Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I’m 40 years old but my mother won’t let go!


Cutting tiesDear all,

I am a 40-year-old married man who has been controlled by his mother my entire life. Even though I am doing well financially and living a happy married life with kids, I am continually being monitored and controlled by my mother. I have started to hate this to the maximum.

If I try to object,  she defend with too much anger. If I try to act stubborn, she threatens to break all relations with me. We are ending up having very heated extreme arguments but eventually my mother wins all time.  Most of the times I stop but somewhere deep down I am not satisfied for following her decisions.

Most of the time, I calm my heart saying that this is a test Allah has given me, but this happens regularly so it is very difficult. Her involvement is in everything, be it professional decisions, married life/dealing with wife, our kids' upbringing, etc.

Even if I try to hide, my mother has the audacity to check my phone or monitor my conversations! One time she checked my phone and read chat between me and my wife wherein my wife was complaining about my family members and I was very politely replying to her with possible soft excuses to handle the situation.  Ever since then, my mother is holding a very severe grudge against my wife.  She's almost broken the relationship with her and it's now just a namesake.

My mother has started taunting me and even shared this subject with other family members.  Please advise me on what to do! We don't have any elders in our family to advise her. I'm one of her five children but she has this behavior towards me only!  Yes I may not be perfect, yes I may be a fool, but I want to handle every aspect of my life by myself.  What is the solution in this regard?


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7 Responses »

  1. be prepeardd to cut her off....she will either behave or you wont talk to her. It's her loss. You are too much of mamas boy...and everyone knows it

  2. This sounds like how a daughter in law would complain about mother in law. But you are the son. She won’t change. She threatens you that she will cut of relationship, then test her. The more you give attention the more she doesn’t leave you alone. I don’t think she will ever learn and grow up, she will blame for everything in every way. It’s an illness.

  3. A mother is a mother. No matter what she says you have to be calm and reply her whatever she wants to hear. Shes the shortcut of your life and also the jannah.
    Your wife will face the same thing with her kids. Tell her to behave with your mother, like she wants to be treated by her kids in future.
    Your lucky to have a mother. And among all the sons she choses your side. Maybe for now you dont like but in the judgment day you will love this.
    You will gonna regret dude once she will leave your side. Be with her shes just preparing a heaven for you.

    • It’s not the daughter in law that’s complaining and posted this. It’s the son.
      The mother who is giving her son so much trouble. She is monitoring him and he is a grown man with kids who is happy with his own family. He is respecting her but she is becoming too feisty and doesn’t want to see the wrong. She is making him crazy and only does it to him and not her other kids because probably he is the nice one and gives her attention and other kids ignores her.

  4. Salaam,

    As a mother myself I cannot imagine trying to control my child, a child is a trust from God, they do not belong to you and they are not there to fulfill your dreams or live the life you want. While I wholeheartedly believe you should always be respectful, courteous and kind to your parents (except in situations of abuse) you also owe it to yourself, your children and your wife to be a man, to be the Amir (leader of your household) and to be strong. You are an example to your children of how to handle such situations calmly and with diplomacy.
    It seems your mother is over stepping bounds, checking messages between you and your wife is a serious thing in Islam. Not only is it a sin for her to spy on you and your wife but it is a means by which she has caused a rift between herself and your wife. Her behaviour is extremely damaging and could cause further problems if allowed to persist.
    As a man you are responsible for managing the relationship in a just and fair way. You must talk to you mother and try to make her understand what the effects of her behaviour are. If she does not accept to stop and throws out another ultimatum then you have to follow through but let her know that this is her decision.
    It seems to me that she is unaware of how damaging her behaviour is but just as much as you are responsible for your mother, you are also responsible for you wife and children.

    • Nisrene,

      I like your is my birth mother's name. Thank you for your compassionate and informative response. May Allah bless you, Ameen.


  5. Put a lock on your phone.
    Stop explaining yourself to your mum.
    You can love and take care of her without letting her control your life.

    So what if she breaks relations with you? What are you afraid of. This is emotional blackmail and abuse.

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