Knowledge 
Eid 2011 Photos – 20 Great Pics
Here are some great photos of Eid-ul-Fitr 2011 around the world. I collected these from the BBC, International Business News, and a few other sources. Happy Eid!
Children in Jakarta, Indonesia celebrate Eid 2011. Some Indonesians celebrated Eid on Tuesday despite the government setting Wednesday as the official date.
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- Lahore’s Badshahi Mosque before Eid al-Fitr prayers. Eid al-Fitr marks the end of Ramadan, when Muslims thank Allah for helping with their month-long fast.
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- Nepalese Muslims take part in early morning prayers at the Kashmiri Mosque in Kathmandu.
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- Volunteers carry vegetables, peppers, eggs, and other items from Kraton Palace to the Great Mosque of Kauman in Yogyakarta, Indonesia.
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- Just before Eid worshippers gather for the Night of Power (Laylat al-Qadr) in the Moscow Historical Mosque, the oldest in the city.
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- Muslim immigrants living in Greece attend Eid al-Fitr prayers in Athens.
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- Yemenis perform Eid al-Fitr prayers before a demonstration demanding the resignation of Yemen’s President Ali Abdullah Saleh, in the capital, Sanaa.
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- Afghan refugee boys in Islamabad play on a home made swing during Eid al-Fitr 2011
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- People gather for Eid-ul-Fitr prayer in Tahrir Square in Cairo, Egypt – 2011
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- Iraqi children in Basra play on a makeshift swing during the Eid holiday
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- Khalid Raban of Rawalpindi, 43, rides his motorcycle on a vertical track as fans watch
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- In Tripoli, Libyans celebrate the first Eid al-Fitr since the fall of the Gaddafi regime.
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- Children in Jakarta, Indonesia celebrate Eid 2011. Some Indonesians celebrated Eid on Tuesday despite the government setting Wednesday as the official date.
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- Eid-ul-Fitr in Tahrir Square in Cairo, Egypt, 2011
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- Tehran, Iran: Supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei leads prayers during the Eid al-Fitr prayers ceremony at Tehran University
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- A balloon seller outside the Kashmiri Takiya Jame mosque in Kathmandu, Nepal, during Eid
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- Men hug during Eid in Tripoli, Libya, after the 2011 uprising against Qaddafi
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- Salat al-Eid at Jama Masjid mosque in Ahmedabad, India, in 2011
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- Muslim women offer Eid al-Fitr prayers at the Don Bosco school grounds in the southern Indian city of Chennai
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- Surinamese Muslims of Javanese origin sing and dance during Eid al-Fitr celebrations in Wanica
ISNA Eid Announcement 2011 / 1432 AH
Eid Greetings
ISNA’s Eid Announcement:
Fiqh Council of North America Announces 2011 Ramadan and Eid Dates
Eidul Fitr on Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Doubts have been raised by some about the decision of the Fiqh Council of North America and the European Council of Fatwa and Research about the date of Eidul Fitr this year on August 30, 2011. Following are some clarifications from the Fiqh Council of North America.
- The Fiqh Council of North America recognizes astronomical calculation as an acceptable Shar’i method for determining the beginning of Lunar months including the months of Ramadan and Shawwal. FCNA uses Makkah al-Mukarram as a conventional point and takes the position that the conjunction must take place before sunset in Makkah and moon must set after sunset in Makkah.
- The Astronomical New Moon is on August 29, 2011 (Monday) at 3:04 Universal Time (6:04 a.m. Makkah time). On Monday, August 29, sunset at Makkah is 6:40 p.m. local time, while moonset is at 6:44 pm local time.
- It is claimed that the new moon will not be visible on August 29 anywhere in the world. This information is not correct.
- In United States the birth of Astronomical new moon is on August 28, 2011 (Sunday) at 11:04 p.m. (New York), at 8:04 p.m. (California) and 5:04 p.m. (Hawaii).
- On Monday, August 29, the Crescent will set 13 minutes after sunset in San Diego, California and 28 minutes after sunset in Honolulu, Hawaii.
- On Monday, August 29 the Crescent should be visible in Hawaii by binoculars and telescope and in South America by naked eye.
The Shawwal Crescent of Monday, August 29 is acceptable according to Shari’ah for those who recognize the Global sighting as it is also acceptable according to the criteria adopted by the Fiqh Council of North America.
Eidul Fitr is on Tuesday, August 30, 2011. Eid Mubarak and best wishes for a blessed Eid with peace and harmony among all.
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Eid Mubarak to all our faithful readers, first time visitors, brothers and sisters, and friends.
The last year has been a time of growth for me, and for Zawaj.com. Most importantly, I thank God that I am alive to see another sunrise, to see my daughter laugh and learn, to enjoy all the blessings that God has given me, and to have another day to ask God’s forgiveness, pray, work, and think. Another day to strive to be a better Muslim, a better father, and a better human being.
On this day of celebration and commemoration of the sacrifices of Ibrahim, Hajar and Ismail (may Allah be pleased with them all), may Allah ease the hearts of all who are suffering, replace pain with comfort and joy, sickness with health, oppression with liberation, tyranny with freedom, and fill our hearts with the hope and tawakkul (trust in Allah) that is sorely needed by our Ummah.
– Wael Abdelgawad
Ramadan Reflections on Surat al-Fatihah, the Grand Opening
The Holy Quran is a light
By Ismail Kandar for MuslimMatters.org
This year, I am enjoying the benefits of praying Tarawih (night prayers of Ramadan) behind Mufti Ismail Menk and listening to his powerful Tafseer (explanation of the Quran) afterwards. On the opening night, Mufti Menk brought up an issue which always amazes me, the unique method in which the Qur’an begins. This made me reflect on the opening pages of the Qur’an.
Surah Al-Fatiha and the first three pages of Surah Baqarah are an amazing and unique method of starting a book. Perhaps, it is because we recite Surah Fatiha everyday, multiple times, that many of us do not take these verses seriously. Yet, the reason this Surah is emphasized so much is because it is the most important chapter of the Qur’an. It is Faatihatul Kitaab (The opening chapter of the book), Sab’a Mathaani (the seven oft-repeated verses 15:87) and Ummul Kitaab (the essence of the book 13:39). It is the Surah that when recited, Allah replies to each verse. It is the most important du’a that we can make.
The first half of Surah Fatiha is a declaration of Tawheed (Oneness of Allah) in all of its forms: tawheed of Rububiyyah (Lordship) ”All praise to Allah, the Rabb (Lord) of the universe,” (1:1), tawheed of Asma Wa Sifaat (names and attributes) “Most Gracious, Most Merciful, Master of the Day of Judgement,” (1:2-3) and tawheed of Ibaadah (worship), “You alone we worship and you alone we ask for help.” (1:4)
The second half of Surah Fatiha is the most important du’a a person could ever make, “Guide us to the straight path!” (1:5) The Surah then explains what is the staight path and what is not. The straight path is that which was shown to us and followed by those whom Allah has favoured, which Allah explains in another verse, “whoever obeys Allah and His messenger, then they will be with those whom Allah has favoured from the prophets, truthful, matyrs and righteous.” (4:69) This verse refutes the claim by some people that you can find your own way towards Paradise without following the people of the past. True salvation lies in following the Salaf As-Saliheen (The righteous predecessors) and their understanding and practice of the Qur’an.
An old illuminated manuscript of the Quran
Allah then shows us two types of misguidance. The first form of misguidance is to earn Allah’s wrath by knowingly rejecting the truth and the other form is to go astray by choosing to remain ignorant. So we need to realize that choosing to remain ignorant can not excuse us for our sins and deviations, and if we knowingly reject the truth, we will be cursed by Allah. The only option left is to seek the truth and ask Allah to guide us to the straight path.
Answers in Surat Al-Baqarah
Amazingly, the very next Surah begins by answering this du’a for guidance. “This is the book in which there is no doubt! It is a guidance for those who are God-conscious.” (2:2) Three things are interesting about this verse. Firstly, show me one other book which begins by declaring its own perfection. No human author would dare readers from the beginning by making the claim that there is nothing doubtful in his book, this immidiately makes skeptics look for mistakes. The Qur’an, being the perfect word of Allah, begins with this challenge, a unique and powerful starting point.
Allah then explains to us that this Qur’an is the answer to our du’a (prayer) for guidance but the condition is that we approach this Qur’an with Taqwa (God-consciousness). This is why not everyone benefits from reciting the Qur’an. Allah warns us on the next page to not be from those who only recite ritually or with an evil intention as “it is the same whether you warn them or not, they will never believe.” (2:6) This verse is aimed primarily to those who choose to reject Islam, but like all verses we need to apply it to ourselves and make sure we do not possess any of the qualities that Allah dislikes.
The first three pages of Surah Baqarah describe three types of people in terms of belief and relationship with Allah. Allah goes into detail describing those who have Taqwa and attain success, then briefly mentions those who choose to disbelieve, and finally He mentions in even more detail, the hypocrites. It is for us to study these verses and put into the practice the qualities of the successful while being careful to guard ourselves from possessing the qualities of the disbelievers or hypocrites.
After all of this, Allah mentions the first commandment in the Qur’an, the most important commandment and the benefit of obeying it. Allah says, “O mankind, worship your Lord who created you and those before you so that you may attain Taqwa.” (2:21) The first and most important commandment is to uphold Tawheed by worshipping Allah alone as it is through this that we can attain Taqwa and through Taqwa that we can attain guidance from the Qur’an.
I ask Allah to grant all of us Imaan (faith), Taqwa and a deeper understanding of the Qur’an. Ameen.
Thomas Jefferson’s Ramadan Iftar
Thomas Jefferson's Quran
Did you know that the first ever Ramadan iftar at the White House was held over 200 years ago by President Thomas Jefferson?
“Ramadan,” said President Obama at a White House iftar dinner in 2010, “is a reminder that Islam has always been a part of America. The first Muslim ambassador to the United States, from Tunisia, was hosted by President Jefferson, who arranged a sunset dinner for his guest because it was Ramadan — making it the first known iftar at the White House, more than 200 years ago.”
The dinner to which the president referred took place on December 9, 1805, and Jefferson’s guest was Sidi Soliman Mellimelli, an envoy from the bey (chieftain) of Tunis who spent six months in Washington. The context of Mellimelli’s visit to the United States was a tense dispute over piracy on American merchant vessels by the Barbary states and the capture of Tunisian vessels trying to run an American blockade of Tripoli.
Mellimelli arrived during Ramadan, and Jefferson, when he invited the envoy to the president’s house, changed the meal time from the usual hour of 3:30 p.m. to “precisely at sunset” in deference to the man’s religious obligation.
Jefferson’s knowledge of Islam likely came from his legal studies of natural law. In 1765, Jefferson purchased a two-volume English translation of the Quran for his personal library, a collection that became, in 1815, the basis of the modern Library of Congress.
(This is a product of the Bureau of International Information Programs, U.S. Department of State. Web site: http://iipdigital.usembassy.gov/iipdigital-en/index.html)
25 Beautiful Ramadan Photos 2011
Muslims break their fast at the Jama Masjid mosque in New Delhi, India on Aug. 2.
Enjoy these lovely images of Muslims fasting, praying, reading Quran, and breaking their fast in this month of Ramadan.
Ramadan is a lunar month, so it is either 29 or 30 days long. It is a time of sacrifice, purification, prayer, and devotion to God.
Over a billion Muslims worldwide participate in the Ramadan fast.
My own daughter Salma is five years old, so she’s a little too young to fast. But she really wants to try, so I’m letting her fast two hours in the morning, except on school days 🙂
– Wael, Zawaj.com Editor
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- My daughter Salma is not quite ready to fast, but still enjoys an iftar meal. – Wael, Zawaj.com Editor
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- A roadside vendor sells fruit on the eve of the first day of Ramadan at a market in Srinagar, Kashmir on Aug. 1.
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- Riot police stand guard in Tahrir Square during Ramadan after military police forcibly removed demonstrators who refused to leave the area in Cairo, on July 2. Most of those gathered in the square had suspended their protest in anticipation of Ramadan.
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- A woman reads a copy of the Quran on the first night of Ramadan in Jakarta on July 31.
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- Palestinians shop for food ahead of Ramadan at Al-Zawiya market in Gaza City on July 30.
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- A Palestinian man reads the Quran at the al-Omari Mosque in Gaza City on Aug. 1.
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- Palestinian boys read the Quran at the al-Omari mosque in Gaza City on Aug. 1.
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- A Pakistani boy arranges food for Muslims to break their fast in Karachi on Aug. 1.
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- A Libyan family breaks their fast in a tent in Benghazi on Aug. 1.
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- A Kashmiri Muslim takes a nap at the Jamia Masjid (central mosque) in Srinagar on Aug. 2.
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- An Indonesian woman prays at the Istiqlal Mosque in Jakarta on Aug 1.
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- Indonesian Muslim women pray on the first night of Ramadan on July 31 in Jakarta.
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- Muslim Indonesians pray on the first night of Ramadan on July 31 in Jakarta.
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- Indian Muslims offer prayers before breaking their fast at Mecca Masjid in Hyderabad, on Aug. 2.
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- Muslims break their fast at the Jama Masjid mosque in New Delhi, India on Aug. 2.
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- Men, women, and children observing Ramadan break their first day of fasting on a bridge in downtown Istanbul, Turkey on Aug. 1.
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- Men distribute food after the first day of Ramadan fasting at a mosque in Karachi, Pakistan, on Aug. 2.
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- Pakistani Muslims pray at the Dervesh Mosque in Peshawar on Aug. 1.
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- Muslims break their fast on the first day of Ramadan in Lahore, Pakistan, on Aug. 2.
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- A baker makes traditional food for Ramadan at a shop in Karachi, Pakistan, on Aug. 1.
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- A Tunisian store keeper displays his dates on the first day of the Muslim holy fasting month of Ramadan at a central market in Tunis.
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- A factory worker prepares thin vermicelli – known as Seviiyan – for the Islamic holy month of Ramadan in the Indian city of Hyderabad.
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- Nepalese Muslims praying in Katmandu during Ramadan
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- Libyan men praying in Benghazi on the first day of Ramadan 2011.
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- The city of Hama, Syria is under siege by the government as Ramadan begins.
Ramadan Dishes Bring Relief – Nutritious and Light Ramadan Meals
At Boston Kebab House, chef-owner Osman Kiranoglu, who grew up in Turkey making yogurt, cuts cucumbers to mix into cacik, a versatile dish during Ramadan. (Aram Boghosian for The Boston Globe)
The Boston Globe, August 3, 2011
Omar Sacirbey, Globe Correspondent
Relief for a hot month of Ramadan
Dishes reward both memory, faithfulness
As the son of a goat, sheep, and cow herder in the tiny northeastern Turkish village of Rize (REE-za), Osman Kiranoglu grew up making and eating lots of yogurt. Today, Kiranoglu parlays his fluency in yogurt as the chef-owner of the Boston Kebab House in Liberty Square.
Kiranoglu counts on his experience again during the Islamic holy month of Ramadan, which began Monday, when observant Muslims abstain from food and drink from dawn to dusk to remember the hardships of the poor. “This year, it’s going to be very difficult,’’ Kiranoglu says. “Long days. Hot.’’ For religious holidays, Muslims follow a lunar calendar, whose year is about 10 days shorter than the solar-based Gregorian calendar. This means that the first day of Ramadan always falls about 10 days earlier than the previous year. For example, Ramadan is likely to start around July 21 next year, and July 11 the year after, and so on.
It takes about 35 years for Ramadan to travel through the solar calendar, so it will be a good seven or eight years before it leaves summer for the shorter, milder days of spring.
Cacik: the perfect summer dish
Until then, Boston-area Muslims have a bevy of dishes for either suhur, an early morning breakfast that precedes the fast, or iftar, the meal after the fast, with which to sustain them during this fasting month. Kiranoglu’s go-to summer recipe is cacik, a combination of yogurt, cucumbers, fresh dill, and mint, which can be served thin for a soup, or thick for a tangy bread dip. “If you go to any house in Turkey, they give you this,’’ says Kiranoglu, who learned the recipe watching his mother in the kitchen and, as the oldest of six children, knew how to make cacik by the time he was 9 or 10.
Cacik has several advantages during a hot summer Ramadan. It is fast, easy, and doesn’t require an oven or stove, and the yogurt helps rehydrate the body after a long day without fluids. It is also deliciously refreshing, as soup and dip, led by the saltiness of the yogurt, followed by the tanginess of the dill, finished with the sweetness of the mint.
Chickpea and roasted red pepper salad: nutritious but light
Ahmad Yasin, owner of Yasin Culinary, a catering company and cooking class studio in Watertown that specialize in Arabic cooking, also has fond memories of Ramadan in northern Syria, where he grew up. “The most beautiful time of the day is when everyone is rushing home after work, before iftar, to be with the family and prepare the food,’’ says Yasin.
Among the dishes he learned to prepare, and one of his favorites, is chickpea and roasted red pepper salad, with chili pepper, black or green olives, thyme, and parsley. It’s a tasty dish packed with protein and vitamins that recharge the body, but light enough for Muslims to respect the dietary advice of the Prophet Muhammad, says Yasin. “You shouldn’t eat until you’re hungry, and you shouldn’t overindulge, so you can work and pray.’’
Another prophetic tradition with nutritional value, Muslims say, is always breaking the fast with dates, which are high in sugar. The theory is that hunger is caused not by an empty stomach, but low blood sugar. A few dates can quickly quell hunger, and prevent overeating after fasting. Typically, after a few dates to break their fasts, Muslims perform evening prayers, which take just a few minutes, before starting their meals.
Khushaf – sweet and refreshing
Sugar’s knack for mollifying hunger is also behind the popularity of khushaf, a mixture of dried fruits and nuts soaked in water until it becomes syrupy, consumed after the dates but before prayers. “It’s sweet and refreshing,’’ says Sana Fadel of Newton, who remembers the dish from childhood visits to relatives in Egypt, where the weather was “super-hot.’’
Qamar Ad-Deen: popular in Egypt
Dishes prepared from qamar id-deen, an apricot paste, also figure prominently during Egyptian Ramadans, Fadel says. Among the most popular are apricot drink, which frequently accompanies dates and khushaf, and apricot pudding as dessert.
This Ramadan, Fadel hopes to introduce khushaf to her two sons, who are too young to fast but old enough to enjoy a family tradition.
Omar Sacirbey can be reached at [email protected].
Ramadan 2011 Photos – Muslims Getting Ready
Muslim women having Ramadan iftar in Italy, 2008.
Ramadan has already started, but even before Ramadan began, Muslims all over the world were getting ready in many ways. Here are some photos of Muslims preparing for Ramadan in 2011 (and there’s one photo from 2008 as well – I came across it and found it interesting):
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- Muslim women having Ramadan iftar in Italy, 2008.
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- Ramadan food being prepared in Istanbul, Turkey
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- A Jordanian street vendor seen with Ramadan decorations, neon lights of crescents and stars that represent the season of Ramadan, which begins in August, in Amman, Jordan, Monday, July 18, 2011. Ramadan, the holiest month in the Islamic calendar, is celebrated as the period when the Quran, the Muslim holy book, was revealed to the Prophet Muhammad about 1,400 years ago. (AP Photo/Mohammad Hannon)
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- An Egyptian female street vendor grills corncobs on a street in Cairo, Egypt Wednesday, July 20, 2011. Egyptians are shopping in the streets of Cairo in preparation for the upcoming Muslim holy month of Ramadan beginning early August this year. (AP Photo/Nasser Nasser)
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- An Egyptian vendor displays clothes for sale at a street in Cairo, Egypt Wednesday, July 20, 2011. Egyptians are shopping in the streets of Cairo in preparation for the upcoming Muslim holy month of Ramadan beginning early August this year. (AP Photo/Nasser Nasser)
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- Egyptian protesters decorate Ramadan traditional lantern arround their tents at Tahrir Square, the focal point of the Egyptian uprising, in Cairo, Egypt, Tuesday, July 19, 2011 in preparation for the upcoming Muslims holy month of Ramadan beginning early August. Protesters have camped out in Tahrir for nearly two weeks demanding an overhaul of government. (AP Photo/Amr Nabil)
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- An Egyptian man rides a cart among vehicles on a street in Cairo, Egypt Wednesday, July 20, 2011.
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- An Egyptian man shops for a traditional lantern at a shop in Cairo, Egypt Monday, July 18, 2011. Egyptians shop for lanterns in preparation for the upcoming Muslims holy month of Ramadan beginning early August this year, to decorate their houses, shops and streets giving Egypt colorful and distinguished Ramadan nights among the Islamic world. (AP Photo/Nasser Nasser)
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- An Egyptian man carrying a child passes by traditional lanterns on display for sale at a street in Cairo, Egypt Monday, July 18, 2011. These lanterns come in all sizes, shapes and colors.
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- An Egyptian man leaves carrying traditional lanterns that he bought from a shop in Cairo, Egypt Monday, July 18, 2011. Egyptians shop for lanterns in preparation for the upcoming Muslims holy month of Ramadan beginning early August this year, to decorate their houses, shops and streets giving Egypt colorful and distinguished Ramadan nights among the Islamic world. (AP Photo/Nasser Nasser)
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- Two Egyptian vendors sit in a shop with traditional lanterns on display for sale on a street in Cairo, Egypt Wednesday, July 20, 2011.
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- A worker at Amman Municipality Slaughterhouse supervises the preparations for cleaning and packing chicken in Amman, Jordan Wednesday, July 20, 2011.
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- A worker at Amman Municipality Slaughterhouse slaughters chickens in the preparations for cleaning and packing, in Amman, Jordan Wednesday, July 20, 2011. The Amman Municipality Slaughterhouse started increasing their production of red meat and chickens to respond to the high demand for meat in the Muslim holy month of Ramadan.
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- A worker at Amman Municipality Slaughterhouse removes the skin from beef in preparation to be shipped to the local market, in Amman, Jordan Wednesday, July 20, 2011. The Amman Municipality Slaughterhouse started increasing their production of red meat and chickens to respond to the high demand for meat in the Muslim holy month of Ramadan.
Ramadan Announcement 2011 / 1432 AH
Ramadan Mubarak!
If you’re looking for the 2011 Eid Announcement, see: ISNA Eid Announcement 2011
Ramadan Announcement by the Islamic Society of North America (ISNA):
First day of Ramadan will be Monday, August 1, 2011
and Eid ul-Fitr on Tuesday, August 30, 2011, insha’Allah.
“O you who believe, fasting is prescribed to you as it was prescribed to those before you, that you may (learn) self-restraint.” Qur’an 2:183
The Fiqh Council of North America (FCNA) and the European Council for Fatwa and Research (ECFR) recognize astronomical calculation as an acceptable Shar’ia method for determining the beginning of lunar months including the months of Ramadan and Shawwal. The FCNA & ECFR use Makkah al-Mukarramah as a conventional point, and take the position that the conjunction must take place before sunset in Makkah and the moon must set after sunset in Makkah.
On the basis of this method the dates of Ramadan and Eid ul-Fitr for the year 1431 AH are established as follows:
1st of Ramadan will be on Monday, August 1, 2011
1st of Shawwal, which marks the start of Eid ul-Fitr, will be on Tuesday, August 30, 2011.
Ramadan 1432 AH:
The Astronomical New Moon is on July 30, 2011 (Saturday) at 18:40 Universal Time (9:40 pm Makkah time). Sunset at Makkah on July 30 is at 7:01 pm local time, while moonset at Makkah is 6:41pm local time (20 minute before sunset). Therefore the following day Sunday, July 31, 2011 is not the 1st day of Ramadan. First day of Ramadan is Monday, August 1, insha’Allah. First Tarawih prayer will be on Sunday night.
Eid ul-Fitr 1432 AH:
The Astronomical New Moon is on August 29, 2011 (Monday) at 3:04 Universal Time (6:04 am Makkah time). On Monday, August 29, sunset at Makkah is 6:40 p.m. local time, while moonset is at 6:44 pm local time. Therefore, first day of Shawwal, i.e., Eid ul-Fitr is Tuesday, August 30, insha’Allah.
May Allah (swt) keep us on the right path, and accept our fasting and prayers. Ameen. For more detailed information, please visit: www.fiqhcouncil.org or www.moonsighting.com
Sincerely,
Dr. Muzammil Siddiqi
Chairman of the Fiqh Council of North America
Top 5 Complaints of Wives and What to Do About Them
Top 5 Complaints of Wives and What to Do About Them
By Haleh Banani, M.A. Clinical Psychology
Reprinted from MuslimMatters.org
Coming soon: Win His Heart: A Psychological Approach for WOMEN
Every man dreams of having a woman who can please him on many different levels. One that fulfills his desires, stimulates him intellectually and soars with him to new spiritual heights. A unique woman that will not only be a source of comfort, but also a source of strength.
It is very easy to dream and have expectations of your spouse but what do YOU have to do in order to attract a woman with these qualities and keep her giving at that level?
Generally, men are quite puzzled by women. They are not sure what to do or say to please the women in their lives. Whatever they do seems to get them in trouble. Since most men have this confusion, they simply stop trying.
This lack of effort from men creates frustration and discontentment. Most women feel extremely dissatisfied in their marriages. Within my practice as a marriage therapist, I have heard from dozens of women who have a long list of complaints about their husbands. These complaints lead to deep rooted unhappiness and many times divorce.
Top 5 complaints of women about their husbands
- Communication
- Financial issues
- Sex
- Lack of compassion
- Too strict/too jealous
Almost every couple I have ever done marriage counseling with has complained about problems in communication. Most of the time women complain that their husband does not share his feelings, he shuts off, he doesn’t listen and he doesn’t know how to ask for what he wants in a diplomatic way.
Lack of communication or miscommunication is the bulk of the problem in most marriages. If people don’t know how to get their message across, how to listen or how to resolve conflicts they will face perpetual problems in their lives. Here are some suggestions in effective communication skills:
- Make I statements…. never start the sentence with YOU. Say: “I feel neglected when you don’t prepare dinner” rather than saying, “You never prepare dinner.”
- Always keep your voice down and refrain from name calling.
- Seek first to understand then to be understood. Tough one, but very effective!
- Share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse to make her feel a part of your world. Don’t shut her out or else she will feel extremely insecure and suspicious.
- Don’t give one word answers – try to elaborate and fulfill her need to know. She shows you she cares by asking many questions.
- Listen attentively – that means no checking emails while she talks and no watching T.V. Simply look in her eyes, listen and acknowledge her. Women loved to be looked at!
- Give your wife compliments on everything you like about her – she needs constant reassurance on her beauty, on your love for her, on her cooking. Say it again and again with a smile. It will never get old!
- Validate her feelings – say things to make her feel understood. Tell her you understand that she is sad, that she has a right to feel hurt or neglected. The worst thing you could ever do is tell a woman she is wrong to feel a certain way.
- Ask for things with gentleness and kindness without being harsh or demanding. If a woman feels like she is being told what to do and how to do it – she will resist. If she is asked kindly and made to feel special she will rush to do it to in order to fulfill her need to please others.
- Never compare her to anyone to get her to change. This is detrimental to the relationship, brings about hostility and a feeling of inadequacy. If you want her to improve in any given area compliment what she is already doing right.
Avoid getting into debt.
Financial Issues
Each person is brought up with different views and experiences with money. Some are brought up in affluent families that spend frivolously while others come from more modest backgrounds that are trained to save. When individuals with such striking differences unite there is bound to be tension and arguments. That is why money is one of the biggest reasons people fight and even get a divorce. Here are some suggestions for peacefully dealing with money issues.
- Learn about each other’s view of money. Become acquainted with their experience with money in order to better understand each other.
- Discuss openly issues or concerns you have about your financial situations.
- Avoid getting into debt at all cost. If you can’t afford it – just don’t buy it. Simple as that.
- Set a budget together and try your best to stick to it. If you slip, and go over the budget, quickly get back on track.
- Increase your knowledge about resolving financial problems by reading books, attending seminars or listening to CDs.
- Be honest and never hide or deceive your partner about financial issues because it could really damage the trust.
- Try to compromise and come up with a win/win solution when you disagree.
- Agree to disagree.
- Consider the pros and cons of having a two house income or even having a part time job that can help alleviate the financial burden.
- Save….Save….Save! You never know what the future holds so always be prepared.
Sex
The area of a couple’s life which offers the most potential for embarrassment, hurt, and rejection is sex. The majority of couples I have done therapy with have had issues in this area of their life. It is such an essential part of the marriage and yet very few couples ever talk about it. The goal of sex is to be closer, to have more fun, to feel satisfied, and to feel valued and accepted in this very tender area of your marriage. “Your wives are a tilth unto you; so go to your tilth when or how you will.” [Qur’an 2:223] Here are some suggestions to having a more satisfying sex life.
- Fulfill your wife emotionally so that she can be receptive to you. Women shut off sexually if they don’t feel loved, appreciated or desired.
- Set the mood…light candles, make dinner, give a massage, get flowers or anything that makes her feel special and loved.
- Prolong foreplay. Make sure she is ready.
- Take your time and don’t rush her.
- Share your likes and dislikes in a gentle, positive way making her feel safe. Instead of saying you never do such and such say: I loved it when you…..or I would love it if you would….
- Never criticize or make fun when getting intimate.
- Always accentuate the positive – make your suggestions in a way that you are making a good thing even better. Even if you are dissatisfied don’t let her feel it.
- When receiving your partner’s request, try not to see it as criticism. Have the attitude of a professional chef that is not insulted if a customer doesn’t crave a particular meal, but makes accommodations that will satisfy the customer’s palate.
- Make her feel attractive and desired. The more you give her compliments, the more confident she will feel which will help her to relax and enjoy.
- Make sure you try to fulfill her first in order to create a strong, positive association to intimacy.
Lack of Compassion
Men have different ways of expressing their feelings and emotions. Some express their love and concern for the family by simply working hard and providing the very best. They feel that the time they spend at work is an emotional deposit because they are putting so much effort so that their family can be comfortable. Unfortunately, this form of expression of love is generally not sufficient for most women. Women expect the men in their lives to connect with them on an emotional level, provide support and have fun together. “The best of you are those who are the best to their wives.” (at-Tirmidhi)
Here are some suggestions in showing compassion so that you can connect with your wife on an emotional level.
- Tell your wife you love her daily – don’t make it just a once a year event.
- Never enter or leave the house without a proper greeting. Let her feel that you are happy to see her and that you will miss her when you leave.
- Make daily deposits in your emotional bank account with your wife by being understanding, forgiving, cooperative and by using words of endearment.
- Call your wife or send sweet messages during the day. “…And live with them in kindness…” (Nisaa 4:19)
- Eat at least one meal a day together and spend time sharing what you have done.
- Give lots of compliments.
- If she is feeling sad or angry, show her love and compassion by hugging her. If she says she doesn’t want to talk about it, she doesn’t mean it… you just have to insist sweetly.
- Learn to apologize. Even if you were not wrong apologize for making her feel bad. Win her heart not the argument! Amazing what two little words (I’m sorry) can do.
- Get her gifts and flowers so she feels that you thought of her. It doesn’t have to be something expensive – just a gesture that you were thinking of her. “And do good. Truly, Allah loves the good-doers.” (Baqara 2:195)
- Be supportive and helpful with the kids. Offer to take care of the kids while she does something (anything) for herself. If she has the chance to recharge she will be a much better wife and a nicer mom!
Too Strict or Too Jealous
It is understandable that a man feels responsible for his wife and wants to make sure that she does not exceed beyond the boundaries that Allah has established. “Everyone of you is a guardian and responsible for those in his charge; the man, in his home, is a guardian and responsible for his household.” (Bukhari and Muslim). It takes diplomacy and gentleness to set guidelines without coming across as too strict and unreasonable. It is always a little flattering when a husband becomes jealous, but when it becomes excessive it is unhealthy and a source of stress for women. There needs to be mutual trust and respect in order to live in harmony and peace. Here are some suggestions for maintaining boundaries without being too strict or too jealous.
- Be a spouse to your wife not a father. Don’t treat her like a little girl with a long list of rules. If you treat her like a child she will act like one.
- Give her space to make decisions – if you hold her too tight she will feel suffocated.
- Respect her and treat her like a partner not an employee.
- Trust her – don’t interrogate her for every little thing. Gently ask questions.
- Be reasonable in setting boundaries – if you are too strict she will either resent you or not abide by them when you are not around.
- Don’t assume anything – check your assumptions and verify before accusing her of anything.
- Be kind and understanding so that your wife will happily try to please you. Don’t be a harsh dictator that needs to be overthrown.
- If she dresses or acts inappropriately just talk to her, educate her and help her to understand. Make her feel that you are concerned about her. Never be forceful.
- Try to make excuses when she falls short.
- Be playful with your spouse if you feel some jealousy. Make her feel how much you are attracted to her, how appealing she is to you that you simply don’t want to share her. This will flatter her and make it more likely that she will be more careful.
When you become more sensitive to the needs of your wife and you put effort in supporting her and connecting with her you will reap the rewards of having a more content wife. A happier wife means a happier home which means more peace and tranquility for you. By becoming more aware of these common complaints and implementing the suggestions you will definitely score big with the woman in your life!
Muslim Dating: The Reality of our Ummah and Some Solutions – Part 2
Muslim teenagers in Java, Indonesia
ORGANICA is the personal blog of an Egyptian-American Muslim sister who calls herself, “A crazy Egyptian Muslim American girl with too many labels to count” The post below is one of her most popular and most commented-on.
Muslim Dating: The Reality of our Ummah and Some Solutions – Part 2
When parents eventually learn about their child’s alternate reality their reaction is of one of two: 1) Overreact the situation, curse and damn child to hell, take away worldly possessions such as a phone while spitting out every Quranic verse to guilt the child to stop; 2) Deny the situation entirely and never address it. Astonishingly, the latter occurs at a much higher frequency.
I’ve seen parents bow in prayer begging God to help and guide their child. Unfortunately, that is usually the extent of their effort. Waking up an hour early to pray in the wee hours of the morning isn’t the solution. God doesn’t help people who don’t help themselves first.
Acceptance of Gender Mixing:
Humans need to socialize and interact with one another. It’s part of life. Contrary to most Islamic Scholar’s interpretation of Islamic teachings, I believe that healthy interactions among the genders is needed to build self-esteem and healthy choices in life. I sometimes wonder why scholars emphasize the importance of community values among Muslims (Jummah, Eid, visiting the sick, keeping relations with kin), yet spend most of their time speaking of the evilness of mixing with the opposite gender and the horrors that come about.
I believe that God has commanded us to be social beings. There are no exclusions. The forms of these contacts are different in nature. Some are more intimate than others but with every relation one could discern the proper form of interaction.
Many Muslim children are raised on the notion that mixing with the opposite gender is haraam. Recently I visited friends during a dinner party. The children were separated by gender and were asked to not interact. I heard a mother tell her daughter “Good little girls don’t play with boys.” Of course, Muslim parents aren’t concerned about today’s innocent playdate but the future is what’s on their mind. They believe if they allow their six-year old daughter to play with a little boy now, ten years later she will still want to play, but maybe more of a mature type play?
The mistake occurs the first time parents restrict interaction. Boys and girls grow up curious about the opposite gender thanks to the limited interaction they were allowed as children. However, the same standards aren’t into play when it comes to school, especially when they are in a public school setting. The child learns to discriminate: when he/she is at school, they are free to interact as they please, but once in the presence of a parent or a Muslim member of their community, they learn to avoid contact with the opposite gender. From here the dual-lifestyle is commenced.
When the child approaches their parent to discuss their social life at school or ask to invite a male classmate to their birthday party, they are quickly reprimanded and reminded that ‘this is not our way’ (i.e. the Muslim/Arab/Asian, etc way). Soon after the child learns that certain topics aren’t safe to discuss with one’s parent, so they turn to friends to seek advice or confide their secrets. The friends cheer on the alternate life the child creates, and as a result the parent and other community members remain in the dark.
The solution:
- Allow children to freely interact with the opposite gender in academic and social settings.
- Teach children of both genders to work together on community service projects (brainstorm, plan, lead, etc).
- Equip children with the interpersonal skills (how to socialize with one another, etc)
- Teach children proper etiquette across settings
- Encourage and reward honest and thoughtful dialogue
- Set fair rules, be consistent, open to criticism, and follow-through when rules are broken
- Model Godly behavior
- Provide a safe environment free of hostility and disrespect.
Preparing Children to be Responsible Adults with Mature Goals in Life:
A group of Muslim girls getting ready to start bowling in San Francisco, 2009
When I asked a Muslim teenage friend of mine why she wanted a boyfriend, her response was honest, “I want a boyfriend to buy me expensive things and take me places.” Growing up as a teen in the Middle East, many of my friends sought boyfriends for the same reasons, although most wanted the relationship to end in marriage (and 99% of them never did). If I ever fancied to take on a boyfriend at the tender age of 15, my reasons would have probably been to fill the empty void in my life and the loneliness I felt.
When you ask Muslim teens today what their goals in life are, their thoughts of the world or what commitment means, they will be at loss for words. Of course this is not a Muslim phenomenon but a universal one. As Muslims though we believe that God has sent us guidance that would solve all our worldly problems and yet we aren’t even close to solving the Muslim youth crises. One must wonder why?
Our youth complain that religious folk don’t get them. They are there to throw rules and judge them at every given moment. The rules state clearly: gender mixing of any kind is haraam; liking, loving or dating someone is haraam; any emotions towards the opposite gender is haraam; being curious is haraam; speaking about your emotions and desires to your parents is haraam and disappointing to your parents; talking OPENLY about sex is haraam; talking about what happens at school is haraam; being honest about your needs is haraam and shameful; if you are alone with the opposite gender–even in pubic–thats haraam; if you want to have a friend of the opposite gender, it’s haraam.
The massive language and generational barrier has resulted in the mess we call today “dual-identity of the Muslim youth.”
Parents remind their children that all the above rules can be broken when married. So one must wait and be patient until then. Ironically, the parents do NOTHING to prepare these children for marriage, and at the same time when the child is ready to be married off they make it so difficult that marriage is almost a struggle (that’s for another topic). And the cycle continues…
Solution:
- Parents must accept that their children at whatever age will naturally seek a partner. This is nature at play.
- Parents should be approachable so child can consult with them when needed (without fear).
- Parents must work hard to raise mature children. The dilemma in today’s ummah is that our children are babied forever. Let’s face it, in Western communities Muslims are among the wealthiest and most educated. They seek the same for their children so they baby them. The child learns no type of responsibility growing up. I’ve met countless young Muslims who’ve never held a real job. My question is why? Everyone has bills, even at 15!
- Involving the child in community service, work, house chores and in decision making will expose the child to more experience, thus maturity. This should be part of the family’s culture.
- Teaching children to relieve their natural feelings through acceptable means: marriage.
- Parents should teach their child that marriage is the only way to have a wholesome relationship with someone.
- Liking someone is acceptable; however, the ultimate form of the relationship should be marriage (or what leads to it), nothing else. Our problem today, children are scared of marriage. We should prepare our boys and girls to be the husbands and wives of the future. Marriage isn’t scary, it could be a beautiful thing when two healthy individuals are involved.
So Do Muslims Date?
My answer is yes and no.
When my non-Muslim friends ask me this question, I am often stumped. In mainstream American culture dating doesn’t always lead to marriage or start off with that intent. Of course, ultimately, any couple wishes their relationship evolves to that stage, but it’s not necessary for the relationship to continue.
In my opinion, the ‘getting to know someone’ part could be given the term dating or courtship. A person gets to know another person with the initial intent made clear: marriage.
I am often surprised at my Muslim friends who date with no intent of marriage. Why would they invest so much energy, time and emotion on someone they don’t have any intention to remain with?
When we equip our Muslim youth with balanced childhood where friends are of both genders, awkwardness is absent because gender relations can take many forms like friendship (not only sex as many Islamic scholars like to emphasize). Finally: honesty, respect and Godliness are integral parts of the value system of a healthy Muslim child. I believe with all in place our youth will see the beauty in Islamic values that past generations have unintentionally destroyed in the Name of God. Amen!
Dating in Islam Begins With Marriage
Muslim couple in Kerala, India
By Jennifer (Sumayah) Fayed of Intuitive Muslimah
I listened to a great lecture last night that was entitled “Islam & Dating” now before you jump the gun…It wasn’t about Muslims dating out of wedlock, but the contrary how once we are married how imperative it is to continue dating your husband or wife.
Although it was about a thirty minute lecture it had a strong message. I thought to myself, Abdul Malik (the lecturer) is really on to something and is touching on an important issue that most of us who are married seem to forget so easily.
Of course, there are those newlywed moments of, “I love you so much honey that I would live anywhere with you…even under a bridge”.
Or the husband saying, “Sweetheart buy whatever you like in the store price isn’t an object” or him bringing flowers everytime he comes home.
But something happens: reality sets in! The kids come, the bills pile up, everyone is tired, and soon enough you realize that the couple that showed so much attention and considertation to one another in the beginning now don’t even face each other while they sleep.
Does this sound familiar to anyone?
Ok, so whats the solution?
The solution is easy. We have to remember to rekindle the flames that started the marriage in the first place. How, you ask? Ok, let’s face it most of us don’t have that money tree growing in the yard anymore. If anything, it has dried up like a prune and hasn’t bloomed a leaf of money since you last recall. There are however other ways. How about that quality time that both of you spent together just talking about things other than the kids, bills, work, and family. Focus on each other.
Being a wife doesn’t only consist of feeding the husband, cleaning the house, and attending to the children. It’s more than that… let’s remember Khadijah the Prophet’s (pbuh) first wife, she was his companion. She gave him reassurance when he most needed it, showed him compassion, shared her opinions, and supported him. Some of us have been taught that a wife is one who makes lavish dishes for her husband, who dresses up to appeal to him, and has her home organized. I’m not saying these things arent’ important. What I am saying is that a marriage and being a companion is more than superficial beauty and enticing of the flesh. Now, I’m sure the husbands who read this are probably like “Oh yea she’s right on!!!” LOL….guys you aren’t off the hook.
As husbands, you have to remember that marriage isn’t just being the maintainer and provider of the the woman and the family. It also goes deeper than that. Women are complex creatures just like men are and we also need attention, affection, and this doesn’t just mean what happens inside the bed sheets. Let’s get real here, wives need you to be more involved in the home, and that one-on-one conversation. Instead of watching the playoffs, turn off the tube and sit with your wife and talk about how she is feeling and indulge in some beneficial convos… Read some qur’an together, discuss hadiths, rekindle what sparked that flame when you first met her. You didn’t just marry her because of her beauty (at least I hope not). You married because you wanted a life partner. As women, we are auditory creatures mostly who need to hear things to know we are appreciated and loved. So dear brother, remember that when spending time with your wife.
Dating in Islam begins with marriage. We have to show one another value, love, and respect. And we do this with one-on-one communication, becoming best friends, and remembering how to keep those ardent flames from extinguishing.
In Abdul Malik’s lecture he said something that stood out for me and that was ” Men are creatures of sight, and women are creatures of sound”.
When both men and woman form the bond of marriage they have major responsibilities to each other and to Allah. Marriage is full of hardships but is also very beautiful. We were created to be companions in this life and inshallah the hereafter.
To the husbands, realize that your wife is a delicate being that needs physical, and emotional interaction. We need to hear that you love us and if possible follow those words with a kind gesture. And to the wives (me included) let us remember that yes, the way to a man’s heart is to his stomach (at times), however we also need to learn patience, contentment, and encourage the husband in all the good he does for us and the family.
Marriage brings a mountain of responsiblities but with hardwork, dedication, optimism, communication, and mercy for one another; this rope that will develop strong knots along the way will bring endless bounties of blessings to us and to the ummah God willing.
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Dating in Islam Begins With Marriage
