Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My boyfriend lies, wants a threesome, and a second wife!

 

Assalamu alaykum my brothers and sisters,

I met a guy online back in November 2018 as we started asking questions about each other. As our first conversation went well, I decided to talk to him further on another social media platform. Alhamdulillah everything went well and we noticed that we really liked each other.

However, six months later, I noticed a few changes in this guy as he kept telling me what to wear. First, he said I should wear hijab and abaya. Then, he said I should wear tight jeans, makeup, and short tops! He also  compared me to a few other Muslim girls who wear hijab but also wear tight jeans.

I was pissed off...I confronted him but he hasn’t apologized to me. He also hasn't made any effort to talk to me as he constantly tells me that he has been "busy with work." I was like: I understand you are busy with work... I’m not saying we have to talk 24/7 but you need to make an effort to talk.

Two months after that incident, he and I got into a big argument because I was going through a difficult time within my family. He selfishly has not been sympathetic about it, so this led our relationship to a breakup. But six months later, he sent me a message on social media saying "yeah, I’m sorry that I’ve been selfish, I was just fuming about the whole situation."

I took him back and wanted to see where things go. Alhamdulillah it went well until I found out about his actual age when we talked about age differences in a relationship. He is actually 30, but from the moment we started talking for the first time, he said he was 24. So honestly, he lied about his age by six years! Should I be concerned about him lying again in the future?

Furthermore, I got covid-19 back in December 2020 and told him about it as I felt okay, but he has never checked on me. I’m grateful for my friends and family checking on me, but the guy that I really liked has never, ever tried to ask if I'm okay.

Now he wants me to have a threesome with him and another guy. I was like "don’t you think it’s haram to do those things?" He was like "babe it’s just for fun." Honestly, I am not the type of person to do those things with other guys while in a relationship. Also, he made a few jokes about him getting a second wife and I found out he did haram stuff with another girl. Obviously, he could see I was pissed off, but still hasn't apologized. 

Finally, he wants to progress things with me as he wants to get married to me. What should I do? Should I end things with him? I’m looking forward to your reply of my message.

Jazakallah khair. 

Sister


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17 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaykum Sister,

    I think you know the answer to your own question. I don't think this guy is mature enough for marriage at this time, but you also cannot continue in a haram relationship. So you will need to decide what you are comfortable with and what you aren't and make a decision one way or the other.

    If he was just lying about his age, well, that's wrong but you could chalk it up to him being fearful of losing you to a relatively trivial matter. However, he should not even be thinking about a second wife right now. He hasn't even married or proven that he can successfully be married to you! Only after he has been married to you for some time, has asked you your feelings on the matter, and considered all angles including a genuine need in the other woman for marriage and an ability to be fair to all, should he even be considering that. I'm sorry to say that it sounds like this guy just has some unmet sexual fantasies.

    I'm sorry to have deliver that opinion. I know you like the guy, but if you are even considering breaking it off with him, I would respond with a resounding "Yes!" In sha Allah you will find someone much better suited to marriage with you.

    Best,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

  2. Salaam sister,

    I agree 100% with Nor. First and foremost, when someone is serious about a relationship, they will be honest about it and not lie about things especially their age. Not sure what his intent when he lied about his age by 6 years. I understand you like him and possibly see a future with him but think about what he said out of a "joke". No serious man/woman with the intention of marriage would make sexual comments like that. And you've seen red flags from him time and time again: No concern about your well-being or difficult times. He's more concerned about the way you dress and comments vulgar things to you. You are no "Babe". You are a strong muslimah and you have to fight the urge and see what he's actually saying which is utterly disrespectful. I have been down that path. I have fallen in love in the past and ignored red flags. Alhamdulilah, I have gone past that but I would hate to see you or anyone of my brothers/sister get hurt by people with the wrong intentions. It's ok to have feelings for someone and like them but dont let that blind you from seeing their character. I hope you make the best decision for YOURSELF even though it may be a hard one.

    Take care of yourself 🙂

    • Wa Alaykum Salam brother,

      I am sorry what you've been through in the past, alhamdulillah you're doing much better. Jazakallah khair for your answer, I wish you all the best.

  3. Hi

    I totally agree with Nor and Sohrab. I would just say that you may have good intentions but clearly he doesn't. It will be difficult to breakup with him but it will be very helpful to stay away from him and his bad intentions too. Goodluck, you are protecting yourself from haraam and your Imaan. Allah will make you stronger. Goodluck.

  4. Salam

    just END YOUR relationship with him without a second thought

    May Allah guide you and us to the straight path, Ameen!

    • Salaam,

      Thank you for your advice, I think it is better to end things with him as he's been upsetting me the whole time. Inshallah I will find the right one. Jazakallah khair for your answer! Ameen yarab.

  5. Sister, this would be a no brainer for me. Consider it a blessing in disguise, he is very clearly showing you he is not relationship material let alone marriage material. He is dishonest, disrespectful and immoral. It’s clear as day, end the the relationship, block him, move on and be happy you escaped him. You’re young and naive it seems, but also very lucky that he’s shown his true colours. I would personally suggest getting parents/family involved when looking to meet the right person, it’ll help filter out who is serious and respectful and who’s just messing around. Hope you end things with him.

    • Salam

      I understand where you are coming from, I decided to end things with him at the end of the day. Jazakallah khair for your advice.

  6. I agree with the replies But just want to say that you aren ot at all concerned about haram relationship's

    • Salaam,

      I was very naive at the time I was in a relationship with him, I felt like I was badly influenced by him Alhamdulillah I got over him.

  7. You describe this as a 'relationship'. How on earth do you expect anything good to come of haraam relationships? To even be discussing such intimate matters as he has with you before you are even married speaks volumes of your own conduct.

    You should think very, very carefully about why you are attracted to such men, but also why you attract the attention of such men.

    You should thank this young man's parents for raising a man who acts as a clear warning of what sort of level people stoop to.

    • Salam,

      I understand what you mean, I did not expect myself to be in a haram relationship as I was very naive. Alhamdulillah I'm doing much better.

      • It is good that you have left that haram relationship as having boyfriends and girlfriends or even friends of the opposite gender is totally haram.

        If a woman is interested in a man then she must tell one of her mahrams to communicate and must not do it herself and as that can lead to haram. And the man should contact the Wali or have his father contact the girl's father etc.

        You can find more details on islamqa.info/en In Shaa Allah.

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