I don’t like anything about my wife – what should I do?
Askm, I have married a woman and found that she is flat-chested, underweight, very very thin, short, has an allergy of which she coughs regularly and her mouth smells bad 24 hrs.
I didn't see her before marriage. (I demanded to see her but her parents refused to show her to me).
Now I don't have any physical attraction towards her since the first day and I am not getting satisfied in any way. Apart from this she is also stubborn. Neither do I like her physical looks nor her character.
I am in a dilemma. Please help me out what to do??. I am mentally facing distress and tensions. And I don't want to commit haram with any other woman for satisfying my needs. This is disturbing me a lot.
asadt
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OP: I have married a woman and found that she is flat-chested, underweight, very very thin, short, has an allergy of which she coughs regularly and her mouth smells bad 24 hrs.
Is your wife anorexic? Does she have a body image problem? ......Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder characterized by immoderate food restriction, inappropriate eating habits or rituals, obsession with having a thin figure. Take her to a doctor to rule out any medical/psychological problem.
If she is not anorexic, her weight problem can be fixed by eating balanced nutritious diet. As she gains weight her breast may develop also. Breast development in girls also takes place when a girl gets pregnant.
Simple allergy should not be some thing difficult to manage, but take her to a doctor to find out what she is allergic too. Bad breath may be due to sinus/allergy problem or poor dental hygiene.
You mentioned "I don't have any physical attraction towards her." Are you trying to say you never had sex with her? How long have you been married to her?
Divorce is actually a halal option. In fact this may even be better for both of you. Find her a husband and divorce her. Thats permissible in Islam: http://en.islamtoday.net/node/1109
That way her life won't be ruined.
You should never have married her if her family refused to let you see her. Thats just plain silly. Why marry someone you never saw?
Alternatively you can try getting your wife to improve her shape and health.
If i was in our shoes, I would opt for a divorce.
Salaams,
I don't think it would be his responsibility to find her a husband just to divorce her. He can do that, and she can then decide if she even wants to remarry at that point. I strongly believe women should be looking for their own husbands, with help if they like it, but not someone doing it for them. She is perfectly capable of handling that herself.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Amy: I strongly believe women should be looking for their own husbands, with help if they like it, but not someone doing it for them.
Women are supposed to not interact with non-mehrams. In many countries they are supposed to wear burqa when they go out. Woman is not even supposed to talk to a non-Mehram. How do you think Muslim women can look for their own husbands with all these restrictions?
I do agree a woman should play a major role in choosing her own husband. A family can help her in making the best choice.
I know how you feel is just so wrong the way you talk about your wife is really
Hurtful I feel for her, this is why I don't agree with arrange marriages, this is 2014 marry who ever u like and love as long as there good Muslims, I guess every culture is different , if you really feel the way you do about her then I guess Divorce her and move on so you tow can be happier with someone else insallah
How can you agree to get married to a girl you never seen? Your a grown man. I find it very strange.
Asalamu alaikum,
The only thing i can say how could marry someone without seeing her? you had the right to see your future spouse. The moment they refused to show her, you should have waited before rushing into marriage.
If you find traits in your wife which you dont like then look for a trait you do like. If thats not possible then its best to go your separate way.
Character and personality is what makes a person. Its not something that is changeable overnight. If you dont like their character, not attracted to her etc then this will never work.
If you no longer want to be with her the best solution is to go your seperate ways. Dragging out the marriage will only make you miserable.
peace..
This post reminds of another post word for word a few weeks back but I wasn't able to locate it. Not sure why it was posted again.
Assalaamualaikam
Why did you marry her? If you married her because of an attribute she possesses or because you felt that the two of you were compatible in some way, then rather than focusing on the negatives, try to remind yourself of that. Rather than emphasising the things that you don't like, look to see if there is anything that you do like.
For example, when you say she is stubborn, that may mean that she is strong-willed and will stand up for what she believes in, which could be a positive thing if the two of you are working to build a home and life together. If she is forthright in her opinions, that may mean she will challenge you and push you to better yourself, rather than just accepting your word for things whether you are right or wrong. It might help to get to know her as a person, to see if this is the case, or if the two of you are indeed incompatible.
With regards physical attractiveness, there will be things she can't change and things she can't, but you may find that if you like and care for her as a person, you find her more beautiful just the way she is. It sounds like she may have some health problems, so it may be that once these are addressed, she will inshaAllah feel and look healthier as well. If you find yourself looking at her and feeling displeased, try to find something that you like (not necessarily something that's attractive to you at this time, but something that makes you feel more positive about her).
It's not clear how long the two of you have been married, but if it hasn't been long and you feel she is pious and generally a good and decent person, then it might be worth spending a bit of time trying to find some common ground. If after that it still isn't working, then the two of you may be in a situation where divorce is the least bad option - if you do end up taking this route, then make sure you can do so knowing that you tried your best to make things work.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Are u perfect ?? I feel bad for your wife 🙁 Is physical beauty only criteria for love ? The way u describe her I felt good character is not that important criteria for you, just the fuller weight women matters ! May be she has some health issues Why dont you try to help her. If she has no physical issue then accept her as she is becoz Allah created her that way and she is perfect in her own way .I m sure you are also not perfect ..Marriage is abt 2 imperfect people who try to make perfect home with love & respect..nobody is perfect n can never be.How would u feel if other people reject u becoz of your outer appearance! May Allah fulfil your life wid love
Even if you want to leave her, don't tell her you are doing that because she is ugly looking in your eyes. Try to help her become a better person as long as you are with her. Looks can be changed in many ways including plastic surgery.
If she is a total turn-off sexually, it can effect your sex life badly. It is not going to be an easy decision for you.
Assalaamualaikam
Cosmetic surgery is haraam. Please don't suggest haraam solutions to problems - this is an Islamic website.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
Well its upto you. You can do whatever you like noone can stop you, but in the process you are hurting this innocent women! Is it her fault that you married her without seeing her! ( you are a man! Noone can force you to marry without your consent! You do not need anyone's permission)
This is absurd, no man will marry a women without checking her out in person as men are more phisically inclined. You should have rejected her in the first place. If you blindly married her then you should have known
that you will accept her however she is? So now why are you not accepting her?
We don't have boyfriend girlfriend in Islam so before marrying you need to make it clear to the person exactly what you you are looking for! If chest size is important then you need to tell the potential bride that you looking for this size and up etc as with wearing hijab nothing is visible. Women are not mind readers!
I don't understand why some men make up silly excuses of how they were forced or decieved into marrying a women! They are not man enough to stand up for themselves! But after marriage they are man enough to be selfish and dispose the women by saying 3 words! The poor women has her life destroyed because of the man's foolishness!
Sumaira: you need to make it clear to the person exactly what you you are looking for! If chest size is important then you need to tell the potential bride that you looking for this size and up etc as with wearing hijab nothing is visible. Women are not mind readers!
Do parents let their daughters talk to a prospective groom alone?
You seriously think a guy can talk about his expectation of breast size when he goes looking for a Muslim wife in an arab country? A girl's family will probably beat the hell out of the guy who asks that kind of question. A woman does not have to be a mind reader to know what men like.
Sumaira: This is absurd, no man will marry a women without checking her out in person as men are more phisically inclined. You should have rejected her in the first place
OP: I didn't see her before marriage. (I demanded to see her but her parents refused to show her to me).
I think parents used religion and refused to show her. In countries where a woman is forced to wear burqa. A man may be able to see a girl's face only and not have any idea about rest of the body.
Salam brother,
I think in your case your family females are the culprits. They must have seen your wife before marriage and knew her physical features pretty well . Your wife and her parents are not at fault . she is either your mom or sisters choice.
Once she become pregnant she will acquire mature female figure.
Brothers on forum are complaining ,either they met girl for short time or was unable to assess her properly due to hijab or saw her video only or did not see her at all like OP ,and now after marriage she turned out to be not attractive enough.
All males who are in process of finding wives they should use their mothers, sisters, or any female representative from their side for help. Clearly tell them your requirements so you do not get disappointed later.