IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Salam,

I engaged in inappropriate relationships with multiple individuals from a young age, stemming from a disturbing incident when many relatives/neighbors started touching me at different ages since I was 6 or 7. I used to play with my neighbors, and I recall that I was in L.K.G, when an uncle put his private part in my mouth and instructed me to keep it a secret.

In my teenage years, I unfortunately repeated zina with a few relatives. Like my uncle, cousin, and brother. I sought forgiveness and repented.

I got many proposals during college but I never had any boyfriend.

Shortly after, I got engaged to my classmate who loved me. He asked my parents for my hand in marriage, and they agreed. But I wasn't ready because I knew my past was troubled, and I didn't feel deserving of such pure love.

I regrettably continued these actions with my fiance after our engagement. I did try to convey my fears and concerns to him stressing the importance of our faith but he did not heed my words. I also tried to open up to him about my past and that my cousin brother had touched me twice after being engaged, but I feared that it’s between me and Allah and I’ve sincerely asked forgiveness so, I shouldn’t.

He used to tell me he couldn’t control himself seeing me and wanted to get pleasures. I always tried to stop him but he didn’t listen.

I started ignoring him and making him understand that it’s wrong but he kept telling me that we will seek forgiveness before nikkah. He is religious...he prays five times daily and does tahajjud too.

But recently, I discovered that my fiancé has been sexually and emotionally involved with his cousin sister for the past five years and he has admitted to engaging zina relationships with her due to his strong attraction towards her. They used to share nude pictures and sleep together. He had also slept with few other girls as a teenager.

Despite being engaged for seven years with our wedding only one month away, this revelation has left me deeply troubled and conflicted. He begged and told me that he has repented and will not cheat on me again with anyone.

He also said that I didn’t understand his feelings and his desires (high sexual desires) and got frustrated, so he started touching his cousin. She too didn’t deny.

I have got a few questions in my heart:

1. Should I continue believing him or call the wedding off?
2. Is Allah punishing me for what I had done in the past?
3. Did Allah want to give me a partner who is not loyal as I was?
4. Will Allah keep punishing me for my past even after marriage?
5. If I call the wedding off after he cheated on me, am I selfish that I’m not seeing my own bad deeds?
6. I have suicidal feelings but I fear Allah. I don’t want to commit suicide because I know it’s wrong, but I’m tired of everything and my past and now I don’t know what my future holds either. But I will never give up on my life no matter what.
7. Why did this all happen to me? I was a child when people around me started to touch and told me to keep it secret. What was my fault?
8. I sometimes want to tell him that I was bad in my past. That I’m not as pious as he thinks that I am. Maybe it’s out of anger.

PLEASE HELP ME