Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My wife wants khula but I still love her

Keyboard keys showing man and woman

Salam guys,

This is quite a long post so please bear with me.

I met my wife around 2-3 years ago and fell in love. Everything about her was perfect. She was sweet, kind, and very family-oriented. While engaged to her, I made the biggest mistake of my life by committing zina with someone else (all over text no physical). I ended it myself and asked for forgiveness from Allah. Eventually my wife found out what happened and we talked through it, she forgave me, and we eventually decided to go ahead with the marriage. I would like to point out that a few weeks before the marriage I heard a rumor that my wife was actually interested in another man but since that did not work out, she was forced into this marriage. However, I rejected that straight away! How can someone who is forced into this marriage forgive me for the mistake? Surely that would have been her easy get-out clause?

Since we married we've had a beautiful life together Alhamdulilah...or so I thought!

I have just found out that my wife has been complaining about me to her mum and dad for the past 4 months! Her mum and dad came round to my house and berated me in front of everyone for not treating their daughter right but I have no idea what I have done? I have always put my wife in the highest regard and respect (this was even higher after she forgave me) but I found out that she has been complaining about petty little things to her mum and dad and even secretly recorded me once. Honestly, I was shattered when I found I had been recorded. What a violation of trust! But am I allowed to feel that way since I violated her trust before marriage? Honestly I am so confused! These petty little complaints are overshadowed by the fact that I do not show her enough affection? But we pray together, eat together, I help around the house, I am waiting to give her a hug whenever she comes home from work (I work from home). I am not sure what more I can do?

Her family took her home and since then, me, my parents, my extended family and even my Grandma has tried (we were family friends before the marriage in case any one asks why did so many people go) to reconcile but to no avail. My wife who was so sweet and kind has become this emotionally abusive person. She has called me pathetic and says I'm not a man. She called me "immature" and not being able to look after myself in front of my own family and her family. Wallahi my confidence has been at an all time low and I have been going to therapy as a result of this.

Please can someone advise me what to do? Is this a punishment for my past mistake? Divorce is something I am not willing to accept...I believe a marriage is a life-long commitment and nothing should ever shatter it but has this gone too far? Another thought I am having now is that what if that guy who I mentioned before has come back into her life and that is why she does not want to come back to me? Any advice of any kind will be appreciated but please be kind. My mental health is at an all-time low and I just need love and support.

Jazak Allah


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13 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaykum Brother Adil,

    If your wife agreed to marry you, then she should have put any anger and resentment aside at that point. If she was unable to do that, she should not have agreed to marry you until she was able to.

    It is not appropriate for her to be verbally abusing you. To answer your question, you do not deserve this post-marriage just because of your previous sin pre-marriage. Allah decides how to handle your sin, not your wife.

    That said, Allah does say that when He loves his believing slave, he hastens his punishment in this world so that he can enter the Akhira with a clean slate. So even if this situation is a punishment for you, meted out for your previous trangression, it is meant to be good for you.

    Give your wife some space. She is a human being with feelings just like you, and if there is something going on in her head that is stressing her out, she may be taking it out on you. Just remove yourself when she is treating you that way, until she has stopped.

    When she has calmed down, talk to her about having better communication between the two of you and deciding matters mutually between the two of you rather than passive-aggressively going to one's family to vent.

    Of course, if she does not come around or be an adult about the situation, you may have to consider separation or divorce. I know you say that is not acceptable to you, but it's not only up to you whether you get divorced or not.

    So do the best you can do, and leave the rest to Allah. Pray and make dua profusely for Allah's aid.

    I will say a dua for you brother.

    Best,

    Nor
    IslamicAnswers

  2. salam

    I hope everything gets better for you

    I cannot say what exactly is on her mind

    but this somehow reminds me of why someone I was seeing for marriage started acting differently when I was much younger. perhaps you are very young yourself?
    I stayed home back then, didnt have any lifeof my own, didnt exercise, fell for her so hard that I became clingy, I was addicted to her, and basically did not give her any space at all. my mental emotional wellbeing was dependant on her and she knew this and she started resenting me, I guess women like men to be standing on their feet
    please read this book "way of the superior man" and learn more about how women like their husbands to behave. knowledge is power
    then try to change and let her know by your actions and words, that you"ve started acting more maturely etc,

    again brother, we do not know what's going in her mind but try to fix things at your end and hope for the best inshaAllah. I was appalled by her parents behaviour, they sound like bullies and shouldn't have treated you like that.
    sexting shouldn't be an issue here I suppose that's a thing of the past
    however, I also think her feelings didnt change "suddenly" , she probably want haley from the start
    if she liked someone else, you should find more about this

    and lastly, seek help from Allah. you've done the right thing, got into halal marriage, when so many boys beat around the Bush and do not want to take on the responsibility of marriage. you're a good guy, maybe this is a test that will make you stronger .goodluck

  3. Salam brother.

    Thank you for your reply. I dont know what to do bro. She has been gone for 3 months and I have sent flowers, chocolates, teddy bears. I have always been the one pushing to meet but when I do meet her I am met with constant sarcasm and a lot of attitude whilst I am sat there constantly apologising. I even when to her parents and begged her to send her home but there was no reaction. All of this has made my confidence go to 0.

    The communication aspect is difficult as she has changed her number and blocked me off all forms of social media. The last time I spoke to her and her family I stated that I love her and want her home. Their response to this was to send the Khula which landed like a bomb in my house.

    Just need your duas.

    Jazak Allah

    • Dear Adil,
      I'm sorry for this, it must be really difficult for you. she knew who you were before she married you and before signing the nikkah document. She should take this seriously. However, it also seems like it was always you who was more into her, than she into you, and I feel like she was persuaded into the marriage by her parents.

      If you push and insist more, I'm afraid it will make things worse because your confidence is at an all time low, and you will come across as very weak. And she obviously has problems with your personality
      I think you should ask your elders to talk to them and ask them to take the khula back and give it another try because hopefully elders would see things differently.
      And meanwhile if you get to talk to her, ask her where the problem lies and assure her that you are willing to work on it. You do not have to apologize unnecessarily brother. The 'petty' issues you mention may not be petty for her. IL pray for you InshaAllah, stay strong

      • Salam brother.

        Thank you for your reply.

        I dont know if you read above but all of my elders have been round to the house but they are not budging. It has actually come to a point where I have begged her to come home and that just shows the state I am in now. I am completely broken. Yes the petty things may not be petty to her but imagine your wife and your in laws sitting in front of your family and listing 15-20 complaints about you like they are checking off a list. That hurts.

        Regards

        Adil

  4. Dear Brother,

    Just let go of the situation. This is very normal in the Western marriage (MGTOW stories are all about this). Unfortunately, many of the Muslim families have picked up this behaviour from the Tv/ Movies. Be professional to her and her family in all communications. Do not communicate with them if they are blocking you on social media. On of the trend now days is to get married then blackmail the guy in to paying the bride's family. While the girl moves on. Vey common in the American Black families. Instead of finding one guy with high salary the girls marry few guys and get money for each guy.

    So have patience. Be cool. It is just a test. Things will not stay the same. As time passes the pain will heal. Just move on. Do not apologize for something you have not done as they will want the financial compensation for it. You do want to have a family with this person? if she does not respect you? So be smart. You deserve a person who sticks with you. Help you in this life rather then cause issues in your home. Just think with your head and move on you will find some other person who like you for who you are, who is willing to do everything for you to make your life nice and homely. It will hurt yes. But you can move on. If she has few kids and does not change her behaviour, then you are looking at a lifetime of hurt. It is not worth it brother.

    Do let this test be an issue for you. Move on to the rest of your life if things are not working. Even if she comes back to you and treats you nice. Do you want her to be the mother of your kids and in 5 years move out? Will her parents be reasonable in that situation? Think about this? Talk to your parents. Its not about you it is about the future of your kids. Or lifetime of suffering if she messes up your life after having kids. We have 80% divorce rate in North America. It is normal. Think hard and deep

    • Salam brother.

      Thank you for your reply.

      I know this is a test brother and Allah SWT does not put a soul in more burden then they can handle. However, I must re iterate that I used to be a very confident person Alhamdulilah but having my wife and in laws sitting in my house listing 15-20 complaints about me is just shattering. Half of these complaints I never heard of and some were justified but some were not. The recording just took the biscuit! However, despite this I have the one apologised and begged for her to come back. I know you said divorce is common but for me I have always been against divorce. I fully believe marriage is a lifetime commitment and I want this to work.

      JazakAllah

      Adil

      • Just leave it and if she is firm on khula give it to her ..
        No need to unnecessary begging and apologizing..
        Find another girl once get divorced.

  5. Brother marriage is so suppose to be life long commitment. But divorce is allowed if there is no peace and happiness. She seems like very immature brat. She made a accusations and is not willing to talk how she came up with accusations. She never was into you. She is doing this more so that her parents will agree to divorce. During the meeting, why didn’t you ask the wife in front of her parents how she made up a lost? Don’t let her lose your confidence anymore. Your worth is not depended on her attention. Brother do you know that if you marry another girl, she will be so much better and will make you happy. So, why stay.

    • I did ask her brother. In front of everyone I said why are you saying these things. When my father asked her if you had problems why didnt you come to me, she said if he listens to his father but not to his wife then what is the point of having a wife? I mean who says stuff like that?! My confidence is at an all time low because the person who is supposed to be my rock is the one who is constantly putting me down. Wallahi when your own wife says 'you are not a man' that is the worst thing a guy can hear.

  6. what you are saying doesn't make sense,

    The women married you despite your having sex with someone else during the engagement yet is trying to leave the marriage for petty reasons? because you didn't give her enough attention? I don't buy it...

    I get the feeling that your not being honest with yourself.... forgive me if I am wrong but that is the overwhelming impression i am getting here, it is also most likely your wife made a recording of you, because she was attempting to 'prove' something about your behaviour, probably trying to evidence abuse, ( Allah knows best) but you are focusing on her actually recording you as oppose to the reasons she felt she needed to!!!!

    at the end of the day, your wife wants a khula as you have said she has a long list of complaints about you, of which you may be guilty of or may not be, only Allah swt knows, I think what is best for you is to really have an honest conversation with yourself about what has gone wrong in your marriage, so you can move forward and have a healthy and happy marriage with someone else, your wife is obviously done with the marriage and you can't force her to be with you...

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