I want to marry a practising man
I want to marry a practising man
Salaam
I am 25yrs old born Muslim and nearly finished with my post graduate studies. It has always been very important to my parents that I have a successful career as well as practicing my religion which has been stressful at times to say the least. My mother has always been very practicing. However, I should add that we are a South Asian family therefore even though for most we would be considered 'liberal', my parents are still very much influenced by culture.
I love my parents dearly, especially my mother but sometimes I find it impossible to get my point across to her! I wear the hijab which I decided to take after I went for Umrah when I was 19 and try my level best to be a good Muslim but by no means am I perfect. However, I do wish to get married to someone practicing. This is very important to me. My mother is very adamant that I should now look to get married as I am getting old and if I comment on the fact that the person she is recommending doesn't seem practicing (their lifestyle/appearance) she very abruptly informs me that I am not what most would call practicing as well and that from now on if anybody did ask her about me she would say that I do no wish to ever get married.
I am really frustrated at this situation I love my mother and do not wish to quarrel with her but any attempts of explaining my point of view end with her telling me that she has given up on me. Maybe beacuse I am part of the situation I cannot analyse it that is why I thought it best to consult a third party's opinion. I am starting to think that maybe I am not practicing enough to marry someone who is and that it is not meant for me by Allah(swt).
I am just really unhappy and stressed out as well as work and studies this is just too much pressure constantly. Also, I keep thinking that my prayers are going to waste if I'm making my mother unhappy and that really does kill me inside that Allah(swt) might not be happy with me 🙁 I know Islam tells us to make our parents happy. Is it selfish of me to think like this?! I'm really confused.
Any advice would be helpful 🙁
~mg11
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Salaams,
You said that your mother wants you to find a man who is practicing the deen sincerely, and that she will form opinions based on a man's lifestyle or appearance whether he is in that category or not. I think I can say, as a mother myself, that sometimes this can be a fair assessment in gauging others. If she wants a man who is very sincere, but the men you choose don't wear beards or kufis, don't dress in a way which covers their awrah ( like wearing short sleeved shirts and shorts above the knee), and their lifestyle is one of hanging out in dunya-type places with their friends or smoking, or talking to non-mahrem girls etc; then I think that her coming to the conclusion that they are not really on their deen is a fair statement. I tend to agree with her that men who are on their deen will have something to show for it in the way they carry themselves and spend their time.
The other aspect of this issue seems to be your own level of practicing Islam. She is claiming that you are less fervent then others, and not very serious about it. I don't know you, and I don't know what you are or are not doing to cause her to make such statements, but the truth is she may very well be trying to link you with someone who is more "deeni" than you, hoping that it will somehow raise your own level of practice.
In all of this sister, you never told us what kind of Muslimah you would like to be, and what type of Muslim man you are hoping to find. For all I know, you might prefer the kind of man your mother would reject, because he is more at your level. I personally think that it wouldn't be a good match to put someone who is very devoted with someone who is only approaching Islam casually- regardless of whether the devoted one is you or him. I truly believe that if a sister (or brother) is trying to do all they can to worship Allah with sincerity in every action, they will not want for themselves a mate who is doing anything less.
I think the root problem here is your mother's concern with your seriousness about Islam. Maybe she thinks a man will fix that if she finds the right one. If you have no intentions at this time of modifying how you practice, you need to let her know that so she will stop putting herself through pointless hopes and schemes. It may not be what she wants to hear, but if it's the honest truth then it's a place to start. On the same note, I strongly suggest that you examine yourself to determine why you are satisfied with a less serious level of practice (if that's the case). In this life, there are no re-takes and everything we say, do and think is counted either for or against us. Because of that, being casual about the deen is not something people should take lightly.
If you want to become more serious about your Islam, then do so independent of your mother's attempts to find a husband for you. Focus on the areas you can improve, and make steps to strengthen those areas each day. In time the changes will start to become more natural and others will notice your progress and you will be drawn more to the right things and less to the wrong. With time and consistency in doing this, you may see that the situation resolves on it's own and you meet a man that you and your mother both feel comfortable about you marrying insha'Allah.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Amy, I think you have it backwards. The sister is practicing Islam - praying and wearing hijab - but her mother keeps bringing her marriage candidates who are not practicing. This is common in Muslim cultures. Young women are expected to wear hijab, be chaste, and generally be little angels, while young men are given leeway to misbehave. And when the sister points out to her mother that the men do not seem to be practicing, her mother gets frustrated and threatens to stop looking.
Sister mg11, your mother doesn't understand what you are looking for, or she has different priorities. Most likely she is focusing on the man's income and social status. That's common. She doesn't get where you are coming from, or she doesn't care. When you reject her candidates she responds by belittling you. Don't buy into that. You know who you are, so be confident in yourself. Don't settle for anything less than what you want and deserve, Insha'Allah.
My suggestion to you is that you cannot rely on your mother to bring you an appropriate marriage partner. You will have to take control of the search, and find someone by yourself who fits your requirements.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I didnt know awra of men that means they also must wear short sleeved shirt. i googled it but found nothing
No I didn't mean they must wear one. All I know is my husband prefers all his shirts to go to his elbow so I may have automatically assumed it was a sunnah to NOT wear short sleeves (above the elbow). I apologize for any mistakes I made base off what may have been my husbands preferences only.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams,
I apologize if I got anything mixed up. I must've misunderstood the statements "...she very abruptly informs me that I am not what most would call practicing..." and "I am starting to think that maybe I am not practicing enough to marry someone who is...". I can now see that the sister was the one declining the "non-practicing" men. Please disregard any of my comments that were irrelevant based on this, and thanks Wael for catching the details I obviously missed!
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalam oalykum wr wb,
Sister who have posed any question do not loose any hope of any sort inshallah you have a right to marry a practicing muslim becuase that man who do not love allah swt and his rasul saws more than himself how can he understand the rights of each other in marriage and love you .
Its easy to order and its not easy to imply sister. So i pray for you to keep out looking for a practicing potential spouse or join some islamic matrimonial site. this is a very good one indeed i didnt came across any pure islamic website till now which is http://www.purematrimony.com (i hope the editors wont remove this :P)
May Allah swt facilitate your search to complete half of your deen ameen.