Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I wish to leave my cheating husband and take the children with me

eman dua despair faithSalaam everyone,

I hope you are well? I come on here because I am a revert and my knowledge of Islam is not strong. In a nutshell, My husband is taking advantage of me.

I have been with my husband for four years. We did our Nikah but not the UK marriage. I have discovered that my husband has been explicitly talking to other ladies, even going as far as sending inappropriate pictures and videos and attempting to meet up with them. When the ladies refuse, he begins to violently verbally abuse them (via message) which ends up with him blocked. I do not know where he gets these ladies from but I have recently caught him for the fourth time.

I gave him chances before. In fact, I found out for the first time as soon as we did the nikah ceremony and twice as I was pregnant with our children. I have attempted to talk to him but his response is always the same. He says "I love you more than anyone...I said I am sorry...forget about it!" But I cannot, as surely I deserve respect? He is not present in our children's life other than for show when sending videos to his family back in Pakistan (he ignores them after that), and he is not hands-on in the house. He works and then spends most evenings out with his friends... there is no time made for me and the children.

I have attempted to talk to him multiple times about this, trying to make things work. He doesn't want to talk, but immediately tries to have intimacy with me, even after I just find him in these acts. Then he gets angry at me for refusing! The last few times, he has started to grab my neck and has bruised me. He is not sorry for what he has done and even when I cried in pain, he just looked blank and walked off. He was more upset when I said I confided in my mother. He does not want me to speak to her, yet he tells his own mother everything that happens.

I wish to leave with my children and not keep this possible? They are very young, but I am not happy in this relationship as I am only being seen as a maid or object. He doesn't make me feel like a partner. I would like some advice or reassurance.

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5 Responses »

  1. Leave him, get a khula and seek support from social services. His behaviour is against the teachings of Islam. You must not tolerate abuse. Seek help from local muslims too.

  2. as-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah,

    I hope you're well in health and imaan dear sister, as well as all my brothers and sisters reading this.

    I'm surprised there's no other replies, but perhaps I understand as this is a pretty difficult question.
    It's easy to give the reply to leave, even when it's such a close person with whom you've shared so much - after-all, who's closer to us than our spouse?

    First, it's essential to give this warning and reminder to all Muslims (and even non-Muslims): -

    Jabir reported that Allah's Messenger (sallallahu 'alayhi wassallam) said:

    Iblis (satan) places his throne upon water; he then sends out his helpers (for creating dissension);
    the nearer to him in rank are those who are most notorious in creating dissension.

    One of them comes (to satan) and says: "I did so and so."
    And he (satan) says: "You have done nothing!"

    Until one of the helpers of satan comes and says: "I did not spare so and so until I sowed the seed of discord between a husband and a wife."
    Satan goes near him and says: "Well done, you have done well!"
    He then embraces him as his closest helper.

    [Sahih Muslim, book 52, hadith 60]

    The most beloved thing to satan is discord and splitting up society through the husband/wife and even in between family members.

    MashAllah you've been very patient through those years, even after nikah and during pregnancy, which is really commendable!
    However, I'm curious, in all those years, did you not see any goodness or kindness from your husband? Did you not share any happy memories or times together?
    If so, what changed?

    You said that your husband says he loves you, but what is this strange love wherein he can't show it with actions and kindness? Does he not know the nature of women? Even with regards to intimacy, does he not know that a woman is not a machine to be approached anytime one wishes, and it starts with kindness and good words? The example of the Prophet (peace be upon him) was to be helpful in and around the home, even mending clothes and sandals, and serving his wives, and spending time with them, when he wasn't serving the community.

    If he truly loved you, then he would not take part in these despicable, shameful, and haraam (forbidden) actions which earn the wrath of Allah. Ask him, what if you were to secretly go behind his back, talking to strange men, sharing shameful images, what would his reaction be? Is this the Islamic way - in fact, are such evil acts even part of Christianity?

    Secondly, if you are serious about division, then I urge you to pray istikhara, which is simply 2 units of prayer followed by duaa (supplication to God) for taking the right decision, and putting you on the right direction. If you have not learnt to pray, then try it with Arabic transliteration, or even beginning with praying in English until you can get used to the Arabic. As for the duaa (supplication), this can be in English.

    Before any hasty decision, if possible, you could try a trial separation wherein if possible, you can stay with a family member for a month or two, which would also reveal the character of your husband and whether he's serious about marriage and making things work.

    No marriage is perfect, if anyone gives a rosy impression, then they are likely lying or exaggerating. Marriage can be full of challenges and requires patience from both to make it work. Sometimes the husband will be in a bad mood and wish to be alone, and likewise, sometimes the wife may be in a bad mood and doesn't want to hear any complaints and instead just wants help and companionship.

    And of course, I would also encourage Muslim marriage counselling, such as Sakoon or other online services, such as Rahmaa Institute.

    Take care,
    and may Allah al-wadood ar-raheem (The Most Loving, The Most Merciful) help us to preserve our marriages, increase us in patience, and increase the love between all Muslim couples, ameen!

    was-salaamu 'alaikum wa-rahmatullah.

  3. While I appreciate the answer that ibnMuhammad gave, I feel that divorce is appropriate in this case. Divorce is allowed in Islam for a reason. This man is a cheater and abuser who does not care about his wife and children at all. His is a disgusting person. Not someone worthy of the title husbandl. I would be very surprised if he has not committed adultery with these other women he has bene texting.

    Sister SunnyShan, take your children and get out. You deserve better than this, and so do they. Even no husband would be better than a malicious person like this.

    Wael Editor

  4. Asalamualaykum Sunny,

    If there was ever a situation where divorce is applicable, it's this one! Your husband doesn't deserve you. He is physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusive, doesn't spend time with his family, yells at even his mistresses, wants you to cut ties with your own mother who has done no wrong, and sees you as an object he can just play around with. I think you know what you have to do, and please don't feel guilty about it.



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