Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I want to marry him but he says he’s not ready

committment force relationship tired

Salam,

I am 35yr and was talking to a potential proposal for the last 4 months, without had shown equal interest. He was married before and had a divorce. It was very painful for him. He then asked a common acquaintance to introduce him to someone. Thats how I came in picture. He recently has stopped talking and upon enquiring through e-mail told me that he is not ready yet, his life is a mess and needs fixing and we should go our own way. Its traumatic for me.

I think may be he is going though the some insecurities and fears. I don't know if I should go and see him personally and help him allay his fears and offer him a hand to hold. I don't know if he will like it or not. He is a good guy and thinks good about me. I have no ego going and seeing him but of course don't want to encroach someones personal space.

I am aware that relationships shouldn't be result of so much persuation and has to be spontaneous but also know that misfortune sometimes is a result of us not availaing the opportunity. I don't want us to miss this opportunity. I am not desperate for marriage but would like to offer this guy my love and loyalty.

Please advise me, I would like a brother's opinion if possible. I will appreciate your help.

Jazakallah

~friend


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15 Responses »

  1. Salaam,
    Sister i would advise you to give him space, when we need space we dont want anyone in the way, whether it be our mothers, brothers or any1 else, at this moment in time the man is on good terms with you by contacting him or even seeing him you may get what you least expect, while a hand to hold may be good in many situations, when a man needs space and people come in the way he can get angry, and so i would advise you hold back until he is comfortable with himself and then resume communication with him, since he will take your gratitude as inteference and may unintentionally hurt your feelings, leaving things strained.
    every man is different, but myself and many others would see it this way.

    Hope this helps

  2. Asalaam alaikum,

    Given what he has said, he has assessed his life and is making the best choice. It's hard to admit those things in which a person's life needs a lot of fixing, but to do so and for him to be candid about it is honorable. By approaching him, I believe that you are just setting yourself up to be hurt.

    Then of course, there is the danger of falling into zina, as well. If nothing else, that thought should keep you mindful of the boundaries between you two.

    • I just wanted to add, you should keep in mind that after 4 months in communicating with you, he felt this was the best way to let you go. Make dua for him and then, ask Allah (swt) to bring you a spouse that is ready.

      After turning this page, you should also inquire as to other potential spouses from family, friends and people within your community. As the saying goes, "people come into your life for a reason or a season." This man was the latter, it's time to move on.

  3. Salaam sister, Hope your well. Judging from what you have read my advice to you would be to give him the space he wants and probably needs, and move on. The more you approach him, the more resentful he may become. Leave things on good terms, and if he wants to come back and pursue things further he will. If not, it was not meant to be and inshaAllah you will find someone better.

    Wish you all the best πŸ™‚

  4. AA;

    Well, you guys talked and knew each other for 4 months, I am not sure if 4 months is long enough to develop such a strong feeling for someone, and I am not sure why is it so dramatic for you! but at any rate, it seems like you two had good intentions alhamdolellah.

    Now, if after 4 months he said he wants to figure things in his life first, then just let it be. He knows you are there for him, he knows you are available for marriage and you did not reject him. Maybe he might be getting back with wife, or maybe he is getting his kids (not sure if there are any) and not sure what to do, maybe he seen other women and liked another more, there might be many issues why he is doing this. So do not think of it as a bad thing, inshallah it is a good thing. He realized he needs time and space, and he politely asking for it. At least, he is not pushing the envelop and using you then letting you go an dyou knwo many men out there would so such thing.

    Also, you are a woman, and he is a man. If he needs help, friends to talk, someone to share with, he has family and friends. He should not be doing that with you, and you should not be offering it.

    Inshallah everything works out for the best of everyone.

    May ALLAH guide us, grant us patience, and shower us with his mercy.

    If I am correct, it is from ALLAH. If I err it is from me, and I pray ALLAH forgives me.

    AA

  5. I am not a brother, but I do agree that approaching him would be a bad idea. He does need space, and although hurtful, at least he was honest enough to tell you. However, unlike females, males deal with problems in different ways. Females like to talk about it and discuss feelings as a means of releasing them. Men don't in general. Quite the contrary actually - men like to be alone and think of solutions.

    So by approaching him:

    1- You are risking falling into zina, and getting used.
    2- You may provoke a bad reaction from him - and this will hurt you even more. From own experience with male
    family members, trying to get them to open up has led to them getting angry and a whole spiral of negativity -
    trust me it's not worth it, especially with a non mahram.

    There are plenty of other possible outcomes I won't discuss, but none of them are very good. Either way this guy won't be able to be a good husband while he still has the emotional baggage.
    So do give this guy the space he needs, keep yourself busy in your deen and work/study. I understand you may be worried about opportunities dear sister but if you are meant to marry this brother, you will. Allah will find a way. So dont be afraid of moving on at least for the time being. Allah swt could bring you someone better, just trust in Him.

    Do Istikhaarah for peace of mind if needbe. Scroll to the top of this page and you wll see some green boxes, click on the 'Istikhaarah qs and Answers link' and read through carefully.

    Also if you are not married to this guy, avoid speaking to him in an intimate way, and becoming to close to him. And certainly don't offer him a hand to hold sis - that's haraam. (Although I am sure you meant it metaphorically - lol.) Please be aware that a man and woman cannot be alone together without a 3rd party present. So if you meet him it should be in presence of your mahram.

    Allah has written for Adam's son his share of Zina ( fornication & adultery) which he commits inevitably. The Zina of the eyes is the sight (to gaze at a forbidden thing), the Zina of the tongue is the talk, and the inner self wishes and desires and the private parts testify all this or deny it "
    Rasulullah S.A.W. said "It is better for a man that a steel nail be driven through the centre of his head....rather than if he touches the palm of a strange women"

    Narrated by Umar ibn al-Khattab, Messenger of Allaah {Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Sallam} said: "Whenever a man is alone with a woman shaytan makes a third." [Al-Tirmidhi 3118]

    These rules Allah have given us are to protect us dear sister. Take a look around the site and you will see many people who offered emotional support or got close to members of the opposite sex and find it causes more problems.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • dear sara,

      asalamalaikum,

      thank you for comments. and thank you for understanding it as a woman. you kind of read my fears well.

    • Dear Sara,

      asalamalikum,

      i asked this question to my brothers so that they can smell the rat, but they couldnt, you did.

      i recently got to know that this man that i was talking about was not just ready .... he was so impatiently ready that he married the same month!

      why are men so deceptive. Alhamdulillah Allah saved me from a liar and a deceptive man, who was pretending to be pious .

      iam writing this only to benefit some other reader in a similar situation.

      • I'm glad you found out sister. It doesn't suprise me there are many men like that, they act like the victims when they abuse someone and make the other person feel guilty. When they are finnished with you they give you crocodile tears!

        It's not just movies you see actors. Liers and abusers are great actors too!

        Be aware of men like that. They play with women's emotions. I believe honesty is the best policy. And being open about every aspect of ones life is the most important part. Make sure any men you meet for marriage are transparent in their character and behavoiur. Once they start hiding things then its time to hit the road!

        I pray that Allah gives you an honest and faithful husband Insha Allah.

  6. my dear brothers and sisters,
    salam,

    thank you so much for your advise. brother wael thank you for putting up my question, how silly i was to think that others may not have much to say to me.

    i wrote a very detailed reply but somehow it got deleted accidently. and now i have to go to work.
    but in short, after his email i waited a month for my impulses and knee jerk reaction to settle down and then emailed him,that iam hurt and i undertstand he needs space, and he knows where iam. two months have gone since that e mail i sent , no reply.

    of course i feel why did he had to use my emotions to check whether he is ready or not. why bring some one elses emotions to surface and then leave them to deal with themselves. its so selfish. iam so hurt.

    i did not build false hopes just by some txt. he was talking about if i wanted kids, if i would move where his job is, his mom was saying iam good,there was also talk about deen as well, so i thought i should not take this oppurtunity forgranted, but who knew that he will take me forgranted.i checked with him that is he ready to move on and that he is under no pressure from anywhere. he said he wants to persue it happily.

    during this whole time , i always prayed that Allah you know what i dont, you see what i dont, so protect me and guide me. i think thats what Allah has done he has protected me and knowing me , i would never backed off myself , Allah just took him away instead sothat the burden is not on me ,its only pain and disappointment . inshallah with time it will heal. its just that i have worked hard all my life and recently started thinking about myself that may be i should get married and everyone else encouraged, so i have let my guard down. i should have never done that!. alhamdulillah it never came to seeing each other.

    its a shame what i wrote earlier got deleted , as i gave a full account of events. never mind.

    i cant thank you all enough for taking time to write to me .jazakallah. please pray for me that Allah takes away this sadness from me, and helps me heal.iam not praying that he comes back, iam just praying that may Allah help me identify my will with His. will. ameen

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      Look at it this way: you now know one of the more important criteria to ask of your next potential spouse, emotional and actual readiness.

      Also, someone once said to another rejected heart, "Right now, somewhere in this world, there's a person whose eyes are full of tears streaming down their cheeks, on their knees pleading to God for a spouse. At this time, Allah (swt) in His full wisdom and mercy selects them for you."

      You see, it wasn't so much your physical steps towards each other, but the tears you needed to shed to see one and other that will bring that new person into your life. Your tears are just pulling away a veil. In time, you will find the one who prayed for you, too.

  7. by the way ,the photo is so accurate πŸ™‚

    • AA;

      See how easy it is to smile and how good it feels to do so? πŸ™‚ There is SO MUCH that we got that we never asked for, so don;t be so upset about things you do not get. And just think, maybe Allah pushed this guy away from you because he might not be the one that will make you happy, even if you think he is!

      And why be sad? You are a Muslim. Allah created all this universe for you. Allah wrote all that you will get, and you will get it πŸ™‚ All this life is but a Journey. We will not be here for ever. So continue being a good Muslim and even get better Because Allah created us for one reason which is to worship him. Focus on that, and Allah will take care of everything else. I know it is hard to reach that point, but you can always think about it and reach for it. and do you EVER think you are alone out there πŸ™‚

      May ALLAH guide us, grant us patience, and shower us with his mercy.

      If I am correct, it is from ALLAH. If I err it is from me, and I pray ALLAH forgives me.

      AA

  8. thank you brother'just a man', jazakallah

  9. I'm sure he did not intend to mislead you in any way. It's a natural human desire to want companionship and love, and maybe he thought he was ready. But at some point he realized that he was not.

    It's also possible that he felt that you and he were not compatible; so this was a kind way of breaking it off with you.

    In any case, I think you should respect his wishes and stop communication.

    I'm sorry that you had this difficult experience, but Insha'Allah you will find someone better in the future, someone who is ready to give you his whole heart.

    Wael
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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