Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Divorced with 3 kids and remarried without telling my family

Salam

hope someone can help me.

My dad passed away when I was 18, I have two brothers one is disabled and the other works abroad.

I am divorced with 3 young children, I was married to my first husband for 13 years, my mom arranged the marriage. She got me married to a man who physically abused me, mentally abused me, raped me, used all my money, ruined my life. And would overuse that word talaq (like its a joke) one day he hit me when I was 5 months pregnant and my daughter, that’s the day I decided to leave him. He had verbally divorced me so many times that I thought it would be a joke if I got a Kula. God knows and I know the truth.

After I left him, God blessed me with a son and I’ve always been independent fed my kids myself and worked all my life, my family never stepped in. And recently I met a really nice man who wanted to marry me, he is Sunni like myself but was not married before or have kids. I thought to myself he seems decent and went ahead and married him. But I married him without informing my family, the reason why I didn’t tell them is because I feel they always made crappy decisions when it came to my life, I thought il tell them once my mum returns from abroad as well as my brother. My family belong to a certain tribe where they married me off to before and the men are violent and alcoholics, I just have no interest in that tribe. And my mom would not approve of my new hubby because he does not belong to that tribe. And then my siblings would thinks all sorts too. So I thought il do it in secret. After my first divorce I did inform my family I will do what’s best for me & my kids because I gave  u that right before and I suffered and my kids. And they all agreed. Now I’m going to tell them about my marriage and I will have mixed reactions. But boTtom line is, is the marriage valid?

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4 Responses »

  1. Quran, Chapter 2, verse 232:
    "And when you divorce women and they have fulfilled their term, do not prevent them from remarrying their husbands if they agree among themselves on an acceptable basis. That is instructed to whoever of you believes in Allah and the Last Day. That is better for you and purer, and Allah knows and you know not."

    According to the relied upon position in the Hanafi School, the marriage of a free sane and adult woman without the approval of her guardian (wali) is valid if the person she is marrying is a legal and suitable match (kuf’) to her. However, if the person she is marrying is not her legal match, then her marriage would be considered invalid. The other three Sunni Schools consider a marriage without the guardian’s approval to be invalid regardless of whether the person she is marrying is a legal match to her or otherwise. As for the details of who is a legal and suitable match to her and who is not, this can be found in the books of Fiqh.

    The renowned Hanafi jurist, Imam al-Haskafi (Allah have mercy on him) states:

    “The marriage of a free and legally responsible (i.e. adult and sane) woman is valid (even) without the permission of her guardian (wali)…..and the Fatwa issued in her marrying someone who is not her legal match is of invalidity, and this is the chosen Fatwa due to corrupt times…” (See: Radd al-Muhtar ala al-Durr 3/56-57. This is the position chosen by Ibn Abidin in his Hashiya and many other Hanafi jurists)

    It is important to note here, however, that the above ruling is concerning whether such a marriage would be technically valid or not. As far as appropriateness is concerned, many Hanafi jurists (fuqaha) have pointed out that it is generally wrong (in normal situations, and if one thinks their situation is abnormal, they should refer their case to a scholar of knowledge and piety) and going against the Sunnah, to marry without the permission of the Wali regardless of whether the spouse is a legal match or otherwise. (See: Imdad al-Mufteen P: 527)

    Nevertheless, this position of validity held by the Hanafi School is based on many evidences, and it would be impossible to cover all of them here with their implications. However, the following few evidences should suffice, Insha Allah.

    See link for the remainder of the answer:
    http://www.daruliftaa.com/node/5693

  2. I am not qualified to answer if your marriage is valid or not. But any secret marriage should not be done. You're are a grown woman with 3 children, I don't think you need permission from your mom but at least telling your family before would have been less problematic than finding out after marriage. The man you married, make sure he is not using you. You didn't describe much about who is and how you met. Which country are you from that follows marrying only a certain tribe?

  3. OP: And recently I met a really nice man who wanted to marry me, he is Sunni like myself but was not married before or have kids. I thought to myself he seems decent and went ahead and married him. But I married him without informing my family, the reason why I didn’t tell them is because I feel they always made crappy decisions when it came to my life, I thought il tell them once my mum returns from abroad as well as my brother.

    Not too many Muslim men would marry a woman divorced with 3 kids unless she can offer some other benefit like a path to citizenship in a Western country. A woman virginity is a big issue while men's affairs are most of the times ignored with few exceptions of Western countries. May be you can tell your family, you met this nice guy and would like to marry him. Telling them you married a man may be big shock for them. Does your husband's family know you married him? Do you live with your husband?

  4. Salam sister ,

    You have made the right decision by leaving that man. Barakah to you and your family . I just want to advice you sister; to be careful with this new man. Maybe he's after your citizenship, maybe he has a wife in secret or maybe he could be a genuine guy. Avoid any haram routes. And also inform your family about this new man or else it will feel like betrayal to them. And also for the future; set boundaries for yourself whatever happen in your previous relationship wouldn't have gone so far nasty if you didn't let it.

    Do not over look this mam just because you're single with 3 kids. Other than this good luck on your life .

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