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Asalam walakume wa rahamatullahi wa barakatu to you all,
May Allah bless you all his peace and mercy in both worlds. May you Muslims be gentle with me in your response and may I find you willing to help and not insult or hurt me because I already have enough pain.I have so much to say I dont know where to begin.
I was born in the USA as a muslim, although my family did not really practice religion . My father drank, ate pork, HATED prayer and said it means nothing...abused my mother and I and was a monster. He beat me so hard I had to go to the hospital once. My mother, an upright women, divorced him. I was 7 years old. I grew up very nicely with my mother, went to school as usual..but something happened
I on my own, picked up the Koran in English at a young age (9)and begin reading...I found faith by myself...And i learned how to pray, make wudu, and learn somethings of our religion I never knew all on my own. . I was very happy I found faith...and as time went on I learned how to properly pray and how to make sincere dua to Allah (swt) and grow in faith.
But...I always felt an attraction to boys...to hug boys,kiss them (Allah forgive me)...but i didn't think to much of it. Then at age 11 i started discovered gay pornography which later made me start talking to guys which has now ruined my life.
I sometimes think back when i was very young..like 3 or 4..i remember a large man, in the dark, touching me and kissing my lips on a couch at my babysitters house..Im not sure if it really happened but I feel like it did. I remember another time He preformed oral on me . It really messed me up.
Maybe it was this that made me attracted to men?I'm not sure. My mother discovered my boyfriend's when she picked up my cell phone and was furious. She sent me to the mosque to make me better because I have no Muslim friends and she thought I could find good company. I went all alone , but still determined to express my faith , listen to the khutba and be among good people. One day I sat in the mosque when this man, about 26, I was 13 at the time approached me and told me how sad I looked and how he could help me. I was so desperate for a Muslim friend , I talked with him and later he asked me to get in his car and I refused... Later i saw him again and confessed I was homosexual...He grinned started asking what positions I liked, trying to touch me and was trying to get me in his car to take me to his house..I was still 13 and felt he was trying to have sex with me.I refused to go with him and now avoid the mosque in fear of seeing him, telling others how I am. Now, I have no Muslim friends...I seek good company but I find it so hard to find. My only friends are other gay boys that dont like me because I dont go party with them. And I cannot go to the mosque because I fear humiliation. I was a god child, I sought Allah, I prayed 5 times a day as a child and even as a teenager. I stayed up long nights reading Koran , making Dikr..I am not a faithless or unaware person. I know I need to change, I am very lost and confused and find myself doing bad things, talking to bad people. I want to be a good Muslim, a good person whom Allah, my Lord and your Lord, may love and embrace His mercy on me.
I am 18 , very behind on school(but getting better), very depressed over my homosexuality and lonliness because I cannot find good people to keep company with and I cannot keep the bad people because I cant do what they want me to. I have never had sex with a guy no matter how badly we both wanted. I have never drunk or done drugs or go to parties even ...But I have had boyfriends and I always ended relationships becuase I was reminded of losing my chance for Allah's mercy . So I stop that, but continue watching pornography.I know it is bad , but I am trying to stop. I also had thoughts of suicide but never follow through because I did not want a fast-pass to hell...I did end up in a crisis center , were teens go because they are suicidal...I was sent there because a girl asked what was wrong at school, and having been depressed and sad, I exploded telling her how I hated life because Im gay no matter how hard I try not too..so I went to the crisis center where I stayed for 24hours , although I was not doing anything to kill myself. I would be so depressed on occasion I wouldnt smile for days.
I would cry a lot when others were not looking. Sometimes I would keep crying until I felt better. My mother just yelled at me and said to be a man, toughen up and you will go to hell. One tim My uncle had beaten me up and choked in my room for finding out I was gay at a family gathering . I just lay in my room and cry, nobody say anything. He had also been drinking. i dont talk to him. I have faith in Allah, although I have difficulty keeping prayer, that someday , I may be cured and be a good person with good friends and somday...a wife and good children.
I hope to find you kind and compassionate and willing to help and not rebuke me. Please ask Allah to have mercy and help me and all the Muslims of the world.
May Allah bless you with his mercy and forgiveness.
Amin
your struggling brother,
Ali