Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My Soon-to-be-wife has left me suddenly, And I am still deeply in love with her.

lonely man, losing her,

Asalamaleykum!

Dearest Brothers and Sisters,

This is my first day on this website, this is to let you know I am completely new to this.

I am in an extreme need of help and advice, therefore for the first time in my life, I am reaching out to my brothers and sisters. (And for the first time I am writing for help on this website, as I am completely left confused, and just don't know what to do with myself)

I am in my early thirties. I try to be a good devout muslim. I have never been in any kind of a relationship. Since I was a kid, In believed in finding the perfect one, I believed in Finding My Soul Mate. I have never dated, or wanted to date anyone, even when I had offers. I believed it to be wrong to be with someone, to whom you already know, you won't have a future with.  It is wrong to mislead them, and to hurt them. Being alone for most part of my life, and living alone for the second. I felt the emptiness inside of me. All I had were dreams, that one day i would too find someone special. Instead of dating other people. And when I felt alone, I used to sit down alone in my room, and write letters to my soul mate, who I had not yet met. But one day planned and hoped to me. And then to give her those letters.

I wanted to be a good Muslim, I wanted my kids to be good Muslim Children, I wanted to be a good Muslim Husband.
The only dream I ever had was to have my own children, and to teach them what I had learned. To love them, and to be loved back a little in return. Since I was young, I wrote to my soulmate when I cried, I wrote to her, about everything in my life. I wrote to her, sharing all my dreams.

I would sit and dream for hours, how to be a good father, a wonderful husband. Since I have been waiting for her for so long. I planned to spend and enjoy every single second that I have with her, never to take her for granted or to ignore her.  I used to think and tried the best to teach myself how to be a good husband. I used to think, Maybe  one day she is angry at me, because I know I am not perfect. Maybe she would slap me. (I knew no relationship is perfect, and that all couples have their ups and downs) So when I thought what would I do If she got upset at me for what I did, and she slapped me? How do I make her fall in love with again? how do I tell her that I love her, and I don't want to argue or fight with her. What as a Muslim Husband shoudl I do, I came to the conclusion. I would not yell or shout, or hit her back. and lose her love. I would take her hand, and kiss it, and ask her, if she hurt herself. I only wanted one relationship, and all I wanted was a good relationship. to give her all that i could. I am not rich, I am not that good looking. I had to find other ways to make her fall in love with me again and again ever after we are married and have children.

I tried to be a really good Muslim. I studied islam. And I tried to do Jihad, informing other people who are non-muslims about islam. And to especially challenge them if they did'nt understand anything about islam. I found it very challenging. as we all know that 2 plus 2 is four. but how do i prove to them to a person who does'nt know anything about islam (or maths) that 2 plus 2 is 4 and not 5 or 3 and so on.
That broadened my horizons. It came to teach me even newer things about islam about the things that I thought i already knew all and understood all.

The woman i met on the internet, who proposed to me. Who herself is a Muslim. we talked about raising a family together. we talked about getting married. I gave it my all, I tried my best. after a while she started becoming unhappy with me, that I can't do anything right. I said. I am trying my best, I am failing. but I am still trying isn't that a good thing? Have patience, be encouraging, be supportive, with your help I can change. I want to change. I want to be good when I am not good.

No matter how much I tried, I always seemed to fail. nothing I did was right.

We agreed to get married. I had no shadow of a doubt about that. Now all of a sudden she has abandoned me, she has left me. She was the one for me. I don't understand it at all. And I don't know what to do with myself anymore? I know I was completely alone before I met her, but now I feel even more lonelier (not sure if that makes any sense to you while reading this).

I was not given a reason or an explanation.
Just a threat never to contact her again.

We had even chosen names for our kids. We planned all details to our wedding. We started working on where we would live and to decorate it with a million small items. I know her, she is a wonderful person. then why has she chosen to abandon me? Every couple has issues you try to find a way around them, if you can't solve them. I was ready to give it my all.

I have a weak heart. and I can't stand being alone again.
I cry where I can almost feel my soul wanting to leave my body, cause she has left me.

I want to pursue her, I still want to stay in love with that person. I don't want to marry anyone else. I want to stay true to her. I want to stay true to myself. I can't help but crying so hard and so much.

Is Allah angry at me, Is Allah punishing me, Is Allah displeased with me? That the one wish, the one dream that I had. Can't come true for me?
I don't want to be alone. I want to talk to someone. to help distract and divert myself. I know I cry when I am alone. not in the presence of another.

I just need help, and guidence, cause I am not sure of anything myself.
I want some insight to  my situation.

I would appreciate all help from anyone.
Thank you for your time and help.

Regards

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35 Responses »

  1. this is a very sensitive topic called love.we all choose who we want to love.... wether the person is ugly or pretty good or bad sick or healthy we choose what who we want to love..... but did you know that love has sacrifices too? one of them which is letting go if the other does not want to hold on.... setting them free to be happy.... that is an act of true love..... if they come back they love u too. .if not they go and be happy and that's good too don't we want to see the people we love happy?

    • Dear Sister,

      I am completely aware that you can never force someone to do anything in life.

      I am mainly interested in the "reason" as to why she left me.
      She is the one who approached me, and asked me to be her boyfriend. I asked her in islam, there is only Nikah. I can not be her boyfriend. She asked me to marry her. I accepted. Our marriage was supposed to take place in march 2015. A little before the wedding, she has left me.

      I am mainly interested in knowing her reason.
      Or i am trying to understand what her situation might be.

      I believe it is wrong to ask someone to marry them and promise to be with them forever and then desert time weeks before the marriage.

      I want her to be happy. even if that means her finding someone else.

      I am also confused is she doing this on her own free will, or is she being forced by someone.
      i am not against her happiness. I just want to be sure that is what she wants.
      And i am unable to understand her reason for deserting me.

      Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your feedback on the matter.

  2. There are a few areas that is not clear to me:
    1. Did you see her face to face? Or you are just chatting in the internet the whole time?
    2. How long you have been knowing her? Do you know anything about her family?
    3. Do you have her contact, e.g. physical address?
    4. Tell us more about what had actually happen between you two? You just blaming yourself but we did not know what is going on.

    You sound like a very introvert person that prefer to dream or fantasy about what is going to happen. Do you have an actual plan for marriage, for example your criterion to find a wife, where you can look for one, your financial arrangement, etc etc.

    The only thing I am afraid for you is what had happened is all "fake" if you only know "her" via the internet. "She" may not be a real person.

    • Dear Brother,

      I have video conference with her, and her family. And she and her family has done the same with mine.
      We were in a relationship for 2 years approximately. And for 2 years we have been planning our wedding.
      Yes, we are a little familiar with each other's family.

      I have her contact, and physical address.
      so far there has been no response from her side, on internet, phone or postal mail.

      We met online. She asked me to be her boyfriend. I said we being muslims. there is no concept of boyfriend/girlfriend. There is nikah/marriage. She proposed to me, to which I accepted. Next we have been planning our marriage for 2 years. and also getting our families involved and giving the matter serious consideration that it needed.

      There were ups and downs, like I said earlier. issues/problems/arguments.

      I choose to remain quiet during them, since i did not want it escalate any further. Half knowing Half fearing that a simplest word out of context may cause her hurt from my side. They were petty issues.

      I would not describe myself as an introvert but rather socially very selective. In todays society where every other person is indulging in one form or the other. I choose my own privacy learning deen.

      I can assure you, she is not fake. This was all very real. lengthy conversations took place between our families on the ring size, and dinners etc.

      i am looking for guidance brother.
      Being a muslim, and wanting to be a good muslim. How should i deal with the matter.

      You have to understand, serious feelings from my end have developed. She was to be my future wife. And i have no reason from her or her family for her leaving me.

      How should I deal with my situation.
      More importantly how should i deal with my discomfort and depression.

      Thank you for you time, patience and help brother.

  3. asalamu alaikum,

    after reading you profile i can understand the pain you going through. i have short time, so i will try to be brief as possible.

    i can tell your a nice guy, but your too hooked up in this fantasy/dream kind of thing. also finding someone rejection its normal. it happens to most of us, in due time you will recover and find someone new. i hate to burst your bubble, don't you think its bit too early to be thinking about kids name and such? its like you trying to walk before you could crawl.

    dreams/fantasy and reality are not the same. the more you think of your ideal women in reality it will differ this will disappoint you. personally the whole daydreaming part i think you should try not make scenarios up. like you said " I would not yell or shout, or hit her back. and lose her love. I would take her hand, and kiss it, and ask her, if she hurt herself.", this whole romeo lines put it to the side.

    if you don't want to be lonely anymore, then do something about it. ask your family to find you a spouse, plenty of matrimonial sites, ask friends etc. don't give up without trying and putting in effort. don't expect you princess of your dreams to suddenly fall into your lap without doing anything. ask Allah to bless you with a righteous spouse. be patient..

    daydreaming too much will affect your daily life, which can lead to depression so try playing sport, visiting family/friends this will help you.

    peace..

    • Waleykumasalaam Brother,

      Yes rejection in life is very normal indeed.
      But Rejection after being in a relationship for two years where both parties have plans for marriage. And rejection just a few weeks before the marriage. Without even as a simple reason as to why. One being only human can atleast want to know the reason for such a harsh decision. Whatever the reason could be, there could have been alternatives. The marriage could have been postponed to a later date, if there were any issues. Been any issues all of them can be worked out. Why dropped completely. The marriage itself could have been saved

      As you must be aware, marriage is not a simple little thing. Before marriage dozens of things are considered, reviewed and then re-considered again. it's a continuous process of planning and re-planning.
      Following marriage comes parenthood. And one just does'nt jump into parenthood blindly or take it lightly. Or go about it by trial-and-error method.

      My reason for mentioning that we had decided names for our children is to point the obvious which is we both took the matter really seriously to heart and mind. And that we were dedicated to the extent that one can be.

      Being a Muslim, You need to be Prepared for what you must do, You need to be aware of What you have to do. You need to have things Planned and then carry them out. As Muslims we are told to prepare for our life in the hereafter before the time comes. As muslims we are aware of what is right and wrong, hallaal and haraam beforehand (not afterhand). As muslims we have to plan our life and which road to take to the life we want to lead and live.(not to go about it as we please)

      I am completely aware of the greater difference of dreaming and reality.
      Perhaps you are unaware how sacred marriage is in Islam, and how everything related to marriage is sacred.

      Are you saying brother, if you were in a relationship with someone for a period of 2 years. and had plans for marriage. and suddenly they backed out having given no reason. you would without even blink of an eye, at once go to your family and ask them to find you another suitable spouse???
      you would not ask any questions?

      Are you aware the only thing allowed in Islam, but most detested is Separation/Divorce.
      Do you have any comprehension as to regards as to why that is ???

      • you said rejection just few weeks before marriage? have you and family met in person? has the date been set? since you have never met, what made you so sure you were gonna marry in few weeks time?

        also for 2 years you been chit chatting? that's real pathetic. most likely she thought you were probably just stringing her along, and no longer interested in you.

        once you get married that's when you and your spouse plan together about names, anything etc not before marriage. you haven't had the experience no understanding, this is why i'm telling you.

        you said, Perhaps you are unaware how sacred marriage is in Islam? heed your own question.
        she doesn't want you, so respect it.

        now you have 2 options. 1, go back to your room and cry, while wring love letters to your future spouse making scenarios or 2, accept it like a man. it's been some time since you posted the first post and since you haven't heard from her this says a lot.

        if she didn't like you, she should have said but nothing you can do.

        plenty of people been through worse than you. now it's your choice what you want to do, if you still want to pursue and end up hurt go ahead. i wont impose my thoughts onto you but i will give a advice. in due time you will move forward, and don't force anyone if they don't want to. respect their decision.

        peace

        • Asalaamaleykum,

          First of all, like I said earlier. I will repeat the situation to you, so you can better understand.
          I am asking little guidance and help from my brothers and sisters here, in the matter how to proceed in life as per guidance in light of Islam.

          To clarify things to you;
          This was a long distance relationship, where both our families are living on two opposite sides of the globe.

          Our families talked and video conference d on skype. Her elders asked my elders permission. Both accepted. The talks of Marriage were completed both parties being very honest and sincere in the matter. Due to circumstances, the marriage was to take place after 1 year giving us both time to get to know each other better and plan our future together. She would graduate in one years time then our families would travel and meet. Spend a week meeting and greeting each other familes. and then the wedding was to take place. after which she was to return with me and my family to my country and to my home.

          Rings were bought and exchanged between our elders.

          Now weeks before the marriage, there is complete silence from her side. We were only told the wedding is off. No reason was given. and we can't proceed to establish any communication with them.

          The date for wedding was to be in march this year.

          Since you asked, since I never met her, what made me sure???

          Since her family asked my family. since rings were custom ordered and exchanged. since plans for marriage were made. That is how i know. from talking to her father, sister, her friends and family relatives on skype on video.

          I believe now i have answered all your questions brother.

          Brother you said: "also for 2 years you been chit chatting? that's real pathetic. most likely she thought you were probably just stringing her along, and no longer interested in you.

          Two people making their future plans as to where to live, where to work, how to find jobs.. How Often to go back and visit in-laws and her family. Me helping my future wife adjust to the ways and culture of my country, me helping her learn my language and she helping me learn hers. or both of us Studying, learning, understanding, sharing and teaching each other about sacredness of Marriage according to Islam, Quran and the teachings of the Holy prophet. We preparing ourselves to be better Muslims Husband and Muslim Wife.
          And you find this brother to be as you quoted "the real pathetic".
          I urge you to please have some respect. Try not to judge a book by it's cover.

          Thanks.

          i am sorry, but I don't find your advice at all helpful or useful.

          You said, I don't know the sacredness of Marriage in Islam?
          Then you are saying that 2 years both of us learning about Islam, Rights of husbands and women and the sacredness of marriage in Islam real pathetic?
          By your own definition and choice of words. what you are saying is oxymoron.

          By saying that, you are saying you have the right to judge me, and my circumstances. When in reality brother, you have no right whatsoever to judge anyone. you can only help/assist/ and guide a person. and then it is their will and choice to follow or not to your advice.

          Perhaps, I need to enlighten you on a few matters concerning Sacredness of Marriage in Islam. To which you seem completely oblivious to.

          Islam does not preach. that at the first sign of problem or difficulty leave your spouse/partner and go in search to find someone else. But you are telling me to do that.

          Islam says to take marriage very seriously, and take our duties to each other very seriously. In case of any problems/arguments/situations do your best to save your relationship. In Islam Divorce/separation is allowed but it the one thing most detested by Almighty Allah himself. Islam does'nt teach men to be hard and strong and never to cry or never to have a soft heart. like you said it.

          According to your manner of thinking and your method of advice, once should keep jumping from one relationship to another and to another. Never try to settle down with just one person, never sit down, and analyse the situation or find some compromise.I am very sorry brother but I don't find your words helpful or encouraging. And Your words, "Go to your room and cry" I don't find your words at all supportive as all. So Thanks but no thanks.

          What I asked is, I need help on how to proceed and move on in my life. She does'nt want me, I understand and respect her decision. But I have no reason for her decision. To Why they are saying no. That is what makes me think, is there anything else at play. Is someone forcing her or her family. to cut all communication with me and my family? If i have a logical valid reason, it is very easy to respect their decision and move on. But if you are told it's over, without any reason or even a hint. as to what is the cause of a sudden change or decision. Than that's very suspicious circumstances.

          I asked to learn, What does Islam say to a person in my situation.
          I did'nt ask you, for your personal views. and your personal opinion on the matter.

          And everything that you have said, is based purely on your own personal speculation of the situation. Never once has she said, that she has stop to like or love me. Never once has she said, That she, herself does'nt want to marry me. All that was said, that it's over.

          Any simple human being could easily see and understand. a person does'nt go from saying yes to marriage for 2 years. and that person keeps discussing the details of the wedding. as to the number of guests. guest list. food that will be served. wedding dresses and etc etc. then suddenly say no. especially when that person has asked the other person for marriage. her family has pursued the case.

          When there is considerable doubt to even knowing If she is saying No.
          you are again presuming the answer from her side is no. and it's your own personal speculation of the situation of which you know nothing about. but you are asking me to accept your opinion and your judgement on the matter. Where as i have been in a real conversation with that person for two years. I believe I stand to have a better judgement of the situation.

          An honest brother would have asked me first, do I have any doubts if she still loves me or not. And then would have advised me, if i see any chance, to go ahead and save my marriage and my relationship of two years. The road would be hard and difficult the road is not going to be easy hope for the best be prepared for anything.

          As per your advice. If i don't abandon her. and if i choose to pursue her and get hurt go right ahead. Atleast what you could do is wish another brother well. You have no intention or care for me in the least. You want to seem superior and be right, and that's all that matters to you.

          I am sorry.
          It's best we do not converse with each other any more. Since seriously you seem to be the who is more in need of help than me.

          • i didn't bother reading all of it, i doubt you have anything decent to say to me. on your post you said I just need help, and guidance, cause I am not sure of anything myself. I want some insight to my situation. so i told you things happen like that. you have all sorts of people. if she really liked you she wouldn't just leave. you also said,a threat never to contact her again. would you still go on your knees and beg? well, you might while reading love memoirs which you've written. if you really think i'm judging you and my advice is of no help then too bad for you. i'm telling you don't pursue but your hooked on going. i can't force you. this is what i'm saying.

            i'm telling you through experience not speculation. if this how you behave when someone taken their precious time to help you, now i see why she left you.

  4. Aslamualykum Brother! your story is all bout dreaming. tell me you want to live your life in dreams only? sorry to say but it seems that u wanted to remain in relationship only through inter net. you Cnt Date any girl because you cnt face reality u love to live only in dreams .
    when we want to achieve something in life surely we dream about it but we try to achieve it as well just thinking and thinking is not enough. u had very strong approach for a partner u never dated so that u remain pure but then u deviated totally. had net frndship and erotic relationship planned future family life ....... u are no more different now ........even you are a looser not assured for the one u loved is it love???no. a big no
    so my bro forget all about her go ahead a happy life awaiting u ask your family to look for you ASAP
    AND REMEMBER DISAPPOINTMENT KILLS US

    • Waleykumasalaam,

      My story is not about dreaming, but of an "Actual" event that took place in my life, perhaps if you paid more attention to what I said earlier.

      It seems, you have something against dreaming? what is it?

      Did you know there are 3 kinds of dreams, Rabbani Dreams, are from Almighty Allah himself, and those dreams come true.
      Are you not familiar with the life and events of Prophet Yosuf? Dreams played a very important part in the life of Prophet Yosuf.
      Did you know that dreams are 46th part of Prophethood?
      Did you know, Allah's most revelations came to His prophets in the form of dreams.?
      Do you know, many devout and pious muslims have seen our Holy Prophet Mohammad (SAW) in their dreams?

      You asked me, "Do you want to live your life in dreams?"

      I ask you, what's wrong in dreaming. All Muslims dream of going to Heaven, but we are all aware of the reality that attaining a place in Jannah is not easy, we are all but a speck on a speck, with mountains of sins.

      If I have an honest dream, and I want to pursue it. What is so wrong with it, that you are telling me to be against it?

      You wrote: "sorry to say but it seems that u wanted to remain in relationship only through inter net. you Cnt Date any girl because you cnt face reality u love to live only in dreams ."

      I am sorry to tell you, that you are WRONG. There was an Actual Wedding Planned.
      I am sorry to tell you I don't want to date any girls not because I can't' face reality. But because it's HARAAM! Hello! Are we even on the same page here???

      You wrote: "when we want to achieve something in life surely we dream about it but we try to achieve it as well just thinking and thinking is not enough. u had very strong approach for a partner u never dated so that u remain pure but then u deviated totally. had net frndship and erotic relationship planned future family life ....... u are no more different now ........even you are a looser not assured for the one u loved is it love???no. a big no
      so my bro forget all about her go ahead a happy life awaiting u ask your family to look for you ASAP
      AND REMEMBER DISAPPOINTMENT KILLS US"

      I asked, for guidance for how to proceed with my life, in light of Islam.

      And you are talking about "Erotic Relationship" "You are a Looser" "Kills"

      First you call me a brother, and then you call your brother a loser?
      Are you a good Muslim? This is what you have learned from Islam, and this is your representation of what you have learned from Islam?

      Shame on you, a Marriage is sacred in Islam, but all that comes to your mind is that I wanted an Erotic Relationship. Shame on you. Is this your personal view of marriage and of women??? Is this the only purpose you see to marriage???

      Marriage is such a sacred and beautiful bond, Where a man and woman seek the permission and blessings of Allah to live together in harmony.

      You are judgeing me, and calling me a Looser? Who gave you the right to judge anyone? Only Allah has that right. Not YOU!.
      The Holy Prophet (SAW) said in his last sermon." There is no superiority for an Arab over a non-Arab and for a non-Arab over an Arab, nor for the white over the black nor for the black over the white."

      But here we have you, proclaiming yourself to be superior, and calling me a looser? Tell me, what right you have to look down upon me, and call me that? That is how you care, and show your sympathy towards another fellow muslim brother?

      And then you said: "AND REMEMBER DISAPPOINTMENT KILLS US"

      Where as it is said, You need ... Disappointment, defeat, and despair that are the tools God uses to show us the way.

      Are you preaching your own version? or following the true teachings of islam?
      Seriously, instead of learning about the facts. you are making your own as you go along, and without any shred of any evidence, to support it or for it to be true. because its serves your own personal purpose. How convenient for yourself.

      Please do not preach your own teachings, and please do not try to help me again.

      • Dear Brothers and Sisters,

        I am still finding it hard to fully move on. It's been months, and I still have a loss of appetite for food. And I am completely unable to sleep at nights, till early morning. This is greatly affecting my work, for which I should be concerned but somehow it doesn't seem to matter to me at the moment. Thou I should.

        I have been trying really hard to push myself, to make myself busy. Trying my best not to think about her.
        I got on fine for a few weeks before I fall into a relapse. I need help.

        One of the things that really hits me hard is, how easy of a transition it has been for her to forget about me and move on. I know that she is enjoying her life and moving on. And i feel i am still stuck in time.

        One of the questions I keep asking myself is, that am I ever going to be able to fully allow myself to have those kind of feelings for someone else (like the feelings I had for her). If I ever plan to get married. that has been weighing down on me alot.
        I want to move on with my life, get married and get settled and start a family. But I feel, it would be really cruel of me, If i am unable to fully express myself or not allow my heart to open up again to my wife.

        These days I am struggling with my inner-self to find balance. I want to let it go, push it behind me. But i am not able to do that. As I have questions. and I think It will help me, if someone can give me some insight on the matter. Cause clearly i am not able to think straight, because of the way how I felt emotionally towards her. I want my situation to start making some sense to me. As to why a person would promise someone, that they would marry them. And then at the last minute back out.

        I thought these kind of things were mostly done by men to women. not by women to men.

        And how am i supposed to feel about this all when i look back. Am i supposed to be angry at her, and hate her for what she did to me. Because I know hate is not the answer. And at the same time, I can't peace in knowing that she is gone, whereas I am left alone. I am not a bad person, I have my flaws but i try to be good, and i try to do good. And in those two years, I tried everything that I could to have peace and harmony between us. I never complained, I listened. I gave unconditional love.

        we used to have arguments. And I used to tell her, I am trying and i am failing. But atleast I am trying, does'nt that mean anything. Please help me, encourage me, and support me I am supposed to be your future husband. And she never used to say she would help me. Which hurt me the most. and I often worry about it.

        But towards the ends the things were really good then why did she leave me suddenly.

        If anyone can take some time and energy out to help me. I would really appreciate it.
        If someone knows anything that might come helpful for me. I would really be grateful. Thanks.

        • Brother, I do not want to be harsh to you because you are obviously hurting. However, I have to point out that this girl does not owe you any explanation as to why she chose to cancel the marriage. She is not your wife, and as you know, the only relationship in Islam is marriage. The engagement period, while necessary in my view, is not a contract and is in fact a period for both parties to get to know each other and decide if they want to marry in a structured and supervised way. Either party therefore has the right to end the engagement at any point without explanation regardless of how long the engagement lasted or what wedding plans were made.

          I say this to you not to hurt you but to make you realize that you no longer control the situation, that the engagement is over and cannot be salvaged, and that you must move on without the closure you seek. It would have been kinder of this girl if she could explain why she chose to end your engagement, but she does not owe you an explanation and you cannot force her to give you one. You need to cast aside all thoughts of how and why and move forward with your life. Busy yourself with work and social things. If you find yourself still grieving this relationship, perhaps some limited counseling sessions or workshops may help you move forward. The one thing that is certain is that you must let go.

          • In response to "NE" and "Precious Star"

            I would like to thank both of you kindly for your time and attention in helping me. I understand and am in agreement with what you both have said. I am trying to move on. And I will try to take action on the advice you both have been nice enough to share with me.

            I have a few questions, where I further need your assistance with is. And this is concerning me (alone).

            Lets say I have moved on. In light of Islam, what should be my next steps to go forth. Which a person in my position should take.?
            I am praying 5 times a day. I am also taking classes on seekershub to further increase my knowledge and understanding of Islam.
            Is there any other steps that I should be taking.?

            I have this overwhelming feeling, that perhaps I am the one that has faults. Looking back I know i must have made some mistakes, but i don't think that I am not that much bad of a person. So I want to convince or check myself that as a human being and a muslim am I good or do i have some great flaws. That i should be working on fix? So I know I should be working on my issues first. and then when i am ready, I take the next step.

            I would like to move on with my life, and complete half of my deen. Although I feel I am not ready right now, I feel I need some time alone. So my question is, how much time should I wait till I start to move on?

            And lastly, If I am married to someone else. Do I have what it takes to be a good husband to them? I want to confirm for myself, and know myself that I am ready. Before I move on. Cause, If i rush towards a nikaah it woud not be fair of me, to rush when i am not ready, neither is is fair to whoever I get a nikah with. So how do i go about this? I want to be sure that I can prove to play my part right.

            Thanks, I would appreciate all the help and advice I can get.

        • I agree with NE. You are ruminating about her and about what happened. You will never move on if you keep doing this.

          Everyone will heal in their own time. Eventually you will get over her, but you need to be proactive about your healing. When you find yourself thinking about her, recite Ayat-ul-Kursi. Or the shahada. Try to take on a new project at work. Regular exercise is a mild anti-depressant, and you are depressed. Try to exercise for an hour 3-4 days per week, exercise that challenges you and elevates your heart rate.

          In time, she will just be a distant memory.

        • Salam brother,
          You sound like me- I did this a lot and still do to some extent re; my marriage, im not sure what advice to give to you except follow your own advice 🙂

          I know that it probably feels like she is happy and moving on but you don't truly know that's the case. She could be hurting too but she just doesn't show it. I know that it was cruel of her to break the engagement without an explanation but I see it as a blessing in disguise. Imagine if she continued with the engagement half heartedly, you would have both been married but miserable, and there's a possibility she may have repeated the same behavioir pattern and asked for a divorce without explanation.

          I know it's hard and you haven't recieved your closure but I really do feel that your lucky this has all happened prior to the marriage. inshaAllah yoi wil move on from this and have a happy future ahead of you. Also, what helps when I start thinking about the past and feeling depressed is to divert my attention to something else. If jm sitting alone I'll go and sit with someone and chat to them, find something to clean, call a friend etc etc and slowly im finding that its becoming easier to cope with these feelings because im replacing the negativity with something more productive.

          Also the thing that helped me the most were prayers, when I went through the problems in my marriage I stopped praying because I lost faith - now I pray and try to rememebr Allah constantly im trying to develop my relationship with Allah and when I panic or feel upset I place my faith and trust in Him and it gives me some peace knowing that everything is in His hands.

          I know I haven't given any new advice but inpray Allah swt makes this difficult time easy for you and you are able to move on quickly, ameen

          • Also watch this, really puts things into perspective: http://youtu.be/RgGh2hlHbc4

          • Wa'alaikum salam warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu,

            Dear Sister Bucks,

            The thing, I often think about is that. Women generally tend to stay in a relationship even when it's not at it's best as long as they see some hope in it or that the other person is still trying. They don't give up so easily. What's sad is that we didn't give it a fair chance, it could have survived, our problems were not that great. I know this much, looking back that I tried. I read books, that I did'nt want to read on relationships, listened to lectures on marriage counseling and women's psychology etc . I invited her to study marriage in light of Islam together, which she opposed. So i remember I kept trying the best i could at the time. So I just wonder what could have been her reason to call it quits. I would'nt mind knowing anyone's own theory of what they might think, went through her mind.

            I wanted to ask you, have you tried doing Isthekhara? I think you should try doing that. I think that would greatly help you. I am learning about Isthekhara myself. I am really happy for you, and to hear that you are doing so well. After everything that you have gone through, your strength is commendable. I am not only proud but happy for the resilience you have shown. May Allah (SWT) always smile upon you and shower His endless blessings upon you and keep you under His protection Inshallah. My sincere duas and prayers are always with you sister. As your older brother, I pray that you find the happiness that you are seeking in life and may your dreams also come true.

            Thank you for sharing the youtube link with me. I appreciate it.

          • What does it help you to hear theories about what she may or may not be thinking? It doesn't matter anymore. Speculating about this only makes you sink further into depression. You need to let go and the first step towards that is to stop talking about her, stop writing about her. Even if you're thinking about her, take sister Bucks' advice and divert your attention to something else.

          • Khwab,

            You prefaced your reply with "In Light of Islam, what should be my next step".

            I think you have to recognize that this relationship was not "in light of Islam" to begin with. If you start with that, then you will know that your next step is to repent. The Quran and Sunnah do not provide guidance on how to extricate yourself emotionally from a pre-marital relationship.

            I reiterate what NE said, you are speculating and ruminating too much about what she may or may not be thinking or doing. What SHE is doing is irrelevant. You must remember something: She will never come back to you. The relationship is done, over, it will never return. Once you accept that, then you will find it much easier to make plans for your life.

      • Wsalam brother

        I truly feel for you. You mentioned somewhere that you two were different countries. Where was your wife to be from and what languages do you both speak? Do you think it was a simple matter of lost in translation that may have separated you? I am keen to know what language she was teaching you and what language you were teaching her. Sometimes language and distance can be a huge barrier. It seems you were both from different cultures is that correct?

  5. And your dream will come true InshaAllah ...

    Assalam Aleykoum Brother,

    Your needs are valid and your dreams/fantasy are halal, there is nothing wrong with wanting something that is permissible. Keep on hoping but also keep on making dua. Rasulullah SAW loved optimism and Allah SWT loves his slaves who puts trust in Him.

    440. Abu Hurayra reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Allah, the Mighty and Exalted, said, 'I am according to My slave's opinion of Me, and I am with him wherever He mentions Me.' Allah rejoices more in the repentance of His slave than one of you does when he finds his lost camel in the wasteland. 'Anyone who approaches Me by a hand-span, I approach him by an arm-span. Anyone who approaches Me by an arm-span, I approach him by two armspans. If he comes to me walking, I come to him running."
    [Agreed upon] These are the words of one of the variants of Muslim which was explained in the previous chapter.

    So pray hard for that which is good for you and your deen. Marriage is a beautiful thing... so yes pray for it day and night and InshaAllah, Allah SWT will grant you what is good for you.

    It may be this same girl that you love so much OR it maybe someone else who is a better match. Allah SWT knows all and what is best for us and we know not. So pray my brother and I promise that Allah SWT is All Listening, The Hearer.

    (NB/ I used to pray day and night for a husband. I am married now. Not to my first love but to the most wonderful humanbeing that Allah SWT chose for me as my match. And I am happy Alhamdulillah).

    Never lose hope. Keep praying and keep hoping for the best from Allah SWT.

    All the best,
    SisterZahriya

    • Waleykumasalaam Sister,

      Since that day to this. All I have been doing is praying all through the nights till early morning. There is a hidden comfort when one cries in prayer to Allah Almighty. I feel my tears are not in vain. I have tried to establish communication with her a few times. She wants to have no communication what so ever with me. I believe she has completely moved on.

      Now how do I move on? What do I do now?

      I secretly wish to go to her country and meet her face to face and have a conversation with her. And hope to be able to save our relationship and marriage. Even now when my family advises me not to. She has misbehaved with my family. Yet my family says they will support me in my decision, If i want to go and visit her.

      I am completely torn, and I do not trust myself. I am not in a place where I can make any good decisions myself. Please advice me, in which steps to follow.

      There are no amount of words to explain what I am going through or what I am feeling.

      When she asked me to marry her. I just asked her for one thing, never ever to leave me. I told here I don't believe in divorce or in quitting. She swore to me that she would never leave me. Now she has left, without even a reason or an explanation. I waited all my life for this.

      Am I a sinner? Have I wronged? Will I be punished?

      How do I carry myself out of this? How am I supposed to move on?

      I did everything that i could possibly think of, which was the right thing to do. I always sat quietly. I never fought. I never said a bad word. I never raised my voice. What reason could she have for cancelling our marriage? why is this happening to me?

      I don't understand. I don't understand

      • It is time to stop seeking answers and to stop replaying the past events in your mind. You need to stop doing this.

        Do not go see her. She will view you as her unstable ex-fiancé and she will be glad she broke it off with you.

        Let her go. Have some self respect. See a psychologist, there's no shame in that.

  6. Assalamualaikum Brother

    It is nice to see you have so much good understanding of marriage and Islam and i encourage you to help other.
    And very sorry to hear about your situations, may allah swt give you patience, strong emaan and taqwa.
    Perhaps we can't understand wht you r doing through, and we all acknowledge you are victim , but if you dont come over and dont think in positive way then ur situation will get even worse.

    Get over it and start parying 5 times a day in Masjid, and try to memorized different sura which u haven't and planing to do so. Read Quran, its tafseer, hadith, and Astagfaar. Tell your mom dad to look for proposals And ask Allah swt, qualities you want in ur wife and make lot of dua in Tahajudd.

    You feel so much hurt bcoz u were involve too much. Next time do not engage in chat with you suppose to be future wife or fiancee. And if you need to engage in some sort of wedding planing do it in presence of her Mehrum. And leave everything on Allah. Say tawakkaltu allah and dont think so much

    And by the Mercy of Allâh, you dealt with them gently. And had you been severe and harsh¬hearted, they would have broken away from about you; so pass over (their faults), and ask (Allâh's) Forgiveness for them; and consult them in the affairs. Then when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allâh, certainly, Allâh loves those who put their trust (in Him). (159) If Allâh helps you, none can overcome you; and if He forsakes you, who is there after Him that can help you? And in Allâh (Alone) let believers put their trust. (160)

    Quran Al-Emraan(159-160)

    If any of my words offended, you I am sorry
    Jazakallah Khairn

    • Waleykumasalaam Brother,

      Thank you so much for taking the time and patience to write to me. I appreciate your help.

      I completely agree with the advice that you have shared with me brother.
      And I am also very grateful to you and many others here as well. Who have tried to help me. It means alot to me. And has helped me greatly

      i think i was greatly depressed, and confused as to what went wrong. I had too many questions. I wanted to know how do i move on. or should i stay and try to save my marriage. should i try marriage counselling or something like that.

      I believe everything happens for a reason. And it is always the Will of Almighty Allah that takes place, and nothing can happen or take place without the Will of Allah.

      No one is ever prepared for events like this in life. and these events often hit us so hard. that we sort of lose balance of what's important and what is right. we lose touch with reality a bit. and try very hard to hold on to what is being taken away.

      I agree with you, I need to work on making my Emaan more stronger. I think it will take me some time before I can heal. I am slowly learning to move on a day at a time.

      Dear brother, I just got out of a relationship. I hope you can understand, I am not ready to start looking for another one in a hurry. I think brother you would be happy to know. i have enrolled in some Islamic courses online.. Which is a very good course that has been recommended to me by a family relative. So far I am engaging myself only in Islamic studies, and that's all i am going to be engaging myself into for a while. 🙂

      Dear brother you have been most kind and helpful to me. I am indebted to you, for your kindness. I shall try to remember you in my prayers brother. Take care

  7. Assalam alaikum,

    Many times we are not happy in this world and sometimes our happiness is forced--just smiling because we have to say Alhumdulillah even though our heart may be in turmoil....Brother, this is life.

    Instead of asking so many questions and getting the answers the way you want them--for a moment just think what your soul really craves for--and I can tell you that what it craves for doesn't exist on earth and in this lifetime. There is always a surreal pain that exists in us -- this is the dunya. We dream and then our dreams shatter. For goodness sakes, even manufacturing companies create products with insurance plans that terminate in the nick of time...just when the product breaks or stops working. They make money on the basis that there is a time for something to break...even the insurance companies get it.

    Relationships end--because someone may not be happy, or circumstances change, or it is too difficult or whatever excuse and sometimes relationships end because someone passes away...just something happens. Everything is meant to break and end in this world...there is no infinity here on earth.

    You must accept what has happened and say Alhumdulillah, accept the reality, and in future do not engage in a relationship for 2 years. Make du'a to be connected to Allah swt.

    If you don't understand it is because you have let her define your existence. Stop letting her exist even when she is gone. She left, it is her loss. You should accept her decision, stop being so confused and believe in yourself again.

    May Allah swt ease your pain, Ameen.

    • Waleykumasalaam,

      Perhaps, It was a test of something, that I had to go through in life.
      Of which we all seem to go through in one part of our life or another.

      I remember about the life of our Beloved Prophet Mohammad (SAW).
      He faced so many hardships in his life, He went through so much pain, and extreme difficult situations.
      Still our Beloved Prophet Mohammad (SAW) is known for having the most amazing smile.
      He was always seen smiling.

      I have written and sent her a letter.
      Saying goodbye to her. Wishing her well for her life and her future. Also wishing well for her family. Letting her know, I hold nothing against her. If she feels remorse, she should'nt. I have completely forgiven her. thou she may not have told me her reason for leaving me. I respect her decision. and can understand it must have been hard for her to make this decision. and i have said farewell and goodbye to her. So we both can be free.

      I felt the need to write to her. So I can find closure in my life and start being able to move on.
      It has helped me move on a great deal.

      To explain my situation in which i was earlier. I felt trapped inside something, only I wanted to remain trapped and not get out. I was unable to think clearly before.

      I agree completely with you.
      I must learn to become a better person, where even in my worst situations. I should be able to smile and Thank Allah Subanatallah for everything. I should not ask questions, only trust Allah's judgement and will. Only with the passage of time, and patience do we learn about things that Allah really intended for us. For that I must learn to be patient. and have Faith.

      Nothing that is of this world will ever last for ever.

      What made this experience really difficult for me. Is that I have a very weak heart, I was diagnosed with this much earlier in life. Although it is not that common, there are many similar cases like me all over the world. And it is very difficult to make our hearts accept somethings sometimes, when it doesn't want to.
      These days I am trying to fill my heart and soul with Islam.

      Thank you for your words of kindness sister. and for your prayers.

      • Assalaamu alaikum brother,

        I hope this finds you in the best of imaan and health.

        I read your post and empathize with your struggles. I was glad to read your post right above where you'd mentioned that you wrote her a letter for closure and were trying to fill your "heart and soul with Islam".

        "Unquestionably, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest" (Sura Ar-Ra'd, 28). Whenever one is faced with a hardship, it truly does help to remember Allah swt. The truth is Allah swt is Ar-Rahman, full of rahma for His slaves; He decreed the lives of His slaves with kindness, knowing exactly what is best for us. At times, our lives don't go according to our plans, and that is when remembering Him becomes crucial to go on with life. It is such a great comfort to know that our lives run EXACTLY according to the plan of Ar-Rahman. When we come to terms with that, perhaps sabr (patience) becomes a little easier.

        Sabr is difficult--extremely difficult; but may be that's why Allah swt rewards us immensely for our sabr. Maybe it's easy on some days, like being productive with our time; yet, other days, may be it's hard. On those days, perhaps we just merely exist. Yet, the beauty is that although we merely exist, at least we haven't given up on life, and maybe, just maybe, Allah swt will reward us immensely even for just merely existing. And amidst the great task of trying to have sabr, maybe we mess up constantly, as in our sabr is FAR less than jameel (beautiful). Yet, perhaps out of His rahma, Allah swt will accept our meager attempts at sabr as sabroon jameel (beautiful patience).

        It helps to learn of the tribulations of our pious predecessors who have not only faced trials but prevailed. Indeed, one particular sura that I find is replete with comfort--a sura that will never turn you away empty-handed when you come seeking solace to it by the rahma of Allah swt--is Sura Yusuf. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJC6m7k9YEU

        Our loneliness is a reminder of Allah swt and His messenger (s). Allah swt will never break our hearts, He loves us even more than any human could. As for the reminder of RasulAllah (s), just imagine if he was alive and we could seek counsel from him. A mercy to the worlds, he would understand our struggles. Indeed, our struggles are a reminder of how much comfort his presence would have given us, and maybe we miss him thinking about that. That's yet another reason to seek a meeting with him in the akhirah, and perhaps our love for RasulAllah (s) is a sign for our love for the source of all rahma, Ar-Rahman Himself.

        Many others are also struggling and as humans, it's easy to get attached to things. That is why it's important to let go of things from the heart, which should only be reserved for Allah swt. Sister Yasmin Mogahed discusses this in her writings. Of course, it's easier said than done. May Allah help us all. Ameen.

        Know that Allah swt is the One who saw your tears when they had been invisible to others; Who heard the whispers of your heart even when you had no words to express them; Who will heal you with a beautiful healing after you've been broken by the dunya. He is Al-Baseer (the Seer), As-Samee' (the Hearer), Ar-Rahman!

        Alhamdulillah, you've found comfort in one of the ultimate truths; as you said, "Nothing that is of this world will ever last for ever".

        I pray that your pains have been an expiation for your sins; that Allah swt accepts your sabr as sabroon jameel; that He has healed you with a beautiful healing; that you have found comfort in His remembrance; and perhaps realized some of the rahma from your situation. Ameen.

        Sincerely,
        Your comrade in the struggles of life

  8. Salam brother,

    Ameen to your Duas, may Allah alsp bless you.

    With re: to your question it's difficult to say why she broke off the engagement, it's a little cruel to end things without explanation but since you weren't married neither of you had any rights over each other, so best to leave her to her thoughts and decision whilst you try to move on with your life.

    Only thing I can say is that you should feel better in yourself knowing that you tried your very best, that it wasn't your fault things ended. Everything happens for a reason, and Allah knows the future, He knows what's good for us even if we don't. I know that if I was engaged to be married to my current husband and he had left me without explanation i would have found it very difficult, it would have shattered my confidence and I would feel as though I had done something wrong even if I hadn't. But can you imagine if that had happened, it would have saved me from an abusive marriege and the pain of having a husband who cheated on me and continued to hurt me up until this day. But I wouldn't have seen those things, I would be upset that the engagement broke which really would have been a blessing in disguise. This is what's helping me cope that Allah swt is putting me through this situation for a reason, I need to be patient. You need to apply the same to your situation. I really do think this was a blessing in disguise for you, you have been saved from a marriage where it seems you would be doing the compromising.

    With re: to istikhara I have done that many many times. So now for a little bit im going with the flow, I am letting things go in whatever direction Allah wants them to. I feel that something good will come out of this situation but I just need to be strong and very patient through it.

    Brother you seem like a genuine and sincere person. Stop wasting these good qualities on a person who doesn't care, instead focus on yourself, stop questioning or trying to understand why she behaved this way. I know it's hard because I went through the same pain and torture, but at least she hasn't done this to you after marriage.

    You have a chance now to move on, focus on yourself, and try to achieve inner peace and happiness.

    May Allah bless you with sabr and the happiness you desire, ameen.

  9. I feel for you brother, you seem such a pleasant person, but i do think your relationship with this women was highly inappropriate and this is why you are in the position your in,

    When two spouses communicate with each other regarding the prospect of marriage, they should be attempting to discover compatibility and deen full stop, its seems the two of you went a lot further then this and your relationship thus became sinful, and you became emotionally attached,

    brother the sister technically did not sin in respect of breaking off the engagement, as either party can call of an engagement in Islam and a reason does not have to be given, i know that seems harsh but its the ruling i'm afraid, an engagement is only for the purpose of preventing other men from proposing to the potential wife, it is not absolute and it is not a declaration that the potential spouses are together,

    your lovely and i think you'll make an amazing husband one day, i think you just got carried away here, which i understand and have compassion with, i'm sure if you repent for your mistakes inshallah Allah will bless you with a wonderful wife, its best you learn from this experience and protect yourself and your emotions, when dealing with future marriage prospects,

    All the best brother

  10. My god such loooong drawn answers...guys it looks very simple to me...it wasnt meant to be.

    oh and also...brother next time you meet someone with the intention of getting married...please do not be super nice...lovey dovey...be a little mean...a little mysterious...she probably felt that she "conquered" you...women will always deny this but once they know they have taken hold of a man..they get bored.

    so show do not give them power over yourself.
    be who you are (but dont show her 100% of who you are, because there are facets to all of us that would frighten others if shown all at once).
    most of all dont fall for a woman just like that man!

    cant believe im giving dating advice....

    and anyway from what you tell us...her walking away is her loss...you sound like a nice man.
    keep the niceties to a minimum next time (approaching women for marriage the Halal way FYI)

    • "be a little mean...a little mysterious"

      Mysterious, maybe. That can be attractive. But mean? That's bad advice. A genuine, loving relationship is not built on meanness. The Prophet (sws) was not mean. He was kind to all his family.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • I think what Wulk is trying to say "be a little mean...a little mysterious"- -
        Play it hard to get, don't be too easy, people like it when they have to win over you. This kind of stuff pertains to dating and all. But when it comes to getting to know someone for marriage I somewhat agree. If you (especially female) show that your very nice, easy, and naive then guys don't show that much respect and thinks he can control you and then dump you anytime. You have to show yourself that you are valuable and you have a lot to offer and the guy has to try his best to win you. I can say that from experiences.

  11. Same story will happen to me:( 8 year relationship end with no reason

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