Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am beating myself up, but equally angry at her for the mixed signals!

As salaam alaikum Brothers and Sisters,

I hope you all are doing well!

So I met this girl four years ago, just before the start of Covid, fell in love with her, and she reciprocated the feelings. We didn't speak much but we both wanted to take it further. It took a little time for me to open up...she eventually stopped working at the place we met. I went berserk over her: the connection was so real and it felt like she's the one for me. I in fact went into a state of denial that she's even gone and blamed it on myself for not rushing things.

I searched for her, prayed Tahajjud, and also made Istikhara, which at that time came out negative. But because I was madly in love with her, I did not give up. Finally, I had a breakthrough--randomly I came across one of her sisters and asked her to help me get in touch with her,. But in the end, the idea backfired, as my love interest got annoyed with me for speaking to her sister. She ignored me.

I felt betrayed, took the pain as it came, and decided that I would never again feel this way. We crossed paths again after a few months, she showed interest in me again, and this time I ignored her. Two years later, we crossed paths yet again and she still continued showing interest in me which is when I decided I should not continue like this anymore and go and talk to her.

Her and her sisters look alike, so I went to the store where she works and made the mistake of my life of mistaking her sister for her! A few days ago, however, I was able to talk to her and she repeated the same old story. She said she does not know me and that she got married a year ago, but took my Instagram ID. We spoke and most of the time she lied about everything, about not knowing me. She told our story exactly like it happened but with a bit of a twist, that it was not me but someone else.

She's wants me to move on and forget about her but still be friends with her at the same time. At this point, I lost my temper and got into an argument with her. After all, I sacrificed four years of my life, did everything I could to be with her, and in the end, she brushed me off, albeit kindly. Sure, I confronted her badly, which I should not have, but now I am deeply regretting it; guilt has overtaken me.

She blocked me and deleted her account on Instagram, so now there's no way I can connect with her. I am in so much confusion about this story. Allah helped me in the end...I met her and it felt like she still loves me. But she doesn't want to take it any further? I am going through the hardest time of my life, as I also live alone in a different country.

Only one Istikhara after four years came positive. Did I mess it up but confronting her and losing my temper? She also told me I disappointed her by arguing with her. Or was there any chance if I had handled it patiently it might have had a different result? I dont know, I was in a dilemma. I only wanted her to come clean about everything but felt like she gaslighted me. She also said to me: "Did I ask you to sacrifice your time for me? You put in the efforts willingly," about which I think she's correct.

I didn't want anything from her but the truth which she refused. If she wanted to move on, I was fine with it but denying everything and lying to my face was what made me furious. She has became so cold towards me and I am feeling embarrassed about myself and feeling like a total loser, feels like I made a fool caricature of myself.

Please help me guys, looks like I have to move on but I can't stop thinking about her and I am heavily blaming myself for saying things I should not have in the heat of the moment. What can I do to get her out of my mind, since she's clearly discarded me? It feels like the light has gone out of my life, I find myself in this dark, cold and tortuous place. My heart is bleeding.  Thank you for reading my post and for the replies.

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