group covering much of the West Coast. With chapters at universities nationwide, it has jokingly been called the Muslim Singles Assn.
He was well-liked and known for making other students, especially freshmen, feel welcome. Many turned to him for advice about their problems.
“He’s a leader… everybody trusts Mohammad,” said Lena Khan, 26, an independent filmmaker who attended UCLA with Mertaban. “If you need something at 2 a.m., you know Mohammad is happy to help you.”
In a community that observes a certain level of gender segregation, Mertaban, because of his leadership roles, interacted regularly with both men and women. Soon, students began asking him for help finding potential mates.
His first attempt involved one of his best friends, of Palestinian descent, and an Indian woman the man was interested in. It didn’t work, partly because of their different ethnicities — a cultural lesson Mertaban now keeps in mind when suggesting pairings. He organizes his lists of single men and women by nationality.
The “Single Sisters” directory on his laptop begins with a 28-year-old Afghan woman and ends with a 25-year-old Syrian. In between are almost three dozen women, ranging from their early 20s to early 30s with details such as “Algerian only” or “wants to marry an Egyptian dr, mba or engineer.” Other notations include “not hijabi,” referring to women who don’t wear a head scarf.
His “Single Brothers” list, which is kept separate, is longer.
Mertaban, who has been married since 2005 and has two young daughters, said he has become well known as a source of reliable information about single Muslims — perhaps too well known. “I’ll get random emails from people that I’ve met once,” he said. “And sometimes it’s just really overwhelming and I don’t want to take these cases on.”
At a recent Muslim conference, Mertaban volunteered at the information booth of a relief agency with projects in the Middle East and Africa. But some at the conference still wanted to talk matrimony.
A man from Northern California stood awkwardly beside Mertaban, saying, “Maybe you can mention potentials” as young women walked by. The man, whom Mertaban had previously tried to set up but without success, stayed at his elbow as conference-goers browsed through religious books and other materials. Too polite to mention his discomfort with the request, Mertaban escaped only when the call to prayer was made.
He had greater success with Khan, the filmmaker. On Valentine’s Day 2008, he called to say that a friend, Ahmad, was interested in her. For a few weeks, Khan peppered Mertaban with questions about her suitor.
Mertaban told her that Ahmad was devoted to his prayers and very involved in volunteer activities, both of which were important to her. He helped fill the gaps in a courtship that took place mostly over the phone, Khan said.
“Mohammad told me he was funny and it would have taken me forever … to find out because he’s not going to start busting out jokes on the phone with a girl he wants to marry,” she said. “If you want to know about a guy, you need someone like Mohammad.”
She and Ahmad were married 10 months later.
Twice previously, Khan’s parents had entertained suitors for her — young men and their parents — and both efforts ended the day they began. “It’s just not as fruitful,” she said.
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Even though Mertaban is a new-style matchmaker, his methods are relatively conservative. He is wary of suggesting matches for couples of different ethnicities and he declines to help any man who doesn’t plan to approach the woman’s father first for permission.
“I mean guys and girls shouldn’t be talking freely,” he said. “If you have the intention of getting married, the parents need to be involved.”
Sounding not unlike an “auntie” himself, he says those interested in marriage need to decide if they are compatible as a couple before emotions get in the way. He was introduced to his wife, Ferdaus Serhal, by his older sister who had worked with Serhal at a mosque. The couple emailed and spoke on the phone for two months before their families met.
Now he often consults with Serhal to get her opinion on a young woman or a possible pairing. He has matched eight couples who married and has about half a dozen more in progress. Still, he says he spends too much time counseling men with unrealistic expectations.
Two days after he ran into a college friend, Mertaban got a call from the man. They spent time catching up, and then the man volunteered that he was struggling to find a wife. Mertaban asked what he was looking for.
“He said he wants a girl with beautiful hair, tall, slender body and he wants her to have really pretty eyes and on top of that, get this, he wanted a girl who would not talk back to him,” the matchmaker recalled. “I thought this is not worth my time, this guy needs a lot more maturing.”
But he felt obliged to say something. He told the man, a doctor, that his criteria were unrealistic and noted that the prophet Muhammad encouraged men to marry women for their faith and character. He tried to be sensitive, knowing that asking for his help can be a humbling experience.
The man seemed to understand, but at the end of the conversation he just reiterated his requirements.
Mertaban hung up feeling frustrated.
55 Ways to Have a Happy Marriage
A Malaysian Muslim couple at their wedding
~*~55 Ways to Maintain a Happy Marriage~*~
(Zawaj.com Editor’s Note: this is based on an article that was published on a few Muslim forums with no author given. I’ve edited it so extensively, correcting mistakes and clarifying many points, that it’s essentially a new article.)
Marriage is a highly recommended Sunnah of Prophet Muhammad (sws).
The purpose of marriage in Islam is to increase the Muslim community and not only to enjoy pleasure as the Messenger of Allah (sws) said; “Multiply your wives, multiply your children and I shall be proud of you on the Day of Judgement.”
Although marriage is encouraged in Islam, Allah and his Messenger Muhammad (sws) haven’t left us to our rationality to discover what marriage entails and what things make a successful marriage. The following points highlight what makes a happy marriage based on the Qu’ran and Sunnah and how the husband and wife can gain each others heart.
Hadith: [Collected in Bukhari, Muslim and Musnad Imam Ahmed].
Abdullah ibn Masud narrated: “We used to sit with the Prophet (sws) and we didn’t have much money. He (sws) said ‘Whoever can marry should marry, it will help him lower his gaze or (if he cannot) he should fast.”
[Al-Qur’an 4:03] “And if you fear that you will not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls then marry (other) women of your choice, two, three or four; but if you fear that you will not be able to deal justly (with them), then only one, or those that your right hands possess. That is nearer to prevent you from doing injustice.”
[Al-Qur’an 24:32] “And marry those among you that are single and (also marry) the Salihun (pious, fit and capable ones) of your male servants and female servants. If they be poor Allah will enrich them out of His bounty. And Allah is All-Sufficient for His creatures’ needs, All-Knowing (about the state of the people).”
1. Time apart.
Short separations (hours or a few days) will strengthen the marriage but long separations can weaken the relationship.
• As they say ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder.’
2. Understand each others’ fitrah.
The fitrah is the natural disposition of a person, e.g. Allah has created man and women with certain qualities that are innate in them.
• The hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (sws) states that “Every person is born on a state of fitrah, it is their parents that change them to a Jew, Christian or Fire worshipper.” (Al Bukhari and Muslim). Both the husband and wife must try not to challenge each others’ fitrah but to adjust to and accommodate the partner’s God-given nature.
3. Solve disputes on the same day.
• Hadith: Prophet Muhammad (sws) said ; “Don’t let disputes stay until the next day but solve them the same day.”
• Shaytan is always there to cause fitna for people especially between the husband and wife so it’s important not to let disputes last longer than a day otherwise small issues will seem very big.
4 Don’t speak about your past!
• Islam forbids speaking about the sins you committed during your jahilliyah days (the time before practising Islam).
5 Don’t expect perfection – live your lives naturally.
• Hadith: A couple came to Prophet (saw) and said ‘we make mistakes’ and He (saw) said ‘you are not perfect’.
• Always evaluate problems honestly and don’t expect miracles.
6 Convey your love and warm feelings to each other.
• Hadith: “You must express yourself to your partners”
• The wife of the Prophet Muhammad (saw) said: “The Prophet (saw) never let a day pass without showing his affection.”
7 Fight against your own problems and don’t share anger with your partner.
8 Do not be critical of each other.
• Hadith: Prophet (saw) said “Do not be critical”. All type of criticism is forbidden in Islam.
• Islam allows certain type of lying in order to maintain a good relationship e.g. complementing on the wife’s cooking even if it doesn’t taste nice!
9 When disputing with your partner don’t expand the argument by adding all other previous disputes.
• Hadith: Prophet (saw) said “Dare any of you who sleeps with his wife in the night and then critises her in the morning.”
10 Never doubt your partner,
• Doubting each other can lead to the destruction of the marriage
11 Trust your partner and show you have full confidence in them.
12 Pick a suitable partner for yourself but also make sure that you are also compatible for your partner.
• Hadith: A man came to the Prophet Muhammad (saw) after seeing a woman for the purpose of marriage and said ‘She is of good Deen but her father refuses’ He (saw) replied ‘did you look to yourself?’ (This man never went for jihad or was see among the men of Medina ). The man replied ‘Ya Rasuallah, verily you have spoken the truth”.
13 The main pillar to maintain good relationship between the husband and wife is purity hence cleanliness of body and house etc is important.
• Once a woman complained to the Prophet (saw) about her husband’s bad odour.
• Hadith: The Messenger Muhammed (saw) said “None of you who believe in Allah, spits and covers it.”
14 You need to sacrifice to maintain relationship.
• Hadith : The Messenger Muhammad (saw) said; “Sacrifice is the best gift between the husband and wife.”
15 ADVISE FROM A SAHABIYAT TO HER DAUGHTER;
• “Care about your husband like you care about yourself and love for your partner what you love for yourself.”
• The Messenger Muhammad (saw) will never eat before his wives as mentioned in a hadith “ The best amongst you is the one who raises the food and feeds his wife.”
16 Give your partner gifts.
• Exchanging gifts will cause more inclinations towards each other and strengthen the relationship.
17 Don’t be selfish!
• Give and take, don’t always take.
18 Don’t accuse your partner for problems e.g. by saying ‘You did it’ or ‘it’s your fault.’
19 Live for the day and don’t worry about tomorrow.
• Allah knows whether or not you are going to wake up in the morning!
20 Always remember that marriage is a divine bond, so think twice before doing something on the impulse which you will regret later.
• Hadtih: The Messenger Muhammad (saw) said; “Three things that are serious; marriage, divorce and freeing the slave.”
21 Although love is an essential part of marriage, do not take it for granted and abuse each other thinking that your partner will always love you regardless of ill treatment.
22 Be an example to your partner and let your actions tell and convey your personality.
• Hadith: Muhammad (saw) said; “To change your partner the way you wish, be the model for them.”
• Hadith: “Pray Qiyaam with your wife.”
• Hadith: Once Fatima (ra) the daughter of the Prophet Muhammad (saw) asked ‘How can I be closer to Ali (ra)?’ He (saw) replied ‘Pray Qiyaam ul-Layl with him and whenever he wakes up, wake up with him.’
23 Do not let parents, relatives or neighbours interfere with your marriage.
• Try to reconcile between yourselves as much as you can and if that’s not possible than allow a trustworthy Muslim to arbitrate.
24 Don’t rush into correcting differences which you perceive in your partner. There are some matters that can only be changed with time.
25 The couple must both accept the consequences and responsibilities that marriage brings and be satisfied.
26 Do not embarrass or humiliate your partner especially in the presence of other people.
27 Participate in collective activities together.
• Co-operating with each other will bring a sense of family life e.g. Picnics, BBQ, dawah projects etc.
• The Prophet Muhammad used to do collective things with his wives.
28 Do not look down to your partner or ridicule their capability rather let your partner express themselves.
• Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw); “The good husband is the one when the speaks he listens and when she complains he is concerned.”
29 The financial right (Naafaqah) of the wife is something serious and her husband must fulfil it.
30 Do not share your sadness and misery with your partner rather exchange jokes and laughter.
31 Do not allow your friends to interfere in your marriage.
• Aisha (ra) the wife of Muhammad (saw) once said to the women of the Ansar “Watch out! Do not give room for your friends to interfere in your own privacy.”
• Part of a man’s fitrah is that he has the right of authority in the family as the head of the household and also that no one should know about his affairs.
32 Let your husband feel that you are content with him and that you are proud of him.
• Hadith : Muhammad (saw) “Do not compare your husband with another man and don not compare your wife with another woman.”
33 During times of disputes remember the goodness of your partner.
• Hadith: Muhammad (saw) said; “The good deed abolishes the bad deed”
34 Abu Bakr (ra) said: “In order to understand the character and goodness of your partner, and to fight defection, remember;
• What you like about your partner?
• What happy experience has passed you two?
• What things you did together?”
• Umar bin Khattab (ra) said: “The good man is the one who makes his partner like him and appreciate him.”
35 Be careful not to use abusive words during times of disputes.
36 Have celebrations with the family.
• The Prophet Muhammad used to encourage his daughter Fatima (ra) and Ali (ra) to celebrate with their children.
37 The intelligent wife is the one who asks her husband for things at the right time e.g. don’t ask for a expensive dress if you know he can’t afford it!
38 Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said ; “Three things that should not be used My dignity, My status, My pride.”
39 Do not abolish the presence of your partner. Always have consult your partner, even if it’s for small issues like grocery shopping.
40 Do not run away from home!
• If you want to discipline the wife for doing something sinful then separate from the bed but don’t leave home.
• Hadith: The Messenger Muhammad (saw) said; “Don’t run away from home”
41 Do not anger your husband by asking too many unnecessary questions and vice versa.
42 Do not desert the husband at home.
• Umar bin Khattab disciplined a woman for that and said to her; ‘Are you a woman or a man?’
43 Do not exchange roles!
• Allah (swt) has clearly defined the rights and responsibilities of the husband and wife hence it is not proper for us to swap them. A woman must remember even if she is working, her husband, children and home would always come first.
44 Respect the In-laws.
45 Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said; “Honour your mother in-law and call her by the best names (according to the tradition).”
46 Don’t let the neighbour interfere.
• Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said; “Look after your neighbours and participate with them in happiness and sadness and always command them to obey Allah.”
• Disclosing family secrets is not participating in sadness!
47 Be careful not to have disputes frequently, it will jeopardise the relationship.
• Learn to sacrifice in issues of permissibility in order to maintain tranquillity.
48 Always establish quietness, calmness and tranquillity in the home.
49 Do not interfere with your partner when they are disciplining the children except in an emergency where your partner is violating the shari’ah.
50 Look after your children and maintain a high standard of upbringing e.g. clothing, feeding etc.
51 Listen to your husband and try not to forget to do things for which he has asked you to do.
• Hadith: The Prophet Muhammad (saw) said ; “Teach your wife the chapter of An-Nisa, Al-Maida, An-Nur (from the Qu’ran).”
52 Shari’ah must be the centre of your lives and obedience to your husband is one of the means to Jannah.
53 Remember that Allah will always test you and there will be times that you may have domestic problems but remember every problem doesn’t mean the end!
54 Avoid arguing with each other especially in front of children.
55 The wife should not allow anyone to enter her home without the permission of her husband.
Look Beyond the Packaging: How to Choose a Husband, Wife or Friend
The most beautiful things in the world don't come in packages
By Wael Abdelgawad | Zawaj.com
Is his hair nicely styled? Is he the perfect height?
Is her makeup just right? Does her body have the perfect curves?
This is packaging, it’s irrelevant.
American, Pakistani, Mexican, Egyptian, Bengali, Indonesian, black, white, brown, this is a veneer. It’s unimportant in the long run. When you’re sick and battling to recover, it’s not an American who holds you and tells you that it will be okay, who makes you chicken soup with lemon and ginger… It’s a human being, a husband or wife who loves you.
We must get beyond superficial and meaningless classifications like race and nationality.
Does he wear Armani suits cut just right? Are his shoes sleek and shiny? Does her clothing drape elegantly on her figure?
You know what? That Armani suit can’t stand on its own. It needs a hangar just to stay upright. That elegant clothing can’t raise your children right.
We must learn to look beyond appearances. I’m not saying that appearance is irrelevant, but how much of our attraction is based on true human beauty, and how much is based on distorted standards and poisonous imagery pumped into our brains by TV, movies, advertising, magazines and billboards? In other words, to what degree have we been brainwashed?
The world of advertising teaches us to focus on the wrong things. Consultants are paid millions of dollars to design the perfect package for a box of cereal or an energy drink, just the right shape and bright color to catch your eye and entice you to buy. Meanwhile, the product – as often as not – is actually bad for you, consisting of empty calories, sugar, chemicals and dyes. They are teaching us to make choices based on packaging and image, and what they are teaching us is entirely ruinous and wrong.
Human beings, however, are not consumer products. We’re not disposable. When you marry someone you’re in it for the long haul. You’re with them when they wake up in the morning with crust in their eyes and hair stuck to one side of the their head; when they get laid off from their job and you don’t know how the bills will get paid next month; when they’re depressed, tired, sick; when they make mistakes, when they say and do the wrong things, when they lose their temper, when they’re afraid or insecure…
This is as serious as it gets. This is life, and the right package won’t get you through it, won’t help on you the path, won’t hold you up when you’re weak, or put a smile in your heart when you’re down. The package can’t do that. Remember that when you buy something, the package ends up in the trash. If you choose someone for the package only, you may be bitterly disappointed when the storm comes and no one is there to keep you safe.
These are lessons learned through heartache and disappointment. These are lessons I have learned.
Look deeper. Find a gentle heart, a strong backbone, a striving spirit. Look to what the person does, how they live, how they treat people, how they relate to the Almighty. Look to that shimmering soul inside, and discern whether it’s a selfish and bitter soul, or loving and true. Look beyond the packaging to the person inside, and trust your fitrah-based instincts, and you’ll find yourself a rare happiness, and a precious partnership.
The most beautiful, powerful things in the world don’t come in packages. Mountains, trees, ocean, sky, stars… their true attributes are bared to the world. They don’t need packages because they are beautiful and profound in their essence.
By basing your life choices on matters of substance, you’ll avoid social and financial traps that ruin so many. You’ll build friendships as real and solid as mountains, with people you can trust with your honor, your heart and your life. You’ll do work that matters, and leave a legacy that improves people’s lives in unforgettable ways.
In Vitro Fertilization in Islam
In Vitro Fertilization
Ruling on in vitro fertilization, or egg donation, in Islam
Reprinted from IslamOnline.net
In the Name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
All praise and thanks are due to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon His Messenger.
Dear questioner, thank you very much for having confidence in us, and we hope our efforts, which are purely for Allah’s Sake, meet your expectations.
In the first place, we would like to stress that in vitro fertilization is permissible as long as the semen and ovum are from a husband and wife who are legally married and the fertilization takes place during their marriage, not after divorce or the death of the husband.
Responding to the question, Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi, former President of the Islamic Society of North America, states the following:
“In vitro fertilization is a new biomedical method to help couples who are otherwise not able to have a child through normal husband/wife relationship.
Modern Muslim jurists did research on this method and in the light of the Shari`ah principles have given their opinions. In the following, I am going to give a summary of their modern ijtihad on this subject.
First of all let me explain briefly what is in vitro fertilization. It is a biomedical method that is generally used when, due to some obstruction, the sperm of the husband cannot reach the ovum. In this case the ovum is removed from her ovary at the time of ovulation.
This ovum is then exposed to the husband’s sperm in vitro in the hope that it will be fertilized. The fertilized ovum is then maintained in a test tube and at a later stage when it becomes an embryo it is deposited in the woman’s uterus. Thus, a woman who would otherwise not be able to conceive a baby is able to have a normal pregnancy and the couple enjoys the child.
Based on the principle that the Shari`ah came to protect and preserve the lineage or nasab of the people and thus it is haram to marry a woman during her `iddah or to have an intercourse with a woman who is carrying another person’s pregnancy, the Muslim jurists have allowed the use of in vitro fertilization only between legally married couples during their marriage.
Thus in vitro fertilization is permissible as long as the semen and ovum are from the couple who are legally married and the fertilization takes place during their marriage, not after divorce or the death of the husband.
A divorced woman is not allowed to receive the fertilized ovum (embryo) from her ex-husband. Similarly, a widow is not allowed to take it after the death of her husband. Surrogacy, i.e., giving the embryo to another woman to carry on the pregnancy in her womb is also not permissible in Islam. It also not permissible for a Muslim woman to act as a surrogate mother.”
The Benefits and Dangers of Marriage
An Australian Muslim couple. Islam recommends marriage because of its many benefits.
Reprinted from Ummah.com’s archives
Benefits of Marriage
The main benefits of marriage are:
- Seeking children:
- Marriage contributes to the building of society, propagation of the human race, and increasing the numbers of Muslims. Pleasing the Prophet (pbuh), by increasing the numbers of his followers. “Marry the loving and child-bearing, for I shall outnumber the nations by you on the Day of Resurrection.” (Ahmad. A similar narration has been recorded by al-Bayhaqi and al-Tabarani, and Hafiz ibn Hajar cited it in “al-Fath” indicating that it is hasan or sahih according to him)
- Seeking blessings through a righteous child through his Du’a and other good deeds on your behalf after your death, or should the child die young then through his intercession.
- “When the son of Adam dies, his good deeds come to an end, except from three [sources] : perennial charity (sadaqah jariyah), knowledge from which benefit is obtained, and a pious child who prays for him.” [Riyad al-Saliheen]
Other benefits are –
- Protection from Satan through legitimate channelling of the reproductive drive, thereby saving oneself and one’s spouse from related sins.
- Peace of mind and companionship, development of love and mercy between the spouses.
- Development of ties between families.
- Sharing of tasks in the household, such that the overall burden on each person is less.
- Inculcation of a sense of responsibility and improvement of one’s self through expending effort and making sacrifices for the protection and welfare of one’s family, taking care of their needs (physical, material, emotional, spiritual), and bearing inconveniences and each other’s faults patiently.
Dangers of Marriage
At the same time, there are potential dangers to marriage, which one must watch beware of and try to avoid.
Among them :
- Failure to earn halal income, such that one turns to increasing his income through haram means, in the effort to spend on one’s family.
- Failure to fulfil the duties of marriage, in particular the rights of the wife, or failure to be patient with its difficulties. “Every one of you is a guardian, and every one of you is liable to be questioned about those in his care. The man is a guardian with regard to his family, and is liable to be questioned about those in his care. The woman is a guardian with respect to her husband’s house, and is liable to be questioned about that in her care. So, every one of you is a guardian, and every one of you is liable to be questioned about those in his care.” (Bukhari, Muslim)
- Being distracted by one’s family from religious obligations, such that one spends his days and nights in enjoyment with them without caring to ponder over the Hereafter to work for it. “O you who believe! Let not your wealth or your children distract you from the remembrance of Allah. And whoever does that, they are the losers.” [Quran, 63:9]
Conclusion
“A dinar which you spend in the path of Allah, a dinar which you spend [to free] a slave, a dinar which you give as sadaqah to a needy person, and a dinar which you spend on your family : the most superior of these is the one which you spend on your family.”
Our Lord! Grant us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and makes us leaders for the pious. O Allah! Grant blessings and peace to our master Muhammad, and to his Household and Companions.
Conversations with a pregnant wife, Part 1 – “Honey, I have a craving!”
This was originally published as, “Honey, You’re Pregnant” on IslamOnline.net
Part 1: Honey, I Have a Craving!
Part 2: Watch Out, She’s Moody!
Part 3: What’s in a Name?
By Yasser Aboudouma
Writer, Civil Engineer – Egypt
There are common arguments, especially in Egypt, that are repeated daily between each husband and his lovely and adorable wife, who by the way is pregnant for the first time!
Usually, the story begins when the wife suspects that she is pregnant. She runs to the nearest lab for a pregnancy test, and once she is confirmed pregnant, all her life is changed and her husband’s life is pushed to the edge, or more pointedly, to the verge of collapse.
“I have to see a good doctor,” the wife says.
“But, your doctor is good and she has a good reputation,” replies the husband.
With the start of a period of pregnancy, there are a lot of requests, orders, and special considerations, and the poor husband has to listen and obey, because her majesty is going through her first pregnancy!
* * *
First Month
Wife: I want to see a male doctor like all my girlfriends. My doctor is old and boring.
Husband: Honey, you are veiled, and there is no necessity to visit a male doctor; and whether your doctor is old or young, what matters is her experience and qualifications. If you don’t feel comfortable with your doctor, we can look for another female doctor.
Wife: NO! I know that females are not that experienced in medicine.
Husband: (mumbling) In everything, not only medicine!
The arguments continue till the husband succeeds in convincing his wife that another female doctor would be good, especially that she is a little younger than the previous doctor. But, the wife is still unhappy as the new doctor does not have the latest high technology of ultrasonography.
Wife: See! This doctor also failed to show me the baby.
Husband: Honey, you are still in your first month, there is no baby to see.
Wife: My friend’s doctor showed her the baby in her first month, and the baby was moving, plus she could hear his heartbeat.
Husband: Oh yeah! And the baby was walking too, right! In the first month, the baby looks like a dot.
As usual, that argument ends with going to one of the private hospitals where there are the latest medical equipment. At the hospital, the doctor explains to the wife that there is no way any instrument can show a baby, its movement, or its heartbeat, as the baby is not big enough. Finally, they quietly return back home and the wife realizes that she has to wait.
* * *
Second Month
The second month of pregnancy means nausea and cravings for certain foods. Hormones start to increase rapidly, which affects the pregnant woman’s behavior with her husband and her colleagues at work. Be careful if you have pregnant women at your company and/or office.
Wife: Honey, I have a craving for watermelon with no seeds.
Husband: I have never heard of that! Watermelon with no seeds!
Wife: That’s not my concern. I crave for it and I want it. Do you want our baby to be born with a birthmark?
Wife: I think my tummy is a little bigger than normal. I believe I have twins!
Husband: No, your tummy is still the same, and the doctor told us that you have a single baby, not twins.
Wife: So! Maybe the doctor could not see him.
Day after day, this kind of dialogue goes on and on, especially when the wife goes to work. Expect your pregnant wife to return from work in a bad mood, nervous, and quite, quite mad because …
Wife: (nervously) I have to quit work. I will give them my resignation tomorrow. I can’t handle work and all the people there. It’s OVER!
Husband: What happened?
Wife: Imagine. At the weekly meeting, my manager suggested something that should be done. I told him that I don’t think it’s beneficial to work. He kept arguing with me, and he wasn’t convinced by what I said.
Husband: That’s normal. He is your boss, and he has a right to argue with you about work.
Wife: Men, men, men! You are one of them, and all men are the same – sure you’ll defend him. No, he has no right to do so and no right to argue with me; he meant to irritate me. All of the men in the meeting, and the world, have to take a one-way trip to Iraq, and I’m ready to pay for the tickets!
Wife: Also, that girl in the meeting, instead of supporting me and taking my side, she supported him and made more suggestions that I have to implement.
Husband: Honey, it’s normal; that girl is your close friend and she has always been kind to you.
Wife: NO! It’s not normal. They have to know that I’m pregnant and my increasing hormones affect my mood, so they shouldn’t argue with me at all!
Husband: Sweetheart, let’s forget all about work – what do we have for dinner today?
Wife: (In a very shy, soft, and passive voice) Honey, do you really want something to eat today? I was nervous today and needed to rest because I was worried about the baby. But there’s a tin of tuna in the kitchen.
Husband: What! You will not join me for dinner?
Wife: No. When I had finished the meeting, I returned to my office and ordered some food to help me relax.
Days will pass, and life will crawl along slowly until “this woman” reaches her third month of pregnancy.
* * *
Third Month
In this month, the pregnant wife is assured that she has a single baby. Hormones increase rapidly, which affect the routine of her life and make her feel lazy and sleepy most of the time. She will be curious to see the baby each and every day, and she will want to trace its growth accordingly.
Wife: Yesterday, the doctor didn’t show me the baby well. The baby’s hand didn’t show up clearly.
Husband: Don’t worry. The doctor and I saw the baby, and it looked really great.
Wife: I’m not asking for what you and the doctor did or didn’t see! I have to re-visit the doctor next week, and I’ll ask her to show me the baby.
Husband: She arranged the next appointment for next month, not next week.
Wife: No problem. She won’t remember, and my friend told me that her doctor had ultrasound and showed her the baby on a weekly basis.
Husband: Honey, your friend is in her sixth month, while you are in your third.
Wife: Arrrrrgh! Stop arguing with me. You are just like my colleagues at work; useless!
Or the dialogue may go back to the size of the wife’s “tummy”!
Wife: Honey, I think my tummy is starting to get bigger.
Husband: No dear, I think it is still the normal size.
Wife: You see, my pregnant friends told me so. They also told me that in the third month my tummy starts to get bigger. Plus, I’ll feel the baby’s movement and I’ll hear his heartbeats too.
Arguments, arguments, arguments; your life will be all about arguments with your sweet, pregnant wife! You have to be patient and quiet, and you must support her, even if she surprises you by trying to manipulate everything for her own benefit.
Wife: Honey, I want to eat something.
Husband: What’s that, sweetheart? We can have it delivered here.
Wife: I wish to eat at that restaurant we went to on the day we got married.
Husband: Yeah, but it’s far away from here and previously you complained that you get tired from being in the car, especially for long distances.
Wife: No, no. If we go to that restaurant, I won’t feel tired.
Husband: OK honey, we’ll go this weekend.
Wife: No, I want to go today, NOW – otherwise, the baby will be born with a birthmark! as I crave eating in that restaurant.
Husband: Sweetheart, I understand that pregnant women crave for certain kinds of food, not certain kinds of restaurant!
Wife: Have you ever been pregnant? How would you know about cravings? This is my desire.
Of course, these arguments end in one direction only, the pregnant wife’s direction; and the husband has to admit that he will lose his case to his wife, who represents the half of society, whom we call weak!
Part 2: Watch Out, She’s Moody!
Part 3: What’s in a Name?
***
Yasser Aboudouma is an Egyptian-Canadian who lives between Cairo and Ontario. He holds a B.Sc. in engineering and a diploma in project management. He is interested in issues of social and cultural differences.
Long or Short Engagement? – Thoughts of Young Muslims
Long or Short Engagement?
By Safiyyah Surtee for IslamOnline
It is time to get married. You have completed your studies, landed a good job and now you are yearning for love and companionship. Your family has introduced you to a lovely person, who you think you might be compatible with. A few chaperoned meetings and intense conversations later, and you both agree you want to spend the rest of your lives together. So, just how long should you wait before the wedding?
What Is an Engagement?
Before delving into whether a short or long engagement is preferable, let me define what an engagement is, in the context of Muslim societies. According to the people I interviewed, there seems to be three broad definitions.
One is that the engagement period is a time, for the couple who intend to get married, to get to know each other better and for their families to get acquainted, in a healthy environment, free from the threat of temptation.
Another is that an engagement is simply the time before the wedding, when arrangements and preparations are being made, but it does not involve any physical contact between the bride and groom.
Third, is when the couple is already legally married, but have not yet started living together because of various factors like achieving financial independence, completing their education, or simply taking the time to court, before moving in with each other.
I asked some people about the appropriate length of an engagement.
Thoughts of Young Muslims!
Amina, a soon-to-be-married student in Grahamstown, South Africa:
We have made a bigger deal about getting to know people than it really is. I am not saying that with just one conversation you will know, but I definitely disagree with the idea that it takes two people more than three months to get to know each other. With regards to the engagement period – as it stands in society – I think people should be more realistic and have a shorter engagement period. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) encouraged us to not delay marriage!
Tasneem, a British divorcee from Dubai, U.A.E.:
It is difficult to say which is better – a short or long engagement – as it depends on the couple, but personally, I think anything longer than 6 months is pushing it. Wedding preparation time is highly stressful anyway so the more drawn out it is, the more stress and probably more issues and problems will arise with your fiancé. Engagements that are too short though, do not give enough time for the couple to get to know each other enough. So I think 4-6 months is enough – not too short, like 1 month, and not too long as in years!
Aasiya, single, from Johannesburg, South Africa:
An engagement means absolutely nothing to me; it is a physical representation of your intention to someone; although I must be honest, I do not believe in engagements personally. This is because how I see it, you should state your intention and follow through. But if we must then I would say that long engagements create an opportunity for temptation. I think a year at most.
Farzana, married, from Doha, Qatar:
I think that it is up to the couple. Some people need more time to build relationships and others do not. I liked having the time to get to know my husband pretty well; you get to know each other without the constraints that come with learning to deal with a new life. Let’s face it, we do change as we age depending what we go through in life, and I like knowing that he knew me as a whimsical girl who was a whole lot more free-spirited than I am today – so yes, a long engagement worked for me.
Mohammed Ziyad, married, from Cape Town, South Africa:
Although engagements are necessary at times, it should not allow the couple to go out alone, as they are not yet married. I think that this period can be used to get to know each other or allow time for the family to prepare for the wedding. In my case, I proposed to my wife, 3 months before marrying her; therefore, I favor the short engagement-.
Rahmat, single, from Johannesburg, South Africa:
I do not agree with the term ‘engagement’. I think it is used too loosely nowadays, but if I had to give an answer I would say that it should be kept to a short period of time. As a Shi’ah, we have a different kind of engagement, which allows the couple to get to know each other legally, but with restrictions of course.
Expert Point of View
Shameema, a youth guidance counsellor from Australia, who works within the Muslim communities, said:
To me an engagement is the period where the couple can get to know each other better, and I believe that it should be a short period, a couple of months at most before marriage. I think the families from both sides need to help facilitate this process by inviting the other family over and allowing the two young people to see each other in different situations.
She added:
At the end of the day, families will always have the greatest influence on the way young people view and behave in their marriages. In Perth we only have about 5 registered Imams who can perform the wedding ceremony that are recognized by the government. I think that before anyone is allowed to be married by the Imams, they need to complete a marriage course. This should be done during the engagement period, so the duration of the engagement should last as long as it takes the couple to complete the course.
It seems quite heavy-handed, but I only see benefits for the two people planning to spend their lives together. At the moment we are looking at what courses are available and also how we can come up with something ourselves taking information from what is available,
She added:
I want to get together with a psychologist, a sheikh and a few other community representatives who have experience in marriage counseling, and get them to write up a course. It should involve separate workshops for the bride and groom as well as workshops that are done together. I believe that in part of the workshop, the Imam should encourage the families to get to know each other, and get to know the son or daughter-in-law. The workshop should include things like finance and budgeting as well, to teach the everyday life skills that one needs for marriage.
Personal Experience
From my own experience, I found that a short engagement of just 5 months was sufficient time for my husband and I to get to know each other well enough and prepare ourselves for marriage. Here in South Africa, the Islamic Care-line offers a course similar to the one spoken of above, which I believe is a very effective way to spend the engagement period.
Muslim youth living in the West face different challenges than those living in Muslim majority nations. In the West, the couple may first have to deal with financial issues, or as reverts, they may have no support from their families, which will affect the length of their engagement. Youth living in Muslim countries also face predicaments, where in some conservative societies, it is difficult to meet, let alone get to know, the person they are going to marry.
In the light of the Quran and Sunnah, it preferable not to delay marriage, but of course we have to take the individual circumstances of the couple into account. In some cases, they may need to have a longer engagement, so that they can complete their studies, or find a home and in other cases, it may have to be very short. As long as the marriage is not delayed for reasons that are not pressing, like saving for an extravagant wedding or dating, whether they have a long or short engagement is up to them, their families and what is culturally acceptable.
*****
Safiyyah Surtee is a freelance writer currently living in Dubai. She studiesArabic and Islamic Studies. She is involved in many social projects in South Africa and the U.A.E. She also manages her own blog.
Can a Muslim Woman Initiate a Marriage Proposal?
There has been some discussion on our sister site IslamicAnswers.com about whether a Muslim woman is allowed to approach a man with a marriage proposal. One sister in particular has been pushing the idea that it is shameful or improper, so I want to correct this misconception.
If a Muslim woman comes to know of a man who has good character and deen and would make a good husband, there is absolutely nothing wrong with approaching him in an honorable way with a marriage proposal.
Some ways that she could do this would be to ask her parents to approach his parents; or to send a message through someone who knows him (for example his sister, aunt, cousin, etc) that she is interested, in order to learn if he also might be interested. She can also approach him directly and raise the subject, as long as she follows Islamic rules of etiquette (meeting in public, having a chaperone, no flirtatious or sexual speech, lowering the gaze, etc).
This may be seen as improper or brazen in some cultures. But that is a cultural attitude, not an Islamic one.
Let us look to the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) as our example, since the Quran says, “There has certainly been for you in the Messenger of Allah an excellent pattern for anyone whose hope is in Allah and the Last Day and [who] remembers Allah often.” (33:21)
First of all, he accepted a proposal from a woman, Khadijah (RA), who became his wife. It’s true that he had not yet been appointed as a Prophet at that time nor was the Quran revealed; however, he was protected by Allah from sin from the time of his birth. Allah would never have permitted him to accept a proposal from a woman if doing so was in any way shameful or improper.
Consider this incident, narrated in Al-Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 54:
Narrated Sahl bin Sad:
A woman presented herself to the Prophet (for marriage). A man said to him, “O Allah’s Apostle! (If you are not in need of her) marry her to me.” The Prophet said, “What have you got?” The man said, “I have nothing.” The Prophet said (to him), “Go and search for something) even if it were an iron ring.” The man went and returned saying, “No, I have not found anything, not even an iron ring; but this is my (Izar) waist sheet, and half of it is for her.” He had no Rida’ (upper garment). The Prophet said, “What will she do with your waist sheet? If you wear it, she will have nothing over her; and if she wears it, you will have nothing over you.” So the man sat down and when he had sat a long time, he got up (to leave). When the Prophet saw him (leaving), he called him back, or the man was called (for him), and he said to the man, “How much of the Quran do you know (by heart)?” The man replied I know such Sura and such Sura (by heart),” naming the Suras The Prophet said, “I have married her to you for what you know of the Quran.”
A Muslim woman prays at the Baiturrahman grand mosque in Banda Aceh
As we can see, a woman approached the Prophet (pbuh) for marriage and he did not disapprove of that or criticize her. He personally did not wish to marry her, so he matched her with someone else and married them to each other.
Furthermore, a general rule in Islamic fiqh is that all things are halal unless they are specifically prohibited by Quran or Sunnah. And there is nothing in Quran or Sunnah that would suggest that it is prohibited for a woman to initiate a marriage proposal. And Allah knows best.
Ronnie Hassan of understanding-islam.com has answered this question as follows:
Complications may enter the picture due to the cultural foundations and not Islamic ones… (however), there is absolutely no prohibition in Islam for a woman to propose marriage to a man. There are no moral or ethical limitations from the Islamic perspective. You will find reassurance in the fact the Khadijah, the Prophet’s wife, is reported to have proposed marriage to him and he accepted. Obviously, our best role model is the Prophet and in this we can find a most beautiful example.
It is perfectly fine for you to approach the young man in a most honorable way and let him know your intentions by hinting or being flat out about it, depending upon the noble custom in your society. This is not prohibited by Islam.
Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari says about this issue:
Islamically, marriage negotiations can be initiated or marriage can be proposed by either of the two parties. Similarly, there is nothing wrong with a daughter (or son) suggesting a suitable and righteous person to the parents provided it is done with decorum and observance of Islamic guidelines.
Unfortunately, however, there remains a stigma within certain Muslim cultures against a woman’s family proposing or initiating marriage talks. It is likewise considered rude and offensive for the daughter to suggest a suitable man to her parents which, in some cases, is automatically deemed to mean that she is involved in an illicit relationship with him. If a girl respectfully offers herself to a suitable man for marriage, it is considered a crime! All these culturally-driven notions and customs are not endorsed by the teachings of Islam.
Imam al-Bukhari (Allah have mercy on him) has a chapter in his Sahih collection titled: “A man offering his daughter or sister to the people of good” in which he establishes that marriage can be proposed by the woman’s family, and that there is no shame or indecency in doing so. He records the following Hadith:
Abdullah ibn Umar (Allah be pleased with him) relates that Umar ibn al-Khattab (Allah be pleased with him), when [his daughter] Hafsa bint Umar (Allah be pleased with her) became a widow upon the death of Khunays ibn Hudhafa al-Sahmi (Allah be pleased with him) – who was one of the Companions of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) and died in Madina – Umar ibn al-Khattab said, “I went to Uthman ibn Affan (Allah be pleased with him) and offered Hafsa to him [for marriage].” He said, “I will think about it.” He met me after a few days and said, “It seems to me that I should not marry at this time.” Umar said, “Then I met Abu Bakr al-Siddiq (Allah be pleased with him) and said, “If you wish, I can marry you to Hafsa bint Umar.” Abu Bakr remained silent and did not give me any reply at all. That was more painful for me than [what I felt with the reply of] Uthman. Some days later, the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) proposed for her and I married her off to him. Abu Bakr met me and said, “Perhaps you were upset with me when you offered Hafsa to me and I did not reply to you at all?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “I was only prevented from replying to you [in the positive] in regards to what you offered me due to the fact that I knew the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) had considered her and I am not the one who would reveal the secret of the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace). Had the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) left her, I would have accepted her.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, no: 4830)
In the above narration, Sayyiduna Umar ibn al-Khattab (Allah be pleased with him) offered his daughter, Hafsa (Allah be pleased with her), not only to one but two individuals: Sayyiduna Uthman and Sayyiduna Abu Bakr al-Siddiq (Allah be pleased with them), with the latter already being married. As such, there is nothing wrong with a woman’s guardian (wali) proposing marriage on her behalf to a righteous and suitable man.
Muslim woman making bread
Similarly, when the Prophet of Allah, Sayyiduna Shu’ayb (peace be upon him) observed the beautiful character of Sayyiduna Musa (peace be upon him) and his praiseworthy attributes such as trustworthiness, he proposed marriage to him for one of his daughters. Allah Most High says:
“And when he [Musa, peace be upon him] arrived at the waters of Madyan, he found a large number of people watering [their animals] and found, aloof from them, two women withholding their animals. He said, “What is the matter with you?” They replied, “We cannot water [our animals] until these shepherds take [their animals] back after watering them, and our father is a very old man.” So he watered [their animals] for them, then turned to a shade and said, “My Lord, I am in need of whatever good you send down to me.” Then one of the two women came to him, walking bashfully. She said, “My father is calling you, so that he may give you a reward for watering our animals.” So when he [Musa, peace be upon him] came to him [the father of the women, i.e. Shu’ayb, peace be upon him] and narrated to him the whole story, the latter said, “Do not fear; you have escaped from the wrongdoing people.” One of the two women said, “Dear father, hire him; the best man you can hire is someone who is strong and trustworthy.” He [the father] said [to Musa], “I wish to marry one of these two daughters of mine to you on condition that you act as my employee for eight years. Then if you complete ten [years], it will be of your own accord. And I do not want to put you in any trouble; you will find me, God-willing, one of the righteous.” (Qur’an: 28:23-27)
Furthermore, Sahl ibn Sa’d (Allah be pleased with him) relates that a woman came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) and offered herself to him [for marriage]. He said, “I do not have any need for women right now.” A man said, “O Messenger of Allah, marry her to me!” He asked, “Do you have anything [to give as dowry]?” He replied, “I do not have anything.” The Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) said, “Give something to her, even if only an iron ring.” He said, “I do not have anything.” So the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) asked, “Do you know any portion of the Qur’an?” He said, “Such-and-such.” He said, “I have married her to you for what you know of the Qur’an.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, no: 5141)
Sayyiduna Thabit al-Bunani (Allah be pleased with him) relates that I was in the company of Anas (Allah be pleased with him) while his daughter was with him. Anas said, “A woman came to the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) offering herself to him [in marriage] and said, “O Messenger of Allah, do you have any need of me?” [Upon hearing this], the daughter of Anas said, “How immodest is she! Shame! Shame!” Anas said, “She is better than you! She desired the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and grant him peace) and so offered herself to him.” (Sahih al-Bukhari, no: 4828)
These two Hadiths clearly establish the permissibility of a woman proposing marriage to a man. Indeed, the females offered themselves to the best of creation (Allah bless him & give him peace); however, it is not specific with him (Allah bless him & give him peace). It is for this reason that Imam al-Bukhari (Allah have mercy on him) chose to name the chapter in which he records these Hadiths: “A woman offering herself to a righteous man” signifying that a woman may propose marriage to any righteous and suitable man.
Imam al-Hafidh Ibn Hajar al-Asqalani (Allah have mercy on him) states in his commentary, Fath al-Bari:
“These two Hadiths indicate the permissibility of a woman offering herself to a [righteous] man for marriage and informing him of her desire to marry him, and there is no disgrace in doing so.” (Fath al-Bari, 9/219)
As such, in conclusion, it is perfectly acceptable for a woman’s family to propose marriage. Likewise, it is not indecent or disgraceful for a woman to desire a man for his righteousness, piety and good character, and thus propose marriage to him as long as it is done through the proper channels and without violating any rules of Shari’ah.
And Allah knows best
Muhammad ibn Adam
Darul Iftaa
Leicester , UK
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