Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My in-laws’ verbal abuse led me to say “no more!”



I lived with my in-laws for eight months after marrying my husband (who is good, caring and reasonable Alhamdulillah). During this period of time, my in-laws and us had many bad moments. My mother-in-law would start drama for every little thing, and if my husband provided any Islamic proof that she's wrong, she would scream, insult us, and humiliate us. She would basically turn the tables on us. Then she would go to my father-in-law and convince him to be mad at us too, and he would spend days without even looking at us.

I have been called many, many names: selfish, careless, disrespectful, impolite, lazy, a liar, and I have endured comments about my ethnicity, origins, and also gossip and backbiting. I know she has slandered me as a liar and a selfish person. Being selfish is not a sin in itself but it leads one to commit sins or acts that are Islamically immoral. She has gossiped about me and disrespected me in front of other family members as well. I have felt so much humiliation. All this happens behind my back usually, but also in front of me a couple of times (she screams so much that everyone can hear her).

For weeks, I was scared of going out of our bedroom, as just hearing my name being called by her gave me anxiety and I felt great fear. I had anxiety attacks, a lot of tension, nights without sleep, day after day of crying... She has won all the mental games. Meanwhile, I am never confrontational, I hate arguing, I don't scream, I don't insult, and I don't talk back. Never in my house, with my own family, did that ever happen. We sit and talk calmly about things, no matter how mad we've been. We learned to do this.

It always happens that we, my husband and I, end up apologizing even though we were abused in many ways! Things apparently go back to normal but then, again something happens. It's a never ending cycle. I have to admit that probably there were times when they had part of reason to be upset or disappointed, because every family has problems and disagreements, but we never abused anyone and we always, ALWAYS, apologized with respect.

Things were calm once we moved out, but something happened: I had to travel during coronavirus due to family problems and flew to my country. Things were fine when I left, but another drama started when I was gone. And then I was slandered in front of my husband and he was told that I was being deceitful to him, lying to him. This hurt me so much. It triggered again all the disrespect that I suffered from before and made me decide to stand my ground this time. I stopped talking to them. Not that they talked to me anyway while I was away, but you get what I mean. I simply decided that enough was enough.

Now we live on our own, in a different house. And it's been around 4 months since I haven't talked to them or saw them. And I can't find the strength of doing so. I feel bad for my husband. I encourage him to go visit, call, pay attention to them and take care of them as it is his duty. And he does, he is good with them now and fixed things. But I can't do it for myself.

I panic when I think about having a relationship with them, because the endless cycles would continue. I want things to be normal and sort them out so we can be a family, but on the other hand I feel terrified of them and the way they are.

What do I do? Do I have the right to be on my own? To just stand my ground? We can't live like this forever but they trigger all kind of things in me.




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3 Responses »

  1. Asalamualaykum Sister,

    Unfortunately, it sounds like your in-laws are not in a place to communicate maturely with you. They are outright abusive. And you of course feel terrible anxiety by the mere mention of them.

    I would not pursue mending your relationship with them at this time. They are breaking off the connection...not you. Allah judges us on our intention, and Allah knows your good intentions in trying to keep up a relationship. They on the other hand are severing ties by their behavior, which is completely unacceptable.

    I think that you should let your husband decide when and if he wants to visit and talk to them, and let it be between them. Are your own parents alive? Why not try to improve your relationship with them during this time, and ask after their needs? There is great Barakah in that, and it would not only be the perfect opportunity for that, but get your mind off of your in-laws at a time when they're not ready to be mature and kind to you.



  2. I honestly dont think you owe them anything after the way you were treated.

    only your husband has an obligation toward them, you dont.

    you dont need people in your life that are detrimental to your emotional and mental well being.

    You endured enough. Time to move on with your husband who is mashaAllah seems like a very good and supportive husband alhamdulillah may Allah keep you happy in your marriage always, ameen.

  3. You are very lucky that your husband is kind and agreed to move out. Not many stories end up like yours where husband doesn’t care about the wife and let the abuse happen. These folks are toxic and will never change. You don’t owe anything to them. Your mother in law who is acting evilish (I know we shouldn’t say it) should be worried how she will have to answer Allah for the abuse and relationship breakup she caused. Staying silent will kill her if she has a heart to understand.

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